Monster Crap Inductee: Buffy, The Vampire Slayer (1992)

Monster Crap Inductee: Buffy The Vampire Slayer

If You Were Expecting Sarah Michelle Geller Here, You May Be A Sucker

1992

Yes, no need for your pitchforks and all. We will not be inducting the hit TV series starring Sarah Michelle Geller. In fact, why in the hell would you ever think I was talking about a TV series because I do movies, son.

Instead, let’s go back to 1990s, Joss Whedon (who some people may love) was a young script writer who was writing for shows and movies although really didn’t have much of a name yet. During this time, he had a script for a movie about a high school cheerleader fighting vampires called Buffy The Vampire Slayer and in 1991, he sold this script to Sandollar, a production company that was most known for Dolly Parton.

Yep, That Dolly Parton

For this film, they decided to get Kristy Swanson to star in it because she was still hot in the late 80s and early 90s.

We At Monster Crap Remember Her From Deadly Friend

It also would star Donald Sutherland

He Also Has Been In Monster Crap, Providing The Voice Of Dr. Sid In Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

We have Paul Reubens.

You May Remember Him As Pee Wee Herman

He Was In An Uncredited Role As Pee Wee Herman In Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker

Michelle Abrams?

Her First Role Was A Small One In Troll 2

Sasha Jenson

He Got Stuck To His Girlfriend In Ghoulies 2

Also James Paradise was a Transport Worker in Congo, Al Goto was in that 1998 Godzilla film, and Mike Johnson was in Pumpkinhead 2: Blood Wings.

The other big names for this movie are Rutger Hauer and…..Luke Perry, who also passed away this year. I know there is other shit to talk about, but let’s just get to the film before I chase anyone else out with this being a downer.

We begin with a narration saying that since the dawn of man, vampires have walked among us, feeding and killing. The only one to stop their heinous deeds is a slayer and we see a slayer dressed like a maiden being given the task as slayer in Europe during the Dark Ages.

We then go to present day (or the 90s as this film was released in 1992 and feels very 90s) as we see the person who we know will be our eventual slayer, Buffy as a cheerleader.

Then we get the title.

The cheerleaders here are doing a dance. We see a coach doing a terrible job coaching up his team and a preppy girl named Kimberly being upset at a guy sitting next to her.

Hi Hilary Swank In Your First Feature Film. Enjoy The Fact That You Will Have Two Oscars You Would Win Years Later.

Oh and it says we are in Southern California during the “Lite Ages”

Lame. And SCU Wouldn’t Be A Thing Until Decades Later.

We are now at a mall where Buffy is complaining to her preppy friends about getting a C+ and the teacher telling her she has no sense of history. Her excuse against that idea is that the teacher wears a brown tie.

Alright People, Get Out Your Dumb Blonde Jokes Here Because I Don’t Have Time To Go Through Them This Whole Movie

She also says that she doesn’t need to go to El Salvador as she will never be going to Spain.

The Green Is El Salvador And The Orange Is Spain.

Then Buffy sees a yellow jacket that she likes.

Kimberly does not like the jacket and that the jacket is so 5 minutes ago. Her friend Jennifer agrees.

Please No Troll 2 Jokes

Buffy agrees and they leave the jacket. Afterwards, they complain about movie theaters either not having Dolby sound, bogus popcorn, or trailers to foreign movies. Then some creepy guy gets on the elevator with them.

Hey Donald Sutherland

They think he is rude and he gets off the elevator as they mention that he looks like a homeless person. This homeless looking man is named Merrick and obviously with it being Donald Sutherland, he is kind of important to this story. Oh and at the theater, the girls are talking which annoys the guys behind them Pike and Benny.

Hey Luke Perry and….David Arquette???!!!

Yeah, David Arquette is in this movie and this would be before he even got famous.

And Years Before WCW & Vince Russo In Their Infinite Wisdom, Would Make Him WCW Heavyweight Champion. Vince Russo May Defend This Until His Dying Breath, But Look At This Picture. Even David Arquette Thinks This Is Stupid.

We see another jock leaving Andy and Jeffery behind as Buffy makes out with Jeffery.

Don’t Worry Andy. A Few Years Later, You Would Get The Hot Girl In My Boyfriend’s Back, Although It Would Be After You Came Back From The Dead.

Meanwhile, that jock who left the two is walking alone on a dark night passed a carousel when he runs into a vampire named Amilyn.

You Will Not Be Getting Any Pee-Wee Laughs Out Of Me This Time

We then get a news report about some person getting killed by neck wounds that resemble a really bad hickey. Buffy’s parents are leaving her home alone and tell her to stay away from the Jag.

I Know This Hasn’t Come Out Yet Nor Is That What He Means. But If He Really Meant An Atari Jaguar, You Definitely Wouldn’t Have To Tell Her To Stay Away From That Thing.

Buffy and Jeffery are all alone and we get the start of a make out scene, but we get a fade to black away from that. We go back to the Dark Ages where that maiden stakes a vampire, but then gets cornered by a vampire gang led by Amilyn.

And then she meets Lothos, the head vampire.

Guessing It Doesn't Go Well For This Maiden

This goes along with Buffy having a dream about it and she wakes up from it. We then go to a vampire dwelling where Amilyn tells his master to sleep well as he has already begun building him a new family.

The next day, the girls are talking about what the theme for Senior Dance should be and they are talking about the environment since it has to be a socially conscious theme. They keep talking even though the bell rings and the principal named Gary Murray tells them that they have to get to class.

Hey, As Long As You Don’t Take This Guy’s Stapler….You All Should Be Fine

Later they talk about how they shouldn’t have to invite everyone, but Buffy says since it is the Senior Dance, they do. Also, Kimberly comes in wearing that same yellow jacket that she said wouldn’t look good on Buffy. Kimberly explains that it is now retro so its cool again and Jennifer agrees. They see that Pike and Benny and can’t believe that they are here. The girls make fun of them and Pike just drinks from his flask because he doesn’t care.

The two losers realize that they hate the girls and Benny makes a joke with a hot dog being his dick and Buffy responds with his.

Yikes

Pike and Benny then go to a cliff area at night and talk about how despite hating the girls, they would like to bang them. Pike passes out from drinking too much and doesn’t notice Benny being kidnapped and bitten by Amilyn.

Meanwhile, Merrick comes by with his car and just looks on.

Man, I Should Have Done Something As I Was Right There. Oh Well…..

He then wakes up Pike and tells him that the street isn’t a very safe place to fall asleep in. The next day, the girls are doing cheerleader practice. After practice, Jennifer has an idea of a sign that says “Don’t Tread On Me” with a picture of the Earth. Buffy immediately says how can we not tread on the Earth since we are technically walking on it every day. She also says that she has Kimberly’s leather jacket and kind of loaned it to her friend Cassandra so please don’t tell Kimberly.

Alone, Buffy practices some gymnastics that she knows of and is freaked out when Merrick shows up like a creeper.

Hey….Hope I’m Not Being Creepy Here

He tells her that he is here to give Buffy her birthright and tells her to come with him to the graveyard. Kimberly, not being a complete idiot and probably having watched many “Stranger Danger” PSAs, is against this idea. He also wants to stop the vampires and needs Buffy to do this so she definitely thinks he is crazy. He tries telling her about her dreams of the past being real and she starts believing what he is saying. Merrick mentions Lothos and now Buffy is okay going with this guy to the graveyard.

That night, Buffy and Merrick go to the graveyard with Buffy flat out saying she cant believe she is doing this. They go to the grave of Robert Berman, who Merrick says was killed by a vampire. He gives Buffy a stake and a hammer and asks her to just wait with him until Robert wakes up. It takes a few minutes, but Robert wakes up as a vampire.

Merrick tries tackling the vampire and asks for Buffy’s help, but a female vampire attacks Buffy.

They both fight and Merrick pushes Robert into Buffy’s stake and that kills him.

Merrick then gives Buffy another stake and she kills the female vampire with it.

Meanwhile, Cassandra is in the yellow jacket when she hears some laughter.

In Pike’s room, he is listening to some music when he hears a knock at his screen door and it is Benny who now is a vampire.

Pike talks about how he has been wondering where Benny went since he tried calling his phone for hours. Pike opens the door, but Benny asks Pike to invite him in, which causes Pike to be suspicious and thinks Benny is on something since that supposed screen door is actually a window

Seriously, If He Is On Something, I Want What He Is On.

Benny gets angry and tells him he is hungry, but Pike tells him to go away since he is floating.

Merrick drives Buffy home and tells Buffy to act normally when she goes to school tomorrow because if the vampires find out she is the slayer, she won’t be hunting them anymore as they will be hunting her. He also gives her a piece of paper with an address and tells her to meet him there tomorrow after school. Buffy says she has cheerleading practice and Merrick tells her that she is going to have to skip it. Buffy then explains that vampires cant come in unless you invite them in, which Merrick says is true. She says good to that and leaves. Buffy enters her house and her mom is upset over being home late.

Buffy goes to bed and somehow Lothos is there.

Um…I Hope This Is A Dream Because Lothos Was Never Invited In.

Thankfully, it was a dream as Buffy wakes up.

Amilyn tells a girl to wake up as she will be late to school and see that he has kidnapped Cassandra.

Amilyn tells her that his master knows she is awake since he can hear her heartbeat and we see Lothos flying.

Cassandra can’t believe what she is seeing, but is helpless to run for some reason. She asks who he is as we go to the next day of school where Nicki is putting on perfume. We see Buffy come in to get ready for practice and after being left alone, we see that once again Merrick is creeping around.

Merrick is upset that Buffy didn’t meet him an hour ago at the spot he asked her to meet him at. They argue over it and Buffy still says she is not the slayer. Merrick admits that she has missed years of training so maybe she is right. Buffy agrees and wishes him good luck. He is about to leave and then says there is one thing he needs to mention. It is of course a dagger that he throws at her and she catches like it is nothing.

Really?

To Merrick, that proves that she is the slayer that he has been looking for. Buffy then says that she doesn’t want to be the chosen one as she does not want to spend the rest of her life chasing vampires. And she has this bit.

Buffy: All I want to do is graduate from high school, move to Europe, marry Christian Slater, and die.

She punches Merrick, breaking his nose and is impressed that she was so good despite never hitting anyone and not even breaking a nail. So she decides to start training with a punching bag.

Yep, now she is okay with training to be a vampire slayer and we get a montage. She also finds time to be with her boyfriend although the principal knows that she is late. The principal calls her into his office and wonders what is up as he thinks she is on drugs. Buffy then grabs a nail, puts it in her mouth, and spits it out the stab the fly that was bothering her.

At a garage, Pike is upset that his boss does not have the part for his car yet. The boss wonders what is up and Pike says he is leaving town. He tells his boss he should also leave this place since something is going on that he doesn’t like.

Hi, Thomas Jane

Oh and if the boss sees Benny, Pike tells him to run.

That night, Buffy is in an alley, pretending to be someone lost. And immediately a vampire attacks.

She kills him.

We then see Merrick and it seems this was a practice run where he was timing her. Merrick tells her the blind alley is a bad idea since you can only deal with one there. He also explains that the cramps she has been having at times was her body’s way of telling her a vampire is near. Buffy wonders why he is not doing anything during these moments. He explains that he has trained girls for a 100 lifetimes and his only reason for existing is to train the chosen one as he is not a slayer and he must not interfere. Buffy asks if he keeps on living the same old life over and over, which he says yes to. She asks how long and what will happen if there aren’t anymore vampires, which Merrick says that at that point, maybe he will go to heaven. After they have this moment, they agree that they need to go to work.

On the cliff from earlier, it seems that Pike’s van dies. And this is a bad time to happen, as Amilyn and two vampire goons are here.

The van finally starts as the lights bother Amilyn. He reverses into the two vampire goons, knocking them out. Amilyn then gets on the hood of the van and Pike drives to try and get rid of him.

Amilyn gets on top of the van and starts surfing on it. He punches a hole through the roof and tries to grab Pike. Unfortunately, Pike goes through some low hanging branches and Amilyn short of gets disarmed.

Pike fights with the arm for a bit before throwing it to the side, but this distraction causes him to crash the van.

Now Pike has to deal with Amilyn and the two goons without a car.

Amilyn is extra mad.

Amilyn: You ruined my new jacket.

*Looks at the two vampire goons*

Amilyn: Kill him a lot.

Pike runs and then starts attacking the vampires with his guitar. The guitar breaks and Pike seems to be done. But luckily for him, Buffy appears and kills them.

Buffy takes Pike to her home and asks if he is alright. Pike explains that he now knows that vampires exist since his friend is obviously now a vampire. He explains that tomorrow, he is taking a bus and getting out of this town. He asks Buffy who she is since earlier she seemed like not the type of person who would be doing this. She basically explains that she had things figured out, but now everything has changed and wonders if he gets that. It seems that the two are starting to like each other. Buffy says she is going to bed, but Pike is more than allowed to stay for the night in the guest room. Pike says he will stay right in the living room just to make sure the light comes up and everything.

Back at the vampire haven, Lothos is yelling at Amilyn for failing tonight. We basically find out that Amilyn was in the Crusades as Lothos wonders how he made it through that period of time. The head bad guy then grabs a kitten and says he is going to have a little snack.

Bastard!!!

The next day, Buffy’s friends are talking about Cassandra’s death as they found her body on the hills. Kimberly is upset that Cassandra still had the yellow jacket on her when they found it. Jeffery and Andy talk about the memorial for Cassandra and for some strange reason, Andy decides to smack Buffy on the ass. Buffy responds by giving him a Judo Throw and then slamming him into the locker room. Everyone is shocked by this and Buffy just leaves. She then tells Merrick that she has to cheerlead tonight since she already has missed three practices. Merrick talks about how none of the other girls gave him this much trouble and Buffy sarcastically asks where are they now.

At the game, we see that the head coach is terrible at his job.

And Might Be Trying To Recruit His Team Into The Illuminati. Odd…

Oh and that guy who had been obviously attacked by Amily way earlier in the film is here.

Obviously He Is A Vampire

Coach decides to put the vampire player obviously in the game and you know some bad shit is gonna happen. As he is playing, Buffy starts to realize that he is a vampire. Ref tells the coach he has to go out of the game and coach agrees, but he won’t do it.

Hey, Ben Affleck!

The vampire player freaks out Affleck and is just given the ball. Things get a bit out of hand and Buffy has to trip the vampire before he attacks, but this does cost the team the game. Buffy chases the vampire outside of the school as he obviously knows who she is and is gonna try to report to Amilyn. Some bikers make some sexual reference about Buffy wanting to get some real power in between her legs and Buffy agrees, stealing the motorcycle.

And This Biker Responds To Getting His Bike Stolen By Calling Her A Dyke.

A chase ensues and Pike decides to join the chase with his motorcycle that he has now. She chases the vampire to where the parade floats are being held and here we finally find out this guy’s name is Grueller. Two other vampires and Pike join the fray with Pike killing Grueller.

Buffy then kills one of the two vampires here.

Buffy then has a moment with Pike where we see more sexual tension between the two as they kill the other vampire. Buffy then says she is going to look for Merrick, but instead she finally meets Lothos.

Obviously Amilyn Is Also There.

Lothos seems to draw Buffy towards him as Lothos seems to have that power with his eyes. Merrick joins also and we get some conversation between all of them. Lothos tries to turn a entranced Buffy when Merrick comes in. Lothos kills Merrick for his interference.

Lothos and Amilyn leave as Buffy and Pike watch Merrick draw his last breath. Buffy then cries at her house over Merrick’s death as Pike watches on.

The next day, Buffy’s friends talk about Buffy’s actions at the game when Buffy arrives late to help them with the Senior Dance. Kimberly finally calls out Buffy over her actions the last few days. Buffy says there has been strange things going on, but none seem to be connecting the dots. Buffy really sees no point in helping out in this dance anymore and there is a breakup between her and her friends.

That night, Buffy gets met by Pike who is on his bike. Buffy says she is going shopping for the dress to the Senior Dance and try to hang out with her friends, even though she may have already lost those friends. Pike tries to get her back into the fight against vampires, but it seems the loss of Merrick has killed her drive to be Buffy The Vampire Slayer as she blames herself for Merrick’s death since she couldn’t lift a hand to fight Lothos. Pike rides off in anger. Unfortunately for Pike, someone was listening in and now knows that Buffy is the chosen vampire slayer (even though I believe Lothos already knows that).

Hey Benny, It’s Been A While

Or they didn’t (despite that whole show at the place with the parade floats) as they now plan to invade that Senior Dance.

Seriously, I Think This Movie Is Edited Terribly

At Pike’s place, Pike still plans on fighting vampires as he is sharpening stakes from common wooden items.

It’s now time for the Senior Dance.

Hey, Slash Of Guns N’ Roses Is The DJ

Nicki and Kimberly are being wallflowers and making fun of people’s outfits as Buffy arrives. Buffy looks for Jeffery, but it seems that Jeffery has decided to come to the dance with Jennifer.

Yep….Buffy’s Been Dumped

We find out that Jeffery broke up with her via her answering machine and now Buffy is all alone with no one to dance with.

This Is So Wrong For A Nice, Pretty Lady Like Her To Be All Alone

Heck, She Showed Me How To Selfie On My Phone. It May Not Be An Ability I Use Much, But At Least I Know How To Do It.

But luckily for Buffy, Pike arrives in his coat.

Which Is Odd Since I Never Saw Him At This School, But I Guess Exceptions Have Been Made In The Past.

He gives Buffy a fake rose he just found and admitted that he just crashed the dance. Buffy is glad he came and it seems they are about to dance and have a happy ending, just one small problem.

Yeah, That Whole Vampire Problem

A bunch of vampires are at the door and Buffy says they can’t come in unless they are invited in. Kimberly immediately reveals that she invited them in since they are seniors.

Even Buffy Is Like “Why Would You Assume All Of Them Are Seniors”

Principal Murray threatens the vampires with detention slips.

He’s Great In This Film

Pike reveals that he brought a bag of “solutions” (aka stakes). The vampires demand Buffy come to them and Buffy does while wearing Pike’s jacket that he gave her.

Oh Yeah, That Vampire That Got Kicked Here Is Seth Green.

Buffy enters the school as she gets away from the vampire horde. But now she has to deal with Amilyn.

Back at the dance, the DJ runs away from another vampire.

Hey, It’s Robert Arquette In An Uncredited Role Before He Got A Sex Change And Became Alexa Arquette.

Buffy fights with Amilyn as more vampires cause trouble in the gymnasium and Nicki gets dragged out while trying to protect Kimberly. Pike can’t really help as he has his own problems as Benny decides to fight him. Benny tries to convince Pike to join the vampire side, but no luck on that front. Buffy leads Amilyn to the boiler room as Amilyn makes terrible one liners. Buffy is about to kill Amilyn when Lothos shows up playing a violin.

Amilyn thinks Lothos is gonna help him, but Lothos just stands there as Buffy kills Amilyn.

Thank God, He Is Gone. Other Than His One Joke About Wanting To Kill A Guy A Lot Over A Ruined Jacket, He Was Annoying In This Film.

Oh and sadly, Amilyn overdoes his death.

Because Of Course He Does.

Lothos tries to lure Buffy onto his side with some sweet talk. Meanwhile, Pike douses holy water onto Benny.

Pike then electrocutes his old friend to death (even though that shouldn't kill a vampire) with a fuse box.

This Is The Last Of His Character So I Guess In This Film, It Killed Him. 

Buffy then says something about music which makes no sense. Lothos tries to entrance her, but it isn’t working. Lothos gives a speech and Buffy has a cross, which Lothos laughs off. He grabs the cross which sets it on fire, but it was all a trick for Buffy to use some aerosol and burn Lothos face.

This merely gives Buffy a distraction to get away as the fight is not done. Back at the school, we see Principal Murray gives dead vampires detention slips.

Better Not Come Back From The Dead Or You Get Detention!

Buffy comes back and Kimberly thinks she will bring more vampires back, but Murray just knocks her head against the wall.

Principal Murray Is Tired Of Your Shit

Lothos breaks through a wall and now is brandishing a sword.

OH YEAH!!!!

Lothos tries again to get Buffy on his side, but Buffy this time grabs the state flag of California and they have a fight. Pike comes in and causes a distraction and Buffy stabs him with a leg of a wooden chair.

She gets Pike back up and Pike says he saved her a dance, which the two do. They then ride off on a motorcycle to go and hunt for more vampires.

The end credits start as a news report about the vampires attacking the dance is aired.

Mid-credits see Amilyn still milking his death.

Just Stop, Man!!!

And finally, the movie is over.

Unfortunately for Joss Whedon, the movie he wanted to make was messed with to the point that he left early on in the film, especially having issues with Donald Sutherland as Sutherland was allowed to do whatever he wanted and his character was unintelligible at times (which he definitely was). The film was made more of a comedy, taking out a lot of the darker elements. In fact, Merrick was supposed to have committed suicide, but that was changed to him getting killed by Lothos because it was too dark. While the movie did double it’s budget at the box office, it was only seen as a moderate success.

Joss Whedon would have the last laugh though as he made a Buffy The Vampire Slayer TV series with Sarah Michelle Geller as Buffy where he got to do a lot of the darker elements he wanted in the film and well,

Let’s Just Say There Is A Reason When People Say Buffy The Vampire Slayer, They Normally Are Not Talking About The 1992 Movie

He also had more success with Marvel’s The Avengers….as well as several other films so yes, Joss Whedon did laugh last.

But despite it being forgotten by a better TV series, that doesn’t mean there weren’t successes from this. Hilary Swank (who played Kimberly) won two Oscars for Best Actress for Boys Don’t Cry and Million Dollar Baby. David Arquette (who played Benny) would become best known as Dewey Riley in the Scream films. Stephen Root (who played Principal Gary Murray and was the best part of the film) would get his success as the horribly treated Milton, who would ultimately get his revenge by burning down the building in Office Space. Thomas Jane (who played Zeph) would become an action star and be in such films as Deep Blue Sea and The Punisher. Heck, even uncredited people would get their shine. Ben Affleck would become a major movie star and now an accomplished director as well, directing and starring in the Oscar-winning film Argo. Seth Green would become funny and star in many comedies. Even Ricki Lake was in this film apparently, although I did not see her as she would get her own daytime talk show.

Unfortunately, there were several people who are no longer with us. This would be Kenny Sacha’s (who played a vampire) last film as he would die in 1992 (same year as the movie) of AIDS. Kim Robert Koscki (who played a vampire) suffered a cardiac arrest from dehydration and died at the age of 50 in 2014. Alexis Arquette (who as Robert had an uncredited role as the vampire DJ) would sadly get AIDS and die in 2016 from complications due to having it. Liz Smith (who played herself during the credits newscast) died of natural causes in 2017 at the age of 94. Luke Perry (who played Pike) would sadly suffer a stroke, which he never came from and he died in 2019.  Rutger Hauer (who played Lothos) got sick and died in 2019 at the age of 75.

Now for my final thoughts on the film. I’m sure people like this film, but I am not one of them. The film is a mess on the editing front and at times, it seemed like inmates were allowed to run the asylum with Donald Sutherland and Paul Reubens (and maybe even Rutger Hauer). I’ll give Kristy Swanson and Luke Perry props as they seemed to want this film to succeed as they tried and several of the actors who would become big later in life (Stephen Root hugely among them as he was awesome in this film) showed that they would be successful. Unfortunately, that does not include Hilary Swank who I know this was her first acting gig in a feature film, but it did totally show and if you watched only this, you wouldn’t know she would end up with two Oscars later in life. Sometimes effects were good and sometimes they were not. Ultimately, I understand Joss Whedon having years of issues with this film as he did watch a film that he wrote and highly loved, get jerked around by studios, actors, and the director.

Now with that out of the way. NegaSeth, you said you had something for me to induct in November so spill it.

Ah Man…You Are Certainly No Fun.

I just watched a movie that was basically a downer for me as two of the stars died tragically this year. I really don’t have time for games.

Oh….you want me to play straight, huh. Well, fine. Your next film is a film you passed last year thanks to a person who donated a film, but you will be getting it this time. May I introduce a film that I’m sure you would agree hugely suffers from sequelitis.

Son Of A Bitch!