Dear Mr. Selig,
Obviously you did not listen to the protests and you kept the crap that was Philadelphia @ Toronto in Philadelphia. There are only two ways you can fix this............either give everyone involved in these three games an asterisk for the rest of their lives, pray that Toronto plays Philadelphia in the world series and give Toronto 5 or 4 home games depending on who wins the All-Star Game with Phily getting 3 or 2 home games, or you could next year have this series again with Toronto @ Philadelphia at Toronto (giving Toronto 3 extra home games and Philadelphia 3 less home games). You made this mess so hopefully you make this right.
Sincerely,
Seth Drakin
Friday, June 25, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Political jokes
I got an anonymous email a day ago asking me since I made a few George W. Bush jokes a while ago while he was still president, why have I yet made any Barack Obama jokes.
I feel this is a good enough question that I can answer because there are two reasons for this.
1) It honestly has not come off the top of my head and I don't feel like forcing a joke that I myself don't even find funny.
2) Most of the political mess going on depresses me.
Let me explain further on that second point. Despite my past jokes on Bush and no joke yet on Obama, I am actually a Republican. And right now, both sides are run by a bunch of nutjobs who don't know what the fuck they are doing. Right now, our country is being run by politicians instead of leaders.
For now, Obama has done a completely unsatisfactory job as president of the United States. The biggest problem for me is though that the other side is just as bad. It depresses me that despite the change that this country had promised, President Obama has basically done everything that President Bush did, besides the health care bill.
* A Crisis that the president says he will take care of, but has yet to really do anything about besides point the fingers at others - check
* The president doing everything from rendition to keeping prisoners in Guotonimo Bay without habeas corpues - check
* Dealing with issues in sports rather than dealing with the economy and Gulf issues - check
* Being the most divisive president of all time - check
* Being the lesser of two evils right now - check
Like it or not people, I am starting to think that President Obama is starting to become the Democrats version of George W. Bush. So yeah.....the political atmosphere is no fun whatsoever and until I find something that I can make a joke out of because it is so stupid, there wont be any political jokes.
I feel this is a good enough question that I can answer because there are two reasons for this.
1) It honestly has not come off the top of my head and I don't feel like forcing a joke that I myself don't even find funny.
2) Most of the political mess going on depresses me.
Let me explain further on that second point. Despite my past jokes on Bush and no joke yet on Obama, I am actually a Republican. And right now, both sides are run by a bunch of nutjobs who don't know what the fuck they are doing. Right now, our country is being run by politicians instead of leaders.
For now, Obama has done a completely unsatisfactory job as president of the United States. The biggest problem for me is though that the other side is just as bad. It depresses me that despite the change that this country had promised, President Obama has basically done everything that President Bush did, besides the health care bill.
* A Crisis that the president says he will take care of, but has yet to really do anything about besides point the fingers at others - check
* The president doing everything from rendition to keeping prisoners in Guotonimo Bay without habeas corpues - check
* Dealing with issues in sports rather than dealing with the economy and Gulf issues - check
* Being the most divisive president of all time - check
* Being the lesser of two evils right now - check
Like it or not people, I am starting to think that President Obama is starting to become the Democrats version of George W. Bush. So yeah.....the political atmosphere is no fun whatsoever and until I find something that I can make a joke out of because it is so stupid, there wont be any political jokes.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Monster Crap Inductee: New Moon (2009)
Monster Crap Induction: New Moon
2009 GINO Award Co-Winner
Well, it is time for me to do this induction. I’ve been holding off this induction for several months until the DVD came out and now since it has been out for a month now, I have to induct the other half of the 2009 GINO Award Co-Winners. Now in January I inducted ThanksKilling and I really enjoy that movie, but somehow…..I have a feeling I won’t be enjoying this movie. But before we begin, I have a few things to say.
First of all, I saw the first Twilight film and I will say it, Twilight is not that bad. I’m sorry if you were expecting me to rip on the first film, but I can’t. Besides it screwing with the mythos of vampires and having some uninspired acting, it isn’t the worst movie I have ever seen. Oh, it is not a great movie and not a movie that is worth watching a second time. Whoever wrote the script to this movie did a good job in an attempt to do the best he could. The direction was well done and a lot of the action scenes (and I know there are very few of them) were really well done. I had a great time with the fight between our good vampire Edward and our bad vampire James. The actor who played Laurent was really likable. Sure he was for the most parts a bad guy, but he is sort of sensible about being a villain and doesn’t want unneeded bloodshed so he warned the good vampires about James’ mission to kill Bella. Let’s also not forget that the atmosphere is really well done.
Now of course, this movie that is being inducted is based off of the popular series of books by Stephanie Meyers and it is based off the next book in the series appropriately named New Moon. All of the characters who survived the first film are in this movie as well. However, I received word from several Twilight fans that this movie is terrible and not only that, it is based off of the weakest book of the series. Now normally I wouldn’t have even nominated this film for induction because I know that the Twilight series is just not my cup of tea. However after hearing so much from these people who actually liked the first one how terrible this sequel is, I had to nominate this film for the GINO Award and what do you know, it co-won this poll.
So since those Twilight fans know the history behind this movie and since those who are not fans don’t care to know the history, let’s just get straight into the induction.
We start with…..
Hey if I have to deal with watching this movie, you will have to deal with my humor as it will keep me sane throughout this induction. Bella starts saying crap that really has no point other than to confuse the living hell out of me. Oh and if you have an explanation for what she is saying as some poem with meaning, please don’t tell me because I honestly don’t care. We start with Bella running through a scene of red hooded people and then she ends up in a meadow.
She goes through the meadow and meets an old lady.
She goes up to the old lady, thinking that it is her grandmother and guess who also appears.
Why it is Edward, who is walking into the light and having his skin sparkle. Bella tries to warn him against this because she doesn’t want her grandmother to know her granddaughter is screwing the skinny equivalent of Steve Borden otherwise known to wrestling fans as Sting.
Also, that last part might have been me just thinking out loud. But the big reveal is the old woman at the opposite end isn’t her grandmother. It is her reflection and Bella is old.
But no, it was all just a dream as Bella is still young and apparently was reading Romeo & Juliet for class. There is a knock on the door and it is her father….
The first gift he gives her is from him and it is a camera. The second gift is from her mother and it is a scrap book so she can have all her pictures of senior year. His father asks how she got so old so quickly and you can tell Bella has a huge age issue, but her father doesn’t help by teasing her into thinking she has a grey hair (which she doesn’t). We have no likable characters already and trust me, this will continue.
We then get over the radio that a third hiker has gone missing which makes three hikers dead in what authorities believe is a killer animal. Once again, I wish I was making this crap up but instead of a serial killer or at this point kidnapper, we have a killer animal. Bella heads off to school and meets her friends (who really will have no main point in this movie so they will be instead be referred to by my pet names for them).
Pretty Blonde reminds her that the essay for Romeo & Juliet is due while Jock No-Brain attempts to act Shakespearean and royally fails. Bella asks to take a picture of them and they happily oblige. The Cullens arrive and immediately we see Edward come up to Bella.
Okay, I won’t then. We get some more signals that Bella doesn’t like the fact that she is aging and he isn’t. They prepare to go to class, but Edward gets the suspicion that someone wants to talk to Bella and who is behind them, you ask?
Bella and Jacob talk while Edward heads to class to allow them to talk in private. Bella notices that Jacob has gotten a little muscle since the last movie and makes a joke about him taking steroids. Jacob just says he is filling out and says that it wouldn’t be a shock to her if they hung out more. We get some more filler talk (we will get a lot more of that) before Jacob leaves, but not before he gives her his gift of a dream catcher.
Edward then wonders how come Jacob gets to give her a gift and he doesn’t. Bella’s response is she has nothing to give back to Edward. Edward then says she gives him everything just by her breathing. Edward’s sister Alice comes up and wishes Bella “Happy Birthday” which Bella keeps silence, probably to avoid the dreaded school practice of giving “Birthday Punches”.
Alice gives her a present and says she knows that Bella will love it & wear it to the birthday party at the family’s house. We also meet Alice’s mate named Jasper, who lives with the Cullens.
We then watch a production of Romeo & Juliet in class. Several people are reacting very emotionally while Bella and Edward talk about how stupid this ending is. You know, you may not want to ridicule the ridiculous parts of masterpieces in your piece of crap. The teacher catches these two talking and asks Edward if he can say the next line in this movie. He surprisingly completes the phrase correctly and then the teacher (being stupefied) asks them to pay attention. I have always had an issue with teachers doing that. You most likely will make the student look stupid, but if the student knows the line……you will look incredibly stupid when you could just look at the two and say “Pay Attention”.
Also Edward mentions provoking Volturi if he should ever not be able to save Bella. By provoking the Volturi, he would die so he could be with her in the afterlife. When asked about the Volturi, Edward reveals that the Volturi are like the Vampire Vatican (my words, not his). They are the higher ups who will punish those who break their rules. We then see a scene of a member of the Volturi ripping the head off of another vampire. You know, I could explain the complete dumps this franchise takes on the mythos of vampires….but that would take too long.
We get some more romantic nonsense before Bella reveals that James’ (the villain from the first movie they killed) mate will come after Edward. Edward reveals that they will be ready when the time comes, but what Bella really wants is to become a vampire. It is time for the birthday party and while opening one of the presents, Bella gets a paper cut. Remember when I said Jasper would play a small part in this movie’s plot, well here it goes.
Jasper goes into a blood rage and tries to attack Bella. Edward protects Bella by PUSHING HER INTO THE WALL.
Alice is able to get Jasper to calm down while I think I am hearing really bad 8-bit music. Edward’s father tells his son to talk to Jasper, who might be very upset with himself and won’t talk be consoled by anyone except Edward, while he stitches up the wounds caused by our heroic vampire “trying to protect her”. We then get more dialogue between Bella and Edward’s father who definitely is my second favorite character in the series because with so little, you learn a lot about him.
Edward drives Bella back to her home and once again Bella tries to get Edward to change her. Edward once again refuses and leaves by walking home at night. You know, I am glad he is a vampire so he won’t have to worry about a serial killer killing his ass.
The next day, we notice that none of the vampire kids are at school today. Bella comes home and sees Edward in her yard. Edward asks Bella to take a walk with him and she does. In the woods, Edward reveals that the vampires are moving because people are starting to notice one of the vampires not aging. Bella wants to come with them, but Edward absolutely refuses. Bella tries to say that what happened with Jasper was nothing and while Edward agrees, but Edward realizes that by being around her….he has put her in danger. He then proceeds to give one of the worst break-up lines of all time.
Bella is crushed by this and tries to convince Edward that she belongs with him. Edward tells Bella that if she can promise him one thing, it is not to do anything reckless. Edward leaves and Bella tries to follow him, but ends up getting lost in the woods. Alone and knowing that Edward has broken up with her, she cradles up in the fetal position while sleeping. You know, with someone killing people out there…..this may not be the best move for her.
But of course she lucks out and is carried back to her house by some guy wearing no shirt. She has apparently been missing because her father and the town were looking for her when the shirtless guy finds her. And no, this is not Jacob; it is just one of Jacob’s Native American buddies. Of course despite the fact that he is carrying Bella in his arms with no shirt on, Bella’s father does not question even once what he was doing with no shirt on.
For the next three months, Bella stays in her room looking out her window and obviously wanting Edward to come back. And of course, I am just doing cliff notes because they 360 degree camera shot of Bella and outside three times. We also see that Bella starts crying in her sleep and her father sadly wakes up to these night screams. You know, it is at this point that I would have sent my kid to a mental institution because clearly, she has gone insane. She sits away from everyone else and sits at the empty table where the vampire kids used to sit.
Bella’s father finally deciding to not be stupid decides that he plans to send Bella back to live with her mother in Jacksonville. Bella refuses and her father just lets her stay. Bella then reveals that she is going shopping with Pretty Blonde. When her father says that she hates shopping, Bella says she just needs a “Girls Nite Out”.
But instead of shopping, they go to watch a zombie movie. Pretty Blonde doesn’t understand how Bella could want to see a movie about zombies eating people and no cute guys kissing cute girls. Once again, your movie ripping on a zombie movie for having the same old basic plot is kind of the pot calling the kettle black. We then hear some motorcycle guy asking if the girls want a ride, and Bella remembers that this is the same spot where guys were hassling her before Edward came in for the save (from the first movie). She for some stupid reason decides to take this guy up on his offer. She also sees a spirit apparition of Edward who keeps trying to keep her out of danger.
Bella decides after seeing this apparition a fourth time to get off the bike. She walks back to the sidewalk and of course, Pretty Blonde yells at her about taking rides with a stranger. Pretty Blonde says he could have been a psycho and she (PB) could have ended up in a FBI interview like some lame TV show. Okay, now you are going into some stupid ass propaganda shit. Bella then realizes that she might be an adrenaline junkie.
The next day, Bella heads to Jacob’s house and has him help her build a motorcycle. While helping her build a bike, we find out that Bella doesn’t like to listen to music anymore. When Jacob’s friends arrive, they immediately think that she is Jacob’s girlfriend. Of course they are just friends and Jacob explains that since she is a girl and his friend……she kind of is his girl friend. They then decide for some unknown reason to play fight. We then get a montage of Bella and Jacob building the bikes. But once again, we stop with another one of Bella’s night terrors.
We then see that Jacob might be falling in love with Bella. They then see Sam (the guy who saved Bella from the woods) and some other guys cliff diving. Jacob mentions that they are like a cult of people who have tattoos and short hair. They also like to do dangerous stuff. Apparently Sam has been trying to get Jacob to join and one of Jacob’s friends has actually become one of Sam’s friends.
Back at Jacob’s place….the two get the bikes done and Bella starts to try it out. Of course she falls the first time, but enjoyed the rush. We see more of Edward’s spiritual apparition trying to stop her from doing this, but she doesn’t listen. Jacob puts a stop to it after seeing that Bella is bleeding in the head and Jacob takes off his shirt to deal with the wound.
Bella stares at Jacob and mentions how beautiful he is. You know, it is at this point that we believe that Bella is going to be in a relationship with Jacob, but trust me….this is only a red herring. Meanwhile, Bella decides to once again sit with her friends and one of them (Jock No-Brain tries to get Bella to come with him to see a movie. Jock No-Brain suggests a romantic movie, but Bella wants to see the new action film called Face Punch.
At the movies, we find out that Pretty Blonde bailed and one of the two Asian duo is sick so the other one is taking care of her. Now that we have the people who did not show up, let’s get to the people who do show up in Bella, Jock No-Brain, and Jacob. While watching the movie, which is your stereotypical action movie…Jock No-Brain can’t stand all of the violence and goes into bathroom to puke. The other two think the movie sucks and once again, we get more propaganda of……you know what, Fuck This. I’m stopping because I don’t appreciate being talked down to by this movie that is no more intelligent than the movies it is making fun of.
*One Day Later*
Okay, I have calmed down so let’s finish this induction, despite the fact that I don’t appreciate being told that I am stupid for liking what I like. But this induction is for the fans and the fans expect me to finish the damn movie so I am going to take it like a man and finish this movie so I will never have to deal with it again.
Anyway, Jacob has a mood swing moment when he starts wanting to kick the crap out of Jock No-Brain for being a wuss. Bella then notices that Jacob is burning with a fever and they decide to take him home. For the next four days, Bella tries to call Jacob several times….but gets no response. While her dad decides to go with a friend on a fishing trip, Bella is left home alone.
One of her father’s friends has the good dialogue.
Bella then tries to go to Jacob’s house and ends up finding him.
Oh yeah and despite what Jacob said earlier about never leaving Bella, he leaves her. Jacob has officially become a jackass.
Bella ends up at a meadow and remembers her time with Edward when she gets a visitor.
However, Laurent is here to kill Bella. Why, you ask? Because Victoria only finds it fair that since James is dead, Edward’s mate should be killed as well. However Laurent also reveals that if Victoria were to kill Bella, she would make it slow and very painful. Laurent would rather just make it quick and painless. And Bella actually buys this and is ready to be killed by Laurent. Look while Laurent may be a bad guy, he is actually in a way doing her a favor by killing her himself instead of having Victoria do it. Well, good-bye Bella…..
The wolves chase Laurent off as we move on. Bella goes back to the house to reveal she saw the giant animals that have been sighted, but they were definitely wolves, not bears. Her father instantly buys Bella’s story and has his friends join him on some wolf hunting.
At night, Bella hears a knock at her window and it is Jacob who is able to jump up to her wall climb up walls and trees like Ryu Hayabusa.
Jacob apologizes for his earlier jackassery and she accepts it. But of course he goes back to being a jackass and once again apologizes. Jacob tends to do that throughout this movie. Bella even offers Jacob to run away with her, but Jacob can’t. He hugs Bella before he leaves.
The next day, Bella confronts Sam and his friends and even slaps one of the friends. This pisses the friend off and he changes into a wolf.
It looks like Bella is in trouble, but Jacob shows up…
The two wolves get into a fight as the others try to calm them down. They take Bella back to the place that belongs to Emily, Sam’s girlfriend. The only part in this movie that Emily really plays is to show what happens when you are dating a werewolf and they get pissed off.
He then reveals that Victoria will be next. Bella can’t believe that Victoria is around, but the wolves chases Victoria over to the Canadian border. So wait…..werewolves have border laws too?? I thought being a monster gets you exempt from crossing the border to kill someone. What is wrong with this damn movie??
They don’t know what Victoria is after, but Bella reveals that she is after her. Jacob takes Bella home and leaves by walking away in the dark. I must say, this must be the safest city in the world if you can walk out at night without a problem despite there being vampires and werewolves.
The next day, Bella’s father and his friends are out hunting for those wolves when the friend of her father is attacked by Victoria. Victoria goes to kill him, but she is stopped by the werewolves and they chase her off.
Meanwhile, Bella decides to do something incredibly stupid by cliff diving into the sea. Bella thinks she is okay until she gets attacked by those damn waves.
She decides to go underwater, but notices a familiar face.
Bella backs up and doesn’t see the rock wall behind her and bumps her head, knocking her out. We then gets a really bad few minutes where it seems like Bella is meeting Edward in the afterlife, but she is saved by Jacob. Jacob then reveals that Bella’s dad’s friend has a heart attack and died. We then see that Victoria was in the water….
Back at the house, we see that Alice has returned because she had a vision of Bella jumping into the sea off a cliff. She came by to check if Bella was okay. We get some verbal fighting between Alice and Jacob and Bella has to stop the two. The phone rings and Jacob answers. It is someone asking for Bella’s father and Jacob says that the father is preparing a funeral right now.
Alice comes in and reveals that she saw a vision of Edward going to have himself killed by the Voturi because he thinks Bella is dead. One of the vampires told Edward about Alice’s reason for coming back and instead of you know, calling his sister….he calls the house. Bella realizes that was who Jacob was talking to and yells at him. Jacob reveals he did not ask for her and he just said what her father was doing. So yes, for those of you paying attention to Romeo & Juliet and Edward & Bella ripping on the ending, this movie is basically doing the same shit. Nice to know this movie is so hypocritical.
Bella goes with Alice to save Edward, despite Jacob trying to keep her from doing so. When Jacob asks about Bella’s dad, Bella reveals that she is 18 and she is allowed to leave if she leaves a note. She flies with Alice to Italy and they try to find Edward.
Edward attempts to ask for his death, but the Volturi thinks he has mad skills so they don’t kill him.
The Volturi asks Edward to join them, but he refuses and plans on provoking them by breaking one of the rules that they have to enforce which is making a spectacle. Alice sees this in a vision and tells Bella that he plans on showing his sparkly ass to the general public which is not allowed. While driving towards where they believe Edward will be, they see a bunch of red robed people. When Bella asks why everyone is wearing red robes, Alice says they are commemorating the expulsion of vampires. She says it is the perfect setting for the Volturi to live as they are living under the general public’s noses.
Now why was Bella running through the red robed people in her dream, they never explain so I am just convinced that they ran out of money for this crap and they used an earlier scene for no reason other than to have her running through something before she enters the meadow. Don’t believe me, here is my proof.
Bella runs through the red robed people and sees Edward, who is planning on exposing himself.
But Bella pushes Edward back into the dark before kissing him so no one notices. Two guards of the Volturi interrupt the two’s love making to say that the Volturi wants to speak with Edward again and with Bella. Edward refuses to take Bella to the Volturi and Alice tries to calm things down by saying you don’t want to make a scene. That is when another guard comes in and they all listen to her.
2009 GINO Award Co-Winner
2009
First of all, I saw the first Twilight film and I will say it, Twilight is not that bad. I’m sorry if you were expecting me to rip on the first film, but I can’t. Besides it screwing with the mythos of vampires and having some uninspired acting, it isn’t the worst movie I have ever seen. Oh, it is not a great movie and not a movie that is worth watching a second time. Whoever wrote the script to this movie did a good job in an attempt to do the best he could. The direction was well done and a lot of the action scenes (and I know there are very few of them) were really well done. I had a great time with the fight between our good vampire Edward and our bad vampire James. The actor who played Laurent was really likable. Sure he was for the most parts a bad guy, but he is sort of sensible about being a villain and doesn’t want unneeded bloodshed so he warned the good vampires about James’ mission to kill Bella. Let’s also not forget that the atmosphere is really well done.
Now of course, this movie that is being inducted is based off of the popular series of books by Stephanie Meyers and it is based off the next book in the series appropriately named New Moon. All of the characters who survived the first film are in this movie as well. However, I received word from several Twilight fans that this movie is terrible and not only that, it is based off of the weakest book of the series. Now normally I wouldn’t have even nominated this film for induction because I know that the Twilight series is just not my cup of tea. However after hearing so much from these people who actually liked the first one how terrible this sequel is, I had to nominate this film for the GINO Award and what do you know, it co-won this poll.
So since those Twilight fans know the history behind this movie and since those who are not fans don’t care to know the history, let’s just get straight into the induction.
We start with…..
Oh God…..The Title Is Destroying The Moon
Damn It….That Moon Had A Family
Hey if I have to deal with watching this movie, you will have to deal with my humor as it will keep me sane throughout this induction. Bella starts saying crap that really has no point other than to confuse the living hell out of me. Oh and if you have an explanation for what she is saying as some poem with meaning, please don’t tell me because I honestly don’t care. We start with Bella running through a scene of red hooded people and then she ends up in a meadow.
You May Think I Am Lying, But I Assure You I Am Not.
She goes through the meadow and meets an old lady.
Why it is Edward, who is walking into the light and having his skin sparkle. Bella tries to warn him against this because she doesn’t want her grandmother to know her granddaughter is screwing the skinny equivalent of Steve Borden otherwise known to wrestling fans as Sting.
I Shit You Not, The First Time I Saw Edward…..I Thought “What The Hell Is Sting Doing Here & How The Hell Did He Lose All That Weight”.
Also, that last part might have been me just thinking out loud. But the big reveal is the old woman at the opposite end isn’t her grandmother. It is her reflection and Bella is old.
Get It…..Bella Is Old Because She Is Human and Edward Is Still Young Because He Is A Vampire.
But no, it was all just a dream as Bella is still young and apparently was reading Romeo & Juliet for class. There is a knock on the door and it is her father….
Who Comes Bearing Gifts & Says “Happy Birthday” With Such Enthusiasm That You Know He Thinks This Script Is Crap And Is Just Collecting A Paycheck.
The first gift he gives her is from him and it is a camera. The second gift is from her mother and it is a scrap book so she can have all her pictures of senior year. His father asks how she got so old so quickly and you can tell Bella has a huge age issue, but her father doesn’t help by teasing her into thinking she has a grey hair (which she doesn’t). We have no likable characters already and trust me, this will continue.
We then get over the radio that a third hiker has gone missing which makes three hikers dead in what authorities believe is a killer animal. Once again, I wish I was making this crap up but instead of a serial killer or at this point kidnapper, we have a killer animal. Bella heads off to school and meets her friends (who really will have no main point in this movie so they will be instead be referred to by my pet names for them).
Pretty Blonde reminds her that the essay for Romeo & Juliet is due while Jock No-Brain attempts to act Shakespearean and royally fails. Bella asks to take a picture of them and they happily oblige. The Cullens arrive and immediately we see Edward come up to Bella.
With His Jacket Flying With The Wind To Prove That He Is Not Normal. Symb…..
Don’t You Even Dare, That Is My Slogan
Okay, I won’t then. We get some more signals that Bella doesn’t like the fact that she is aging and he isn’t. They prepare to go to class, but Edward gets the suspicion that someone wants to talk to Bella and who is behind them, you ask?
Why It’s Jacob
Bella and Jacob talk while Edward heads to class to allow them to talk in private. Bella notices that Jacob has gotten a little muscle since the last movie and makes a joke about him taking steroids. Jacob just says he is filling out and says that it wouldn’t be a shock to her if they hung out more. We get some more filler talk (we will get a lot more of that) before Jacob leaves, but not before he gives her his gift of a dream catcher.
You Know, I Can Already Think Of A Superior Movie Than This Piece Of Crap I Am Watching And It Is Not By Much.
Edward then wonders how come Jacob gets to give her a gift and he doesn’t. Bella’s response is she has nothing to give back to Edward. Edward then says she gives him everything just by her breathing. Edward’s sister Alice comes up and wishes Bella “Happy Birthday” which Bella keeps silence, probably to avoid the dreaded school practice of giving “Birthday Punches”.
Alice gives her a present and says she knows that Bella will love it & wear it to the birthday party at the family’s house. We also meet Alice’s mate named Jasper, who lives with the Cullens.
He’ll Play A Small Part In This Movie Later
We then watch a production of Romeo & Juliet in class. Several people are reacting very emotionally while Bella and Edward talk about how stupid this ending is. You know, you may not want to ridicule the ridiculous parts of masterpieces in your piece of crap. The teacher catches these two talking and asks Edward if he can say the next line in this movie. He surprisingly completes the phrase correctly and then the teacher (being stupefied) asks them to pay attention. I have always had an issue with teachers doing that. You most likely will make the student look stupid, but if the student knows the line……you will look incredibly stupid when you could just look at the two and say “Pay Attention”.
Also Edward mentions provoking Volturi if he should ever not be able to save Bella. By provoking the Volturi, he would die so he could be with her in the afterlife. When asked about the Volturi, Edward reveals that the Volturi are like the Vampire Vatican (my words, not his). They are the higher ups who will punish those who break their rules. We then see a scene of a member of the Volturi ripping the head off of another vampire. You know, I could explain the complete dumps this franchise takes on the mythos of vampires….but that would take too long.
I Should Also Mention That This Scene Is Done With Some Of The Worst Practical Effects Of All Time. Hell, Even The CGI Crap I See Is Better Than This.
We get some more romantic nonsense before Bella reveals that James’ (the villain from the first movie they killed) mate will come after Edward. Edward reveals that they will be ready when the time comes, but what Bella really wants is to become a vampire. It is time for the birthday party and while opening one of the presents, Bella gets a paper cut. Remember when I said Jasper would play a small part in this movie’s plot, well here it goes.
Jasper goes into a blood rage and tries to attack Bella. Edward protects Bella by PUSHING HER INTO THE WALL.
Someone Call A Group For Abused Girlfriends, Please
Alice is able to get Jasper to calm down while I think I am hearing really bad 8-bit music. Edward’s father tells his son to talk to Jasper, who might be very upset with himself and won’t talk be consoled by anyone except Edward, while he stitches up the wounds caused by our heroic vampire “trying to protect her”. We then get more dialogue between Bella and Edward’s father who definitely is my second favorite character in the series because with so little, you learn a lot about him.
Edward drives Bella back to her home and once again Bella tries to get Edward to change her. Edward once again refuses and leaves by walking home at night. You know, I am glad he is a vampire so he won’t have to worry about a serial killer killing his ass.
The next day, we notice that none of the vampire kids are at school today. Bella comes home and sees Edward in her yard. Edward asks Bella to take a walk with him and she does. In the woods, Edward reveals that the vampires are moving because people are starting to notice one of the vampires not aging. Bella wants to come with them, but Edward absolutely refuses. Bella tries to say that what happened with Jasper was nothing and while Edward agrees, but Edward realizes that by being around her….he has put her in danger. He then proceeds to give one of the worst break-up lines of all time.
You just don’t belong in my world, Bella
- Edward
Bella is crushed by this and tries to convince Edward that she belongs with him. Edward tells Bella that if she can promise him one thing, it is not to do anything reckless. Edward leaves and Bella tries to follow him, but ends up getting lost in the woods. Alone and knowing that Edward has broken up with her, she cradles up in the fetal position while sleeping. You know, with someone killing people out there…..this may not be the best move for her.
But of course she lucks out and is carried back to her house by some guy wearing no shirt. She has apparently been missing because her father and the town were looking for her when the shirtless guy finds her. And no, this is not Jacob; it is just one of Jacob’s Native American buddies. Of course despite the fact that he is carrying Bella in his arms with no shirt on, Bella’s father does not question even once what he was doing with no shirt on.
For the next three months, Bella stays in her room looking out her window and obviously wanting Edward to come back. And of course, I am just doing cliff notes because they 360 degree camera shot of Bella and outside three times. We also see that Bella starts crying in her sleep and her father sadly wakes up to these night screams. You know, it is at this point that I would have sent my kid to a mental institution because clearly, she has gone insane. She sits away from everyone else and sits at the empty table where the vampire kids used to sit.
Bella’s father finally deciding to not be stupid decides that he plans to send Bella back to live with her mother in Jacksonville. Bella refuses and her father just lets her stay. Bella then reveals that she is going shopping with Pretty Blonde. When her father says that she hates shopping, Bella says she just needs a “Girls Nite Out”.
Hey, Just As Long As It Doesn’t Involve A Serial Killer Dressed As A Bear, We Are Okay
But instead of shopping, they go to watch a zombie movie. Pretty Blonde doesn’t understand how Bella could want to see a movie about zombies eating people and no cute guys kissing cute girls. Once again, your movie ripping on a zombie movie for having the same old basic plot is kind of the pot calling the kettle black. We then hear some motorcycle guy asking if the girls want a ride, and Bella remembers that this is the same spot where guys were hassling her before Edward came in for the save (from the first movie). She for some stupid reason decides to take this guy up on his offer. She also sees a spirit apparition of Edward who keeps trying to keep her out of danger.
And Yes, This Will Also Be Burned Into Your Skull At This Point
Bella decides after seeing this apparition a fourth time to get off the bike. She walks back to the sidewalk and of course, Pretty Blonde yells at her about taking rides with a stranger. Pretty Blonde says he could have been a psycho and she (PB) could have ended up in a FBI interview like some lame TV show. Okay, now you are going into some stupid ass propaganda shit. Bella then realizes that she might be an adrenaline junkie.
The next day, Bella heads to Jacob’s house and has him help her build a motorcycle. While helping her build a bike, we find out that Bella doesn’t like to listen to music anymore. When Jacob’s friends arrive, they immediately think that she is Jacob’s girlfriend. Of course they are just friends and Jacob explains that since she is a girl and his friend……she kind of is his girl friend. They then decide for some unknown reason to play fight. We then get a montage of Bella and Jacob building the bikes. But once again, we stop with another one of Bella’s night terrors.
We then see that Jacob might be falling in love with Bella. They then see Sam (the guy who saved Bella from the woods) and some other guys cliff diving. Jacob mentions that they are like a cult of people who have tattoos and short hair. They also like to do dangerous stuff. Apparently Sam has been trying to get Jacob to join and one of Jacob’s friends has actually become one of Sam’s friends.
Back at Jacob’s place….the two get the bikes done and Bella starts to try it out. Of course she falls the first time, but enjoyed the rush. We see more of Edward’s spiritual apparition trying to stop her from doing this, but she doesn’t listen. Jacob puts a stop to it after seeing that Bella is bleeding in the head and Jacob takes off his shirt to deal with the wound.
And Now We See What All The Ladies Have Come For
Bella stares at Jacob and mentions how beautiful he is. You know, it is at this point that we believe that Bella is going to be in a relationship with Jacob, but trust me….this is only a red herring. Meanwhile, Bella decides to once again sit with her friends and one of them (Jock No-Brain tries to get Bella to come with him to see a movie. Jock No-Brain suggests a romantic movie, but Bella wants to see the new action film called Face Punch.
At the movies, we find out that Pretty Blonde bailed and one of the two Asian duo is sick so the other one is taking care of her. Now that we have the people who did not show up, let’s get to the people who do show up in Bella, Jock No-Brain, and Jacob. While watching the movie, which is your stereotypical action movie…Jock No-Brain can’t stand all of the violence and goes into bathroom to puke. The other two think the movie sucks and once again, we get more propaganda of……you know what, Fuck This. I’m stopping because I don’t appreciate being talked down to by this movie that is no more intelligent than the movies it is making fun of.
*One Day Later*
Okay, I have calmed down so let’s finish this induction, despite the fact that I don’t appreciate being told that I am stupid for liking what I like. But this induction is for the fans and the fans expect me to finish the damn movie so I am going to take it like a man and finish this movie so I will never have to deal with it again.
Anyway, Jacob has a mood swing moment when he starts wanting to kick the crap out of Jock No-Brain for being a wuss. Bella then notices that Jacob is burning with a fever and they decide to take him home. For the next four days, Bella tries to call Jacob several times….but gets no response. While her dad decides to go with a friend on a fishing trip, Bella is left home alone.
No, I Wish I Were Watching That Movie Right Now
One of her father’s friends has the good dialogue.
Those bears won’t get the drop on me, Bella. My Kung Fu is strong.
- Dad’s Friend
Yeah, But What Would You Do Against Bears That Know Kung Fu
Bella then tries to go to Jacob’s house and ends up finding him.
But Jacob Has Become One Of Sam’s Friends.
Oh yeah and despite what Jacob said earlier about never leaving Bella, he leaves her. Jacob has officially become a jackass.
Bella ends up at a meadow and remembers her time with Edward when she gets a visitor.
Oh Thank God, It’s Laurent.
However, Laurent is here to kill Bella. Why, you ask? Because Victoria only finds it fair that since James is dead, Edward’s mate should be killed as well. However Laurent also reveals that if Victoria were to kill Bella, she would make it slow and very painful. Laurent would rather just make it quick and painless. And Bella actually buys this and is ready to be killed by Laurent. Look while Laurent may be a bad guy, he is actually in a way doing her a favor by killing her himself instead of having Victoria do it. Well, good-bye Bella…..
But She Is Saved By A Giant Wolf
And The Giant Wolf Has Friends.
The wolves chase Laurent off as we move on. Bella goes back to the house to reveal she saw the giant animals that have been sighted, but they were definitely wolves, not bears. Her father instantly buys Bella’s story and has his friends join him on some wolf hunting.
At night, Bella hears a knock at her window and it is Jacob who is able to jump up to her wall climb up walls and trees like Ryu Hayabusa.
Why Yes, I Have Played Ninja Gaiden
Jacob apologizes for his earlier jackassery and she accepts it. But of course he goes back to being a jackass and once again apologizes. Jacob tends to do that throughout this movie. Bella even offers Jacob to run away with her, but Jacob can’t. He hugs Bella before he leaves.
The next day, Bella confronts Sam and his friends and even slaps one of the friends. This pisses the friend off and he changes into a wolf.
With Effects That Might As Well Have Been From Animorphs
It looks like Bella is in trouble, but Jacob shows up…
And Also Turns Into A Wolf
The two wolves get into a fight as the others try to calm them down. They take Bella back to the place that belongs to Emily, Sam’s girlfriend. The only part in this movie that Emily really plays is to show what happens when you are dating a werewolf and they get pissed off.
Yeah, Your Face Gets Jacked Up
While taking a walk, Bella asks about the murders and Jacob reveals that they only kill vampires. He reveals that the hikers are being killed by vampires. When Bella thinks the vampires will kill you if you kill them, Jacob reveals that they killed Laurent.
No……Not My Favorite Character
He then reveals that Victoria will be next. Bella can’t believe that Victoria is around, but the wolves chases Victoria over to the Canadian border. So wait…..werewolves have border laws too?? I thought being a monster gets you exempt from crossing the border to kill someone. What is wrong with this damn movie??
They don’t know what Victoria is after, but Bella reveals that she is after her. Jacob takes Bella home and leaves by walking away in the dark. I must say, this must be the safest city in the world if you can walk out at night without a problem despite there being vampires and werewolves.
The next day, Bella’s father and his friends are out hunting for those wolves when the friend of her father is attacked by Victoria. Victoria goes to kill him, but she is stopped by the werewolves and they chase her off.
I should mention that the person who does the wiring for actors and actresses to do stunts doesn’t know the laws of physics.
Fuck Physics, I’m A Vampire
Meanwhile, Bella decides to do something incredibly stupid by cliff diving into the sea. Bella thinks she is okay until she gets attacked by those damn waves.
Like The Waves Know Any Better
She decides to go underwater, but notices a familiar face.
By God…..It’s Got Red Hair
Bella backs up and doesn’t see the rock wall behind her and bumps her head, knocking her out. We then gets a really bad few minutes where it seems like Bella is meeting Edward in the afterlife, but she is saved by Jacob. Jacob then reveals that Bella’s dad’s friend has a heart attack and died. We then see that Victoria was in the water….
Curse You, Werewolf Boy
Back at the house, we see that Alice has returned because she had a vision of Bella jumping into the sea off a cliff. She came by to check if Bella was okay. We get some verbal fighting between Alice and Jacob and Bella has to stop the two. The phone rings and Jacob answers. It is someone asking for Bella’s father and Jacob says that the father is preparing a funeral right now.
We See That At The Other End Of The Line Was Edward, Who Crushes The Phone
Alice comes in and reveals that she saw a vision of Edward going to have himself killed by the Voturi because he thinks Bella is dead. One of the vampires told Edward about Alice’s reason for coming back and instead of you know, calling his sister….he calls the house. Bella realizes that was who Jacob was talking to and yells at him. Jacob reveals he did not ask for her and he just said what her father was doing. So yes, for those of you paying attention to Romeo & Juliet and Edward & Bella ripping on the ending, this movie is basically doing the same shit. Nice to know this movie is so hypocritical.
Bella goes with Alice to save Edward, despite Jacob trying to keep her from doing so. When Jacob asks about Bella’s dad, Bella reveals that she is 18 and she is allowed to leave if she leaves a note. She flies with Alice to Italy and they try to find Edward.
Edward attempts to ask for his death, but the Volturi thinks he has mad skills so they don’t kill him.
The Volturi asks Edward to join them, but he refuses and plans on provoking them by breaking one of the rules that they have to enforce which is making a spectacle. Alice sees this in a vision and tells Bella that he plans on showing his sparkly ass to the general public which is not allowed. While driving towards where they believe Edward will be, they see a bunch of red robed people. When Bella asks why everyone is wearing red robes, Alice says they are commemorating the expulsion of vampires. She says it is the perfect setting for the Volturi to live as they are living under the general public’s noses.
Now why was Bella running through the red robed people in her dream, they never explain so I am just convinced that they ran out of money for this crap and they used an earlier scene for no reason other than to have her running through something before she enters the meadow. Don’t believe me, here is my proof.
They Show The Same Scene Again
Bella runs through the red robed people and sees Edward, who is planning on exposing himself.
Time To Expose Myself
But Bella pushes Edward back into the dark before kissing him so no one notices. Two guards of the Volturi interrupt the two’s love making to say that the Volturi wants to speak with Edward again and with Bella. Edward refuses to take Bella to the Volturi and Alice tries to calm things down by saying you don’t want to make a scene. That is when another guard comes in and they all listen to her.
Why It’s Dakota Fanning as Jane and……..Okay, It Feels Like She Is Staring Into My Soul\
She has them all follow her as we see that they have a human receptionist who they plan on killing for dessert and they come to the Volturi.
And Aro is our most prominent of the three and trust me; this dude might as well be gay because he sure sounds it. He is happy to see that Bella is alive and says they have heard so much about her from Edward. He can read thoughts just by touching people and what does he think about this whole thing about Edward not being able to read Bella’s thoughts (it’s from the first movie once again)?
Fffffffffffffasinating!!!!
You know, every time I look at this guy…..I wonder what Kate Beckinsale ever saw in him enough to have his daughter. But anyway, Aro sees that he also can’t see what Bella is thinking and that is even more…
Ffffffffffffffasinating!!!!
He then wonders if she is immune to all their powers and Jane comes in. Edward doesn’t want Bella to feel her power and tries to charge, but Jane….
Pain…
Yes, apparently Jane has the telepathy power to make people feel pain and Edward, he doubles over in pain.
Stop Staring Into My Soul…..Damn It
Bella tells them to stop and they agree. Jane then tries it on Bella and it doesn’t work. This of course makes Aro laugh in delight.
Once Again I Must Mention That This Guy Was Married To Kate Beckinsale And She Had His Daughter.
The three members of the Volturi decide that Bella must be changed into a vampire because she knows too much. Edward and Alice try to stop this, but they get taken care of pretty easily. You know if your subordinates can beat Edward, then why was he so important enough that you wouldn’t take his request to kill him. Oh right, because we needed a few minutes to burn before Bella saves his ass.
After some more ass-kicking from the Volturi subordinates, Bella asks them to stop and is willing to sacrifice herself to save him. And what does Aro think of all of this?
Ffffffffffffffasinat…………
Okay stop with this nonsense. We know you are overacting so let’s get on with this. Before Bella can be changed, Alice says that she will do it herself after some time. Aro sees into Alice’s mind and sees that this will become true. The Volturi agree to allow the preparations to be set and the one Volturi to Aro’s right named Marcus, thanks them all for their visit. The Volturi to Aro’s left named Caius, tells them to do well to fulfill their obligations or the Volturi will come after them. While leaving, the crew sees that some of the vampires are leading a group of tourists to the Volturi room. After that, we hear the screams of men, women, and children as the Volturi have their meal.
Bella awakens to her own bed and wonders if it was all a dream. It of course wasn’t as Edward tells her about that he will never leave her again. Bella’s father comes in to tell her that she worried him with her three day trip and as punishment, she is grounded forever. You know pops; you can only ground her for as long as she is in your house. Of course, the dad says this while Edward hides.
Edward comes to say that he doesn’t have to change Bella and the family will keep the Volturi in the dark, but Bella wants to be changed. She goes before the Cullens and they vote on whether Bella will be changed or not. Five vote yes and two vote no so Bella is going to be changed. However, Bella says it should be done after she graduates so she can say good-bye to all her friends.
The next day, Edward and Bella are talking when Jacob shows up. He says that if Edward or any of the Cullens change Bella, they break the treaty and there will be a war. There nearly starts to be a fight between Jacob in wolf mode and Edward, but Bella stops it and tells Jacob this is her decision. Jacob leaves and we end the movie with Edward naming one condition to changing her. That condition is to marry him and we leave with Bella shocked. Thank God this movie is over….
Now before we get to my final thoughts, we will need my usual aftermath of this film. And first off, while the usual film on Monster Crap bombs big time or does piss poor, this actually didn’t. In fact it did very well and is 35th all time in the domestic box office & 37th all time worldwide. Because of that astounding number, most of these actors have gone on to do other things while most of them have committed to doing a third and fourth movie, well besides the ones that died. However, the biggest replacement in the third movie will be the character of Victoria as Rachelle Lefevre was replaced by Bryce Dallas Howard. The ultimate reason for this is unknown, but the big rumor is there may have been strong tensions between Rachelle, Kristen Stewart, and Robert Pattinson. Apparently enough so that Kristen basically said that she would not return if Rachelle was there. Well since Kristen was the bigger star, Rachelle was the one who got the axe. So thus, we still have this big relationship off the screen between the movie’s main stars, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson.
Now for what they are doing outside of the series, after this movie. Kristen Stewart starred in the Runaways movie about the famous all-female rock and roll band as Joan Jett. Dakota Fanning was also in the Runaways movie as Cherie Currie. Peter Facinelli (who played the father of the vampires and the town doctor) is Dr. Fitch Cooper in the hit show Nurse Jackie. Now the biggest name of note is not someone who played an important part in this film. Her name is Anna Kendrick and she played the person who I referred to as Pretty Blonde. During the same year that this turd came out, she had a very big supporting role as Natalie Keener in the George Clooney movie, The Air Up There. That movie in fact got her a nomination for Best Supporting Actor for the 2010 Academy Awards. While she may not have won that award, that is a huge step towards her resume and will be what she is more remembered for than these Twilight Saga films.
Now its final thoughts time. This movie has reached the “worst movies I have ever inducted” list. Now I know this may not have a bullshit endings like three of the movies on that list, however the fact that this movie talks down to me about what I like and does pretty much the same cookie cutter crap that it is criticizing other movies for, makes this the only movie that I have ever had to stop in the middle of an induction. The effects are terrible in this movie to the fact that you can see the dummy plain as fucking day. Oh yeah and the three words I never thought I would need to say…..BLOODLESS HEAD RIPPING!!! Also, the best character in the movie gets killed off halfway through the movie like such a pussy. Basically several things that were passable in the first movie are shit on in this one. The only good thing I can say about this induction is besides those three words, I will forget…..
Okay…..I’ll Stop Talking About This Movie. Just Don’t Stare At Me Anymore.
Moving on to the next induction and first I can say that there is already a second special duo – induction and this time it will be with Sigma Fan of Game Show Garbage. The induction will be…..
With Skip Lackey Being In This, You Knew This Was Going To Happen
It is time to reveal the July induction and it is kind of interesting that New Moon had talked about bears because our next induction will be about a killer bear.
And It Is Awesome!!!!
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