Monster Crap
Inductee: A Nightmare On Elm Street
9, 10...Gonna Sleep Again
2010
Well,
it is finally happening. I will finally get to add horror legend Freddy Krueger
into the infamous world of Monster Crap.
Well,
sort of…
Now
before I continue, I would like to say to everyone that despite what you have
seen on this show, I do not hate remakes or reboots whatsoever. In fact, my
favorite film (John Carpenter’s The Thing) is a remake and the Godzilla film
that I watch more than any other one is a reboot in Godzilla 1985.
But
what I do hate is remakes that are uninspired and are basically made to piss
off the fans of the original. The Fog remake and the Clash of the Titans remake
were two terrible remakes that show both aspects of the problems with remakes.
So
what makes this remake join those other two as well as adaptations of TV shows
like the terrible Land of the Lost movie? Well….first off, we have to look at
the studio making this film, Platinum Dunes.
Platinum
Dunes is a well-known infamous film company that is headed by Brad Fuller,
Andrew Foam, and much hated director Michael Bay, who act as producers for all
their films.
Dur…..Explosions.
The
studio has been infamous with its horrible remakes of popular franchises of the
80s and their original stuff hasn’t been that much loved by people either. So
we can probably expect a lot of horrible crap from them entering this site in
the future, but it might be a while since thankfully I don’t own a single one
of their films. In fact, to do this induction, I had to use Netflix to get this
and let me tell you already, the rental copy of this film is a piece of crap
that doesn’t even have scene selection on the menu.
But
let’s get to the backstory of the film itself.
Well,
you could expect a very good remake to be done by a very competent director who
has done several films and can be trusted to be faithful to the source material
while having a film with an enjoyable cast of characters. But remember that
this is Platinum Dunes, who is infamous for pulling bullshit out their asses
and flinging it at you, so instead we get Samuel Bayer, a guy who had never
directed a feature length movie before and was known as the director you would
call…… for music videos. Yeah, Bayer directed music videos for Nirvana (Smells
Like Teen Spirit), Ozzy Osbourne (Mama, I’m Coming Home), Blind Melon (No
Rain), Melissa Etheridge (Come To My Window), The Cranberries (Zombie),
Smashing Pumpkins (Bullet With A Butterfly), Garbage (Stupid Girl), Lenny
Kravitz (Dig In), Green Day (American Idiot, Boulevard of Broken Dreams,
Holiday, Wake Me Up When September Ends) & My Chemical Romance (Welcome To
The Black Parade), among others.
So
yeah, with that much success, you would eventually expect this guy to get a
chance to make a feature length film, but when that first movie just so happens
to be a remake, you are going to be way in over your head.
But
let’s go to the actors and since this a remake, we can’t have Robert England be
Freddy Krueger despite there being a very damn good reason for Robert to be the
only Freddy at this point since Freddy must have that personality that only
Robert England can pull off. But his replacement wasn’t a bad choice as it
would be given to Academy Award nominated actor Jackie Earlw Haley, who had
just come off a very well-liked performance as Rorschach in The Watchmen.
Interesting
bit of trivia: it is rumored that Jackie Earle Haley originally tried out for
the original Nightmare on Elm Street film (not as Freddy of course) and didn’t
get the role. But his roommate who merely just his ride ended up getting a big
part in the film. His roommates’ name was one Johnny Depp
Oh
What Could Have Been With Jackie....
And
at a convention, Robert Englund said on camera, that the cast for this film was
comprised of very good actors and looking at what many of these actors did
after this film, I could honestly say that he may not have been wrong.
But
what happens when you get a bunch of actors who are hampered by a director
obviously way over his head and a studio that couldn’t give two shits about
what they do with the films as long as it makes them money (which sadly these
remakes mostly do……on the first weekend)? What you get is what many consider to
be one of the worst remakes of all time and it is definitely one of the most
hated. But let’s see how much of mess this film is.
We
start with the opening credits which is done well and is very off-putting,
helped by them using the theme music for the Nightmare on Elm Street series.
This
is the ONLY time you hear the theme song from the movie that this is remaking.
Got to love that even before anything happens, this so-called remake is just
gift-wrapping for you that there is only crap from here on in.
So
we are at the Springwood Diner…
Because
This And The School Are The Only Ways This Film Is Ever Going To Tell You Where You Are (And
It’s Springwood Because That Is Where The Original Took Place As Well)
Anyway,
at the diner, there is a guy named Dean who wants some more coffee, but the
waitress just ignores him as she walks off.
Okay…..when
I talked about the cast being better actors than this film, I did not mean all
of them because this guy is Kellan Lutz who many teen girls might know
because….
It’s
Emmett Cullen From The Twilight Movies
So
congratulations Kellan Lutz because this will be the second movie you are in
that will be crapped on by Monster Crap after New Moon.
Anyway,
Dean here decides that if the bitch (his words, not mine) isn’t going to get
him some goddamn coffee, then he will get some himself. Dean then goes to the
kitchen because no one is answering him when he asks if anyone is here. He
starts seeing some strange shit like pig carcasses and immediately meets up
with Freddy Krueger.
This Is For Being A Sparkling Vampire, You Bastard!
But
wait, this is all a dream as Nancy wakes him up.
Yeah,
This Is Rooney Mara Playing Nancy, Who Fans Of The Original Nightmare On Elm
Street Will Know Is Our Heroine Through This Ordeal, And Just So You Know…For
The Opening Of This Movie, She Is Merely A Background Character. What A Great
Way To Introduce The Character Who Will End Up Being The Main Character.
Now,
I know in the original Nightmare On Elm Street, they sort of did this too where
Nancy was not the character we followed through the first part of the film. But
at least in that film, she was not a background character. She was known as a
friend of Tina, who we were following in the first part of that film. In fact,
if I didn’t know any better (and I didn’t because I for some reason missed the spot
where it said Nancy on her name tag), you would think she would just be billed
as Waitress #2.
But
once Nancy leaves, he notices that the slash from Freddy’s claw in his dream,
did become a reality since he has the wound to prove it.
Anyway,
another girl comes in whose name is Kris (who will be our Tina (just
wait…you’ll know why)).
Played
By Katie Cassidy, Daughter Of Pop Star David Cassidy
Oh
and that was the good news for her coming into this. The bad part was that
before this, she had been in two 2006 crappy horror remakes in When A Stranger
Calls and Black Christmas.
Oh
Black Christmas Remake………..Your Day Will Fucking Come Soon. If Not This
December, Then I Am So Bashing You Next December.
Hold On…
What?
I
just want you to know that it will have to be next year because I have
something planned for this year and if you remember last December, we already
discussed this.
Oh
yeah...I forgot about the film we already have planned for December this year.
But
thanks for giving me definite memory of what we will be inducting next December
in case you forget.
Of
course you will (Fuck..). Anyway, Kris here is meeting with Dean and it is obvious that
they used to be an item, which their meeting is also noticed by the boyfriend
who she just broke up with, named Jesse, who is played by Thomas Dekker.
Who Was John Conner In The Short Lived, But Cult TV Series The Sarah Connor Chronicles
Also
with Jesse is Quentin, who is played by Kyle Gallner
I
Have Nothing Too Memorable On This Guy…..Oh Wait, Now I Remember.
He
Is The SOB Puking Up What Ever The Fuck That Is In “The Haunting In
Connecticut”
Anyway,
Jesse is pissed about seeing his ex-girlfriend talking to another guy who he
knows she has a past with so he has his nameless buddy leave the diner with
him. Oh and Quentin obviously has a crush on Nancy, although you wouldn’t notice
unless you didn’t hear it from Jesse because both are just stale toward each
other.
Meanwhile,
Quentin tries to hit on Nancy and ask her out, but Jesse has him come with him
as they leave. But back to the conversation that we are supposed to be following
and Kris tells Dean that he needs to see someone and Dean says he has, but that
person said the same thing as all the rest and that it is obviously something
from his childhood that he doesn’t remember. Dean then explains that he has
been having nightmares. When Kris tries to tell him that they are just that and
are not real, he tries to argue that they are real so uncaringly that you
wouldn’t know he was arguing with her unless he tries to slam his coffee down
and ended up accidentally spilling it on Kris. He apologizes, but Kris says it
is no problem and goes to clean it up.
Of
course then I guess he starts dreaming again because after he puts his hands
over his face, Freddy grabs him and a knife that is on the table.
But
we know Freddy isn’t really there because in the real world, we just see Dean
holding the knife to his neck while Kris tries to talk him down.
Freddy
then cuts Dean’s throat, which looks in reality like Dean is slicing his own
throat, and Dean dies.
Goodbye
Twilight Guy….Maybe You Can Go Back To Acting School And Be A Better Actor…Oh
Wait, You Will Be In Those Twilight Sequels So You Are Screwed.
After
Kris screams Dean’s name, we then get our opening title crawl...which I would show you if the picture would have freaking rendered anything more than just a black screen. Nearly
10 minutes in…..dear god, I am having 10,000 B.C. flashbacks now. Thanks a lot,
you stupid remake.
The
next day (or a couple days because that is how long funerals actually take), we
have the funeral of Dean. During this, Katie sees a vision of a little girl
putting flowers into the grave and then staring back at her.
Then
A Slash Appears On Her Chest And A Burned Arm Grabs The Little Girls Leg
Kris
then wakes up so this obviously is supposed to be a nightmare. Now while this
may get a jump scare and show that she is seeing Freddy too, but my thinking is
more on the line of how dare she sleep during a funeral, especially for someone
she obviously cared about.
It
is after the funeral where we meet Nancy’s mom and Quentin’s dad.
Played
By Connie Britton And Clancy Brown
Yes,
they were able to get the coach’s wife in the Friday Night Lights TV Show (And
Michael J Fox’s original girlfriend in Spin City) and The Freaking Kurgan from
The Highlander to play parents in this film and not to spoil anything, but they
are basically side characters who really are given nothing that would entertain
us, the viewers watching this. Now Connie Britton I don’t give too much crap
for because as while she does deserve better, she does not deserve better than
Clancy Freakin’ Brown. I mean, they looked at the guy who played the Kurgan in
Highlander, Captain Hadley in The Shawshank Redemption, Sgt. Zim in Starship
Troopers, and an accomplished voice actor with him being the best voice for Lex
Luthor (Superman: The Animated Series) and being the voice of Mr. Krabs from
Spongebob Squarepants; and these knuckleheads said “Meh, let’s get him a role
that will basically mean nothing in the long scheme of things.”
Thank
you, Godzilla because that is my feeling exactly. This movie has Clancy Brown
in it and for some unknown reason, does not know Clancy Brown. I mean, this is
from the same studio that had R. Lee Ermy in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake
and it’s prequel, and actually used R. Lee Ermy. I would like to ask the men
who made this film very kindly……….WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS!!!
Oh
and the minister voiced one of DJs for the wakeups in Groundhog Day. So worth
just a freaking cameo.
Moving
on, Kris looks at all the photographs of Dean when he was a kid and for some
unknown reason to her, she as a child is in one of those photographs. Now I’m
not going to spoil much on this, but I will say that considering where this is
heading to….this seems to have been a HUGE oversight by Dean’s parents.
Kris
doesn’t understand this of course because as she said, she remembers first
meeting Dean at high school. She tells Jesse about the fact that it looked like
Dean was not in control of himself and kept saying “You’re Not Real” before he
offed himself. Jesse thinks this means nothing since Dean was under a lot of
medication, but Nancy thinks it means something as she has seen it. Jesse tries
to tell her that she wasn’t there, but Kris was…..so she saw nothing. As Jesse
leaves, Nancy says that he doesn’t know what she has seen.
Then
we go to that night where Nancy is in her room alone, listening to her iPad and
starts closing her eyes and Freddy starts coming out of the wall.
Oh
This Shit….
This
CGI abomination is the director attempting to copy a scene where Freddy kind of
comes out of the wall in the original film, but well…….let’s look back at that
picture and compare it to this picture from the original film of that scene.
Yeah,
I Think It Is Easy To See That One Looks More Terrifying Than The Other
Of
course Nancy wakes up before anything can happen so this scene was utterly
pointless and just said “Well, it was done in the original so let’s do it
here.”
Back
at Kris’ place, she is looking at a photo album of pictures of her childhood
and notices that several pages have no photos (which would be of photos when
she was like 5). She asks her mom about this and she just plays dumb and says
that those photos must have been in the garage somewhere. When asked why, Kris
reveals that apparently she is obviously in a photograph with Dean at the
funeral when they were much younger. Her mom just says who can remember
anything when they were five years old. Hmm….I don’t know. I personally
remember getting into my first fight when I was five years old (it was with
some kid who was picking on my brother and let’s just say I kicked his ass). Oh
and that other kid was eight years old.
That
night, Kris tries to go up into the attic of the garage and find photos of when
she was younger. There she finds other stuff from when she was five like a
dress with claw marks on them.
She
gets jumped by Freddy and he pins her to the ground saying, “Remember Me?” Kris
screams and it turns out that this was all just a nightmare.
Then
the next day at Springwood High School (remember, we have to remind people that
we are in Springwood) as Quentin tries to talk to Nancy again. Kris is in class
and of course, this being school and her having some boring lecture, she falls
asleep. Big mistake because she has another nightmare where all her classmates
turn to ash and Freddy Krueger is telling her that she shouldn’t be falling
asleep in class. She tries to run away, but the door ends up leading her back
to the same room where we get to see Freddy without any shadows or distorted
views and…
Bahahahahahahahahahaha…..There
Is No Way That Is Freddy. Come On, Guys…Show Us The Real Freddy.
Oh
wait, that is the real Freddy in this film. Well, I have to say that the makeup
job (in my honest opinion) looks like complete shit. Now the filmmakers have
said they want Freddy to look more like an actual burn victim, but here is the
problem. Another movie tried to do that too in 1981’s The Burning and the
terror that the burned killer in that film caused was basically screwed over by
his look that was said to look more like a burn victim.
Now
look at that guy and your first thought isn’t “Oh dear god….I am looking at a
monster”, but instead it is “Oh man, that man so deserves my pity.” But even
worse, Freddy in this film doesn’t look like a burned man, but more like a burned
alien.
In
Fact, Imagine One Of These Pathetic Kilrathis Burned And You Would Probably Get
Freddy Krueger Here.
Now
let’s compare that to Freddy Krueger from the original film.
Yeah,
the original looks a lot more terrifying than this guy.
Anyway,
Freddy corners Kris to the wall and says this.
Freddy: You have nothing
to worry about. This won’t hurt one…little…bit.
Kris
screams and that wakes her up from her dream. Of course everyone notices and
the teacher asks if she is okay. Kris notices that some of her hair has been
cut off and after the bell rings, she runs away. She drives home to Elm Street.
Okay
Guys, We Get It. This Is A Nightmare On Elm Street. Stop Bashing Our Heads With
That.
Kris
then sees that her dog is outside waiting to come in and she is confused by why
her dog is outside. Well, personally I say this is due to someone trying to get
rid of the dog, but that may just be my opinion. Kris then goes to the garage
and tries to go to the attic to see the pictures, but her mother shows up in a
stewardess attire and says that she has to go to London so she will have to
take care of herself for tonight. Kris sets the alarm so nobody can break in,
but how much you want to bet this does come back to bite someone else she cares
about in the ass, in a few minutes.
That
night, she looks at the obituary for Dean when there is a knock at the window. It
is Jesse who wants to know what is going on with her and wants to apologize for
being a jerk to her while they were dating. She talks about her dreams with
Freddy Krueger and it just so happens that Jesse is having dreams about the
same burned man. This terrifies her and she asks Jesse to spend the night with
her, which Jesse is more than happy to accept.
That
night in bed, she hears the dog barking outside. She goes to investigate, but
sees that the dog has been slashed open.
Freddy
comes in and says that he was only just petting the dog. Kris goes back into
the house, but the door ends up leading her to a pre-school. At this
pre-school, she runs into a little girl (who is her as a child) and the little
Kris tells the big Kris to hide. Then, we hear Freddy Krueger counting,
signaling that this is hide-and-seek. Oh and while this is going on, we hear
the 1-2-3 song that Freddy is coming for you. You know with this film, I
wouldn’t be too worried about Freddy coming for me as he seems to be busy doing
other things until someone tells him it is time for him to kill.
Mr.
Director, I Have Better Things To Do Than Kill People, Like Trying To Write My
Name On The Board Without Hearing That Horrible Screech My Claws Make With The
Chalkboard
Kris
wakes up from this nightmare and goes to the bathroom to wash her face. But
when she heads back to bed, she finds out that she is still in a nightmare and
that past nightmare was a nightmare in a nightmare.
Dammit
Kris, You Should Have Waited Several Months. Then The Inception Crew Would Have
Been Sure To Chase Away This Freddy Guy.
Anyway,
I say that because in her bed next to her is Freddy Krueger who attacks.
Kris,
It’s Obvious Freddy Just Wants To Snuggle
Jesse
tries to wake her up in the real world, but Freddy has her in his world and
decides to slam her across the room as if she was a goddamn pinball. Freddy
then slices open her chest and she dies.
Another
attempt to have a call up from the original, but it fails because Freddy in the
original slowly drags Tina up the wall and onto the ceiling. With all of that,
you can see just how hopeless the boyfriend’s position is to stop any of this.
And with her getting slashed up on the ceiling, plenty of blood gets on the
boyfriend and since this was a sleepover, the friends see the blood on the
boyfriend and call the cops who arrest him for her murder. Let’s see how the
remake fucks the rest of that up.
Well
He Cradles Her, Which Gets Plenty Of Blood On Him And Also Leaving Plenty Of
Fingerprints On Her Dead Body
He
Runs Out The Front Door, Setting Off The Alarm, Which Makes It Look Like He
Broke In.
He
Runs Up To Nancy To Explain What Happened And Telling Her To Not Fall Asleep
Because If You Die In Your Dreams, You Die For Real, Which Gives The Cops
Plenty Of Time To Catch His Sorry Ass
All
in all, I think Jesse did enough dumbass things to deserve being arrested for
the crime.
Jesse
is sent to jail where he is forced to sleep on the top bunk by his cellmate who
obviously wanted the bottom bunk (which begs the question why he didn’t take
the bottom bunk to begin with). Meanwhile, Nancy calls Quentin to tell him
about what just happened. Back at the cell, Jesse tries slapping himself and
tapping his foot to keep himself awake, which pisses off his cellmate who tells
him to shut up.
The
next day, Quentin does some research at Powell’s Bookstore. He starts clicking
on all these articles (not having enough time to really read them in my
opinion), and of course he ends up in a nightmare. He follows a little girl who
just so happens to appear and then disappear. Of course he runs into Freddy
talking to a bunch of random kids and when Freddy faces him, Quentin wakes up
because this was all just some stupid jump scare (with the noise shit and all).
What
The Hell Do You Want? Don’t You See I Am Talking To Some Kids.
Of
course Quentin also gets tapped on the shoulder by Nancy as they talk about
this whole nightmare situation, which Quentin reveals he is having as well.
Back in prison, Jesse is told that his folks posted his bail. But after he
leaves the cell, the guard disappears and he realizes that he is in a
nightmare. The lights go out and Jesse is now in a boiler room. Why is he in a
boiler room, you ask? Well, it’s because the original had one. Although in the
original, it made sense since that is kind of where Freddy worked and killed
kids, but here it won’t mean crap.
Jesse
hears Kris’ voice telling him to help her and he runs to do just that. He then
sees little kids watching him as he continues. Then he is face to face with
Freddy Krueger. Jesse tries to run, but Freddy of course catches him after he
finds the bodies of Kris and Dean, who look to have been tortured. This bit of
dialogue then happens.
Jesse: Oh god…
Freddy: Nope……just me.
Jesse
asks Freddy what he wants from him and Freddy does the usual asking if Jesse
can turn back time and bring the dead back to life. When Jesse says he can’t,
Freddy says he didn’t think so. Freddy grabs him, but Jesse cowers and screams
to which our burned killer responds.
Freddy: Why are you
screaming? I haven’t even cut you yet.
Freddy
laughs and when Jesse looks around, he sees that no one is there. But Jesse’s
short term relief is ended when Freddy uses his glove with knifes to punch a
hole through Jesse’s chest from behind.
Jesse
is dead in the real world, bleeding on the floor of the cell while his cellmate
his horrified and yells at the guard for help while also yelling he didn’t do
it. Back in the dream world, Freddy has hung up Jesse and tells him this bit of
info.
Freddy: Did you know
that after the heart stops beating, the brain keeps functioning for well over
seven minutes? We got six more minutes to play.
Jesse
screams and that is the end of that bit of nonsense.
Back
at the library, Nancy and Quentin are still doing research and Nancy mentions
that she is really exhausted. Quentin tries to give her some pills to keep her
awake and they talk about comparing Freddy Krueger to the Pied Piper. Nancy
talks about her seeing kids and some school, which she doesn’t know what that
means since she and Quentin didn’t go to school together since they were in
sixth grade. Quentin then reveals that they are running out of time because
nightmares can cause insomnia, which can trigger micro naps at the 70 hour
mark. Micro naps are the brain shutting down its functions for several seconds
to recharge, which means people might be dreaming, but they don’t know it. Then
after that, the brain will shut down and induce the person into a coma.
That
night, Nancy’s mom comes home and is asked by her daughter if she has any
connection to any of her friends, which her mom says that she can’t recall any
time. Nancy then asks her mom if she ever knew a guy named Freddy, which her
mom shifts her eyes and says she doesn’t think so, which Nancy accepts. Then
Nancy’s mom calls Quentin’s dad and tells him that the kids are starting to
remember.
Nancy
then takes a bath and during the bath, she falls asleep after setting an alarm
on her phone for a certain time. Then we get the well-known scene that was in
the original where Freddy’s glove comes out of the bathwater.
Not
Much To Complain About Except The Remake’s Was A Bit Too Bulky For My Liking
But
before Freddy’s Glove can start a painful fingering, there is a knock on the
bathroom door and Nancy wakes up. It is of course her mom who is asking if she
is okay. She then washes her face and suddenly sees that her bedroom has snow.
Some
Say It Is Ash, But It Looks Pretty Much Like Snow To Me.
She
is then taken to a pre-school called Badham School.
Nancy
goes to the door, but she is met by Freddy. He talks about how she is all grown
up. When Nancy says that he is just a nightmare, Freddy agrees. But he does say
that because he is just a nightmare, no one can prove he was ever here. He
tells her that she must remember because she is his Number One and his little
Nancy.
He
Then Licks Her.
So
that whole fingering thing, was a dream within a dream. Dammit, why are those
Inception guys not around…unless Freddy is one of them.
Dun
Dun Dunnnnn!!!!
But
her phone wakes her up from her bathtime with Freddy as it is Quentin, who reveals
that Jesse is dead. Nancy tells Quentin that she saw him in her sleep, which
Quentin responds that he is coming over. Quentin leaves a note for his dad as
he leaves. He also realizes that he has two pills left so he takes one with
some Red Bull. Um…I don’t know how to tell you this Quentin, but while you may
be awake, you will most certainly be feeling like crap.
A
cut away and he is at Nancy’s house, revealing that the pre-school she was at
in her dreams shut down for unknown reasons. While wondering why they and
Freddy are connected to some school, Nancy says she doesn’t know, but she knows
her mom is definitely hiding something.
The
next day, they look through Nancy’s mom’s records and they find a picture of
the class from the pre-school, which they were all a part of.
Dun
Dun Du……No, This Was Too Damn Obvious That Everyone Else Had Probably Already
Figured This Out.
As
soon as they find out this, Nancy’s mom comes in and realizes the jig is up.
After some interrogation (which was more like “Why did you lie” and “I didn’t
lie”), Nancy’s mom finally confesses that there was a guy named Fred Krueger
who was the gardener.
He
lived in the basement of the pre-school and apparently, the kids were his life.
But apparently, the kids were coming homes with marks on them that suggested
that Freddy might have been a child molester who took them to his secret room
in the basement to do unspeakable things. She reveals that when she and the
other parents found out, it was too late and Freddy had left town.
So
ladies and gentlemen, in this film, Freddy Krueger is not the Springwood
Slasher, a serial killer of children who may have done some molesting to him.
He
Is Basically Pedo Bear
Instead,
Freddy is just a straight out child molester. So the fact that he has the hand
with knives on it, makes NO FUCKING SENSE!!! So congratulations remake…the one
thing we all know about Freddy Krueger, which makes sense with the boiler room
and the glove with knives on it, is non-existent in this film.
Anyway,
Nancy’s mom tries to explain that these dreams that they are having are just
repressed memories, which since we know that if you do die in your dreams, you
die for real….makes absolutely no sense. Oh and the whole fact that three of
these kids all just so happened to die at around the same time raises no alarm
bells, just means these parents are pulling this out of their ass and Nancy,
even though she knows that is complete bullshit, says to her mom that she hopes
she is right.
They
leave the house, but before they can get far. Quentin’s dad pulls up and tells
Quentin to get in the car so Quentin goes with his dad. Oh, but before
that…Quentin believes all of Nancy’s mom’s beliefs that these are just bad
memories, making him more stupid than anyone else in this film.
You
Better Listen To Me. I Would So Kick Your Ass…If I Was In A Movie That Would
Allow Me To Do So.
Of
course Quentin does swimming laps with other students. Meanwhile, Nancy is at
the library looking over what happened to the other kids from the pre-school
photo and finds out that they have all died. She even finds one who shot his
own death on a web cam.
Of
course that is Chewie, the stereotypical Asian stoner from the Friday The 13th
remake for any of you all curious.
While
that happened, Quentin gets dragged underwater and goes above to find himself
in another area. It is here that he sees human Freddy Krueger being chased into
a building by the angry parents which include Quentin’s dad and Nancy’s mom.
Freddy
locks himself in the building screaming at the parents on the outside that he
didn’t do anything. Outside, Quentin’s dad grabs some gasoline and makes a
Molotov cocktail while Nancy’s mom is trying to persuade him to let the cops
handle this. Quentin’s dad, with another dad, is insistent that the children
shouldn’t have to live through this experience again by recalling the incidents
on a witness stand. They throw the gasoline can/Molotov cocktail into the
building through a window.
The
intentions were to get Freddy to come out so they can beat him to death, but
Krueger stays inside, burning to death as the building explodes.
But
Not Before Doing A Superman Ripping Off His Coat Pose
Afterwards,
a burning Freddy runs out of the building and runs towards Quentin.
Quentin
is then woken up by the swim coach, who gets the water out of him because he
almost drowned during all of that.
Quentin
then goes to Nancy, who had just seen the kid dying on web cam and tells her
what he saw in his nightmare. They then go to Quentin’s dad and tell him that
they killed an innocent man on the beliefs of five-year old children. Okay,
this would be interesting, if we didn’t see Freddy going all pedophiliac in
their nightmares, which means we probably know Freddy probably did what he was
accused of. So all this does (and probably why they sadly wasted Clancy Brown
on this film) was to make a red herring.
This
Is The Face Of A Guy Who This Film Felt Needed To Be Nothing More Than A Red
Herring
So
the two decide that since the kid on the v-log said that Freddy wanted him to
find something, they should go to the pre-school and find what Freddy wanted
them to find. Meanwhile, in the middle of their walk, Nancy dreams and sees
Kris’ body being dragged and then reappears to ask Nancy if she wants to hang
out with them.
Totally
The Doings Of An Innocent Man
Also,
This Was Done In The Original As Well And Like Always, It Was Done Better In t
The Original.
Quentin
hears about this and surmises that Nancy has been up too long and is now on the
micro-nap stage so she may not have long before she goes into a coma. And since
it is that night now in the next scene, I am wondering why the hell they are in
night classes since they are supposed to be in high school and we all know that
classes don’t go on until night.
They
drive to a pharmacy where Quentin tries to get a refill on his pills, but since
he has no more refills, the pharmacist refuses to give him the pills.
Meanwhile, Nancy has two dreams with Freddy. The first she gets thrown out of
the car and when she wakes up, she tries to stay awake by using the cigarette
lighter to burn her arm.
That
doesn’t work and the second time she dreams, she ends up in a boiler room for
no reason. Oh and so nice of them to have All I Have To Do Is Dream by the
Everly Brothers on the speakers to know we are in a dream.
Hey,
I Don’t Understand These Boiler Rooms Either. But It Was Either This Or Being
In The Sewers. I Tried The Sewers, But Those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Somehow Entering The Dreams And They Are Assholes.
Hey
Fuck You, Freddy!!
Here,
she gets a slash wound to the arm by Freddy and wakes up with it in the
pharmacy.
Now
think about this, if you are trying to stay awake, where would you go? Well you
wouldn’t go where these two go, which is the freaking hospital and surprise of
all surprises, guess what the hospital wants to do?
A
Sedative
But
since Nancy does not want to be put out, she escapes with Quentin (who had the
actual foresight to steal some adrenaline needles).
There
Might Have Been A Point To This Hospital Visit After All.
Quentin
drives her to a gas station and reveals the adrenaline he stole. When Nancy
says he doesn’t know what that can do to him, Quentin says that is the least of
his concerns so he takes it, but Nancy won’t. They then head for the
pre-school. On the drive there, Quentin asks why when he invited her out, she
never accepted it. Nancy says that she is a loner so that is why she didn’t
accept. Quentin then says that if they survive the next 24 hours, he will take
Nancy on a real date.
They
then head to the pre-school.
Which
Looks Like An Abandoned Pre-School
They
break in and go to the basement. There, they find the secret cave, which if the
parents had looked for it, they would have found it easily since it wasn’t that
hard for these kids to find.
I
Mean, It Was Right Next To His Bed.
There
they find out that shock of all shocks, Freddy was actually the pedophile they
accused him of. And he is not pissed because they lied, but because they told
the truth and busted his sorry ass. He also brought them here so they could
remember what he did to them.
Nancy
then decides that she must take him out of the dream world and into reality so
she falls asleep while having Quentin watch over her so he can wake her up if
she gets in trouble. While Nancy falls asleep, Quentin grabs the sharp peace
from a paper cutter and now has that as a weapon.
Unfortunately,
Quentin falls asleep too and he is in a nightmare as well. Freddy decides to
beat him up first before he decides to go into Nancy’s dream. He even says this
line to Quentin.
Freddy: Tag, you’re it.
He
goes to Nancy and sings the Freddy song. After some conversation, Nancy runs
and ends up in her house. Freddy comes down the stairs and she tries to hide in
the closet, but silly Nancy, the killer always finds you in the closet. She
then runs out of the closet and upstairs, but the upstairs hallway floor now
turns to a pool of blood. Freddy then has this line.
Freddy: How’s this for a
wet dream?
Nancy
sinks into hallway blood pool and comes out of the ceiling onto her bed.
She
then gets tied up on the bed as Freddy comes in and says this line while
feeling her up.
Freddy: You’re mouth
says no, but your body says yes.
True
talk from a rapist or a child molester. Freddy then throws her around the room.
Nancy tries to stab him in the eye with some scissors, but Freddy says this is
the dream world so this does nothing to him. She is then tossed on the bed and
screams as Quentin wakes up from his nightmare beating and tries to wake Nancy
up. Nancy screams that she wants to wake up, but Freddy says that he had to
keep her awake so that when she did finally fall asleep, she would never wake
up again. He even says this line that was in the original.
Freddy: I’m your
boyfriend now.
Sadly,
Neither The Freddy Phone Nor The Bed Death Of Nancy’s Boyfriend That Were In
The Original Are In This Version
Quentin
then uses the adrenaline needle to Nancy’s chest to wake her up and she brings
Freddy with her.
There
they fight Freddy in the real world and through most of the fight, Freddy is
kicking their asses. But Freddy eventually gets his hand with the knives glove
cut off. Nancy then says this.
Nancy: You’re in my
world now, bitch.
And
she slices his throat with that paper cutter blade.
The
two burn the place down and then leave as the firefighters try to put out the
fire, saying that they haven’t found a body anywhere. Quentin is sent to the
hospital and Nancy goes home with her mom and overall, this would be a fine
ending, which is much better than the original.
The
original had Nancy go to a car with her friends who are alive now, but the car
drives away on its own as Nancy’s mom gets pulled into the door by Freddy
Krueger.
It
was considered a terrible way to end the film and has been criticized by fans,
critics, cast, and Wes Craven himself. It was sadly a compromise between
producer Robert Shaye and Wes Craven because Wes Craven didn’t want Freddy to
return and Robert wanted to do sequels. It was an ending where a remake would
have to right this wrong.
But
that isn’t how it ends, is it? No, instead Nancy’s mom gets killed and pulled
into the mirror by Freddy as Nancy screams.
And
that is how this shitty remake ends and this was where I rightfully stomped out
of the damn theater, pissed as fuck that I wasted my time with this film. No, I
didn’t waste my money really because I bought a ticket to see Kick-Ass and
snuck in to see this movie. Looking back (especially after watching Kick-Ass,
which was good), I regret seeing this film instead.
This
film debuted at #1 in the box office, but after critics savaged the film and
fans were pissed they wasted their money, the film made 72% less money on its
second weekend. It was decided there was never going to be a sequel and while
Platinum Dunes tried to make more remakes (like The Birds), they never got past
the development stage. Well, sadly that will be ending soon as they will be
making a remake of a film based off a franchise that has awesome comic book
series and popular cartoons.
Yeah,
It Is The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Why Do You Think I Made That Joke
Earlier?
And
unsurprisingly, casting news and interviews with the producers in Platinum
Dunes have shown terrible signs that this will be another terrible Platinum
Dunes atrocity.
But
let’s go into how this affected the cast and crew. The director of this film
has not directed another movie since (only a short). Clancy Brown (who played
Quentin’s dad) is still Clancy Brown and has been unaffected by this film in
any way. Same can be said for Jackie Earle Haley (who played Freddy). But
remember when I said that Robert Englund said this was a good cast? Well, it
turns out while they didn’t do well in this movie. That wasn’t false. Connie
Britton (who played Nancy’s Mom) has gone on to be in Season 1 of the hit TV
series American Horror Story (which was Murder House), and she is currently on
the hit ABC TV series based on a movie, Nashville, which has been renewed for a
second season (oh and she is the main star of that show). Katie Cassidy (who
played Kris) has gone on to be the female lead in the hit CW TV series Arrow (a
show on DC Comic’s The Green Arrow).
But
nobody came out of this better than fine than its female lead Rooney Mara. One
year later, she would be Lisbeth Salander in the Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
and would get an Academy Award nomination for Best Actress for that role. When
I first heard this, I planned on writing this induction in April 2012 as a
boycott because I really thought she had basically phoned it in on this
performance, but now I see it wasn’t her, it was the director and producers.
She is actually a good actress now who is able to get roles easily.
Although
I Personally Prefer Her Older Sister In Both Looks And Acting Chops.
Now,
my opinion on this film and if you have been reading this far, you would know I
absolutely hate this film. But I will say this, this film isn’t even in the Top
5 worst films I have ever seen although I do consider this in my Top 5 of worst
remakes (the Clash of the Titans remake was only worse in my opinion). But that
and its make-up at times (the actors do look like they haven’t slept in a
while), are the only good things I can say about this film. Jackie Earle Haley
tries his best to be Freddy Krueger, but he fails to be anything close to what
Robert Englund brought to the role. The make-up for Freddy was as you know,
dreadful. The CGI effects were just laughable. The cast was directed so
horribly that I cannot give them any good marks. The film could have given us a
better ending than the original, but since they tried to make it so much like
the original, they copied that crap as well. The stuff that was in this film
was just there because it was in the original (the claw especially). The
decision to turn Freddy from the Springwood Slasher into basically the human
version of Pedo Bear was just mind-boggling. The twists you could see a mile
away and even pushed to M. Night Shyamalan level bullshit. But its biggest sin (over everything else) is
this film is boring and although 96 minutes, it is a long 96 minutes that makes
you at time want to go to sleep yourself.
But
you know what? In the end, it has already been forgotten by almost everyone
except when talking about bad movies. Every person that talks about Nightmare
on Elm Street (including the long documentary on the series Never Sleep Again)
doesn’t talk about this film. The people in the film don’t even talk about it.
And everyone would probably agree on this one simple thing. If you think this
remake is better than the original after all of this reading, then as the band
Styx would say, “You’re Fooling Yourself”.
Well, let's see what we have to induct next.
Actually, we have a tie.
A tie? I guess we got to do a good old coin flip to see what the next induction is.
No bother....
Um...why?
Because while you inducting my gauntlet of horrible films during the summer, I fixed the Randomizer to do what I want it to do.
Oh goodie...
Yes, that indeed. So which of the two tied movie did the Randomizer choose?
Well, As The Old Saying Goes…..Out Of The Frying
Pan And Into The Fire
