Monster Crap: June 2014

Monster Crap Inductee: Teenage Cavegirl
Me Thinks This Film Need More Club Swings To It

2004

Huge thanks to Raymond Gallant of Toon Crap for help with the censored pic.

Well, Porno Pete’s summer continues as we look at another film from the collection of the guy who loves porn more than anyone. The good news this time is that I did not have to go through another film to get the next induction as his choice for this month had an induction. The bad news is it is Teenage Cavegirl, a film that is sadly less enjoyable than Witches of Breastwick.

This film was directed by Nicholas Medina or as most of you know him by who he really is and not this pseudonym, Fred Olen Ray.

Sadly Still Have Had The Chance To Meet Him Again And Get The Autograph I Promised To Get From Him As He Was A Nice Guy

Don’t Forget That Your Induction Of His Film Attack Of The 60 Foot Centerfold Was Where Yours Truly Made His First Appearance On Your Inductions

Yes, I know and I regret you showing up ever since.

Don’t be mad. I give you very interesting information.

You give me your opinions on attractiveness and you tell me who has been in porn while I watching the film, which sadly with watching movies with monsters in them, happens to be a lot.

Anyway, Fred Olen Ray has directed a lot of low grade films and has even dabbled in the world of softcore porn plenty. So of course when Porno Pete was making this list, he just had to pick one of his films.

To Be Fair…I Wanted To Do Dinosaur Island, Which Was A Collaboration In Directing Between Mr. Olen Ray & Mr. Wynowski From Last Induction, But Those DVDs Are Very Rare And Expensive As Hell.

Well, you have what you have and I have to induct it since you won that Fantasy Football bet. Now as far as people from past films or past inductions, the only name I know from the cast is that Jay Richardson is back again from Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold and my last induction, The Witches of Breastwick.

Don’t worry, you won’t see him in any of the other films I have for you to induct. He really only worked with Jim Wynorski and Fred Olen Ray and they were always small roles. Although he did work for other directors earlier on in like the 80s and I have no porn for you to induct from that decade.

Anyway, now that we have all that out of the way, let’s get to the film.

We begin our film with an explosion followed by the opening title crawl surrounded by lightning.

I Would Say Michael Bay Might Be Responsible, But The Explosions Only Played Music…Not Act Like Actual Explosions

And we go to the landscape of what looks like prehistoric times and see probably one of the crappiest dinosaur CGI I have ever seen.

What In The Hell, Guys.

And then we find out it is One Million Years Ago.

I Strongly Doubt We Will See Raquel Welch In A Bikini So Don’t Ask.

By the way, I guess I should also mention that dinosaurs, kind of went extinct 66 million years ago so yeah, you wouldn’t see dinos at this time.

Then it turns to night which makes me wonder what the fuck the point was starting this film off in daytime when nothing happened. We then meet Tahra.

Alright Porno Pete, explain who this is.

That is the extremely attractive and feisty at times Jezebelle Bond. I have seen her in plenty of films like Sex, Secrets, & Betrayals; Sexual Magic; episodes of The Best Sex Ever; Insatiable Desires; Dark Sins; Dangerous Passions; and plenty of films that are numbered from 1 to 83.

Really…there are porn film series up to 83?

As we have shown already…making porn is incredibly cheap and can be made in a few days.

If you make me watch one of those that has a long history, I swear to god.

Relax, man…I don’t even have any on my list for you to induct right now that aren’t sequels. Plus, I would have to give you 1 and let’s be honest, that would be a pain for all of us.

Anyway, this caveman named Tiko shows up.

Got Any History On This Guy.

Seth, he’s a guy. I don’t care what they have been up to, although I can safely admit that I might have seen this guy (whose name on IMDB and on this film is Evan Stone) in other films. Also might have been married to a Jessica Drake in the past. But hey, he’s a guy and I only dig chicks, not dudes.

Anyway….they have sex.

After the sex, Tahra gets up and looks around the area. Tahra of course passes a Tricerotops.

Yes, I Know My Dinosaurs…Pretty Much The Basics By Heart, But I Know Them.

Tiko sees that Tahra is no longer around and wonders where she went.

And Yes, He Looks To Be Surfing On A Rock

By the way, I am going to get shit if I fail to mention this, but yes…they shot this stuff on Bronson Canyon in California. I say I would get shit if I didn’t mention this because Bronson Canyon is pretty much a go-to place for shooting films and TV series for many studios. Many big films and series have been shot here and many famous low budget directors have shot stuff here.

And Of Course Robot Monster Was Shot Here

Tahra finds the fakest looking dinosaur footprint I have ever seen.

Really Teenage Cavegirl? You Couldn’t Have Just Dug A Hole And Make It Look Like A Footprint. You Had To Badly CGI It In There So It Looks Like You Just Drew It On The Ground?

And we see a giant scorpion that has killed what looks like a horse.

And then we meet the T-Rex.

Bahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Are You Sure I Am Not In A Sega CD Game?

Tahra throws her spear and…

And Misses. How The Hell Do You Shoot Over A Target That Big?

With no way to defend herself, Tahra sees a conveniently placed portal.

Yeah, I Don’t Know Why I Am Here Either

Tahra then decides that whatever is on the other side of the portal is safer than here and she goes through it.

And luckily for her, she doesn’t wind up in some world where she cannot breathe, but instead ends up in the same place as she was at, but now in the present.

By the way, enjoy that T-Rex as that is the last time you will see any dinosaur or monster whatsoever.

Tiko is of course building a hatchet out of sticks and stone

Sticks And Stones Are Gonna Do More Than Break Your Bones Now

A random dog shows up and Tiko decides to chase it without the hatchet.

In the present…

You Could Have Just Said Present And You Would Have Saved A Few Bucks And Time.

Anyway, these two are Richard and Sharon and….you have anything on these two.

Only thing I know about the guy is IMDB calls him Voodoo for some reason and the fine young lady is Danielle Petty (aka Kennedy Johnson). Seen her in an episode of Erotic Confessions, two episodes of Hotel Erotica, an episode of Black Tie Nights, Genie in a String Bikini, an episode of Hotel Erotica Cabo, Bewitched Housewives, and an episode of Sin City Diaries. She is actually very pretty and seeing some of her posts on IMDB, she seems actually nice and down to earth. Although truth be told she doesn’t want to do much porn anymore and would like to not talk about it.

Is she one of those who writes her bio?

No, why the hell would you ask that?

Because some actress who I have previously inducted one of her films on the site did just that and basically it was a giant hype job.

That seems sort of vain

It was and it still bugs people she did that.

Anyway, Richard over here tells Sharon to look at this and her response is this.

Sharon: How fascinating…it’s a rock.

Basically there is some playful banter between the two. Sharon also hears some strange noise from the portal that Tahra came out of. Sharon asks Richard if they should go investigate, which the guy agrees, but he doesn’t want to stay too long as he believes they are making progress on these rocks.

Sharon Is Just Giving Him The “Bitch, Please” Look

Sharon says it will only take a second to which Richard just says fine with and admits that the stuff has been here all this time, they probably still will be here when they get back. Tahra runs away and runs into an RV and instead of attacking it like what normally people would do, thinking it is some kind of monster. She just taps at it.

Richard and Sharon see the portal and are amazed by it.

Richard thinks on a hunch that it might be one of those black hole vortexes that he has read about in a comic book. Well, it is most certainly not a black hole since black holes (even the smallest ones) are basically bigger than the planet Earth and are millions of years away. Richard bets that this is a dimension to another world or dimension.

Meanwhile, Tahra goes inside the camper.

Me Thinks Tahra Is Not A Real Cave Woman

She then says “Tahra Scared” before hiding under the covers.

Definitely Not A Cave Woman

Richard and Sharon decide to go back to the RV as they have done enough exploring for today and wouldn’t ya know it?

They Have Sex While Tahra Watches

Originally I thought these two were just co-workers, but the more the film goes on, I guess they are either dating or married (they never really say). Anyway, after the sex, they see that Tahra is there and act like any normal person would when they see that someone has seen them in a moment of raw intimacy: they freak out.

When asked what she is, Richard immediately jumps to the conclusion that she is a cave woman who came out of that portal. While correct, his immediate deduction of this is strange considering that the actress Jezebelle Bond has tattoos that no way come from pre-historic time so for all they know, she could be some runaway living off the wild or something.

They of course eventually decide to be friendly and are eventually able to get her to say her name is Tahra. Being the scientists that they are, they decide that they have made a real archeological discovery and take her home. Sharon does decide to do this because as this is a porn film, she is pretty.

Oh Yeah…I Am Sooo Having Sex With That Cave Girl

When asked if she wants to go home with them, she shrugs.

Highly Doubt Cave People Knew What Shrugging Meant

They then leave and head to their house.

Strongly Doubt That Archeologists Make Enough Money To Afford That Type Of House

They basically show Tahra around and leave her by the TV. Of course, they are showing trailers to actual movies but I cannot be certain. While watching TV, Richard and Sharon talk about what they should do while Tahra changes the channels a bunch of times. Richard tells Sharon the plan is for her to clean Tahra up and put her in some of her clothes while he calls Professor Matthews and get him to come over here. Sharon says she will try, but if Tahra bites her, they are gonna have trouble. They go to Tahra, who having watched TV now has picked up lingo from commercials (even though all she has watched are move trailers and not commercials for products).

Sharon takes her upstairs while Richard calls Matthews. Of course Professor Matthews is our old pal Jay Richardson.

Richard tells him about the discovery and Matthews is intrigued enough to come over. Meanwhile, Sharon shows Tahra how to take off clothes and they of course take a bath and have sex while in the bath.

This Is Basically The Best I Can Give You Without Showing Naughty Parts

Meanwhile Tiko has seen the portal and goes through it to see if Tahra did as well.

He goes through the trees and in what I guess was a scene that somebody decided to keep even though I think the actor was goofing around. Tiko screams and has a stilted walk while having two tree branches high in the air, basically acting like a tree monster. Then he stumbles and falls, doing a log roll.

I Think It Is Rather Redundant For Me To Say This About This Scene, But What In The Blue Hell, Movie?

Tiko then sniffs around, puts some of the dirt in his mouth, spits it out, and says that these are tire tracks.

I Doubt This Guy Is A Caveman Either For Knowing What Tires Are

That night back at the house (that is basically a mansion), Professor Matthews shows up with another girl, whose name is Cynthia.

That is of course the lovely Nicole Sheridan. I have seen her in Bikini Chain Gang, The Witches Of Breastwick 2, Bikini Pirates, Genie in a String Bikini, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Bikini Girls From The Lost Planet…

Yeah, I get it…she has been in a lot of films you have seen. Anything else?

My personal opinion is her face may be a bit unattractive, but her body is stacked. Also she is married to that guy that isn’t Jay Richardson in real life.

Ah....what a coincidence as in this film, they used to be former lovers before something made them now can’t stand to be around each other. It is kind of hinted that she left him for the Professor over here, but I’m not going to guarantee that because as he is a professor and ex has a place that looks like a mansion, it would be safe to say that she made a bad move.

Anyway…it seems that the Professor understandably does not believe that Richard has found a real cave girl, but is willing to entertain the idea. Basically, they both would rather have martinis over cocktails although Professor Matthews request is rather interesting.

Prof. Matthews: I’ll have my martini shaken, I’ll have another martini stirred, and then another one shaken and stirred.

Obviously While Professor Matthews Does This, He Wants To Be Drunk

Oh and after Richard says that he will see what he can do, Professor Matthews then says that he would prefer to have each of them in a dog dish.

You Better Not Give Me Those Pansy Ass Glasses

In the living room, they set up some machine that will monitor Tahra’s though patterns to see if it is real.

Meanwhile Tiko is still following the trail and runs into a car.

Alright Tiko, I’m Gonna Have To Give You A Ticket For Inattentive Running.

Anyway, inside the car is of course, two people having sex.

That is real life married porn couple Trevor and Lezley Zen. Don’t know much about Trevor seeing as I don’t follow male porn stars that much. But I have seen Lezley in plenty of stuff like 3 episodes of The Best Sex Ever and an episode of Sex Games Vegas, and….damn, I guess I haven’t seen her in as much as I thought.

Anyway, they have sex and eventually see Tiko peaking. The lady screams and Tiko runs before the guy decides to get out of the car and kick his ass for being a peeper. Sharon comes down with Tahra and runs into Cynthia and the men show up to begin this experiment. Prof. Matthews tells both Cynthia and Sharon to not under any circumstance disturb them. So Sharon decides to show Cynthia her new nightie.

Meanwhile, Tiko has found the house and while breaking in through an open screen, gets his hand stuck for a second on of the blinds.

He sees a fruit arrangement and grabs all of the fruit.

Aww…Now We Have Our Human Version Of Yoshi

Back in the experiment room, we see that the machine is set up and ready to go with Tahra. And what do Tahra’s thought patterns involve?

Why…Footage From 1977’s Planet Of The Dinosaurs

They celebrate that they have found proof of a real cave girl.

Meanwhile, Cynthia and Sharon plan to have sex and of course, Tiko comes in so they decide to make it a three-way.

We’re Having Sex But You Aren’t Allowed To See It On This Site And These Black Boxes Make Sure You Don’t Even See Sharon’s Tits Through This Nightie….Ha Ha!!!

Dammit….my site has become self-aware. Nooooo!!!!!!

After the sex, the two women sleep and Tiko leaves to find Tahra. Matthews says that this is the greatest discovery of the 21^st Century so everyone should now get some rest.

That night, Matthews conspires with Cynthia to steal Tahra away from Richard and Sharon so they can make all the money in the discovery and drain all the information out of Tahra’s brain and present it as his own. You know, Matthews, you could just kidnap Tahra and reveal her to the world, making millions of dollars off the fact you have a live cave girl. Matthews decides that he will dress as a caveman and lure Tahra outside so they can kidnap her. And what caveman disguise does he have?

You Have Got To Be Kidding Me.

Unfortunately this plan works and they are able to kidnap Tahra and take her to Matthews lab, but unfortunately for them, both Tiko see this and they made enough noise for Richard and Sharon to wake up and see that Tahra is gone.

They start draining the information out of her while mention that after they are done, she might not be able to do much of anything anymore.

They turn the machine on and the more information they drain, the more seizure looking she becomes. Unfortunately, they have some bad news.

Yep, Tiko Stowed Away In The Car And Is Now Seeing What They Are Doing

Tiko then attacks.

Cynthia gets on the phone and calls Richard and Sharon. She confesses to the whole thing that Prof. Matthews forced her to go along with his evil plan and they might need to get here because Tiko stowed away and is now causing havoc. We then see that Matthews is getting a taste of his own memories.

Richard and Sharon get there and are able to turn off the machine, but are too late to save Prof. Matthews from basically being so devoid of brain activity that he doesn’t know how to go to the bathroom anymore.

They all decide that Tahra and Tiko don’t belong in this world so they forgo the million dollar discovery so they can send the two back to their own time. While driving, we get a four way with Tahra, Tiko, Cynthia, and Sharon all having sex in the back while Richard drives, not knowing what is going on in the back.

Yep….I In No Way Know That There Is An Orgy Going On In The Back. I Hate Driving…

They head back and see that the time portal is still there.

Really?? Because If I Didn’t Know Any Better, I Would Say Someone Else Would Stumble Upon This And They Would Be Making A Discovery Of A Lifetime Considering This All Happened Within 24 Hours Or More.

Tahra and Tiko go back to their own time and then we get the big twist. Tahra and Tiko are actually people from the future who are on time vacation. Oh and the time portal is of their own doing as they have the remote to turn it off the whole time.

Are You Fucking Kidding Me With This Bullshit?

You mean they could have not done gone through any of the crap we went through because they controlled the damn time portal.

Oh and they turn it off, basically saying the remote is more trouble than it is worth before leaving it.

Oh But Don’t Worry About The Remote Being Found Years Later By People Because The Damn Thing Disappears For No Reason.

Then we see the two go back to their flying machine and the film is all over.

Definitely An Effect That Looks Like A Cardboard Cutout Than A Real 3 Dimensional Spacecraft

This twist ending sort of works since it does explain the fact cave couple knew to get into vehicles, were in the same time as dinosaurs, could parrot English in some way as most cave people couldn’t even do that, the fact that Tiko knew what tire tracks were, and in some way does explain the vortex that was there. However, what it doesn’t explain is why the vortex would be randomly there at all, the fact that they still act like cave people even when they don’t need to as no one is around, them not fucking up timelines by going to the past, the fact that Tahra would go with Prof. Matthews stupid disguise, and the whole not going back into the portal until the very end. It seemed they had some idea about this being the twist, but not really sure they were going to use it which causes basically a whole mess.

This film overall is probably of a less quality than Witches of Breastwick, even I wasn’t a big fan of that film either. Like most of these films, I feel the fact they are using modern times is more of an excuse to save money than a case of it being an idea. The guys in this film are hit or miss with Evan Stone (who plays Tiko) actually seeming to have actual charisma and having fun while doing this, while Jay Richardson just seems to be there to collect a paycheck and the Voodoo guy just acting like a complete unknowing idiot. The women, well…are attractive, but more in that porn style way, except for Danielle Petty (who played Sharon) who seems like a normal actress, which is probably why she can get guest spots in stuff that has nothing to do with the fact she was in porn. The effects…were just bad in the fact that you would probably get better effects on a Playstation 1. And other than the sex scenes which I just fast forward through and the times that Evan Stone acts like someone who seems to be having a good time, this film felt boring and like I said, the twist really wasn’t fully done to make sense.

So now that I am done with Teenage Cavegirl, what is next?

Next up is a film that was oddly enough the first porn film I ever saw. It is a film done by a director who I am surprised you haven’t had his film inducted onto your site since nowadays, he makes crap where he doesn’t even try to be anything more than make a few bucks. But this is a film that was made where the director was still trying. I give to you a title that you wouldn’t know was porn by the title, but watching the film, you’ll know that porn is in it. It is called...

The Killer Eye

Friday, June 27, 2014

Seth & Mike's Impact Implosion for June 26th, 2014

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Monster Crap Inductee: Teenage Cavegirl (2004)