Monster
Crap Inductee: Night Of The Living Dead 3D
Not
The Night Of The Living Dead Remake We Need, But The Night Of The Living Dead
Remake We Deserve
2006
Well,
normally I was planning on just roasting this movie and leaving my dear readers
out of this induction, but then this happened.
You
Disgust Me, America.
So now
I am going to say this one thing about this terrible remake when we already
have a good remake. Out of the remakes, this shitty remake is the film you all
freaking deserve even if you probably need the 1990s remake. You all deserve to
be shat upon for what our country is going to go through and you know what….I
am going to disassociate with this because I did my part to try and prevent
this from happening.
Now
let’s talk about the actual film.
In
1968, George A. Romero would become a horror legend for creating a whole new
genre of horror with the zombie movies we know today when he made Night of the
Living Dead.
It was
a huge success, but unfortunately…the people who financed the film were
complete dumb fucks who completely bungled there way through copyrights (they
copyrighted the original name of the film Night of the Flesh Easters, but never
bothered to copyright Night of the Living Dead when the title was changed) and
because of them, Night Of The Living Dead became public domain. So if there
ever is a movie that needs to show a horror movie, nine times out of ten, they
will be showing Night of the Living Dead because you don’t need to pay to show
it. But that also didn’t stop people from making money off of it like co-writer
John Russo who did the whole Return Of The Living Dead series to piggy back off
it with no input from Romero.
Great
First Film, Mediocre Second Film, Okay Third Film, Terrible Fourth And Fifth
Film
He
would also re-release Night Of The Living Dead with new footage he shot and
called that Night Of The Living Dead 30th Anniversary Edition.
The
Less Said About This Piece Of Shit, The Better
But
only one remake was made in 1990 with Romero’s blessing and writing that was
directed by a good friend of his in special effects master Tom Savini.
It Was
Actually A Decent Film, But The Pain Of Making It Is Why Tom Savini Has Never
Directed Since
But
that all changed in 2006 when a new version was made with no input from anyone
on the original film nor the 1990 remake and that is the version we will be
looking at. The only famous person in this film will be Sid Haig, who we have
also covered on Monster Crap before.
He Was
East Eddie In Beyond Atlantis
Also
other Monster Crap alumni are Brian La Rosa (who was also in Congo as a Gorilla
and Day of the Dead remake as a guy in the woods) and Neil D’Monte (who was
uncredited in the Day of The Dead remake as a zombie).
And
with that out of the way, let’s get to the insides of this movie.
We
begin with a copy of the original film complete with black and white.
And
then we find out it is the actual original film on a TV so in this remake, the
actual original film exists.
Why Do
Filmmakers Think This Is A Clever Easter Egg Of Having The Source Material In
Your Film?
Then we
get the title from the original film getting out of the TV and changing into
the title of this film.
Anyway,
we are in a hick place and two people named Barb and Johnny are coming to visit
their mom for their aunt’s funeral.
Johnny
doesn’t want to be at this funeral and burial because he doesn’t like it here
and he doesn’t understand why they have to be at this funeral since their
mother didn’t like this aunt when she was alive. Also Johnny isn’t exactly a
big fan of his mom as his mom always seems to blame him for stuff. Johnny
complains and complains and you see quickly that he is kind of an asshole. Barb
just thinks they need to be there for their mom. They then argue about map
quest’s inability to find a cemetery and oh boy….do I want these characters to
die already. But they do find the cemetery thanks to a sign.
Sign Is
Basically Telling Them “Go Here, Dumb Shits!”
This is
the Shady Rest Cemetery.
Thanks,
Sign
They go
to what obviously looks like the place for a burial, but no one is there.
But
that doesn’t stop these siblings from going up and then being surprised that
nobody is there. Johnny thinks they missed the burial, but Barb thinks that
didn’t happen because well, the coffin hasn’t even been buried yet. They argue
some more until Johnny decides to go to the office to see what is going on. Barb
notices the casket is trying to open and tries to get Johnny’s attention, but
Johnny has bigger concerns as two people attack him.
Johnny
gets bitten and drives away, leaving Barb behind. The two guys slowly go
towards Barb after they see her and Barb walks backwards until she turns around
and sees her mom.
Mom
attacks and Barb tries to make sense of what is going on, but she can’t so she
runs away instead. Barb falls because the dress she is wearing is not good for
running so she rips the dress so she can run more effectively. She runs through
a crack in a gate that she can fit through and she sees a naked guy eating
someone.
She
runs and hides in a garage and goes into the building where she finds a morgue
and plenty of dead bodies.
Unfortunately
for her, some of those bodies come to life and start chasing her. While
running, she meets Gerald Tovar Jr., who runs the cemetery, funeral home, and
crematorium with his father (who we don’t see at this time) and who also knocks
an obviously dead guy who is walking with in the head with a shovel.
Gerald
tells her that she really should leave and come back another day because they
have a situation going on. The dead guy attacks and it seems Gerald knows the
guy so he doesn’t put up much of a fight despite not allowing the guy to bite
him. Barb runs through the same gap in the gate she came through and keeps
running away from her mom and the other people who maybe want to eat her. It
turns to night and she keeps running until she gets to a tree. She tries to
call for help on her cell phone from Johnny. She then gets a text that says
“Coming 4 U, Barb”.
Lamest
Way To Say “They’re Coming To Get You, Barb”
She tries
to know where Johnny is, but is attacked by a woman who also wants a bite.
Maybe
Just A Nibble
Another
guy attacks and in the struggle, Barb’s phone breaks. Barb seems to be done for
when a guy in a motorcycle comes to save the day.
DRIVE
BY PUNCH!!!!!
Barb
gets on the bike with the guy and the ride away. The guy on the bike is named
Ben and before I reveal what he looks like, I first want to show you what the
Ben from the original film and the remake looked like.
Here’s
Ben In The Original Film, Played By The Late Duane Jones. Romero Said That He
Hired Duane Because He Was The Best At Auditioning For The Role, But The Fact
That A Black Guy Played The Main Hero In A Horror Movie That Wasn’t
Blacksploitation Was A Huge Moment In Horror
And
Here Is The Great And Now Late Tony Todd Playing Ben In The 1990 Remake (He Passed
Away As I Was Working On This Induction)
Now
here is what Ben looks like in this version.
Yeah,
They Hired A White Guy To Play Ben. In Fact, All The Characters In This Film
Are What Except A Mixed Race Daughter Who You Will See Later. I See A Problem
Here, But I Really Do Not Want To Get Too Deep Into It Because That Would
Completely Derail Me Talking About This Film Right Now.
Ben
eventually drives Barb to a house where some friends of Ben like at. At the
house that is known as the Cooper Plant Farm, Ben gives Barb his jacket and
introduces her to his friends.
There
Is Karen Cooper
Her Dad
Henry Cooper
Henry’s
Wife Hellie (Who Is Karen’s Step-Mom) And Owen.
Karen
wants to hear about what is going on, but Henry tells her to go back to the
movie with her step-mom and Owen. After she leaves, Ben explains that they were
attacked up the road by people who seemed to be fucked up on something. Ben
wants to call the cops, but they can’t because Henry is well, a guy who grows marijuana
and sells it. Karen then says they were not fucked up on something and were
actually dead, meaning they’re zombies. Henry immediately doesn’t believe her
and believe she is on drugs. Also, Ben isn’t 100% sure they are zombies either.
She tries to tell the rest of the folks about this, but guess what they are
watching.
Yep….They
Are Watching Night Of The Living Dead, Which This Is Supposed To Be A Remake To
Owen of
course puts the joint directly to the camera because we have to be remind that
this was shot originally in 3D.
Owen wonders
if Barb is freaked out about zombie movies and Henry asks Owen where Tommy and
Judy are, which Owen laughs about. He then says they are at the barn. Barb,
Henry, and Ben go back to talk in the other room and Karen wants to come, but
they say no. In the other room, Henry explains the history of this house and
how he is continuing to restore it. Back in the living room, Karen says she is
going to play Doom in her room, but what she is really doing is sneaking out of
the house through a window, down a ladder (that is obvious to anyone), and
trying to listen in on her dad’s conversation with Barb and Ben via a window.
Meanwhile
in the barn, Tommy and Judy are having sex.
Barb
doesn’t care if they don’t believe her as she needs to go find her mother and
brother back at the cemetery and then Henry reveals that he knows Gerald Jr. since
he is his closest neighbor. In the kitchen, we see Owen trying to hit on Hellie
a little bit and puffing smoke rings into the camera. As Karen is listening
into the conversation, a zombie comes and kills her.
Hellie
trades Owen the joint he has for a sandwich when Henry tells Hellie that he is
going to take Barb to the police station in his truck. He tells Owen that Owen
may need to check the greenhouse before going to bed because Henry and Owen
have a ton of work to do in the morning. Barb warns people not to go outside
tonight, but they still do as Henry tells Owen to go tell Tommy and Judy to go
back inside as well. But before they do that, a zombie shows up and bites Owen.
The
zombie then attacks Ben who tries to stab it with a knife, but it doesn’t work.
The zombie only dies when Barb slams an ice pick into the zombie’s head.
Owen
starts puking as everyone starts freaking out over the fact that Barb is
completely right about the zombies. Hellie bandages Owen’s bite wound as
another zombie show up. They shove the zombie out and close the door. They do
the same with the other doors and then turn off the lights while looking out
the windows, where they see that the house is surrounded by zombies. Back with
Tommy and Judy, they get attacked by zombies. They try to run into the truck,
but only Judy makes it in as Tommy gets eaten.
Ben and
Henry decide they can still get to Judy, but they are too late as a back window
is open so a zombie can bite part of her face off.
Ben and
Henry then run inside, realizing Judy is screwed. Henry now decides to call the
cops, but the phone lines have somehow been cut. The cable is also out so they
can’t get any news and as far as cell phones go, Henry doesn’t allow them since
they can cause cancer and the authorities can target you through them as that
is how they were going to get Bin Laden (Bin Laden was still alive when this
film was made). Ben doesn’t bring his cell phone so they are screwed on that
front. Henry tells Hellie to go get Karen as Owen and Barb are instructed knock
over books on the book case and use the wood from the bookcase to board up the
windows. Henry and Ben go to get the guns and sadly, Henry only has two old
west guns with belt.
Hellie
tells Henry that Karen isn’t in her room and they realize when they investigate
her room that Karen must have went out, which makes Henry very upset. They look
out the window of the room they were arguing earlier and find a bloody
handprint.
A
zombie shows up and Henry shoots it, only realizing afterwards that he left a
crack in the windows that the zombies can break through, which they do.
More
zombies start coming in and they leave the room and board it up. Henry wants to
go outside to look for Karen and Ben has to draw a gun on him to stop him. The
plan is now to leave and go to the cops and Owen tells them not to leave him
laying down. Hellie talks to Barb, telling her that Karen wants to be involved
in everything and that is because Henry probably never put any boundaries on
her. We then find out that Karen’s actual mother was a junkie who died six
years ago and Hellie was heading to be a junkie too before she met Henry. Hellie
(having read the Left Behind books) thinks this might be the end of the world
and wondes why God is doing this, to which Barb responds that whatever is doing
this isn’t God.
Back
with Ben, Henry, and Owen, Ben tries to say that he is doing the right thing. Henry
says he has lost too many people and he doesn’t want to lose his daughter as
well. Owen starts being paranoid and thinks he cursed everyone by watching
Night Of The Living Dead. Hellie goes to the bathroom, but finds Karen, who is
a zombie. She runs downstairs after Barb goes downstairs with the zombie Karen
not far behind.
Henry
becomes a desperate father and refuses to let anyone shoot his now zombified
daughter and Karen rewards him for her protection by biting him in the neck.
After
Henry goes down from the bite, Ben gets a clear shot and shoots Karen in the
head, ending her once and for all.
Terrible
Effect
They
bandage up Henry’s neck wound and suddenly, there is a knock at the door. It is
Gerald Jr. who ran all the way from the mortuary to this house.
They
ask Gerald Jr. what is going on with these zombies coming out of his mortuary
and Gerald Jr. admits that they are all people who were meant to be cremated,
but weren’t cremated because Gerald Jr. doesn’t like the fire. Basically,
instead of cremating them, he has been keeping them in the back to rot, except
that they started coming back to life two weeks ago. Oh and they aren’t coming
out of the ground because the zombies are not strong enough to dig their way
out of their graves. We also find out that since Gerald Sr. died two years ago,
those bodies he has not cremated are about more than a few hundred as well as
medical things that should have been burned to avoid contamination. And since
they weren’t a licensed mortuary and crematorium, some of their best clients
would just give them stuff hoping it would be burned with no questions asked. One
last thing, people who get bit turn into zombies themselves quickly.
Owen
wakes up saying he was having a nightmare and Ben goes to check on him, but
Owen is cold to the touch as if his blood is no longer circulating, which only
happens after you have been dead. Owen is also hungry and Gerald Jr. says he
thinks Owen died a few minutes ago. Gerald Jr. goes to get his shovel and Owen
turns into a zombie.
Thankfully
Ben doesn’t get bit her and Owen is killed by Gerald Jr. with a shovel to the
head.
Gerald
Jr. says that they all need to be getting to his place as the phone lines are
down here since some poor soul drove his car into a pole. The zombies then
start breaking through the windows and Henry and Hellie stay behind to keep the
zombies there while they barricade themselves in their upstairs room. The rest
try to go to the truck, but with Judy now a zombie in there, that is nixed. Henry
and Hellie decide that they will kill themselves before they become infected.
The
Only Thing We See Of Their Death Is Gunshots Going Off Outside The House
Barb,
Ben, and Gerald Jr. run to an area and Barb reveals that Ben is a drug dealer. They
are then met by the zombie mom and Johnny, who is also now a zombie.
Barb
turns away as Ben and Gerald Jr. kill them. Barb is sad as she finds it ironic
that as the two hated each other in life, that they would find each other in
death. The three find a car and they are about to drive to a happy ending when
Gerald Jr. decides now is the time for a heel turn as he knocks out Ben with
the shovel.
Gerald
Jr. apologizes, but says that it has to be this way. Barb runs as Gerald Jr.
puts Ben in the trunk. Barb ends up and the Tovar household, which is okay with
Gerald Jr. as that is where he was heading anyway. They then meet the tied up
zombie that is Gerald Sr.
Gerald
Jr. says that when his father came back from the dead, he knew that all of this
was meant to happen. He even cuts himself to let his father suck on some of his
blood. Gerald Jr. says that he saved the corpses by redeeming them from the
fire so they can have life eternal. Basically Gerald Jr. sees himself as a new
messiah. Barb has a lighter and decides that she is going to burn this all
down.
Seth
Rollins Approves
Barb
sets Gerald Sr. on fire as Gerald Jr. can only freeze in terror as remember, he
is afraid of fire.
Barb
gets in the car as the Tovar household goes up in flames. Ben wakes up in the
trunk and makes noise which Barb eventually hears and is about to get him out
of the trunk, but Gerald Jr. comes to knock her out. He takes Barb and Ben to
the mortuary. He ties up Barb with duct tape and takes her inside where he
hopes the zombies will turn her into one of them. But Barb nudges Gerald Jr.
into the zombies and the zombies attack him, despite his pleas that he created
them.
Yeah,
Zombies Don’t Really Care. You’re Just Food To Them.
Barb
has trouble getting the car started with her hands tied behind her back and it
isn’t made any easier as the zombies start surrounding the car. Barb hits
something while going in reverse, which opens the trunk (this is a flimsy car)
and Ben is able to escape from inside. We hear Gerald Jr. calling Barb a harlot
and with his last act before death, smashes the windshield with a rock.
It Was
A Big Rock
Barb
uses some of the glass to get out of the duct tape that binds her arms. Ben
opens the garage and he gets Barb so the two can escape. Barb reveals there is
one bullet left in the chamber of the gun and we find out that Ben got impaled by
a crowbar while in the trunk.
Ben
turns into a zombie.
Barb
shoots Ben with the last bullet.
The
zombies escape from the garage and come towards Barb, the movie ends with her
scream.
After
the credits, we see Barb superimposed with a zombie.
This
movie was made for $750,000 and it made a bit $1.5 million based only on the
name and the 3D gimmick, which was still a thing in 2006. The film got a crap
ton of terrible reviews and considering most of you have probably never heard
of it yet plenty of you wanted me to induct this for a while, you can tell its
impact on this film which is none. They actually did do an animated prequel of
this film that has been a bit better received.
Nobody
really did anything after this film so sadly we have to get to the part where
we tell you that two people have passed away since this film. Sid Haig (who
played Gerald Jr.) died in 2019 at the age of 80 from respiratory complications.
Alan Gorg (who played the Mourner Zombie) passed away in 2020 at the age of 88
from melanoma.
Now for
my final thoughts. This movie absolutely sucks. The acting was terrible, the
dialogue sucked, and the effects were crap for the most part. The only good
thing about this film is about a year from now, I will probably forget all
about this film. But since this is what you all wanted and based on most of the
idiots electing the worst person in our country as president, you all deserve
this Night of the Living Dead remake and don’t come to me when you get shit
like this in life.
Now
time for next month and…
Hello, Fool
Oh
Jesus Christ, what do you want?
Well, I’ve
been watching you suffer from other people’s choices, including your own
because you just had to throw these idiots a bone when you could have picked
any terrible film, and I decided that I want to torture you myself. And since
you want to do a film that has been on your poll for a long time, I’m going to
do another one that has been in your poll for a while. It’s time to head to
Romania and pretend it is in the redneck parts of the United States with the
third entry of a series that was Straight To SyFy Channel and was also released
in the same year as Night Of The Living Dead 3D.
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