Monster Crap Inductee: 5ive Girls (2006)

Monster Crap Inductee: 5ive Girls
Not Even Ron Perlman Can Make This Interesting
 

2006
 
Folks, we sadly are not as lucky as last time because this time we will not be getting an even close to interesting movie as the last one since we go from the wacky Godfrey Ho world of Robo Vampire to the lame mid-2000s straight to DVD fair of 5ive Girls. No….I did not do a misspelling, that is exactly what this movie is called.
 

We’ve Dealt With Bullshit “L33t Speak” In The Past
 
Although sadly, I can hardly complain as originally Bob (who chose this movie) was originally going to have me do After Last Season, one of the most boring films in existence.
 

The Only Saving Grace Is A DVD Of This Film Of This Film Is Sadly Not Easily Available For A Good Price
 

Although Sadly The Lack Of Physical Media Being Available Can Work Against Me As The Second Film He Wanted Me To Do (And I Also Had To Veto) Was A Film That Would Actually Interest Me To Do In The Insane Film Called The Man Who Saved The World, Although You May Know It As Turkish Star Wars.
 
But back to 5ive Girls as the only thing I can mention about this boring film is the fact that I can finally talk about Ron Perlman.
 

Probably one of the most interesting character actors out there, Ron has a presence that makes him recognizable in almost any film he is in. From his tall stature to his facial features to the fact that he looks like a guy you would not want to meet in a dark alley, Ron has had plenty of starring roles and smaller roles where you cannot turn your eyes off him anytime he is on the screen and it also helps that he has a very menacing voice that makes him very popular also in the voice acting world. I don’t think I need to mention that he is the original Hellboy (not that terrible reboot version), a favorite for Academy Award winning director Guillermo Del Toro, and the voice actor for Slade in Teen Titans, Clayface in the DC Animated Universe, The Lich in Adventure Time, and so many other roles.
 
And that is all so let’s get to the movie itself.
 
We go to a religious school where a young student named Elizabeth is making doodles in her notebook.
 

No, Macho Man…..Not The Elizabeth You Are Looking For
 
Meanwhile, we meet our priest in Father Drake.
 

She explains the doodles are for bible study and references St. Mark’s Chapter 5 Verse 9 which is the whole revelation of “My Name Is Legion For We Are Many”. Elizabeth is apparently a very smart student as not only does she know the bible with Latin, but she also knows a bit of Aramaic (a dead language that is not readily available to learn in schools). Drake wonders why she is attracted to these dark parts of the bible and Elizabeth explains that the dark parts are what make the light parts that much brighter. He agrees and she explains that he was the one who taught her that.
 
Father Drake goes outside the classroom to talk to other students when an unknown force takes the pencil out of Elizabeth’s hand. Then the cross falls so that it is upside down, which is never a good sign.
 

It Also Breaks Which Is Even Worse
 
Drake notices, but the unknown force slams the door which stops Father Drake from getting to Elizabeth. The window blinds are pulled down and we start hearing some roars. Elizabeth grabs her rosary and starts praying. Suddenly, Elizabeth starts getting possessed.
 

She fights the demon off, but when the door is reopened, Elizabeth is gone and only blood remains.
 

Anyway, we get the theme song of this movie where some guy says “Save Our Souls”, some rave music starts playing, and all of that is cut with Father Drake reading parts of either the bible or prayers (sorry, I haven’t been in a religion in decades). We also get our opening credits and title card.
 

Only Thing I Can Think In My Head Is A Music Video Featuring Ron Perlman Reading The Bible While People Are Dancing Around With Glowsticks (A Music Video That Sadly Does Not Exist)
 
We go to five years later….
 

Thanks Movie
 
We then meet our new main character named Alex, who is being forced to go to this school by her father despite her not wanting to go.
 

It’s Pretty Clear That She Has Some Telekinesis And She Got In Trouble.
 
The father leaves and there is a caretaker who says that she is late before allowing her in.
 

The students are locked into the school and we meet the rest of the students (all four of them) and the vicious headmistress Miss Pierce.
 

If You Are Wondering Why They Are Standing On Their Chairs Reading Prayers, It Was Basically Part Of The Wait For Alex.
 

Oh Yeah….And Father Drake Is Here
 
Drake tells her that she is late for two and a half hours and they have been standing on their chairs reading prayers until she got here, which she tries to say that her dad took the wrong exit. She joins the rest in saying the “Hail Mary” prayer. Pierce then explains that the 5 have been brought to this school because they are unwanted by their parents due to them being troublemakers. She tries to be even more cruel in her words, but Father Drake interrupts and says that there are rules in this school. Basically, no communication with the outside world and that the third floor is off limits.
 
Then Pierce forces each of them to give blood as a form of a test to take sure they are clean. Of course, she tries to draw Alex’s blood and she accidentally causes some telekinesis that destroys the other blood samples. So they redo the blood drawing and it is clear that Drake cares about these students a little bit and Pierce does not.
 
Later all the students are forced to strip and have stuff confiscated.
 

They are then put into school uniforms and made to clean the stairs.
 

It is clear that Alex and a woman who had drugs named Mara don’t like each other as they give each other shit early.
 

That One From A Scene Earlier Is Mara
 

This Is Connie (Who Does Some Wiccan Craft) And Cecilia (Who Is A Bit Of An Anarchist And Blind)
 

And That Is Leah, Who Is A Bit Lazy
 
Alex and Mara get mad at each other, Mara grabs Alex by the neck, and water spills because of Alex’s telekinetic powers. We then go to Father Drake who is in his office, looking at books. He has a cross that belonged to Elizabeth that he paints over her name. Pierce shows up and we find out her first name is Anna, but she prefers to be Headmistress Pierce, but since she is so unlikable…..I will call her Anna for most of this induction.
 
She is not happy that Drake is not treating the students with actual care and says they are here for a single purpose so they must be stern. Anna reminds Drake that she was a student once here too and Drake wonders if this is exactly what he signed up for. Anna says she found him at a bar and is giving him a second chance with a new watch of students.
 
We go to a classroom where they are learning bible stuff when Alex starts hearing things. We then see a haunted Elizabeth.
 

With A Jump Scare That Terrible, Fred Sanford Is Going To Suffer The Big One
 
Alex wonders what the hell and Latin starts being written without them. We then see that Leah can go through objects.
 

Alex gets in trouble and is forced to write transcribe some books before the end of the period as punishment. Of course Elizabeth shows up again and Alex follows, wondering what is going on. She gets to the third floor that is locked up and sees Elizabeth there. Leah sees that Alex is gone and tries to distract Drake before Alex gets in more trouble. Alex goes back downstairs and sees that her work is finished.
 

In Aramaic
 
Drake dismisses her although he definitely does not believe she wrote this. In the bedroom, Mara is very good at apparently stealing confiscated stuff back from the staff. Connie gets her book back and Cecilia gets her tarot cards back. Alex explains to the others that something weird is going on and it is in that third floor they are banned from. Of course Alex and Mara come to blows again as Mara doesn’t want to explain what she is able to do with her witchcraft gift. Mara points a knife at Alex and Alex’s telekinetic powers force the knife into a wall. They then go to bed.
 
Elsewhere, Anna is looking over the blood drawn as Father Drake shows up. Father Drake shows her that Alex’s work was done in Aramaic and he does not believe she did it because in 20 minutes, this was 30 pages of Latin translated into Aramaic which if you put it that way….is almost impossible. Anna thinks this is just a prank.
 

And What Would Be The Point In This Prank????
 
Father Drake doesn’t buy it, but Anna is convinced these kids would pull something like this. Drake says the devil has been in this school before and basically they both know who they are talking about, meaning there is still more to this story than Anne making this a school for 5 unwanted delinquents with a formerly drunk Father Drake.
 
We go to the hallway where Alex and the blind Cecilia are doing tarot cards because while Cecilia is blind, she has a second sight with tarot cards. We get more animosity between Alex and Mara as we move to the next scene.
 

Which Is To Show That There Is A Pentagram Somewhere With Blood In The Middle
 
The blood in middle seeps through the floor and drops from ceiling to the room where the girls are sleeping. It gets into Connie’s skin and she notices.
 

Ah No….The Bugs Have Gotten Into My Body Again
 
The next day, Anna is getting washed up in the bathroom and she sees the haunted Elizabeth and we see that they definitely know each other from the past and that Anna is trying to get Elizabeth out of wherever she is. Connie is obviously changing based on last night although no one else notices. Alex goes to confessionals with Father Drake and confesses that she is seeing apparitions of someone. Father Drake doesn’t believe this as he believes the person she is talking about is gone and she says that “God made the dark so that we can see the light” line that Elizabeth said at the beginning of this film so Father Drake kicks her out of confessionals and says she is lying, even though he knows she isn’t.
 
Then we get a scene of Mara, Cecilia, and Connie talking while answering nature’s call and filling cups for urine tests. 
 

Thankfully, They Do Not Do Battle Shits Like In Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
 
While in the bathroom, they decide that they are going to break the rules and enter the third floor. We see that Connie, the third girl here is pissing blood (which I will not show for my sanity). Mara and Cecilia break into the third floor and Anna obviously comes by seeing that the lock to the third floor was picked. She has the urine samples and doesn’t think too much about it as she goes somewhere and Mara & Cecilia are able to sneak by her back into the second floor. Meanwhile, Alex sees Connie praying and Connie tells Alex that something is going on. Connie basically is a conduit and shows that she is getting abused by something.
 

Yikes….Probably Should Be A Nurse At This Place
 
Connie says she felt something enter her last night and when Alex tries to get the headmistress or Father Drake, Connie says that she already tried and they just told her she was lying, even though the marks on her back would say something is up. We go to class and now the headmistress with a ruler wants to know who broke into the third floor. Anne immediately believes Mara was responsible and Mara lies that she didn’t go up there. She wacks Mara’s hands with the ruler, completely convinced Mara did it. Alex then lies and says that she was the one who went to the third floor. Anna then decides that it is time for a spanking with the ruler.
 

Alex Is Not As Into This As The Ladies Of The Castle Anthrax
 
As she is getting hit in the rear with the ruler, Alex starts doing the “Hail Mary” prayer and the others join her, despite Anna not wanting them to do so. Anna eventually stops and goes to the hall to clean her hands of the blood that ruler caused. In the locker room, Cecilia and Mara are treating the scars on Alex’s lower back end and we see that Mara’s gift is that she is a healer.
 

Cecilia asks Mara if she can help her see and Mara says that it only works on fresh wounds…which would help Connie, but Alex doesn’t bother to tell her situation. They all then decide that they are definitely sneaking into the third floor to find out what Anna is hiding. They hide when Anna and the guy who opened the gate from earlier (who we find out is named Virgil). They obviously know each other and when Anna wonders about her methods, Virgil says that the two of them didn’t reopen this school so Anna could be pleasant to them. Virgil then leaves as we go to the girls breaking once again into the third floor. They break into a room with multiple locks and that is where the pentagram is, seeing that the urine samples have been spilled on the floor as well as the rag used to wipe up the blood. Oh and we find out they are all virgins.
 

Elsewhere, Anna is in her room and using black magic to force the girls into the pentagram at each point.
 

She tries to use the old “5 Souls For One” spell to get Elizabeth back to the realm of the living.
 

The CGI goo then enters each other the girls and plays reverse hot potato with their bodies before ending up with Connie. Suddenly, they are freed, Mara uses healing on Connie (who fainted), and they all decide that they need to get back to their rooms, but not before Alex takes the notebook that belonged to Elizabeth Dobbs.
 
The next day, both Leah and Connie are taking baths and Leah says the parents are going to sue this school so bad (yeah, she hasn’t accepted that her parents left her here for a reason). And because she has her headphones on and listening to her iPod, she doesn’t notice at all when Connie starts becoming possessed because whatever flew in her last night did not leave and that healing stuff did not get rid of it.
 

However, she does notice when Connie shows up and starts trying to drown her ass.
 

And The Return Of The Dreaded Black Box
 
Connie then pukes that gook on Leah and falls over dead.
 

Leah is now possessed and walks over the dead body of Connie.
 

Father Drake then sees that the lock to the third floor and the locks to the classroom where Elizabeth was taken have been opened so he decides to investigate. He finds the pentagram and he is weirded out by it. We then see Leah is super hungry.
 

Sadly She Is Not A Hungry Hungry Hippo
 
Alex, Mara, and Cecilia realize immediately that Leah is possessed and just decide to go into another room to talk about it instead of tying Leah down and then talk about how they will deal with this. They believe that this is the demon Legion that is doing the possessing. They reveal that Jesus dealt with Legion by casting the 2,000 souls of Legion into 2,000 pigs and then, they fell off a cliff and drowned. Cecilia immediately points out that they don’t even have one pig, let alone 2,000 of the little oinkers. They then talk about how Elizabeth just disappeared at this school and the school closed for 5 years afterwards.
 
They then try to figure out what Legion wants, which is property. However, they believe that Elizabeth’s soul was so pure that the possession didn’t take and now he wants a new vessel, one that isn’t so pure. Here is the thing, demons kind of need a bit of an invitation (even if it is an unknowing one) or a sacrifice of the pure soul to even enter someone so Elizabeth should never have gone missing in the first place, but then again….we wouldn’t have a movie. Anyway, the three girls decide that they need to get out of this school.
 
Elsewhere, Father Drake is praying when Leah walks in.
 

Say Father…..Let’s Play Pretend. You Can Still Stay A Priest And I Can Be The Altar Boy.
 
Leah then loosens up her shirt and Drake tells her to button that blouse up. Of course, we are dealing with dumb characters so Drake doesn’t even notice the damn bruises on her body. Leah basically has to say the demon is talking for her now before Drake even thinks about doing something. Leah even does the “My Name Is Legion For We Are Many” line and Drake’s response is to grab that tiny cross that used to belong to Elizabeth.
 

Drake tries to exorcise the demon out of Leah, but the cross is apparently too small.
 

Not How That Works. What Would Have Worked Is The Reference To Father Drake Losing The Faith So That Doesn’t Work Now (He Was At A Bar Drinking Before The School Started Up Again).
 
Drake tries to say Legion will not get all of his flock, which Legion says he will and the priest is stabbed by that small cross.
 

Goodbye, Ron Perlman
 

Oh And A Bunch Of Other Small Crosses For Good Measure
 
Alex, Mara, and Cecilia go to look for Connie as they pack as well to get out of here. Alex is the one who finds her in the bathroom.
 

Mara finds Father Drake dead.
 

Cecilia sadly draws the worst luck and runs into Leah.
 

Legion, You Lucky Devil
 
There is a small fight and the other two girls hear the screams of Cecilia, but they are locked out of the third floor by the heartless Anna.
 

We then find out that Anna is Elizabeth’s sister and Pierce is her mother’s maiden name. Mara makes a remark about that Anna would so be the type to do that since she is a bitch and Anna responds by breaking Mara’s healing hand.
 

Anna: Whose The Bitch Now??
Me: Still You
 
We go back to Leah/Legion and Cecilia and the blind girl throws a book at the possessed one because Cecilia can still hear Legion being boastful.
 

Talk About Throwing The Book At Someone
 
Cecilia beats Leah to death with the book, but not before the demon passes into her.
 

So Cecilia is possessed and now can see. Alex and Mara bar themselves into the bedroom and create a circle as Cecilia/Legion is coming for them.
 

And we get a kiss between our two female survivors.
 

Yeah, They Really Hinted Hard That Mara Was A Lesbian With Her Extreme Hatred Of Men And Her Many Times She Said Something To Alex That Made It Seem Like She Wanted To Bang Her Despite Their Earlier Animosity. So This Does Not Come Out Of Nowhere.
 
Elsewhere, Anna has a pentagram of her own and cuts her hand. Cecilia comes and they soon find out that she is possessed by Legion. Legion then uses the blood to destroy the circle.
 

Alex gets knocked out of the way so Mara and Cecilia/Legion can have a bit of a fight. Mara kicks Cecilia’s ass and Legion decides that Mara is a better vessel so it possesses her and Cecilia dies.
 

So with Mara possessed and having a knife, Alex is in a whole lot of trouble and has to run.
 

But this does no good as Mara stabs her, but Alex stabs Mara right back. Of course this part screws up Anna’s plan to bring back her sister as Legion was only able to kill 4. We see the horrible CGI face of the demon.
 

Anna comes in wanting her sister back, but Legion says only 4 souls have been delivered and then Alex does some telekinetic nonsense while screaming Mara’s name.
 

Legion then bursts out of Mara’s body.
 

Alex pushes Legion into Anna’s body and Anna gets impaled in the head by a bigger cross.
 

So with the big bad dead, Mara comes back to life and with the demon healing her broken hand while she was possessed, Mara is able to heal herself. But for some reason, Mara can’t heal Alex and Alex dies.
 

Which Makes No Sense
 
So Virgil comes by and Mara is about to leave, but since 5 souls were delivered with the 4 girls and Anne, Elizabeth comes down and we get one more final twist. You see, Virgil here is Elizabeth and Anna’s father.
 

Mara says she hopes it was worth it and leaves. But you see, if anyone knows the bible….the demons of Hell (including Legion) are not exactly fair with their rules as Anna still possessed body, possesses Virgil.
 

Elizabeth screams no and this movie ends with the “Save Our Souls” theme.
 

Oh Yeah, Somehow Legion’s Arm Is In The Shot. I Don’t Know Why.
 
So because this was a straight to DVD film, there really is no guess about how well this film did financially. This has been hated by critics and most everyone except Ron Perlman (who played Father Drake) are actively getting roles in abundancy (same time this film came out, he was still voicing Slade in the Teen Titans cartoon, voicing Hellboy in a cartoon TV movie, voicing Vice Principal Lancer in Danny Phantom, and was in an episode of Masters Of Horror). Barbara Momabolo (who played Leah) has also done decently in the voice acting game as along with some anime dubs, you may know her as the voice of Zoey and Millie in the Total Drama cartoon series.
 
No one has died since this film came out so I guess I have to talk about my overall thoughts on this film and as I hinted earlier, this film is not all that good. In fact, in the grand scheme of things, this film is forgettable. It’s a barely thought out film dealing with witchcraft and possession with horrible CGI and some really bland acting. Also the film isn’t shot that well as well with extremely drab backgrounds and lighting that doesn’t impress anyone. This will probably be the film that out of all of Bob’s choices, this will be the one I least remember.
 
But the last film on his list will not be forgettable for it is a very bad adaptation to a very popular video game and one that even the star of this film has made fun of. He knows what it is and you all shall as well.
 

It’s Time For Some Doom