Monster Crap: May 2018

Monster Crap Inductee: Flesh Gordon Meets The Cosmic Cheerleaders

This Movie May Make People Impotent And For That And More, I Am Truly Sorry

1990

Last year because Porno Pete won the bet last year as well, we looked at the most enjoyable of these inductions of porn films, Flesh Gordon…and I referenced last time that this movie was successful enough to make a sequel and I believe I mentioned this sequel was released 16 years later. Considering a porn star’s age works against them more than a regular actor, it was going to be obvious that none of the cast would return, except of William Dennis Hunt (who played the villain Wang). What I didn’t mention was also unlike in the original, we will not be getting any enjoyable appearances like we did with Craig T. Nelson as the voice of the monster in the film.

We also have no production history or notes at all because unlike the first, there is no director’s commentary for this (maybe the director would want you to forget this one too). And, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if you were expecting some enjoyable fun in this first one, you are not getting that. But let’s get this induction taken care of so we can move on quickly and I really want to get this done with.

We begin the penis ship from the first film.

Enjoy This As It Never Appears In The Film Again

And we then hear a song that sounds like it would be a Huey Lewis song that is enjoyable called “The Hero Always Gets The Girl”, but it is actually by Bruce Scott. Remember Bruce Scott as he will have a big role in this film and the only thing I know about him other than that is that he was married for four years to Sandy Duncan. Anyway, we get our title sequence as well.

And it looks like Flesh Gordon has three babes with him this time and…

Holy Shit…Would You Look At That Hair.

Yes, that is our Flesh Gordon in this film and I would love to ask how he gets his hair like that. Anyway, one of the women who he is with tells him that they are approaching an alien planet and how do you know it is an alien planet.

It Says So On The Sign, Of Course…

The run over a few other signs as they land on the planet with plenty of the signs telling them to slow down or look out, but they don’t listen to any of those signs as they make a crash landing.

Which Flesh Seems To Think Is A Perfect Landing

Probably Because It Is Parked In Some Symbolic Innuendo

Flesh then tells the girls that it is time to meet the inhabitants who are supposed to be friendly. Then an alien rips open the door to their ship. And it gets a lot of screams.

That Last One May Become My New Twitter Avatar

The alien then grabs one of the girls and starts shaking her up and down, so her tits can make boing sounds. Flesh has issues with the alien “molesting” this Earth woman so a fight ensues. Flesh gets knocked down for a minute (which one of the women has to awaken him with a bucket of water) and the alien seems so see another attractive woman. Flesh then puts the bucket over the alien’s head. The fight continues to happen and…

I Have A Feeling The Stop Motion Effects Are Not As Good As The First

Flesh defeats the monster and one of the ladies wants him to kiss her, but she has something in her nose, which prompts the director to be pissed.

Yep…This Opening Scene Was All Just A Movie They Were Filming

Flesh Gordon says he is all for starring in this film to satisfy 300 women, but he draws the line on snotty noses. Someone asks the director if he can take King Dong to the bathroom since he really has to go, which the director says he can’t right now and since he is big enough, he can hold it. King Dong’s face says differently.

Flesh gets mad as he is clean which makes him the All-American Hero that he is. He kicks the wall in anger, but apparently, he accidentally hit a switch which catapults one of the actresses into some poo.

Some of the poo gets on the director who fires everyone so the whole Flesh Gordon movie is over, right?

Oh, If It Were Only That Easy

Flesh gets a newspaper that mentions that a strange planet is approaching Earth. Flesh Gordon then gets run over by a yellow car driven by our Dale Ardor of this film.

Thankfully The Over-Stylized Hair Ends With These Two

Suddenly, an ambulance arrives on the scene and these three skimpy women come out.

I Don’t Know About You, But I Don’t Think These Are EMTs At All…Even For A Movie Like This, They Aren’t That Lazy To Not Have Sexy Nurse Costumes At All

Dale protests them taking him away, but they claim they are taking him to the hospital. Then they put something on his head.

Obviously Not EMTs.

Dale claims that they are not dressed as hospital workers and the women then preform a cheer that says if she fucks with them, she will pay. But they kick her in the face and take Flesh away. As the ambulance leaves the scene, she sees an alien ship fly off.

This Is At The Point Where I Would Just Throw The Script In The Air And Say This Is Too Stupid For Even Myself To Be Involved With

Dale notices that the ship says SCREW on it and heads to Dr. Flexi Jerkoff.

He May Be A Titty Scientist, But Is He A Titty Master Like Dean Ambrose Is

What Is Black Boxed In This Picture Is Flexi Having A Tit Doorbell

So Flexi doesn’t want to be disturbed at first, but when he sees it is Dale, he lets her in.

Yeah, Flexi Is Also A Different Actor

Flexi shows Dale his new experiment which allows women to have bigger boobs.

Congrats…You Have Hitomi Tanaka Boobs. (Blame Porno Pete For That Joke)

He calls it Mammalian Mammary Magnification. She explains that Flesh has been kidnapped and explains the situation. He asks if the helmet looked like this.

Dale says yes, and Flexi explains that it is a Mind Fucker Helmet. Oh, so it plays this in his head.

Flexi does not think Flesh is in trouble and in fact says that Trouble is his middle name. He explains that the strange planet is now in our solar system and he thinks that spaceship is heading for that planet. While explain all of this, he accidentally pops one of the test subject’s tits.

The test subject is not happy, and she calls for Bruno in her anger. Who is Bruno, you may ask?

This Guy Who May Be Her Pimp

She tells Bruno to kill Flexi and Dale, so the two main characters run to a spaceship.

I Was Almost Thankful It Wasn’t The Same Ship As From The First Film As I Wouldn’t Have To Black Box It, But Then I Realize The Top Looks Like A Nipple So Thanks For Nothing, Assholes.

Oh, And They Have To Suck On Mechanical Tits To Blast Off.

Bruno nearly gets at them, but they are able to blast off, leaving Bruno behind.

Who Looks Like Ed Harris As He Is Angry. Trust Me…It Is Not Ed Harris.

Oh, and on the radio, it is announced that King Dong escaped the studios…the whole King Dong bit was all set up for this bit.

King Dong Pisses On Flexi’s Tit Spaceship

Flexi explains that this spaceship is fueled by the sexual release of copulating chickens (not kidding). He explains that he gets the chickens from his sister as she works on a chicken farm (and will never be seen in the movie). Flexi then hopes that he can replace this fuel with human sexual release, so they can fuck their way through the universe and Dale gets the idea of her and Flesh.

Meanwhile, it seems the fake nurses are trying to get laid by Flesh when their leader comes in.

Her Name Is Robunda Hooters

The women who are under her worry that he is impotent as the others, but Robunda gets the cheerleaders to take the Mindfucker helmet off Flesh and wake him up as well as cover his dick with a towel, so he can’t be exposed to radiation. And when Flesh wakes up, Robunda shows her tits and we get this joke.

Eat Your Heart Out, John Holmes

These women are the titular Cosmic Cheerleaders and besides Robunda (who is their coach), we have Babs, Candy Love, and Sushi. They reveal that they are part of S.C.R.E.W. and Flesh then says if they are holding him for ransom, it’s a bad idea as all his friends are broke. They explain that all they want is his virility as for some reason, impotence radiation doesn’t weaken him. She explains that the strange planet was a normal planet once that had men who were famous for their large cocks. In fact, they are so big people played a game called Cock Ball.

Basically, You Bat The Ball With Your Cocks And Get It Into A Hoop. Again…Not Kidding

She explains they played a team from the Frigid Kingdom in the Cock Ball Championship. She explains that Queen Frigid from the Ice Planet could not attend but sent her husband instead.

Oh Yeah…This Klansman Looks To Be On The Up And Up

They thought he was a priest or judge or something and Robunda said she should have known something was up when she saw how flaccid her opponent’s cocks were. Suddenly, that Klansman-looking guy busts out this gun.

He shoots all the players the Cosmic Cheerleaders are with and their cocks go limp. Suddenly, the other team starts using the ball with their hands and winning as no one was telling them they were breaking the rules and the green team lost the game.

Lebron James Would Approve Of The Bad Guys’ Methods Since You Know, It Wasn’t Until The Second Round Of The Playoffs When A Ref Finally Called Lebron For A Lane Violation During His Foul Shooting.

They reveal that their atmosphere was now polluted with impotence radiation and all the men were unable to perform their manly duties so, the women on Strange Planet (yes, that is what it is called) became horny. It was from the science teacher that they learn that if this continues, Strange Planet is doomed to an ice age.

Rotunda explains that the once proud Cock Ball players went into hiding from their shame and haven’t been seen from since. Basically, since they were the natural leaders, they formed S.C.R.E.W, which means Society Cheerleaders to Rehabilitate Erections Worldwide. Flesh then wonders what this has to do with him and Rotunda explains that Flesh is supposed to be in possession of the virile force. Basically, they need him to get rid of the impotency by screwing everyone.

Meanwhile, Flexi is in the middle of finishing a non-sensical joke about lesbianism and swiss cheese. Basically, it is a joke that only the fucking chickens get. Flexi asks if Dale and Flesh have had sex yet (they did in the last movie), and while Dale doesn’t want to talk about, they have bigger problems as they are in an ass-teroid belt.

Lame…

And these ass-teroids all fart.

This is a problem since besides the smell, a meteor is coming, and they could be caught in a deadly explosion if they don’t act quick.

So now they need to plug ass-teroid holes with corks that they have they have for some reason.

They do this a few times, and they find a black (ass-teroid) hole.

As they clog these ass-teroid holes, Flexi explains that this only gives them a delay as the plugs don’t work forever so they have to put the boosts to their ship, which they do and eventually get out of there before the ass-teroid belt explodes.

At the Ice Palace of the Frigid Kingdom…

Looks Ominous

We meet Queen Frigid and Evil Presence.

Yep…Evil Presence Is That Klansman

A maid trips over a human who acts like a dog and falls over with the Queen’s favorite food, Frigid is upset about this, but Evil Presence says he will take care of this and he pulls a lever that sends the maid into a trap door.

Then Master Bator (that’s is name) calls Evil Presence and says he has something to show him.

That’s Bruce Scott, By The Way

The queen has issues with Evil Presence killing the maid like that because good help is hard to come by these days. Evil Presence says that she bitches too much, and she asks why she shouldn’t after all the attention she gets from him, which isn’t much. Evil then asks if she knows how hard it is to make love to her and Frigid says that is not making love. We also find out that Evil Presence is not her husband as her real husband is kind of frozen from an accident while working with Evil Presence.

Evil Presence talks about his wang (hint) being impressive and while Frigid says it was, he is as pathetic as everyone else with the impotence radiation. Evil Presence also says that if Frigid’s husband hadn’t screwed up with the sex ray (another hint as to who this really is), they wouldn’t be in this frozen nightmare. They all go down to Bator’s lab where they see what looks like Bator masturbating to a guy getting beat up by another man in a dog costume, but he is actually cleaning a pipe instead. He tells them that he has detected a virile force on its way. He shows them the scene with the Cosmic Cheerleaders doing their nude aerobics with Flesh Gordon.

Evil Presence is not happy to be seeing Flesh Gordon (third hint as to who is under the mask) while Frigid seems to be turned on by the idea.

Evil Presence plans on taking Flesh Gordon’s dick off of him. Bator also reveals that he has upgraded the impotence ray gun, so they can make everyone impotent across the universe. Frigid seems to hate this idea and thinks they have caused enough havoc, but somehow being a Queen means nothing on this planet as they just do whatever they want. Oh, and Evil Presence wants to be the only virile man in the universe.

Back on the tit ship, they realize that they are somehow losing power with lack of copulating chickens, Flexi then decides that he must make a test which is to open Dale’s jacket to see her tits.

Flexi reveals that he isn’t getting hard over her boobs, so they must have run into some force that is making no one to be able to pop a boner. So basically because of that, the chickens are not copulating which of course means the ship is without power. As they are landing, Flexi brings up the tit ship’s parachute which is a bra.

They land in a city and find out there is oxygen on this planet, so they can breathe.

They find the ship that Flesh was kidnapped in and go aboard. The two enter the school and after a few minutes of kids screwing around with them and having Flexi accidentally enter the bathroom and eventually to a toilet with a woman who has some major pooping issues, they find out that they need to visit Robunda Hooters and the Cosmic Cheerleaders in the gym locker room from a foreign exchange student who also tells Dale about the impotency issues.

Dale finds the Cosmic Cheerleaders, Robunda, and Flesh and is upset by the situation. She chastises Flesh for supposedly cheating on her. She puts the Mind Fucker helmet back on Flesh and goes to go after Robunda before another alien ship freezes Dale.

The ship is commanded by Evil Presence who takes the frozen Dale aboard his ship and tells Flesh that Dale belongs to him now. Flesh wakes up and tries to save Dale but fails. He asks Flexi why anyone would want Dale and Flexi thinks they originally wanted him, despite Evil Presence specifically saying, “the incredibly desirable Earth woman is mine”. Flesh says that voice sounded familiar and he must find Dale. The Cosmic Cheerleaders try to get Flesh, but Flexi delays them with balls.

Flexi and Flesh get away aboard the tit ship that now has power and it is explained why, but I think you would have rather it left as a plot hole.

Yes, Flesh Has Sex With The Chickens

The Cosmic Cheerleaders follow behind in their ship. On the Evil Presence’s ship, Master Bator talks about how Dale’s hotness is melting the ice and he can’t wait to get his hand on her. Evil Presence says he will do no such thing as Dale is his. He says that they will make Flesh come after them and go into the Canyon of Death. Then after their trap is set, Bator can remove Flesh’s penis and transplant it onto Evil Presence. It is now a chase.

Also, One Of The Women Calls Robunda “Rebecca” For Some Reason.

Oh Well, Plot Hole….

Flesh loses the women’s ship by using the tit ship’s apparent lactation weapon.

Yes, This Is A Thing… *Groan*

This causes the Cosmic Cheerleaders’ ship to crash. Flesh and Flexi are happy about losing their tail, so they can now tail behind Evil Presence’s ship. They head to the ice planet as Flesh is about to give the ship, but that is impossible as the chickens have finally gone into post coital sleep.

So, because of this, the tit ship crashes back onto Strange Planet, losing the bad guys’ ship.

At the Frigid Castle, Evil Presence talks about how the Cosmic Cheerleaders really fucked up his plan, which Frigid seems to make fun of him for. Evil Presence then says that she may mock him now, but once he gets Gordon’s sex organ, she will be begging to be pounded by him. She laughs at this and says she kind of doubts it. Then she sees Dale (or the bimbo as she calls her) and wonders what this is about. Evil Presence explains that he is merely keeping her as bait for Flesh. Evil Presence tries to have Dale stay in the room with them, but Frigid will have no such thing and demands she stay downstairs with Bator, which Bator is okay with.

After Frigid leaves, Evil Presence calls her a fat cow and calls Dale a gem. She tells him to get away from her while also saying that when Flesh gets here, he will remove his jaw. Evil Presence is disappointed that they started their relationship on such a negative note as he is such a great guy once you get to know him. Frigid comes back asking if roast beef is good for dinner, and Evil Presence plays it off cool as he says it will be just lovely. She smiles and leaves, while Evil Presence goes back to ogling Dale. Oh, and apparently Bator hates being called Master Bator as he wants to be called Mister Bator.

Back with the crashed tit ship (which is unsalvageable), Flexi is happy to see they have landed in the Mammary Mountains.

Black Boxes…Black Boxes Everywhere

Flexi wants to play on the Mammary Mountains while Flesh just wants to get to Dale, but they will both have to wait as they deal with a monster with a dick on it’s head.

It’s Also Gay And Wants Ass

This causes a problem. Flexi tries to distract it into getting stuck in one of the mountains that has a nipple ring, but he gets stuck instead like an idiot.

Ladies And Gentlemen, I Am Sorry That You Are Seeing This Bullshit

Flesh tries to fight off the monster by fighting on the penis and the monster keeps saying how he has strong hands. Flesh bits the monster, who is pissed by this. Flesh save Flexi and the two run from the now pissed off monster. They also get chased by Robunda & the Cosmic Cheerleaders, who have found them. So, they enter a hole that is in a bush. I’m not going to show this picture as well as the monster putting its head in the hole, which spits out goo. They slide down the hole as the monster is now worn out with the girls sliding in after them. They take this time to make a “Batman and Robin are gay” joke in asking what they see in this stuff. Then there is a random nude woman in a hole that has towels to wipe off that shit.

Thankfully I Was Able To Get A Picture That Requires No Black Boxes In This Scene

Meanwhile, Evil Presence is still trying to get with Dale as he and Bator also operate on a woman and then throw her into the pit, just because they are evil. Evil Presence reveals that they will soon bombard the universe with impotence radiation and prepare it for his coming. Dale is still making insults at him and Bator says that they should change her character with the personality machine. Evil Presence loves this idea.

Meanwhile, Flesh and Flexi find themselves at the G-Spot Café where all the women are topless and all the guys are in baby outfits.

And They Have A Comedian Too…Who Is Dressed Like A Baby

Flesh and Flexi decide to take a seat and get served by a waitress. A fellow patron says since it is their first time here, he would recommend the Bazonga Bomber, which Flexi gets. So what is the Bazonga Bomber, you ask?

This Woman With Giant Knockers…That I Am Black Boxing.

Flexi starts sucking on her tits and of course, he starts reverting into a baby.

Meanwhile the Cosmic Cheerleaders and Rotunda show up and the Cheerleaders find their boyfriends.

Rotunda goes over to talk to Flesh in attempt to get with him, but Flesh is on a mission to save Dale. Rotunda then says that all these men in baby suits are all what was once their Cock Ball team and he needs to help them become men again. He wants help from Bazonga and he threatens a nipple noogie if he doesn’t get some answers.

The Sequel’s Flesh Gordon, Ladies And Gentlemen…He Doesn’t Hate Dykes This Time, But He Does Act Like A Bully At Times.

She tells them all about her missing father Dr. Adam Bomber and she tells them her father was last seen going deeper into the cave.

Flexi Is Being Wheeled In A Crib By Rotunda Now

Eventually Flexi goes back to normal as he feels around for a flashlight. In the dark, Flexi molests Rotunda by grabbing both her boobs and panties as well as Flesh’s junk before finding the flashlight in his own pants. He has appropriately enough, three flashlights.

Meanwhile, Evil Presence and Bator are using the personality machine to make her more amiable. Evil Presence eventually settles on the perfect personality for her: his mom. Of course, his mom was a verbally abusive woman, so Dale is that as well now…well, more than before.

At Least We See Why He Wanted Dale In The First Place

They celebrate by bombarding the Earth with impotence. With Earth now impotent, we see car rocking and voices becoming disappointed. The woman thinks now the man can’t get it up because of her braces and wooden leg. We’ll get back to that joke later because there is more to be had here.

At a school, a teacher wants a student to go up and explain why Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence. He doesn’t want to as he has that awkward moment where he has a boner in class (perfectly normal, yet embarrassing situation). But when the impotence ray hits, his erection goes down and he breathes a sigh of relief before going up to the class.

He’ll Hate This Later

Back to Flesh, Flexi, and Rotunda, they appear to be in part of the tunnel that smells like a rectum. It is this portion of the movie where I had showed a horrified face of Crab from My Name Is Earl.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Meanwhile, Frigid and Evil Presence are watching the news and they now see that Earth is suffering from the impotence ray. Evil Presence notes that when he does something bad, he does it good. Frigid then mocks that he better hope that no one knows how lousy he is in bed or he would be the laughing stock of the universe. Evil Presence then gets on her for bringing up the one thing he has a problem with. He says he will never understand women and Frigid responds that it is because he doesn’t know how to relate to them, but she thinks Flesh Gordon does. We then get this dialogue.

Evil Presence: Fuck Flesh Gordon!!!

Queen Frigid: Oh, I’d like to

He then tells Frigid to not even think about it, as when he is done with Flesh…he will be a dick-less nobody. By the way, this is not yet the scene that caused me to be horrified. I was fine with this.

Flesh and crew find a blockage in a tunnel.

*sigh*

Here we go.

Flesh decides to use his muscles to loosen this blockage and that blockage is these two.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I EVEN HAVE TO BLACK BOX THIS BECAUSE THE SHIT WOMAN HAS TITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE BEEN THROUGH MONSTURD AND SOMEHOW THIS IS WORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE GOGGLES…THEY DO NOTHING!!!!

These…turd people (that is what they are called) reveal that they didn’t realize how fat they were and they got stuck in this tunnel for 102 years. Oh, and they been together since this whole incident as they fell in love while clogging up this passage. Flesh say was that is touching, they must be going. However, the shit man makes them come to meet the rest of the turd people as they will celebrate this occasion. Wait…there is more of them?

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is at this point I am thankful we go back to Bator and Evil Presence. They can not find Flesh now and Bator thinks he might have fled. Evil Presence goes to hit him, but Bator dodges his strikes and Evil Presence falls over. He then gets mad at Bator for not standing still when he is about to hit him. He is now unhappy about nothing ever working out for him. Bator then asks if he still needs Dale since he might not be getting that penis of Flesh’s. Evil Presence calls him a maggot and says he still has fingers.

But alas, we go back to turd people party and it turns out Flesh, Flexi, and Robunda have been tied up and put into pots to be cooked.

Yes, it turns out according to Chief Diareahh (that’s his name), these turds want to make them turds too by eating them, digesting them, and then coming out turds.

He also has his son meet Flesh as his son is a big fan of Flesh’s.

Back with Bator, he tries to sweet talk Dale and Dale wants nothing to do with him. She once again says that if Flesh were here, he will rip Bator limb from limb. Bator gets angry and smashes a skull in anger, he says to forget about that faggot Gordon as she is looking at a real man. He then decides that it is time to molest her. He then straps Dale to the table and wheels her over to his little Octopussy Eater.

It Does Exactly What You Think It Would Do. God Damn This Movie.

Back to the shit party, Flesh says his fiancée has been kidnapped and he doesn’t have time to join their tribe. One of the turds over hears this as the chief is none too happy. Flexi gives the turds some gum and they eat them. Suddenly, it starts rumbling and the turds run.

All, except for one who frees them and reveals that he is what once was Dr. Adam Bomber.

He explains that the turd people have taken him in as one of their own. He explains that they will find the bad guys on the ice planet that is ruled by Queen Frigid. He tells them to take a ship he has just finished to the ice planet. He has to move too and leaves.

Yes, That Is The Ship. This May Be One Of The Most Painful Films I Have Had To Induct. Not The Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen, But Definitely The Most Painful Induction. I Hope You Understand How Much This Movie Hurts Getting Through.

The Cosmic Cheerleaders join up just in time to see them leave in the turd ship. Oh, and they go out of a sphincter, but there is enough pain through this, so I will spare you that image. While in the air, Flexi reveals that the gum was Ex-Lax so that is why the turds had to run. They eventually crash onto the ice planet. Rotunda then shows them the ice palace.

Dale is still suffering at the Octopussy Eater as Bator just gives word to Evil Presence as he just detected a virile force on the ice planet. Evil Presence shows up and says he thought that he was told that Flesh was gone, but Bator says that Flesh may have just been underground. Dale says that she knew her Flesh wouldn’t let her down and they will pay. He has Dale hanged (not by the neck) over a disposal pit when Flesh gets there and reveals that now that he has a chance to get a willy, she and him will have a lot to talk about. She says he might have a shot if he appreciated a woman, which both Evil Presence and Bator find to be boring. Evil Presence then sees the Octopussy Eater and finds it disgusting so he throws it into the pit, which saddens Bator.

Evil Presence says to stop blubbering and tie her up, and if he screws this one up, he’ll have a lot of explaining to do. He says all of this while choking Bator.

If You Are Expecting A Face Turn By Bator, It Happens…But Not For Reasons Of Evil Presence Being An Abusive Friend

Flesh, Flexi, and Rotunda enter the castle and have to hide for a brief second as two of the frigid women go to a room to have sex with each other. Like I said, this Flesh doesn’t want to kill lesbians like he did in the last one. They hear Dale’s whimper and Flesh wants to go inside, but Flexi cautions him to be careful as it may be a trap. But Flesh doesn’t listen as he busts through the door.

Dale is tied up by the legs and lowered to a pit as Flesh just says “Why you” several times.

Evil Presence has them seize Flesh and prepare him for the operation and then as if this might have been out of order, Flesh tells them Evil Presence wins, as long as he doesn’t hurt Dale. Flesh is tied up to a table and Bator prepares to cut his dick off.

Flexi then volunteers to help as he is a doctor (you might remember he did this trick the last time and screwed the bad guys there too, which would be okay…if one of the bad guys isn’t revealed to be a bad guy from the first film). Flesh believes this betrayal and asks how Flexi could do this, who explains that sacrifices have to be made for science. Flexi also tells Bator how he has not entered the Breast Expansion business as that is where the money is, but Bator says that may be for now, but he believes that penis replacement and dong extension will be the new wave of the future (kind of hard to do that if everyone is impotent, but he wouldn’t get why anyway). Flexi and Bator have a bit of a conversation about the fields of science and Flexi puts some liquid into some other liquid which he says will help sterilize the penis once it is removed.

Flexi then suggests they clear the room as they don’t want any infection to come to the member once it is removed. Bator thinks he may be trying something, but Evil Presence agrees with Flexi as he doesn’t want any germs on his new wiener. He also wants Rotunda to stay as he passes her off as an assistant who specializes in sterilization. Everyone else including Evil Presence leaves. Evil Presence calls Frigid to tell him that he is about to have a new shlong for her and he will be a little late for supper tonight as he wants to test it out on the Earth bitch, but Frigid refuses to have him test it out on anyone. Evil Presence relents and only asks Frigid to wear that outfit he likes. He says that he knows it is weird, but his shrink tells him that it is healthy to play up his fantasy. He tells her he will see her later and hangs up, before he says that she is fat bitch.

Back in the lab, Bator reveals that he will first shave the scrotum, then cut it off. The Cosmic Cheerleaders show up and they pretend to have accidentally wondered in hear while they were searching for a hair salon. Suddenly, the good guys try what looks like a contraption you would see in the game of Mouse Trap.

It misses.

Bator sees that Flexi and Rotunda were just fakers, but one of the Cosmic Cheerleaders goes Nakamura and uppercuts Bator in the balls.

Bator gets thrown into the pit.

Bator hangs on and that Cosmic Cheerleader is about to step on his fingers, but Flesh says not to do it as the courts should decide his fate. Flesh frees Dale and it seems Rotunda is into Flexi now.

Evil Presence comes in thinking everything is good. Meanwhile, Flesh and the gang try to make their escape from the castle. The Cosmic Cheerleaders reveal that Flexi gave them a homing device when they were at the G Spot. Flesh realizes that Flexi was only stalling for time and apologizes for doubting him. The issues between Dale and the Cosmic Cheerleaders are still there, but quickly dissolved as they must work together to save the universe. Rotunda also reveals that she has found a man in Flexi, so she has no need of trying to kidnap Flesh.

We hear Evil Presence is searching for them, so they must have a plan as the ice ray will freeze the world and turn all the women into cold bitches in just one hour. We then go back to Earth and that car from earlier as the woman reveals that she also has a glass eye and a sex change operation.

Rotunda reveals that they must get Queen Frigid on their side and when Flesh asks how, we all know the damn answer is he needs to use his virile force to make love to the queen. Dale hates this idea, but Flexi confirms that it is the only way. Flesh also reveals that he will only stick it in half-way if it will make Dale feel better. Dale wants to go with Flesh, but Flexi reveals that this is a man’s work and they must stay in the women’s bathroom to hide.

Flesh enters the queen’s bedroom as Flexi tries to hold off the guards with a freeze gun that he procured. We find out that the fantasy Evil Presence likes is a paper bag over her head.

So, the two begin having sex with the queen thinking it is Evil Presence. After a minute, the Queen removes her paper bag to see that it is Flex she is having sex with. Because the ideas of rape in this occasion are foreign to this movie, she loves it.

Meanwhile, Evil Presence finally gets Bator out of the hole and is extremely pissed about his failure. He then hears the moans of Frigid and realizes that she is having sex with Flesh, which upsets him. After the sex is over, Frigid reveals that her husband was a ray genius who was doing contract work for Evil Presence and the sex ray when a fight took place over the moral uses of it and a tremendous amount of sex radiation was released which caused the impotence. She also reveals that her husband Homer kept the plans for it in a gold box with a green jewel on it. It is hidden, but no one knows where. Evil Presence arrives and wonders if a marriage certificate means anything to her. He asks what kind of woman she is and she says that she is a satisfied one.

Flesh says Evil Presence’s evil plans are over and they fight. It’s an extremely silly fight, but we do find out who Evil Presence is. And if you haven’t guessed by now who it is with all the obvious clues that have been given and it being the same actor, well…I don’t know what to tell you.

It’s Emperor Wang From The First Film With A Mechanical Body

An all-out fight ensues, with members of both sides joining the fray. It also becomes a pie fight.

Because Why Not?

Meanwhile, Frigid takes Flexi to the freeze ray to find a way to stop it. Wang gets electrocuted in the balls but uses that switch from the bed to have Flesh fall into the trap door. But Flesh uses a rope on Wang’s leg to bring him down with him. Now we finally find out what is underneath the castle that so many people have fallen into.

A Giant Spider Web With A Half Woman, Half Spider As The Final Monster. Also This Is Not The First Time I Have Seen This, Although It Is A Better Effect That The CGI Monstrosity That I Saw In Spider Woman: Death’s Web.

Flesh and Wang fight on the spider web and it seems like Wang may win this time, but the Spider Woman doesn’t choose sides as she goes after Wang as he is the only one not hanging on the edge.

Forgot To Mention That One Of This Spider Woman’s Arm Is A Snake. Reminds Me Of Curse 2: The Bite. Yes, I Have Seen Some Awful Crap That I Haven’t Even Inducted Yet.

Dale drops down a sword that Flesh catches and uses it to free himself from the web.

He also swings to the ground and gets the golden box from a Green Jew that is there for some reason.

That’s What His Name Is In The Credits. I’m Not Kidding Here.

Flesh runs into most of the good guys but needs to get this box to Frigid and Flexi since he believes it is the gold box that could fix this whole mess.

It’s Actually A Chest, But This Film Is Almost Over So I Won’t Harp Too Much On It

He comes to the two with the box and asks if Frigid had gotten a Green Jewel confused with a Green Jew. Frigid says that her husband Homer was always thinking of converting. So, they open the box and see what looks like rubber pillow case.

*Groan* It Is Really What You Think It Is

They are confused, and we get this dialogue.

Flexi: What Kind Of Mickey Mouse Logic Is This?

Bator: I Have A Mickey Mouse Degree

That makes no damn sense. Anyway, Bator has turned good (for leniency at his trial and probation with some benefits) and revealed that it is a giant condom that goes on the impotence ray gun.

With the ray gun now cooled off, everyone’s junk becomes erect again and those love birds in that car with the woman having major physical issues and her boyfriend getting it back on.

And She Also Reveals She Has An Artificial Vagina

Frigid’s husband is back to being unfrozen somehow and Frigid asks how they could ever thank Flesh.

They invite everyone to the wedding, but both Flesh and Flexi politely decline as they have some sex to do with their significant others.

Oh, and we get the tease of a sequel as Wang is still alive.

We get this song to play as the credits come.

Oh, and finally we get this.

I’m probably say that there isn’t going to be a sequel to this one not only because it has been 18 years now, but also this movie was not as popular as the first film. This was also Howard Ziehm’s last directorial film and until a film that is being made now that is a documentary on the first Flesh Gordon, he has basically left the film business for good.

Now for my final thoughts. This movie sucked reviewing as it was so much not like the first film, which was despite being a porn film which dealt with me having to use the black boxes a lot, it was fun. The scatological humor was about overdone to the point that you may want to be sick by and if not, at least horrified by. The acting is about as you can expect with the script being given, which basically makes Evil Presence/Wang the only character who is good. I will say the effects aren’t terrible when I consider all the alternatives. I just wanted this induction to be done with and hopefully, I will forget as much as I can about this film.

And finally, I am so so so sorry for having to subject you to what this film is.

Well, that was a huge mistake to start off this summer, so you have anything else you want to horrify me with.

Yeah, I Forgot About That Stuff Or I Would Not Have Made You Induct That Sequel. But I Am Planning Another Sequel For You To Induct Next. So, Get Ready To Delve Into A Dynasty As We Deal With…

Saturday, May 26, 2018

Impact Implosion 5/24 - Matt Sydal vs. Fantasma, Cult of Lee vs. LAX

Saturday, May 19, 2018

Impact Implosion 5/17 - Su Yung Has a Funeral for Rosemary

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Impact Implosion 5/10

Saturday, May 12, 2018

Monster Crap Inductee: Flesh Gordon Meets The Cosmic Cheerleaders (1990)