Monster Crap Inductee: Attack Of The 60 Foot Centerfolds (1995)

Monster Crap Inductee: Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfolds
Oh No………Run From The Giant Women *Sarcasm*

1995

Folks, let’s talk about Fred Olen Ray.

Fred Olen Ray, other than Roger Corman and Charles Band, are the long lasting names who you go to for extremely low budget cinema. As a child, he was always a huge fan of horror films and collected autographs from many of the actors from those films of his childhood so while almost all of his movies are undeniably cheesy and many are just fodder for Monster Crap, I won’t criticize the man too much because he really is living out his dream. He also owns a pro wrestling federation called ACW (All-Star Championship Wrestling) and also wrestles there as “Fabulous” Freddie Valentine. He goes by various different names and besides low budget horror, he is known for doing soft-core porn. Thankfully Porno Pete is not around at this time.

Now let’s talk about Attack of the 50 Foot Woman.

Attack of the 50 Foot Woman was a 1958 science fiction film that tried to capitalize on the trend of having movies involve ordinary people turning either large or small from some event like The Amazing Colossal Man and The Incredible Shrinking Man (Colossal Man is ridiculous, while Shrinking Man is actually very well done and is a very somber tale). However……..instead of a man filling in those roles, someone decided to have a woman do so instead. While a low budget film, it made $88,000 so while there was talk of a sequel, one was never made. I’ve seen it and it wasn’t really memorable to me.

In the mid-1980s, director Jim Wynorski (whose work I am definitely not a fan of) was going to remake the film with Sybil Danning as the lead, but of course that film was never made. Finally, in 1993…..the movie was remade into an HBO movie, with Darryl Hannah in the lead role.

Which Is Only Memorable Because It Is Incredibly Stupid

Cue Fred Olen Ray who decided “Hey, let’s rip-off that movie, but we need more tits” and thus Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfolds was born. So let’s not waste any more time and get into this film.

We begin this movie with a stormy office building.

Inside it, Dr. Lindstrom is performing an experiment on mice with beauty enhancing products.

And after that minute, we get to our opening credits.

Immediately after that, we go to a photo shoot to apparently decide who will be “Plaything of the Year”.

The three women are Angel Grace (played by JJ North, who appeared in plenty of these trashy, low-budget, straight to video, exploitation films), Inga (played by Raelyn Saalman), and Betty (played by Penthouse centerfold turned porn star Tammy Parks). The cameraman is Mark and his assistant is Wilson. They models basically take off their tops to show their boobs and since I am running a tight ship here, you won’t be seeing them unless you watch the movie yourself. Mark says that if it were up to him, all three would win the contest. But since it is not up to him, it’s up to the boss Bob Gordon, who Mark says they will be meeting this weekend. We see through dialogue that red-headed Betty is very cutthroat to her competition and pretty much guarantees in her heart that she will win. She also insults Angel about her “age” and questions if her breasts are getting smaller.

This insult and lack of confidence by Anger brings her to the office of Dr. Lindstrom, who she wants to give her the beauty enhancement formula. Lindstrom is at first very reluctant, but Angel is able to win him over…….although he warns here to take only one a day. While in the waiting room, Angel meets a cameo in…..

The Invisible Man

Now I have seen the original Invisible Man movie and it is really well done. So excuse me if I’m not the biggest fan of this throw away cameo.

Meanwhile back in the dressing room, Betty is making some rather juvenile alterations to her competition’s head shots.

When Wilson tells her that those alterations won’t help her win the centerfold competition, she says that she knows that and it just makes her feel better. Betty thinks that sleeping with Bob could help her win the contest, but Mark tells her that she should stay away from Mr. Gordon because he has a girlfriend who is insanely jealous and tells her that however…..she can always sleep with him. Betty then retorts with “What good will that do me” before closing the door.

That night, Angel goes to her bedroom and drinks the first vial of the beauty enhancement drug and of course when she goes to the mirror, her boobs grow like balloons.

Back at the office of Dr. Lindstrom, he gets called down to the lab because apparently, the drug that he has been giving is now causing side effects.

Yep………..The Test Mice Turn Into Men In Rat Costumes

Dr. Lindstrom says that this is terrible………in the way that an actor who couldn’t give a shit about his role would give. But his male assistant says that it gets worse because….

One Of The Rats Has Escaped And Made A Clean Hole That You Would See From Tom And Jerry.

His female assistant comes in with a hammer, surveys the situation, and says that they may need to call the government on this situation. Lindstrom says no to that because the government would take over everything and he would lose his grant. So they instead decide that they will call an exterminator……….a damn good exterminator.

Dammit………These Doctors Can’t Get The Money To Hire HHH

No…………They Can’t Afford To Get Them Either

Dr. Lindstrom tries to call Angel to explain to her the situation, but because she is off to the Gordon mansion, he only gets her answering machine.

There they meet Bob Gordon and his girlfriend Rosita.

It’s Jay Richardson and Nikki Fritz!!!

Porno Pete…………..what in the pink hell are you doing here???

I was informed that you were doing a Fred Olen Ray induction and damn it, I am not going to miss out.

What???? Who told you this???

That Would Be Me.

Why????????

I heard what you said about being glad that Porno Pete wasn’t around to see you do this and since I am supposed to make your life hell, I called Pete and told him you were doing this. I also gave him access to the inductions as you type them.

*sigh*

Alright……..so Pete, why don’t you give us info on the two actors that are playing these roles.

Glad to. Jay Richardson is in almost every film Fred Olen Ray and Jim Wynorski does and that includes their porn films as well. Though thankfully he never gets involved with the sex acts, he is consistently in them and at this point, he is very recognizable.

As for Nikki Fritz….she is an attractive young thing who got her big break as a bikini girl in Columbia Pictures’ Big Break and has shown off her beautiful body. She was sexy in the Cinema After Dark series Nightcap and was in both of the softcore Blair Witch Project parodies called The Bare Wench Project.

Please tell me that is all….

It’s all for now. But I will be watching you and if I see something else worth chiming in on. I will do just that.

Charming………..and NegaSeth.

Yes????

You truly are a bastard.

Why thank you.

Moving on….Bob Gordon talks about how rich he is and even though Rosita is his girlfriend, he treats her more like a maid by having her carry all of the heavy baggage that the centerfold contestants have brought with them.

We get attempted pratfall comedy where Rosita avoids randomly placed items while carrying all that luggage before finally falling on a skate that was left on the stairs.

 

I Wouldn’t Treat You That Way, Nikki. Call Me At…..

Get out of my induction, Pete!!!

Anyway, that night…..we learn that there will be a photo shoot with the three finalists at a beach that Bob owns on his property. Both Betty and Inga try to arouse Bob, but he doesn’t fall for it. In fact, all it does is piss off Rosita who brings out a meat cleaver.

Although That Is Only To Cut The Cake

As Bob goes to talk to Rosita, Inga and Betty each go after each other for trying to put the moves on Mr. Gordon. That night, Mark tries to hit on each of the girls, but his moves only work on Angel thanks to Betty’s suggestion. But every time Mark tries to ultimately have sex with her, she inadvertently stops him and eventually passes out from being drunk.

That mourning, she wakes up and her face is kind of in bad shape.

She takes several vials of the drug (which the doctor warned her about doing on a single day) and passes out.

But Not Before Having This Nightmarish Image Come Up Only For A Second Before She Turns To Normal

She wakes up from being passed out and gets ready for the photo shoot.

A Photo Shoot That She Is Already Way Late For.

Angel finally shows up in her bikini.

Everybody is surprised though because apparently Angel has grown taller.

They take a break from the photo shoot and Angel suddenly passes out.

Betty makes some snide remark about how the competition just got a little easier with Inga criticizing her for that. Mark then decides to try to get Bob to call a doctor. Betty and Inga follow Mark as Wilson stays with Angel. They come back with Mr. Gordon, but Angel and Wilson have disappeared. Wilson does show up to say where he is, but when they ask if Angel is okay, he says “Define okay”. Then we see that Angel….

Has Grown Pretty Huge

Bob Gordon then goes on his phone to cancel the ambulance. No one knows how this could happen and Angel says that she is scared. Bob then says that they will take care of her as we transition back to Dr. Lindstrom and his crew at their building where they meet the exterminator they called.

Oh Boy……………….It’s Peter Spellos

If you are wondering who Peter Spellos is, he is an actor who at the beginning was used as a voice actor, but then transitioned to parts in low budget movies like Munchie, Sorority House Massacre II, and Guyver. His biggest work at the time this film came out was as Tracy’s Sexual Molesting Father in the Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare and as the voice of Sagat in Street Fighter II: The Animated Movie.

The Movie Where For Some Random Reason You Get To See Chun Li Naked In The Shower

What???? I have to see that.

*Porno Pete runs off*

Knew that would get him away. Now I can continue the movie without fear of anymore interference.

Anyway, he plays Vic Stryker, a “very good exterminator”. Vic is so cocky that he puts his rat-skin boots on Dr. Lindstrom’s desk and smokes, despite Dr. Lindstrom telling him he can’t do either. Of course, his arrogance impresses Lindstrom who asks when he can start.

Meanwhile back on the beach, the giant Angel Grace is placed in a massive tent.

That With Size Ratios, She Would Have A Tough Time Fitting Into And Even Better, Getting Out Of.

By the way, love the freak show posters on the tent as if, “Yeah, we are not hiding her. Come right on in”.

And If You Are Wondering How They Got A Bikini Big Enough To Fit Her 60 Foot Body, Well……..That Never Gets Answered.

At the Gordon residence, Bob schemes with Mark about their plans to exploit Angel’s new growth so they could get millions from her body being so huge before they sell her off to the government. Wilson hears about this and is not happy; confronting Mark….who tells Wilson to back off because she likes Mark, not Wilson. Mark leaves Wilson with the “Win some, lose some” comment. Back at the tent, Angel wakes up and realizes that her growth wasn’t a dream, which devastates her.

Then back at the building, they send Mr. Stryker into the room with the large rat hole to see if he can catch it. In the room, he looks at the rat that was cage and gives the expression of someone who just smelled a fart. As he grabs a mallet, the giant rat decides to turn off the lights.

I’m Guessing He Is “In The Mood”

Stryker notices the lights are out and with a hammer, challenges the rat to show himself. He tries to use the cheese trap to catch him, but it is too smart for that. Then the giant rodent decides to sissy fight him.

This surprisingly scares the exterminator to leave the building.

Bye Vic…………

Mark then decides to drive the van up to the tent where they keep the 60 foot and if you don’t yet get the size proportion problems with the tent, I would like you to see this

Somehow I Doubt That Is A Tent Big Enough To Hold A 60 Foot Woman

He then goes into the tent looking for Angel…...okay seriously, she is 60 feet tall, how in the hell is that hard to find? I think a 60 foot hot chick would stick out. Oh wait………never mind, she was outside the tent.

Just Look At That Tent Now…………How In The Blue Hell Did She Get In There?

Anyway, Mark gives Angel flowers and tells her that they are sending for a specialist. Now even they pointed out beforehand that they didn’t think there was a specialist that existed for a 60 Foot Woman, but she is a model so I guess we can forgive her stupidity for believing this crap. She asks if they contacted her doctor, Dr. Lindstrom and Mark says “Yeah…..sure”. You know if you would answer it that way in real life, you would definitely be called out as a big liar. But since she is a model, we can forgive her once again for buying it. We then have a gag where she sneezes and the power of that sneeze knocks Mark over.

Mark goes to leave and Angel offers him to come inside with her, which by the way she is saying it, she wants to have sex. Mark of course decides he has a headache and leaves.

What the hell is wrong with Mark? Having sex with a 60 Foot Woman doesn’t sound like a bad idea…….just be on top.

Goddammit Pete, I thought I got rid of you.

Hahahahaha.....No such luck.

Fuck…..

Continuing on, Mark tells Bob that she bought it.

Back at the building, Lindstrom has guards prepare a giant mousetrap.

This Goes About As Well As You Expect As The Trap Goes Off On One Of The Guards Off-Screen, Either Killing Him Or Causing Him To Lose A Limb or Two.

At the house, Bob tells both Betty and Inga about how good the situation is going. When asked by Betty about the contest, Bob says that he will need a few more days to decide (you know, so he can pretend they still have a chance without giving them the heave-ho for the planned 60 Foot Centerfold).

We once again transition to the building where his female assistant gets a little too trigger happy when she thinks she hears something.

Then at the tent, Angel is given to baskets full of bread, which might as well be potato chips to her. He also gives her a giant lipstick.

Angel then asks for some burgers so we have the awkward scene of Wilson ordering 250 Fatburgers.

 

At the building, they finally are able to get a spray that shrinks the rats back to normal size, although with small side effects.

The Side Effects Are A Bit Explosive To Say The Least Which Means Some More Tests Need To Be Done

That night Wilson meets up with Angel to warn her about Bob and Mark’s plan to exploit her before giving her to the government. He also admits that he is in love with her (yeah…..throughout this film, it’s been more than hinted that he has a crush on her). Unfortunately Angel doesn’t believe anything he says and says that she can take care of herself. But she does ask him to get in touch with the Lindstrom clinic in LA and tell them what is going on.

Back at the house, Betty is leaving her room. Inga sneaks up behind her and asks what the hell she is doing. Of course, both of them were going to try and seduce Bob, but of course Rosita comes out instead with a shotgun.

I Would Suggest You Two Ladies Run

They do just that as we go to a random part of the area near Bob Gordon’s estate where a truck’s engine has broken down and two guys are trying to fix it. I should mention that the passenger is Tommy Kirk, who was the protagonist kid in Old Yeller

Yeah, He’s The Kid Who Had To Shoot Old Yeller In The End

We get the Jurassic Park joke of the beer shaking as giant footsteps can be heard. Suddenly Angel shows up and asks for directions into town.

The Guys Freak Out As Appropriate.

Not so…….Mr. Monster Crap

How is that not the appropriate reaction?

Although this is not a porno, you ever see Dude, Where’s My Car?

Son: I Want To Go On That Ride, Daddy

Dad: Me Too, Son. Me Too

I’m actually going to have to agree with our porn addicted friend on that one.

Okay Porno Pete, I will give you that one. Can we move on?

Oh by all means…..

Thank you.

Meanwhile at a gas station, the gas attendant is trying to…..

Well, Well, Well…………A Russ Tamblyn Cameo.

If you are wondering who Russ Tamblyn is……well, you obviously haven’t seen the 1961 Academy Award winning film West Side Story.

He Played The Jets Leader Riff.

Anyway, the gas station attendant is telling reporter Glenn Manning….

Jesus Christ……….That’s Stanley Livingston

He Was Chip Douglas On My Three Sons

So in this cameo ridden scene, the gas station attendant is telling reporter Glenn Manning about his whole alien abduction and then says that the aliens are supposed to meet with him tonight. Glenn Manning is of course, not believing of his story since the aliens are a little late from the time the gas station attendant specified. The truck from earlier comes by and talks about the 60 foot woman and drive away before even getting their gas. Glenn then decides this will be a more interesting story than potential contact with beings from another world, which sadly he would be dead wrong on. But I understand why he would leave since he probably doesn’t believe the guy.

Well The Jokes On Him Because That Gas Station Attendant Wasn’t Lying.

Anyway, after that pointless scene….we see Angel looking at a billboard. She also goes up to a drunk asking for a sip of his beer. The drunk says she can have the whole thing since he just quit. Actually, I appreciate the subtlety of that joke and not the over-reaction to seeing a giant woman. We also see Glenn telling the editor about how he needs a couple of days to look into this giant woman story. The editor is not happy, but says he can have those couple more days…….but he better be right or not come back at all. Oh yeah, Glenn says that nothing gets by him..

Which Is Ironic Since Said Giant Woman Just Snuck By Your Inattentive Ass

The next day, Wilson stealthily calls Dr. Lindstrom to tell her about what is going on with Angel. Of course, he then bumps into Betty, who is wondering what the hell is going on. Wilson is tired of keeping it a secret and shows Betty the planned centerfold is going to be Angel.

We then transition to a scene where Glenn takes photos of a giant human sized footprint and says that he is going to make a million bucks off of these pictures. Meanwhile, Mark takes pictures of the giant Angel in a giant tub of water.

Anyway, the news of Angel being the centerfold pisses off Betty and she blames Angel. She at first tries to get Inga to help her, but Inga has conceded the contest because she knows that a 60 foot model will sell more copies. Betty then wonders how Angel got so big so she goes into her room. She rummages through her room, finds the remaining vials of the potion and downs a few of them.

Bob and Wilson arrive to the shoot in Bob’s car (which is highlighted by Mark being in between Angel’s boobs (sorry, but I can’t show you that))and despite their initial denials, Angel has both Mark and Bob admit to their scheme thanks to Wilson. But that will have to wait because……..

Betty Got Huge Too (Don’t Ask How She Got A Giant Bikini Also)

Inga tells all of them what Betty did and a catfight between Angel and Betty ensues, while Glenn is somewhere taking photos.

 

Dr. Lindstrom arrives and tries to tranquilize Betty, but it doesn’t work and Betty instead throws the dart which hits a running Bob Gordon.

 

The catfight heads towards the city and we get a few jokes before they get there like.

The Theft Of Bottles Of “Belligerent Bitch” Vodka From A Truck

And Bob & Inga Trying To Get Back To The Mansion Only For Rosita To Show Up And Get The Extremely Wrong Idea About What Is Going On.

We then get to the city where we see the two giantesses still fighting.

 

The police chief tries to get back-up, but of course no one believes him. A cop tries to rally the remaining troops, saying they don’t need back-up to take care of a couple of dames. But the other cops run and he himself in the end runs too, along with everyone else.

Including A Guy In A Dracula Costume (A Cameo Role By Forest J. Ackerman, Who Was An Editor & Writer For The “Famous Monsters Of Filmland” Magazines)

Anyway…..Mark, Wilson, and Dr. Lindstrom arrive and use the spray to cure both Inga and Betty of their giant problem. Angel gets one last punch to knock Betty out. Mark gets knocked out by Wilson, who tells him that “You win some, you lose some” before kissing Angel. Mark tries to help Betty and the side-effect hits her because she explodes along with Mark.

 

Our film ends with two ladies at a grocery store looking at the tabloid with the giant women story and don’t believe it because of course………it’s a tabloid magazine.

Oh The Last Thing We Truly See Before Credits Is That Giant Rodent From Earlier Is Terrorizing Beverly Hills.

The credits are of course filled with a Fred Olen Ray staple of the actors having a picture shown of them in the film as they are named.

Since this is a straight to video film, there isn’t much to tell if this film did well or not. All I know is it is one of Fred Olen Ray’s most well-known films and that does say something. But the other aftermath would have to go to the actors, who many of them have either continued to be in Fred Olen Ray or Jim Wynorski films, continued to be in other films (Tammy Parks and Peter Spellos) or have retired. Sadly, three of these people are no longer with us. First, we have Forest J. Ackerman, who died in 2008 at the age of 92. Then, we have Claire Polan, who was married to Ross Hagen (who was the driver in the truck with the passenger) until her death in 2003. Finally, we have Ross Hagen himself, who died in 2011.

But the most noteworthy aftermath would have to go to our lead in J.J. North. She continued acting until 1996, when she retired and became a pro wrestler in the independent federation known as Roman Gladiator Wrestling until 2006. I don’t have much info on this independent federation, but apparently it existed and apparently J.J. North became a pro wrestler there.

Now it is time to air my thoughts on the film itself. This film is rather goofy and something you would expect to see out of a Fred Olen Ray film. Cheesy acting and bad effects with an attempt to try to appease the audience with tits. Hell, the reason I did this was to honor a guy who I met at the 2011 Fright Night Fear Fest, who was a very nice guy. I can find some enjoyment out of his films, like I’m sure so many others can. While I’m sure I won’t be seeing this film again because it would rarely pop up on TV or Netflix Instant Queue these days, but if it does…………I might watch it again, although I can’t promise that with my schedule. I’m sure I will induct another one of his films…………but I don’t own one so I don’t even have a guess of when that will be.

So now that we have finished with the Fred Olen Ray induction, what film are you going to have me do next, NegaSeth?

Ah yes…………..the next film that you will be inducting will be a horrible sequel that completely changes everything you liked from the original film while still trying to call itself a sequel. In fact, in the end……….knowing you, you might be spoiling more of what happens in the original film than the sequel does. It’s a film that we call……….

C.H.U.D. II: Bud The Chud