Seth's Odyssey: Monster Mania 16

I did say I would be at the convention and I was. However, if you were looking for me on Sunday............I left early because besides autographs and vendors, nothing else was happening. I had sadly bought everything I needed to buy at that point so if you didnt see me on Sunday, I am truly sorry because I decided to instead spend my Sunday going to the Maryland Zoo and I had a good time there (I have no pics of myself at the zoo).

The convention was extremely fun and amazing to my family. The people there were extremely nice and caring. My sister in law stated to me that she could not see other type of genre celebrities being as nice as these people were. However the best thing for me was the fans who were there. I expected costumes and I got more than expected. The Charles Band Road Show was fun for all and definately an enjoyment to a person like myself who does not look down on the low budget films. Now I do not have any pics from the Road Show because there are tits shown and I do not wish to subject the younger fans to mature content at this time.

There was also a good story I had that will also not appear in my pictures and during the Robert Englund autograph signing, the person in front of me had a severe case of OCD and her greatest fear was Robert Englund as Freddy Krueger. Now I know some people may dismiss this person to say that they were acting, but I will say this. If this person was acting, she would have to be one of the greatest actresses I have ever seen. She was only there because her therapist used this as a form of shock therapy where you must face your greatest fear. She had been in line to see him 4 times before this and 4 times before, she had freaked out and left. How do I know she did this? Well, security can confirm this to be true as I have spoken to some of them. They in fact were more than kind enough to accompany her to meeting with Robert Englund. Robert and his wife (who was helping him with the autographs) were more than kind to her and helped her face this fear. Personally, I hope this helps her in her recovery.

Now I should note that I finally got Robert Englund's autograph in the third try and it had nothing to do with Mr. Englund himself. The first time, I was almost there.........but I realized that I forgot my camera (I do have moments where I am an idiot). The second time, I left because of the long line and I was fatigued from my Multiple Sclerosis so I went back to my hotel room to sit for a bit. I then went to see Friday The 13th Part V and then went for the third try. I got there and that story with the OCD woman happened there.

Now it is time for the pictures.

That is myself getting a picture taken with Kane Hodder, who was Jason Voorhees in Friday The 13 Part VII: The New Blood, Friday The 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday, & Jason X. Ironically enough, I have inducted two of those films to Monster Crap.

Outside of the Robert Englund autograph signing (2nd time), I saw a small field mouse hanging around the place. I decided to take a picture for my own reasons.

While waiting in line for Robert Englund a second time (there was an extremely long line), I took a picture of a man who is dressed in what is supposed to be a serial killer or victim with all the fake blood dripped on him.

I met Derek McKinnon (who played Kenny Hampson, the killer from Terror Train) outside of the convention and he was nice enough to allow me to take a picture of him outside of the autographing room. This was the guy's first convention and he seemed like he had a good time. He was also extremely nice to alot of people.

I saw a kid outside in this costume and I had to take the picture. I was taking pictures of people with some sort of costume as part of chronicling my experience so I take this picture.

Dude in an awesome Spawn costume............Picture Must Be Taken

Someone built a great model of Freddy Krueger. This is just extremely well done.

In the vendor aisle, there is this picture of the zombie and while I think it looks great, I just did not have enough money to buy this. Plus even if I did, I would have nowhere to put it because there is so much stuff where I live.

I bought a shirt from this guy on Friday and took this picture on Saturday. He was selling for T-Shirt Bordello.com and I might buy more shirts from them because they have some great T shirts.

Two of the three girls who were together in costumes. The third was a nun, but sadly I did not get her picture. But this picture was taken in the vendor room and I liked those costumes the ladies were wearing.

This is something I dont know if it was one sale or not, but I so want this and am sad that I did not end up buying this if it was on sale.

This was on sale, but once again I did not buy it. But seriously, if I did buy this.............I might have caused nightmares for my nephew and I dont want him to end up like the girl who was in front of me at my third attempt to get Robert Englund's autograph. So yeah..............nice item, but I was not going to buy it.

Saw the Pirate lady and took the picture of her.

I have no idea who he is dressed as, but it is really awesome.

Bought this Puppet Masters poster for $20 bucks, but got the autograph from Charles Band..............FOR FREE. Really a cool guy and it is only a shame I do end up ripping on some of his films.

Kane Hodder had this as one of the stills on his table for him to autograph so you are damn right I bought this still. I may be alone, but I love the Uber Jason costume.

I got Derek McKinnon's autograph on Friday and I asked him which mask was his favorite (he wore several masks while he killed people). His answer is none of them as they were all very hard to breath in, but he did say that if that was not an option, his favorite mask was the old man mask.

I got Charles Herbert's autograph (it was the first one I got). He played the kid in the original The Fly (trust me............Vincent Price is long dead). Despite the fact he got my last name wrong by one letter, he is an extremely nice guy who liked the fact I was a huge fan of the older films.

Linda Blair has since become an huge animal rights activist, but she was really a nice lady.

Heather Langenkamp was great to talk to and she also agreed with me that this effect with the phone was great.

Damn Melinda Clarke is still attractive as hell. What I did not know was she was in the film that I enjoyed called Spawn so of course, I got that still of her autographed.

The person who I had no idea would be there at all was WWE Hall of Famer Nickolai Volkoff. Being the pro wrestling fan that I am, I got an autograph of the guy. I would try to get autographs from all four guys, but sadly Freddie Blassie (the guy all the way to the left) passed away a few years ago.

Had a small chat with Thoma Matthews while I got this autograph when he asked if I saw the midnight viewing of Return of the Living Dead, I told him the truth and he understood. The truth was I tried to watch the film, but I had taken my nighttime medicine and I ended up too tired to stay awake during the film.

This was Melanie Kinneman's first convention (very important for a person who had a huge role in one of the Friday The 13th films) and I have to say she is still very attractive. She also loved that I was a huge fan of the chainsaw.

This is Linnea Quigley's autograph. Alot of these stills she had, had her exposing her breasts, but being tame is not the real reason I chose this pic. The real reason I chose this pic is because of the awesome werewolf  at the top of the pic. Ironically enough while I did not stay awake during the entire midnight showing of Revenge of the Living Dead, I did see Linnea Quigley's breasts and dear god, you should see those in HD if you are a hetrosexual male.

This was the T-shirt I bought on Friday from T-Shirt Bordello. I just completely cracked up when I saw that shirt and I must say, this would have been much better than the shit we got with Alien vs. Predator. Fuck you, Paul W.S. Anderson for fucking that film up.

When I was in the third attempt to get Robert England's autograph, I saw this lady in the school girl outfit, I decided to take a picture.

While my family loves it, I do not like the face I made for this shot with Robert Englund picture. Robert Englund is awesome though and very well worth the 30 bucks I spent and the three times it took to finally do this.

This is the autograph I got from Robert Englund and I really like the line he said "Sleep Kills". If you are wondering what film this still is from, it is from Freddy vs. Jason.

I have to be honest, there was a deal we made for the first picture. I could take a picture of the four people if the three masked men got a picture taken with me. Pretty solid deal.

While on the escalator, I attempted to take a pic of Miguel Nunez Jr. who was passing by. He caught me and did this pose so while some may have not had good experiences with the guy, I had a great experience with him. Nice to know that I have the picture of Deejay from the Street Fighter film.

I saw this guy dressed as a zombie skater. I asked to take his picture and he agreed.

Nice picture with the person dressed up as a sexy clown. Ironically enough, I saw her in a bikini going to the pool from my hotel room.

While I was on the path to the Charles Band Road Show, which was at 10pm. When I got to the elevator, I met John Saxon. When I asked for a picture with the guy, he graciously let it happen. He didnt have to and I wouldnt have blamed him if he said no, but he said yes and I got this picture with John Saxon.....who is one of the few guys who was at the convention I kind of regret not getting his autograph.

And the winner for best costume is this guy who had the awesome Ghostface costume which was made from a potato sack and some brown rags. I saw this guy several times and sadly I didnt have a camera during those moments. I was almost ready to write down that I sadly dont have a picture of this guy, when I finally met him on my way to the Road show. This guy has stated that his costume is of Ghostface from the yet to be released Scream 4 where the killer goes to the farmlands. While I dont know if this guy was telling the truth or pulling my leg (most likely the latter), I appreciate the effort and committment to his costume.

While waiting for the Road Show, there was an awesome Reagan from The Exorcist doll that I had to take a picture of. I should also note that while I was taking this picture, there was a Freddy head under the cloth that spouted out catchphrases. I would have also taken a picture of that, but I didnt want to get in trouble for attempting to remove the cloth.

I asked this lady if I could take her picture and she was more than happy that I wanted to do it. She said she felt pretty and while that was not the reason for doing so, I have to admit that she is very good looking. So I am glad to make her feel good about herself.

I had a great conversation with this guy in a Freddy Krueger costume about how great the original Nightmare on Elm Street was (despite the added on ending) and how terrible the remake was.

While waiting in line for the Road Show (The Boondock Saints Q&A went longer than planned), I took a picture of this wolf baby that they apparently were selling in the vendors room earlier on.

The final picture I took was of this lady in this awesome costume. of the zombie girl from Return of the Living Dead 3 (my guess). I accidentally knocked over a sign in an attempt to take this pic (dont worry, the picture didnt break).

And that is all of the pictures I had taken, but there are a few honorable mentions of costumes I sadly did not take a picture of.

* A guy and a girl in Ghostbusters costumes

* A Freddy Kruger and Jason Voorhees duo.

* A girl in the Freddy Kruger costume and the guy with Freddy's claw coming out of his chest.

If I remember seeing more, I will edit to mention them

I will say however that while I did have a awesome time at this convention (my first convention ever), I probably wont be doing another convention for a while because 1) they are expensive (I spent 275 dollars all in all at the convention) and 2) I got fatigued really easy (you dont know how many times I had to go back to the hotel and rest).

So that is my complete report on my experience at Monster Mania 16 in Hunt Valley, Maryland.

Monster Mania 16.............I Will Be There

Well kids............from this Friday, September 17 to Sunday, September 19, I will be at Hunt Valley, Maryland for the Monster Mania Horror Convention. I will not be a guest, just an attendee. So while I will not have a table or anything like that, I will talk to you if you want to. If you want to do that, just look for a person with a cane because I will have one to walk. I do also plan on taking some pics and I hope to have a good time at my first convention.

Oh and on Sunday, I do plan on rocking my custom Carolina Panthers jersey. GO PANTHERS!!!!!!

Monster Crap Inductee: Dragonball Evolution (2009)

Last time……on Monster Crap.



Seth Drakin inducted a movie that he originally liked, but when watching it a second time, saw its flaws outshine its awesome attributes. Feeling confident he wouldn’t have to go through disappointment again, our brave inductor let the audience once again decide what would be his next induction. The audience has decided which atrocity he should induct next into his wall of shame and that now…

Monster Crap Inductee: Dragonball Evolution
The Level Of Suck Is Over 9,000!!!!!!

2009

Thanks random narrator for that attempt to parody the show’s opening!!!! Anyway, let’s get to our before information out of the way.

From 1984 to 1995, Akira Toriyama wrote and illustrated the manga (Japanese word for comic) called Dragonball. Inspired greatly by the Chinese folk novel Journey To The West, Dragonball was about a young boy named Goku who while suffering from amnesia, attempts to collect seven dragonballs that if all brought together, would summon a dragon named Shenron who would grant the person who summoned him a wish. Along the way Goku would get allies and have to fight a multitude of enemies as well as figure out his own past. This manga was extremely popular and its entire saga was separated into two different animes called Dragonball (which focused on Goku’s younger days) and Dragonball Z (which focused on Goku as an adult). Needless to say, those two animes were huge hits. Seventeen feature films and three television specials were also created based off the anime. All of this hype really and sadly died down when the anime studio, Toie, decided to continue the anime after the manga’s end and created Dragonball GT.

I Could Launch Into A Whole Rant On This, But To Keep Things Short……….This Series Sucks.

In 1989, a Chinese live action adaptation to this film was created called Dragonball: The Magic Begins which really basically says to the source material that it can go kiss its ass.

And Before You Ask, It Will Be A Long Ass Time Before I Even Think About Doing An Induction For This Because Quite Frankly…..I Will Lose My Sanity If I Even Attempt This.

But that piece of crap did not stop 20th Century Fox from getting the rights to create a live action American adaptation of the anime and it took the seven years to get the adaptation completed and released into theaters. With seven years upon its belt, you would think they would do something remotely good, right? Well if it is on this site, of course they didn’t.

Oh yeah and unlike the Yu-Gi-Oh induction where I knew basically the cliff notes of that show before I inducted that cinematic piece of crap, I actually knew a lot about this anime. In fact, I was a huge fan of the show and watched it religiously. Now when I heard about the fact that 20th Century Fox was going to create a live action movie about this, the only two words I could say was “Oh No”. That wasn’t mostly of 20th Century Fox’s reputation for doing really crappy films over the last few years nor was it that fact that this is Hollywood and if its source is from another country, they are going to butcher it really badly. It was because like I said, I watched the anime and this was in the same boat as the Super Mario Brothers movie in that you can’t make a faithful live action version of this. In fact, almost all cartoons period should never be made into live action films because you could never do half the stuff done in the show right. There is a very good reason why they are cartoons and not live action to begin with.

This movie didn’t help matters by having some of the worst trailers you have ever seen and having really shitty posters promoting the film. Basically this was going to fail and everyone with an inch of a brain knew it. Hell, I have a brain and I have a plan because I don’t plan on doing this one alone. In fact, I am going to make a phone call to a good friend of mine named Forgotten Sin, who does Toon Crap. Because this movie is based off a cartoon and he knows what cartoon crap is, he could give some great insight into what is sure to be a nightmare of a film so let’s call the guy.

*dials the number*
Forgotten Sin: Hello?
Hello Forgotten Sin, this is Seth Drakin over at Monster Crap. Now I know we still have not even started on the duel induction of Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker, but I am wondering if you could help me with my next induction.
Sure…..why not, what is your next induction???
Dragonball Evolution…..
……………Yeah. I wish I could help, but I have something better to do like, uh……..listen to Gilbert Gottfried sing until my ears bleed while watching the latest Video Brinquedo movie. But hey, lots of luck….
*hangs up*

Well…….that screws up my plans so I guess I have to do this nightmare on my own. I hope you all enjoy this because this is going to hurt me way worse than it hurts you.
We start this movie with some exposition in which reveals that a long time ago, the warlord named Piccolo and his associate Oozaru brought the human race to the brink of annihilation and that was where when I watched this the first time, I immediately turned it off. Here is immediately the problem; in the Dragonball manga………..the original Piccolo had never met Oozaru. In fact, Piccolo’s son….who did see Oozaru in the form of Gohan…..had the immediately reaction of blowing up the moon to stop the transformation. So Oozaru helping Piccolo is immediately stupid. Continue on…..

Basically, Piccolo was defeated by several great warriors who used Mafuba to trap the demon into a small jar. With his master (bullshit) captured, Oozaru disappeared. We then finally get our title screen.

Yes kids, the first time I watched this film…..I didn’t even get to the title screen before I shut the damn thing off. We then have….

Unnecessary Facial Close-Up

That face is Goku who immediately has a sparring scene with his grandfather Gohan.

Goku attempts to put up a good fight, but he eventually gets beat by Gohan. But let’s look at this fight scene. It is really bad and we get highlights like….

Gohan Using The Signature Pole That Goku Would Use In The Manga & Anime (Goku Never Uses It In This Film)

Goku Throwing A Bug Into Gohan’s Mouth, Which Stuns The Elderly Man

The Fight Ends When Gohan Using A Blast To Knock Goku Into A Bunch Of Melons

Afterwards, we get Goku talking about kids picking on him in schoo……wait a minute, Goku in the source never went to school. Hell, half of the anime and manga is him asking what the hell that is to normal stuff. In fact, Goku has only once gone to some type of school in the anime and it was to learn how to drive in Dragonball Z.

That Went Over As Well As You Would Think (Which Is Terrible)

But maybe it is some small school where only a few students are around. Anyway, Goku is given a four star Dragonball by his grandfather as a birthday gift. He tells Goku that if all seven dragonballs are brought together, the person summons a dragon who will grant one wish. We then seen him go to high school and…………

Oh Kiss My Ass, Movie.

He rides his bike to the school and almost gets run over by a nice car. Goku confronts the two jocks about his bike being destroyed (and not the fact that they almost ran his ass over). He gets disrespected by the jocks and all this scene is here for is to basically say Goku is a wuss. I don’t know about you, but I would immediate report this mess to the principal. Hell, they didn’t even move the car so there is clear visual evidence of this happening. Trust me, those two dumbasses would be expelled from the school. You can also sue the pricks, but Jesus Christ…..even I know what to do in this situation.

We then see a shot of………

Piccolo On An Airship

How did Piccolo escape from the box, you ask? Well I can answer that question by saying I don’t know because it is never revealed. Piccolo basically uses a blast to destroy an entire town while his henchwoman Mai goes and kills a woman for a Dragonball.

Mai Is In The Dragonball Universe, But…..She Worked For A Really Stupid Villain Named Emperor Pilaf, Not Piccolo. Emperor Pilaf Is By The Way, Not In This Movie.

We go back to class where the teacher attempts to tell the class about a solar eclipse that is coming soon. Goku is too busy looking at the cute girl in the class (who we find out is Chichi (who by the way also never went to high school in the manga or anime)).

The teacher catches Goku not paying attention and asks what the ancestors may say about the solar eclipse. Goku then tells the teacher that his grandfather told him to beware of the Nameks. When asked what Nameks are, he reveals they are apparently aliens….which gets a chuckle out of the entire class. New problem for me because we never learned Piccolo (which is who they are talking about) was never revealed to be called a Namek until much later on. In fact, Grandpa Gohan never knew of the Nameks in the source material. Even worse is they were called Namekians, not Nameks. This movie fails again to even get the simplest of plot points right.

After class, we see that Chichi is having issues opening her futuristic key card locker. Everyone leaves Chichi behind except for Goku who uses a blast and it opens all the lockers. Chichi sees him do this and confronts him about it. She is rather impressed and invites him to a party that was happening at her house. I should mention that I don’t know if your high school has this, but my high school had something called Hall Monitors, who would get you into big trouble if you didn’t have a hall pass during class and the bell did sound in this film.

That night, Goku ditches his grandfather so he can go to the party.

And Just When Grandpa Gohan Was Going To Feed Him Fresh Chicken Feet & Squab

At the party, Goku runs into the jocks and after some words, they have a fight and Goku has inadvertently kick each other’s asses.

The main jock, who almost ran Goku over, sees his buddies get their ass kicked and……

Attempts To Bludgeon Him To Death With A Pipe

Okay, this kid deserves to be locked away before he kills anyone. The main jock misses and ends up destroying his nice car. One of his buddies gets another steel pole and both of them attempt to main the kid at the same time, but they end up maiming each other.

I Should Mention That The Two Jocks Are Far Enough Away That They Should In No Way Hit Each Other, But They Do.

The Car Ends Up Completely Breaking Down From All The Abuse

Goku and Chichi talk and sparks fly between the two. Goku then mentions that he and his grandfather celebrate their birthday on the same day. He doesn’t know what happened to his parents, but his grandfather says that all will be explained when he turns 18 and he just turned 18.

Meanwhile back at the house with Grandpa Gohan, his dinner is interrupted by Piccolo and Mai, who want the dragonball. However, Piccolo can immediately sense it is not in the house so he decides to just kill Gohan. Gohan attempts to fight, but Piccolo uses some Jedi abilities (trust me, he never had that nonsense in the anime) to beat the old man. While the old man is down, Piccolo decides to bring the house down on him.

Piccolo Should Definitely Use That Ability If Ever He Becomes A Demolition Man.

Goku immediately senses something is wrong so he leaves the party and heads home. He finds his old man dying and he tells him that it was Piccolo who did it. Gohan also tells his grandson to find Master Roshi and tell him that Piccolo has returned. Finally he says that Goku must find all the dragonballs before the eclipse. Gohan tells Goku to remember who he is before the old man dies.

The next day, Goku buries his grandfather across the river from his house. He plants a tree near his old man’s grave, which is very symbolic in Asian lure. Goku searches through his destroyed house for anything and finds Gohan’s old karate garb.

The Same Garb Goku Would Wear Throughout Most Of The Anime.

Goku then hears someone entering his house and it happens to be some random woman. The woman immediately points a gun at Goku and demands he hands the dragonball. They get into a small tussle, but nothing changes as Goku still has a gun aimed at his face. The woman reveals that her father found some “Promethean Orb” 20 years ago and says that Goku stole it from her last night. When Goku refutes those claims and mentions that his ball is a four star ball, the woman doesn’t believe him because she says the Promethean Orb has five stars. Goku shows her the ball and she realizes that it is a completely different ball. She apologizes for nearly killing him and lowers her gun.

The woman tries to buy off the four star ball, but Goku refuses and says that this is the only thing he has left of his grandfather’s memory. When Goku asks what happened to her dragonball, the woman mentions that last night a thief broke into her father’s company Capsule Corp. Wait a minute, Capsule Corp in the anime and manga is owned by Dr. Brief, Bulma’s father. That must mean….

This Is Bulma???

I’m sorry……I am sure you are a nice lady and all of that, but you are in no way Bulma.

This Lass……Is Bulma. Purple (In Dragonball) or Blue (In Dragonball Z & GT) Is Her Hair Color, Not This Brown Hair….And That Damn Blue Streak Doesn’t Count!!!!!

But unfortunately this movie has us believe that this is Bulma, but I can’t warp my brain around that so this girl is going to be called “Not Bulma”. Anyway, “Not Bulma” says that the thief stole the orb and she swore to her father that she would get it back. She followed the tracking device here and that is when they ran into each other. “Not Bulma” even shows the device.

It’s Called The Dragon Radar In The Manga & Anime, But In Here…..It Has No Name.

They then do this little wink to the audience where they say “DBE…..catchy name”. Get it; because this movie is called DBE?? Sometimes those winks to the audience and boasting about how cool their title is makes me want to put my face to a pillow and punch myself really hard.

“Not Bulma” reveals that she plans on getting all the dragonballs so she can use them to become an unlimited source of energy which will make her famous. Goku starts to leave and tell her good luck with that, but stops and then introduces himself. She introduces herself as Bulma Briefs, but once again, I refuse to believe that is not Bulma!!!!

They decide to work together because “Not Bulma” might need backup on her quest since someone evil is looking for them and Goku needs help finding Master Roshi. When they go outside, Goku asks “Not Bulma” where her ride is. “Not Bulma” then unveils her current creation.

A Four Wheeler That Can Fit In Your Pocket

Goku pretty much says what all the little kids would say at this time...

Cool….

The two ride off and head to a nearby futuristic city because they have the signal of another dragonball nearby. They decide to enter uninvited into a house which tends to look like a modern house in our standards and of course, they run into the owner of the house, who is none too pleased that he has intruders. We get another fight scene from this guy and Goku before the guy finally realizes Goku is Gohan’s grandson and Goku realizes the guy is Master Roshi. Roshi asks how Gohan is and just laughs for no reason. Goku stops him from laughing by revealing that Gohan is dead.

I Think This Actor Just Realized What Type Of Movie He Is In

Goku continues by saying that Gohan was murdered and he will avenge his death, but before that….he must find Master Roshi and to tell him that Piccolo has returned. Goku tries to recite the poem, but Roshi knows it and says that the dragon’s name is Shen Long.

WHAT!!!!!!

In the manga and anime….the dragon’s name was Shenron. You get the feeling that the people who made this movie have never seen an episode of Dragonball in their life.

*gets whisper in the ear*

Oh so in the Japanese version he is called Shen Long. I guess that means they read the Japanese version of the manga instead of the American version…..which by the way, this film was made for the American version.

The three decide to work together as they now have another dragonball. Roshi has Goku carry all of his stuff while he hitches a ride with “Not Bulma”. He puts his hands on “Not Bulma’s” hips and she immediately tells him to get his hands off her before she hurts him. That and a dirty magazine are about as far as this actor will go to being a complete pervert.

I Should Mention To Everyone That Master Roshi Is A Really Perverted Old Man Who It Seems His Goal In Life Is To See The Attractive Girls Nearby Naked.

I should mention now that at this point, we saw two famous Asian actors in this movie with Randall Duk Kim (who plays Grandpa Gohan) & Chow Yun-Fat (who plays Master Roshi). You might know Randall Duk Kim as the Keymaker in The Matrix Revolutions. You might also know Chow Yun-Fat as a famous kung fu actor who most of you may know from his role in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Chow Yun-Fat pretty much is a big name in martial arts action movies so I think his reaction to playing this character and being in this movie can be summed up in the picture I showed three images ago.

Anyway back to the movie, Roshi says that if the prophecy is true, then the eclipse coming up will signify the blood moon which will begin the end of the world. Goku has also throughout this film been having strange images of his grandfather, Piccolo, Oozaru, the solar eclipse, and the destruction of Earth. Meanwhile, Piccolo has another Dragonball, which makes him lead in the count 3-2.

Master Roshi reveals that he will take the two to a secret place where they can master their martial arts. They get to the place and find out………

This Place Is Not So Secret After All

Goku sees that Chichi is there and goes to talk to her. Chichi also kicks some random guy’s ass as afterwards, she tells Goku that this is where everyone trains for the martial arts tournament in a nearby city. The tournament they are talking about is of course, the World Martial Arts Tournament that is a huge tournament in the Dragonball universe. While talking, we see that Goku and Chichi are close to a relationship.

Master Roshi butts in and gets Goku to come with him. “Not Bulma” then shows up and says that there is a dragonball nearby. As “Not Bulma” drives Master Roshi has Goku do handstands in the back.

And Here I Pray To God Jason Voorhees From Friday The 13th Part III Shows Up.

Sadly that does not happen, but instead….our crew falls into a giant hole. This whole thing was a trap done by Yamcha.

You Know, This Is Probably The Best Casting For The Movie Because Despite The Blond Hair…..This Guy Is Definitely A Doppelganger For Yamcha In The Anime.

“Not Bulma” attempts to flirt her way out of this hole, but Yamcha is a thief and attempts to blackmail them. He wants cash for the way out of the hole. He originally wants the car “Not Bulma” has, but she declines. That night, Master Roshi tells the two a story about how everything happened 2,000 years ago and revealed that in two days, the “blood moon eclipse” will bring back Oozaru to do Piccolo’s bidding. Master Roshi then decides to escape the hole and confronts the bandit. They then make a deal that after this mission is over, Yamcha gets a third of “Not Bulma’s” royalties to her planned invention, much to her chagrin.

As our heroes get the dragonball, Piccolo uses his own blood to create minions to attack the group. At the next dragonball site (a volcano), the minions attack our heroes.

But Before That, Let’s See A Geyser Hit Yamcha In The Nuts.

Moving on….Master Roshi and Goku is actually pretty clever and while he kills the minions, he uses their corpses as lily pads so he can go over the lava pit and get the dragonball.

Goku Learned Those Moves From Frogger.

Goku gets the dragonball and Mai attempts to steal it. Goku basically no sells a punch to the face and knocks Mai away. When “Not Bulma” reveals that in two days they have no way of getting the other dragonballs, Roshi reveals that the only way to now defeat Piccolo is in the same city as our martial arts tournament (the city has a name, but I don’t know how to spell it).

At the temple in the city, Master Roshi consults his former teacher Sifu Norris who is……..

ERNIE HUDSON!!!!?????

Yes, the role of Master Roshi’s teacher (who was never named in the anime) is played by the guy who played Winston in Ghostbusters. Now, I love Ernie Hudson and all, but first off…..why is he in this movie and secondly, am I supposed to believe that Chow Yun-Fat was taught by Ernie Hudson??? My honest opinion here is that the studio basically made this character up because they were somehow able to get Ernie Hudson.

Back to the movie, Master Roshi has Sifu get him a containment unit so he can attempt to do the Mafuba. Sifu warns Roshi that it will kill him, but Roshi decides his life is less valuable than the entire world. Sifu agrees and tells Roshi they will have the jar ready.

Meanwhile at the Martial Arts Tournament, Chichi is fighting a female opponent who we know is Mai. Mai cuts Chichi and then exits the ring so Chichi wins by forfeit, much to her dismay. While Chichi’s hand is raised, we see Mai smiling as she puts a drop of the blood she got from Chichi into a vial. Goku shows up and Chichi immediately hugs him. The two talk, but nothing important is said. Meanwhile, “Not Bulma” and Yamcha walk around town and without any rhyme or reason, the two fall in love. Okay…..this did happen in the manga and anime, but they had a better build to that than this film does.

At the temple, we see Master Roshi and Goku training. Roshi shows Goku the Kame-Hame-Ha and has him train alone to master the movie by having him light the torches with the move. Goku attempts to do the move, but to no avail when Chichi shows up. She decides to help Goku train by playing a little game. She lights the torches and reveals that for each blast used to blow out the torch, he gets to move a step forward. Of course, if he fails…..he has to move a step back. The basic gist is that Goku in the end kisses Chichi. You know, the falling in love of these two is actually built better in this than the manga. In the manga and anime, the two really don’t fall in love. While Goku saves Chichi’s village from a fire, Chichi asks to Goku if he will join her in marriage. Goku, being a dumbass and believing marriage is some type of food (I shit you not), accepts. Years later, Chichi fights Goku because he didn’t fulfill his misguided promise to marry her. Goku realizes the error in his judgment and to make Chichi happy, marries her. So basically Goku’s idiocy and his insatiable appetite (that was also a characteristic of his), he ends up marrying Chichi.

That night, “Not Bulma” is awaken by some noise and sees Chichi coming out of Goku’s room. “Not Bulma” and Yamcha assume that the two were making love so they let Chichi go. Goku comes back and reveals that he has never been in the room, so we find out that Chichi has stolen the dragonballs. They chase Chichi, but Chichi throws fire in their path to block it. Everyone else leaves when Goku stays and sees that Chichi is being attacked by…………another Chichi. As it turns out, the first Chichi (who stole the dragonballs) is Mai (who has some transforming ability that I don’t believe she had in the manga or anime).

As Foreigner Would Say…..”No Disguise For That Double Vision”

Goku, seeing this, leaps into the fire, as the two Chichi’s fight. One Chichi knocks out the other Chichi and that downed one asks Goku for help. He helps her by knocking out the standing Chichi. Unfortunately, when she is down….Goku notices that the Chichi he knocked down has a cut on her hand. That means he helped Mai and Mai rewards Goku with a blast from her gun. Mai runs away as everyone tends to Goku, who they believe is dead. Master Roshi uses the Kame-Hame-Ha technique to get Goku’s heart beating again so Goku is alive. Um…..movie, I don’t think that is how the Kame-Hame-Ha works. Here is what would really happen if you used what the Kame-Hame-Ha is meant to be used for.

Master Roshi: He’s alive, but barely.

*Roshi sets up for the Kame-Hame-Ha*

Master Roshi: Kame……Hame……Ha!!!!

*Roshi does the Kame-Hame-Ha. The beam goes straight through Goku’s chest.*

Yamcha: Great work old man!!! Now Goku is surely dead with a hole in his chest!!!

“Not Bulma” has bad news for the group as she reveals that Piccolo has all seven of the dragonballs. Master Roshi reveals that they need to head to the Dragon Temple because that is where Piccolo will attempt to resurrect Shen Long. Once again…..there is a difference between this movie and its source material because you could basically resurrect the dragon anywhere in the world. So if Piccolo wanted to do his wish, he could have done it as soon as the balls were in his possession. Pretty much, this is a deus ex machina for this scene to happen and not have the end of the movie being a downer. Of course it wouldn’t have mattered anyways because in the source material, Piccolo did get the seven dragonballs and wished for eternal youth. That means that he could still die, but not by old age.

Roshi is given the containment jar that he will attempt to use to seal Piccolo by Sifu and that is the last you will see of this character and Ernie Hudson so Ernie gets billing in this movie for basically only being in it for about 5 minutes. Now I don’t blame Ernie for doing what amounts to a cameo because if they are stupid enough to pay you, take it. Besides, Ernie has been in other crappy films as well so a cameo in one more won’t hurt.

At the desert, Piccolo raises the Dragon Temple up from the ground while the good guys rush to stop him from making his wish. When they show up, Roshi and Piccolo both blast each other and when the blasts collide, they knock down the vehicle the heroes are using and also separate the dragonballs…..stopping Piccolo from making his wish.

Piccolo gets extremely pissed off by this interruption so he decides he is going to kick some ass. Goku confronts Piccolo and talks about how he will defeat Oozaru and how he will destroy him. Of course, then the big twist that anyone with a brain could see coming. The blood moon eclipses and Goku becomes Oozaru.

Now I have already mentioned my problems with Oozaru serving Piccolo so now let’s mention my problems with Goku becoming Oozaru here. Goku needs a tail to become Oozaru, which is why they CUT IT OFF!!!! Also to become Oozaru, you need a full moon….not an eclipse. And one more thing….in this film, Oozaru is just about size of your average WWE pro wrestler. In the source material…..

OOZARU IS THE SIZE OF GODZILLA!!!!!

It is kind of why he can destroy stuff so easily. But we will get back to more of Oozaru later as we need to go back to this film.

Master Roshi sees that Goku is not going to be able to help them now so he goes to grabs the containment jar while “Not Bulma” & Yamcha try to run from Oozaru. Master Roshi then attempts to do the Mafuba. Unfortunately for him, Piccolo shoots a beam at Roshi while he does it so it failed. And of course since the Mafuba was done, Roshi dies. Oozaru sees that Roshi has died and somehow Oozaru turns back into Goku.

Here comes the new issue, Goku can’t turn back into his normal form unless he has his tail cut off or the moon is destroyed. It is kind of like the normal werewolf curse. Saiyans or what Goku is revealed to be….can’t turn into Oozaru and then turn back on command. So Goku being able to change back into his normal form is complete BS.

Piccolo gets pissed off and starts to fight Goku. The two fight by basically shooting beams at each other and completely missing. Elsewhere “Not Bulma” and Mai get into a gun fight. Back to the Goku-Piccolo fight they decide to start punching each other until they punch each other into opposite walls. “Not Bulma” fakes surrendering and gives Mai her capsule vehicle which transforms in the air. Oh yeah, and it ends up missing Mai while destroying the capsule vehicle. It looks like it will be curtains for “Not Bulma” when suddenly; Mai is shot in the back by Yamcha. Mai is no more…..thankfully. Of course, instead of thanking Yamcha for saving her life, “Not Bulma” states that she would have won anyways.

Back outside, Goku turns to Oozaru to fight Piccolo. Goku then attempts to do the Kame-Hame-Ha while Piccolo attempts to do another move that I have no idea what it’s called. Of course since one move has a name and one move doesn’t, you know which one is going to win.

Goku kills Piccolo and then collects the seven dragonballs. Goku calls for Shen Long and uses his one wish to resurrect Master Roshi.

The wish works as Master Roshi is resurrected. Now while I said bullshit about the one 10,000 BC chick being resurrected after 20 minutes, I am not going to do the same here because with the seven dragonballs, you could make any wish you want and if your wish is to resurrect someone…..it will be done.

Anyway, the seven dragonballs separate and if you know Dragonball lure, they will be regular white marbles (making them powerless) for one year. This movie ends with Goku heading back to Chichi and apologizing for what happened earlier as the two kiss.

At Least It Ends Off With The One Build That Was Done Better Than The Source Material.

And just to have a little fun, here are all the important characters from the original Dragonball series (which this film is based off) that were left out of the film.

Krillin

Chiaotzu

Tien Shinhan

Emperor Pilaf

Kami

Oolong

Puar

The Entire Red Ribbon Army

And Yajirobi

Now onto….

Aren’t You Forgetting Someone???

Dear god…..I forgot that you were also not in this film, Mr. Popo. Please don’t appear in my nightmares….

Anyway, now onto some funny quotes done by James Marsters who you may know for his role as Spike in the Buffy The Vampire Slayer series. He played Piccolo in this film and of course, he had nothing but praise for this film and of course, I have to really rip him apart because according to him….his role of Piccolo is complex and Shakespearean.

"He used to be a force of good, but he was imprisoned, making him very angry, and then he escapes... The cool thing is anybody who's seen Dragon Ball knows that Lord Piccolo transforms into THE Piccolo, and that is a whole other ball of wax; heroic wouldn't be the wrong term, but it's a long journey."

There are a few problems with that statement. The Piccolo you are playing is a completely different Piccolo from the good Piccolo. You are playing the first Piccolo who is all evil. The good Piccolo is the evil Piccolo’s son who he created just before he died. Kami is the force of good and Piccolo is his evil half that was split so Kami could be the Earth deity. He was imprisoned because he was evil and almost destroyed the world……kind of like what the movie said. The second Piccolo was only good out of necessity because a greater evil was upon them and while aligning with his former enemies, eventually became permanently good thanks to his teacher-student relationship to Goku’s son, Gohan. This whole quote says that James Marsters did not only know anything about the source material, but he never even watched his own film.

It was also suggested that there would be different color wigs for several of the characters, but the director refused saying he wanted a more realistic look to his characters. In fact, the filmmakers actually wanted Piccolo to not look ugly, but James Marsters fought and won for the character to be ugly so while I just ripped on James Marsters for his previous statement, I appreciate that he went to bat for a better version of Piccolo. The blue streak to “Not Bulma” was Emmy Rossum’s attempt to give the character a respective and distinct look. Justin Chatwin (who played Goku) spiked up his hair to also do the same.

In fact I really cannot rip on Justin Chatwin because you can tell he loves the character he is playing and loves the series. He has at several times gone out of his way to play the character in a way that would be respected by the actual fans. His portrayal of Goku was actually really good and besides the script given to him, which sucked…..he was Goku.

Sadly this film was a modest box office hit internationally, but thankfully domestically and critically, this was a huge dud. There are still talks of a sequel to this, but hopefully it will never happen

My final opinion of this film is this is really frustrating to watch as I am a huge fan of the Dragonball anime series. This is one of those films that should have never been made into a motion picture and when it was, the higher powers decided to fuck the source material in the ass every way they could. I really hate when Hollywood decides to do this and apparently they did this with the Last Airbender and they plan to do this to more of the Japanese material. I think we all need to tell Hollywood with our money that they need to stop doing this to crap to stuff we like.

Well, since next month is Roger Corman month where I will be inducting a Roger Corman film………I made a few small adjustments to the Monster Crap generator so that it selects a Corman film. I wonder what film this machine has me induct next???

Somehow I Feel Hungry Now