Monster Crap: August 2017

Monster Crap Inductee: Bikini Jones & The Temple of Eros

Morons…Why Did It Have To Be Morons?

2010

It’s another film from Fred Olen Ray (once again as Nicholas Medina). You might remember Fred from Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold and Teenage Cavegirl. And like last time, Porno Pete here used the damn loophole of a monster being in the film even if it doesn’t feature prominently.

What? You Didn’t Complain Too Much When Teenage Cavegirl Barely Had One.

Probably because in that one, the dinosaur didn’t only show up in the final part of the film. I was almost waiting to yell at you for sending me another film without like you did twice last year, then the monster appeared…making me annoyed because the monster wait would be killing me.

Yeah, that may be true. But at least this film has Penthouse Pet of the Year Heather Vandeven in it.

Thanks for reminding me of that because I have an issue with that cover. You see, this film would make it seem like she was Penthouse Pet of the Year the year this movie came out, especially since her name is on top billing over Christine Nguyen who is the titular character. Except Heather was Penthouse Pet in 2007 and this film came out in 2010. If this was her first foray into porn, that would be one thing, but I went on IMDB and saw 13 movies with her name also attached, 2 episodes of some show called Lingerie, and when this was made, she was doing a show called Life On Top. So very misleading advertising here even if I wasn’t forced to watch this because Porno Pete (despite having the worst record of the teams) still won the damn title and won the bet.

Just like with this movie, I didn’t make the rules. You did and as a customary porn thing to do, I am more than willing to backdoor fuck my way to victory.

Eww…

I guess we have only two people from Monster Crap past and they are both from the same movie. Rebecca Love and Frankie Cullen from Witches of Breastwick 2.

But this time, those two don’t have sex with each other.

Which is actually a surprise, knowing these films like to have everyone in the main cast (who isn’t a bit player) have sex with everyone.

What’s wrong with that?

Nothing, I guess...unless you are just here to talk about the damn plot and of course have to fast forward past the sex scenes because they add nothing to the story. But I will give you one bit of credit in that department, this does promise variety of no two people have sex at the same time more than once.

Ugh…let’s get on to the damn movie before I say anything more positive about porn movies.

We begin with the very generic opening credits that a Retromedia Entertainment film always has.

Yep…Just Generic Opening Credits Although Later On, They Would Have Sex Scenes From The Upcoming Movie Going On In The Background

We go to some fake CGI buildings that is supposed to be the place where the evil Evilla Cruella works at.

Meh….After The Lazy Job With The Erotic Ghost, It’s Not Really Worth It To Complain About This.

Our protagonist Bikini Jones has snuck into Cruella’s main office in what else…

A French Maid’s Attire

She sees that idol that she is looking for while also working for the CIA as its value is immense to National Security.

Yeah, This Generic Idol

Oh and we also see the guy she is working for in Mr. Martin

I Forgot To Mention That The Guy Playing Him, Ted Newsome, Was Guard #1 In Attack Of The 60 Foot Centerfold

Bikini Jones, admits she had to clean three floors of toilet just to get here.

It’s At This Point The Company Needs To Invest In Some Pepto Bismol For Everywhere

Jones is about to steal the artifact when a security guard shows up.

Jones says she is a maid trying to clean the place up and the security guard buys this. So two ladies are in the same room who are relatively attractive in a porn movie, what do you think is going to happen next?

If You Guessed They Would Have Sex, Congratulations….You Have Either Seen One Of These Porn Films Before Or You Could Probably Write This In Your Freaking Sleep

So after fast forwarding, the security guard falls asleep and Dr. Jones steals the idol away.

And That’s The Last You’ll See Of That Security Guard So She Was Either Fired Or Knowing How Villains Work, She Is Dead.

Dr. Jones comes back to Mr. Martin’s office and he tries to persuade her against her plans of keeping the idol for herself as it might be better in CIA hands (knowing what happens later, he isn’t right and he isn’t wrong), but Jones says we keep to the deal and she keeps it at her place to be studied. They also mention that Evilla Cruella is having a cow over this and that somewhere on that idol is the location of the Temple of Eros, which holds the Tiara of Aisha, which gives the person who has that shall be the ruler of the Empire of Moronica. Yeah, basically this is a key to running a bunch of Morons. It is also mentioned that Evilla has millions so why would she want to rule over a bunch of Morons, but….

We Have This As Our President So It Kind Of Kills All Humor Of That Idea

We go to the headquarters of Evilla Cruella…

Cruella meets with her henchman Drago.

I Would Make Ivan Drago Jokes All Day, But This Dragon Is Pronounced Differently So Kinda Loses The Enjoyment. Oh And Yes, Evilla’s Jewel Encrusted Attire Shows Her Nipples So It Is Black Boxed For That Reason

Evilla wants that idol back as it is hers by right of her ancestors. And yes, they make the joke that Evilla was born in Hoboken since her grandfather settled there, but Evilla says her real destiny is the Empire of Moronica. Basically Drago is sent to get the idol and she doesn’t care how he does it. After Drago leaves, Evilla does some horrible acting exclaiming how she will have that idol.

Dear God…..I Rarely Have To Deal A Villain’s Acting This Bad

So we go to Dr. Jones’ place and…

*Sigh* I Knew I Shouldn’t Have Expected An Actual Lab Of Study, But I Was Hoping For Something Better Than Just Her House

And Definitely Not Her Fucking Kitchen. Seriously What Use Is The Kitchen For Studying An Artifact That As You Said, Should Be In A Museum

So yeah, Bikini Jones puts that stuff down and goes to take a shower because it seems she hasn’t showered in weeks.

You Mean As Like Laurel Van Ness, Who In Storyline Hasn’t Showered In Months And Is Still Wearing The Same Wedding Dress She Was Dumped In On Her Wedding Night. Although That Finally Ended Thursday. Yeah, Sometimes Wrestling Is That Stupid.

So the answer is a shower scene.

And A Long One At That

After getting out of the shower, she is met by a woman who says she is Carol from the Department of National Antiquities and Mr. Martin sent her to help Dr. Jones in decoding the idol…and anything else. Bikini Jones says okay and asks her to let her get dressed, but instead she calls Mr. Martin to make sure on Carol. Mr. Martin authenticates Carol’s story so Bikini calls Carol back in……only for a sex scene posing initially as sensuous mongoose message.

This Mongoose Is Not Amused

Meanwhile Drago breaks in to steal the idol in a luchador mask.

AAA, Lucha Underground, and GFW Star Drago Is Not Amused

Drago goes to the kitchen and almost gets the idol, but Bikini Jones wakes up and has him cornered with a gun.

Unfortunately for Dr. Jones, Carol is on the side of the bad guy and knocks out Jones from behind.

Via A Flashlight Shot To The Knee. No Seriously, Carol Didn’t Come Anywhere Close To Her Head When Knocking Her Out

Carol goes with Drago to take the idol and journal as they leave Dr. Jones behind. Back in a random shot of Washington which is where Mr. Martin’s office is, Mr. Martin is upset about Evilla’s goons retaking the idol. But that isn’t the only problem as Dr. Jones’ shot to the knee caused her to suffer amnesia. Well, selective amnesia because sometimes she is able to at time give vivid details about things that happened and sometimes, she can’t even remember her own name.

I Can’t Help It If My Brain Is At My Legs And Not My Head

Dr. Jones even says anyone can be ruler of Moronica with that tiara, even Mr. Martin (that will come to play later). She also thinks that Carol may have been kidnapped by the bad guys. Mr. Martin says it is Dr. Jones’ personal responsibility to get back the idol as this would have never happened if the idol was in CIA hands instead of hers. Dr. Jones tells Mr. Martin not to worry as she placed a small tracker on the idol so they can know where it is, but the tracking unit that would tell them where the idol is broken, but she is getting it fixed.

Yep….I Feel The Same Way Mr. Martin

Mr. Martin promises to get someone to help Dr. Jones as she leaves, but not before telling Martin to make them knock instead of just barging in like Carol did. Afterwards, Mr. Martin calls Martin X, but he will have to wait as Martin X is getting it on with some party girl.

No Seriously, Jayden Cole’s Credit In This Film Is “Party Girl” Despite Never Being At A Party And This Being The Only Scene She Is In.

Wait…Jayden Cole Is In This Film. Hot Damn…I Didn’t Even Know That. I Made A Damn Good Selection Then.

Anyway, fast forwarding through that sex scene, Martin finally gets in touch with Mark X and tells him that he needs to help Dr. Jones. Then we go back to Evilla’s CGI headquarters where she congratulates Drago and Carol for getting her back the idol. She also mentions that Carol’s spy training has paid off. The pages of the journal are unfortunately blank and Carol says they haven’t had a chance to unscramble the book. Okay Carol, there is a difference between the book pages being in a scrambled code and the pages being freaking blank. Unless the person wrote with invisible ink, you are morons….which makes sense since the plan is to take over a place called Moronica.

Evilla says the book is worthless and has Carol go back to Dr. Jones to continue working with her while saying she was kidnapped, which makes sense since Dr. Jones never saw Carol kneecap her (No, I’m not getting over how missed that knockout blow was. It honestly would belong on Botchamania if it was wrestling). Oh and Evilla decides to reward Drago getting the idol back by having sex with him.

Back at Dr. Jones’ place, Bikini is trying to fix the tracking device when Carol shows back up to reveal how she was kidnapped and held at an abandoned warehouse before she was able to escape as they just left her there (that will come back later also). Dr. Jones does find it suspicious that Carol is in different clothes which….

Fair Point

Carol says that she went home first since she was naked after all when they kidnapped her. Dr. Jones reveals that she put a tracking bug on the idol (something that Carol did not know about), but she needs to fix the tracking device before it can work.

Oh Crap…Dragon And I Probably Should Have Checked The Idol For That Before Just Handing It Off To Our Boss.

Mark X comes in after knocking because Dr. Jones asked for that and it is obvious that Bikini Jones and Mark X have a history together which will never be revealed other than Mark X does some CIA boy toy games. Jones tells him to knock himself out with trying to reveal what is wrong with the tracking device as she has to go to the doctor’s to get her head checked on and the doc’s name is Dr. Xavier so prepare for some Dr. X jokes. Oh and if you guessed that Dr. X would be one of the bad guys in disguise,

You Would Be Kind Of Correct, Except For The Whole Disguise Thing. But Remember Dr. Jones Only Saw Him In A Luchador Mask So She Definitely Doesn’t Know This Is One Of The Bad Guys.

After a few doctor jokes and Dr. Jones having to take a pill that will relax her so the exam will go by easier, Bikini starts wanting to have sex with Drago (as Dr. X) and who is he to refuse. So fast forwarding time.

Wait, you won’t even talk about the impressive way Drago wheel barrows her and gives her oral at the same time.

Hell no, but you sure as hell just did.

Also That Horny Owl Was Good With It As Well

Back to the review, basically Bikini Jones passes out so she gets kidnapped by Drago here with the plan to be taken to Evilla Cruella via plane.

Back at the manor, Mark X is able to fix the tracker because it had a bug in it.

Literally A Toy Bug Was In It

Mark plans to give it to CIA and have them take care of it, but Carol thinks they should wait for Dr. Jones to come back since it is her device. Mark says he guesses that would work, but he hates waiting. He gets on the phone with Martin and tells him the plan, which Martin is okay with, but he adds one more thing and we don’t get to hear what he said, just Mark replying that he will take care of it. Carol then has an idea about how the time will go by. It involves sex.

Almost Posted This Pic Without The Black Box, But I At The Last Minute, I Noticed Her Vagina Was Showing. Crisis Averted.

So they have sex.

The Peeping Alien Might Mention That Handcuffs Are Showing Up, But He Doesn’t Have A Mouth Obviously.

So after the sex, Mark reveals to the handcuffed Carol that he was told that they found the real Carol tied up at an abandoned warehouse (told you Carol’s lie that would come back in the story). So yeah, Carol here is going to jail as the agents are coming and Mark leaves with the tracker.

We find out that Drago have Dr. Jones captive via what looks like a dog leash are on in Moronica.

Thanks Movie. Oh And No….We Are Not Going Anywhere Kinky With This. We Got The Handcuffs That Was Kinky Enough.

No, It Isn’t

For me, it is. Anyway, he takes to Evilla’s place.

In A Terribly Placed Church Cut-Out…Which Is Closer To The Terrible Cut-Out Of The Building From The Erotic Ghost

Dr. Jones said the temple looked better in the brochures (which would be strange for a hidden temple to be in), but Drago says it isn’t the temple but instead the place where they will meet Evilla. Dr. Jones says it isn’t exactly a palace and Drago just tells her to shut up and move.

And CGI Dinosaur. Yeah, That Is The Only Reason I Am Bothering With This Movie At All.

It is the fabled Guardian of Moronica that no one has ever seen before and lived to tell about it. They basically run for it, but luckily for them the dinosaur doesn’t seem interested in chasing them. Dr. Jones is taken to see Evilla who wants her to join the evil side. Dr. Jones accepts and to basically ensure this partnership, they have a three way.

Mark X arrives in Moronica and finda Dr. Jones’ hat so he knows he is on the right track. Meanwhile, Dr. Jones deciphers the idol (which reveals the location) and also does a “Who’s On First” style bit with Right and Left. It’s incredibly dumb. Mark is also obviously following them. They scatter at the sight of the Guardian and Mark is able to get Bikini Jones away from the bad guys. They find the temple.

Again, Terribly Placed On

They easily find the Tiara of Aisha.

But they are stopped by the bad guys.

But they are stopped by Mr. Martin in a dress, who reveals that he is double crossing everyone and going to be the Empress of Moronica himself.

Not Kidding And Also Told You That Dr. Jones Mentioning That Even Mr. Martin Could Rule Moronica Would Come Back Later As Well.

He runs with the tiara, but he gets eaten by the Guardian.

You Didn’t Expect It To Look Good, Did Ya?

With the tiara now in the Guardian’s digestive system, Evilla and Drago go to follow it, waiting for the tiara to come out of its ass. Meanwhile, Dr. Jones says she isn’t doing that as she and Mark make out.

And The Movie Ends Before They Have Sex

Boooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

Thankfully in this porn film, everyone is still alive and with this film being a straight to TV film, there is no real aftermath needed so let’s get to my final verdict.

This is a meh movie. I mean, the story is fine and the sex scenes are not boring (before The Erotic Ghost, I would have never considered that in the positives). However, the issues are the bad acting, bad jokes that are not funny, and the effects are not good. It is what it is and doesn’t try to be anything else more or less. Sorry if I can’t go into more specifics but there is really nothing to analyze here as it is just a made for TV movie. Although this would be a movie where the monster is rather fucking pointless as it could be cut out and nothing would change (well, except for Mr. Martin getting eaten).

So we have one more film in this Summer of Porn Part 2 so lay it on me.

Your final film is one that I was a tough choice to make as I had a few options. Of course you killed some of them as you said you weren’t ready to do anything hardcore yet.

Better luck next time on that.

Ultimately it was down to two movies because I like the porn actress in them and also it could deal with either vampires or mummies since last year I had you deal with Frankenstein. Ultimately I went with mummies and the porn actress who was engaged to actor Thomas Haden Church and had two kids with him.

Really?

Yes, really so thus you will be looking at a film starring Mia Zottoli (as Ava Niche because some porn stars had multiple names as credits) called…

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Impact Implosion for 8/24 - Eli Drake Rises to the Top

RIP Tobe Hooper

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Monster Crap Inductee: Bikini Jones & The Temple Of Eros (2010)