Monster Crap: September 2013

Monster Crap Inductee: Seed
Bury This Film Underground Like Real Seeds

2007

Folks, here we go. We are about to review a film that I put in the worst kind of film genre. The genre of “Fuck you” movies. What are those, you ask? Well, they are films that you are not supposed to be entertained by. They are films that no matter what, the filmmaker is telling you flat out to go fuck yourself. If you like it, the filmmaker is saying “fuck you, you are supposed to like this”. If you don’t like or just straight out detest it (I straight out detest), the filmmaker is telling you “fuck you, you’re not supposed to like this and writing a bad review makes me happy”. Ladies and Gentlemen, these are not documentaries and are not films based on true stories, which I would understand because they actually happened in most cases. These are films where someone made a whole bunch of shit up and you have to wonder what kind of jackass filmmaker we are watching. In 1997, Michael Haneke did this sort of film in Austria called Funny Games. In 2007, he released a shot for shot American remake with the same name.

Both Are Reprehensible And Thankfully, I Will Never Have To Induct Either Of Them Thanks To There Being No Monsters In Them. Sadly This Director Was Nominated For Best Director Just This Year For A Movie Called Amour.

But sadly, I can’t say the same for this film because Seed is sort of an indestructible monster so you know what, I have to review it. And it is of course made by the master troll filmmaker himself, Uwe Boll.

Don’t Act Like You Are Surprised…

Yes, before we have railed on Uwe Boll for making terrible films based on video game properties that are liked by people, which do have their own stories and mythologies, because Uwe always decides to well make whatever the hell he wants with those properties and hope that people who liked those properties would be suckered in to watch his movies. Actually, it was a win-win situation for him because even if they bombed, there was a German law that would give you a tax exemption if the film well, bombed. So this sort of gig must have been great for Uwe Boll and of course, if you hated his films, he would challenge you to a boxing match. I have already made my position clear that I will do no such thing with Mr. Boll’s game and that is that.

So for Uwe Boll’s first original film in years (from 2002 – 2007, he did nothing but movies based on video game properties), he decided to do this movie which would be shot back to back with another video game property, Postal. And sadly, it is worse than any of those previous video game properties.

This movie stars 80s star Michael Pare (The Philadelphia Experiment, Eddie & The Crusiers 1 & 2) and Uwe Boll actor Will Sanderson (who was in all my previous Uwe Boll inductions) as the killer Max Seed. This would also be Will Sanderson’s last work with Uwe Boll and his second to last movie before I guess retired since he hasn’t done anything since 2008. But yeah, nice knowing your last work with Uwe Boll was this travesty. Oh and it has Jodelle Ferland, who was Sharon/Alessa from Silent Hill.

Yep, She Was The One Who Was Screaming “Silent Hill!!”

And Later Would Want To Hug You While She Is On Fire

Several of these people were also in past Uwe Boll films that I have sadly inducted like Tyron Leitso (who played Simon in House of the Dead), Michael Eckland (who was Hugh in House of the Dead), & Ed Anders (who was James Pinkerton, the guy who fought Christian Slater at the beginning in Alone In The Dark)

With that out of the way, it is time to end this nightmare that has been keeping me up at nights, cursing its existence.

Before we begin, I should mention that the DVD of this film also comes with a short called Criticized, where a filmmaker takes revenge and torture a critic who savaged his movie. Even better, we are supposed to side with the filmmaker and at the end, the critic changes his review from 0 stars to 3 and a half stars (out of four), and the filmmaker decides to torture him again because he didn’t get the full four stars. Fuck that bullshit. So let’s get to the actual movie, which I have been hoping never to review, but thanks a lot NegaSeth.

You’re Welcome…..

I was being sarcastic, you asshole.

I know…

Sigh…..let’s just get this done already.

We first start off with a warning of graphic footage that was taken from the archives of PETA, meaning we get footage of real animal torture. Just to save you all the headaches, I will not show the footage because even I have no understanding why this shit is in this film except to show that this serial killer is insane in the membrane.

Insane In The Brain!!!

Thank you Cypress Hill. We also get a wall mess from our killer Max Seed.

Well, If That Were True To Mr. Max Seed………….Why Don’t He Just Kill Himself.

I know it is not nice for me to tell people to go kill themselves, but if you see what this character does later on, you would have no problem telling this SOB off. Oh and I will show one thing from this opening where Seed watches this crap.

Seed Looking Quite Retarded. Seriously, You Would Be Waiting For Him To Say Something Like “Derpty Derp”, But See, This Seed Character Doesn’t Speak One Word In This Whole Movie.

And then we get our title screen.

You Sure You Want To Continue? Well, Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You.

We then get this bullshit state law that is supposedly in the 70s because that is when this film takes place in.

Just So You Know, I Looked This Up Online And From What I Can See, No State Law Like This Ever Existed.

By the way, I would like to add that it is the stupidest state law to ever exist. I know there are a few people who have been given the electric chair who were innocent, but most of the people given it quite honestly did what they did and deserved it. As you will see, this is one of those guys who isn’t innocent whatsoever.

We then see a guy get electrocuted and the executioner is very adamant about this being his last execution because he is rather getting sick of doing this. The taller Warden Arnold Calgrove says that he has given him recommendations and promises this will be his last execution.

We then meet Detective Matt Bishop (played by Pare) as he is having a nightmare about Max Seed being allowed to kill a baby on the bus without anyone else except him having a single problem. We then see Seed in a prison cell while Arnold looks at the case. While looking at the case, we see that Seed has killed 666 people (get it….666. Ah what the fuck ever). One of his underlings comes in with mail and sadly, approval of the new electric chair has not been passed yet and because they have to execute Seed next week, they will have to use the old one.

The warden then goes to Seed’s cell to ask him if he has any last wishes, any last meals, or any if he would like to see a priest, which Seed just stays silent. We then go back to Detective Bishop who is watching a tape sent in of Seed starving several things to death.

A Cockroach (Which As You Can Imagine Is Hard As Hell To Do

A Mouse

A Dog

Don’t Worry, Lady Maili…..This Director Lives In Germany So You Have Nothing To Worry About

But then it gets to its worst point and a point that pissed me off that I have to stop the movie and take a fucking shower for seeing.

Max Seed Starves A Baby To Death…

Let me repeat that: Max Seed…..starves….a baby…..to death.

You do not even begin to know what it was like watching this shit. You do not even know how clenched my teeth were as I said this. This is fucking repulsive. I understand trying to shock the audience, but when you show footage of a baby starving to death with the crying non-stop, you have borderline made a snuff film in my eyes…which is not shocking anyone, but rather showing the audience what kind of sick, repulsive person you really are. And if you want ANY likability for Seed, it is gone and you know the ONLY way to fix this is to have Max Seed be killed. Let’s continue….

Matt Bishop is just as repulsed by this as we are and when we get to him starving to death a beaten and battered woman, the impact has gone fucking numb.

To any battered and beaten woman who may be reading this, I sympathize with you for what you have gone through and you may want me to be angrier about this, but after watching him go so long on having a baby starve to death, all of my feeling for this is gone. Through the rest of this movie, any further action has caused me to go numb and the only reason I kept watching is to see this mother fucker die. But to the rest of you, I warned you that this film is repulsive so now I would now like to say that until the ending, a lot of my anger and jokes will feel rather numb in comparison to before because this movie has broken me, but for the rest of you who want to know how this leads to the end, let’s continue.

They then go on a road that isn’t on any map they have and find Seed’s house. The cops all have 50 dollar bets on which one gets to nail the SOB so every one of them has a reason to be careless. This of course proves to be one cop’s undoing because Seed has the place booby-trapped.

Oh I Wish It Was That Type of Booby Trap, But It Isn’t…..

It’s This Type Of Booby Trap

Another cop gets killed by Max Seed himself which it is too dark to see how they die, but from the noises the weapons make you can guess that one cop got drilled to death. Another cop gets stabbed. Another gets decapitated because through the dark, Matt finds his head.

Decapita……Nope, Not Doing It For This Movie. This Movie Has Not Earned The Right For Me To Have Fun With A Decapitation.

Another cop goes outside and finds the outside cop dead so he goes back inside to warn the others. While going up to the attic, Seed finds and kills him so only Detective Matt Bishop remains. Seed tries to kill Matt outside, but Matt senses him and beats the shit out of him. Matt then tells Seed that he can kill him now, but he doesn’t and instead knocks him out so he can arrest the serial killer.

We then go back to what I guess is the present since Seed is locked up in jail, awaiting execution (this film doesn’t have any sense of time so you have to guess what happened when). Oh and if anyone gives me the argument of Seed being like Freddy Kruger because Freddy killed kids too, I would like to give you these two arguments against that. 1) Until Freddy vs. Jason, you never saw Freddy ever kill a kid and you just know he did, and 2) Freddy had a personality that people could find likable. Seed doesn’t say one mother fucking word throughout this whole film and shows nothing that could make him likeable. He is just some dipshit in a mask and that is all.

Even The Remake Version Of Freddy Krueger Is More Likeable Than This Asshole

While there, Seed is about to be gang-raped by some guards, but he fights back. He breaks one guard’s arm, stabs another guard in the eye, and kills the third by ramming his head into the cell, curb stomp style. And then Seed just goes and sits back down.

They then try to give Seed some backstory that as a child, he survived a fiery bus crash, but part of his face is scarred beyond repair. But it really serves no purpose other than to explain why he has the mask on because you never do get to see him unmasked.

It is execution time as Matt rides a boat to the island prison where they keep Seed and members of his victims get to see his execution. The executioner complains about how Calgrove promised he was done with executions and how the electric chair they have is too outdated. But all of his complaints fall on deaf ears as Calgrove just tells him to get the job done. Calgrove asks Seed as he is being strapped in if he has anything to say or any apologies to make to the victims’ families. Of course, Seed once again is just silent so they start to begin. They remove his mask so that the audience at the execution can see his face, but we never do. They show a bit of disgust by what they see and then they put another mask on the guy.

The first jolt of 15,000 Volts for 45 seconds is done and yet when the doctor looks at Seed’s heart, he says that Seed is still alive.

The second jolt is done and when the doctor checks him, he whispers to Calgrove that he is still alive. Knowing that if the third attempt fails, Seed is set free (thanks to that bogus law that for all I know never existed), they say Seed is dead so everyone leaves. Matt knows that Seed is still alive, but he goes along with the ruse as they then take his body and bury him alive.

And here is my problem with that. If every one of the audience is gone except the people in on the ruse, they should make sure that Seed is dead by electrocuting him until he is dead. If anyone comes and say that hey, Seed was given more than the allowed volts, then that could be blamed on faulty equipment because they had already stated that the damn chair was outdated and you could kill two birds with one stone in ridding the world of this killer and showing proof that the electric chair needs to be replaced. Perfect plan, huh?

Well, it was too perfect to even come to their small brains and of course a prisoner knows Seed was buried alive and Seed himself rises from the grave.

Really Zeus, This Is The Asshole You Want To Rise From His Grave?

One of the prisoners notices Seed and tries to talk to him, but Seed, being the sympathetic character that he is, ignores this guy.

We then meet Matt Bishop’s wife, Sandra…

And his daughter, Emily (played by Jodelle Ferland)..

Eating Popcorn Out Of A Bowl That Looks Like a Caserole Should Have Been Made In That Damn Thing Instead

Or A Dog Bowl For The Beast Known As Hercules From “The Sandlot”

Back at the Alcatraz looking prison, Seed decides to kill the three colluders who just so happen to be at the prison, starting with the executioner who wanted nothing to do with the execution.

And Seed does what the colluders should have done after everyone who wasn’t in on it had left. Electrocute the guy and leave it on.

It Is Quite Clear That Seed Only Is Alive Because The People Who Colluded To Bury Him Alive Are Dumb As Fuck.

Seed then decides to kill the doctor who allowed Calgrove to say Seed was dead, when he wasn’t….by buting off his lip, dragging him under his own bed, and killing him there.

The Follow-Up To “There’s An Alligator Under My Bed”, “There’s A Seed Under My Bed” Surprisingly Did Not Sell As Well

Seed then decides to go after Calgrove and I just noticed something.

Arnold Calgrove Looks A Lot Like A Young Bruno Sammartino

There is a knock at Calgrove’s door and the warden decides to answer the door without even asking “who is it”. But instead of it being a land shark…

Which Would Have Actually Been Funny And Made Me Enjoy This Movie A Bit

It Is Just Seed Who Impales Calgrove To A Wall

Matt Bishop wakes up in the middle of the night and when Emily asks what is wrong, her father confesses that a bunch of men did something he knew was wrong, but he did nothing to stop it. He is of course mentioning here that he has a guilty conscience over letting the others bury Seed alive. You know what get rid of that guilty conscience, Matt?

Watch Seed Starve A Baby To Death!!!

Yeah, after seeing that, I would just laugh at myself and say that the jackass got what he deserved. Seriously, you have no idea how unsympathetic I am towards this serial killer for being wronged by other people. And I don’t think any normal human being is going to feel sympathy for this shithead as well.

Meanwhile Seed swims out of the prison island (because you know, unless this guy was superhuman, he could so do this after having his brain fried).

The next day, Matt Bishop investigates the murders at the prison island and covers up the fact that Seed was able to dig his way out of the grave. Back at the police station, we obviously see news clippings that there is murders committed the same way Seed did (which could be anything since Seed staved people to death, and basically had no MO for how he killed people). It becomes so apparent now that there is no way we are supposed to sympathize with this guy because he goes back to doing what he was doing as if nothing happened.

Matt Bishop then gets a talking down to from his higher up named Davis who wants Seed captured and even mentions that maybe he should have saved everyone a headache and put a bullet in Seed’s head when he captured him. We then get to see a long scene of Seed beating a bound woman to death with a chisel.

This is a scene that I have also had to fast forward, not for uncomfortability like the baby starving, but because it is freaking pointlessly long.

While Matt is still looking over case files, Seed decides to visit the house of Bishop’s family that is being guarded by four cops.

In Broad Fucking Daylight

Bishop is then given a tape that was found in booking.

It Is A Tape That Shows His House

Matt then makes the easy assumption that Seed knows where he lives and heads to his house. When he gets to his house, he doesn’t find his wife and kid, but he does find four dead cops in the bathtub.

Funny How All This Blood For Four Cops Is In The Bathroom And Everywhere Else Is Spotless; Either Seed Is A Damn Good Cleaner Or More Likely, Someone In Film Making Doesn’t Know How Much Blood Would Be Left By Brutally Murdering Four People.

Matt then guesses that Seed has kidnapped his family and rushes to the place he guesses (correctly) they are being held: Seed’s home. Oh and instead of calling for fucking backup, Matt decides to go to Seed’s place on his own. I would like to add that with no backup, Matt decides to inspect the house. He goes to where Seed’s dungeon is, but all he finds is a TV with a camera on it.

Matt gets locked in the room and the TV turns on showing Seed with his wife and daughter.

They have the same camera/TV set on the other end as well so they can see Matt and interact with him. You know, this movie is supposed to take place in the 70s, but I don’t know if that technology of two way communication with this stuff was created yet and I certainly don’t think some backwoods bum fuck like Max Seed would have this technology. Anyway, Seed apparently talked to his daughter somewhere because Emily blurts out that Seed wants Matt to blow his own brains out. Matt tries to negotiate the killer coming in there himself and doing the deed so Seed…

Shoots His Wife Sandra In The Head With A Nail Gun

Matt, in complete grief over what Seed has done, takes the gun to his own head and shoots himself.

So you think Seed let’s his daughter go with his revenge sated and all the people who colluded to bury him alive killed, right?

Instead, Seed decides to take Emily to the dungeon where her father’s body is at and wait, wait wait….

His Eye Fucking Moves.

Matt Bishop is clearly supposed to be dead and yet his eye fucking moves. Dead people’s eyes don’t move. This is like that one moment in Alone In The Dark that I clearly missed and Nostalgia Critic didn’t, where one of the dead soldiers when people go around her, moves her head. It’s obviously Uwe Boll doesn’t give a shit about his actors being acting completely dead so let’s continue.

Seed leaves Emily in the dungeon…..

To Presumably Starve Her To Death Or Have Her Eat Her Father’s Corpse, Which Will Go Rotten In A Short Time.

And that is how we end this piece of horseshit, the fuck face killer known as Max Seed lives and every person, even the truly sympathetic ones, fucking dies. Congratulations, Uwe Boll just gave you the middle finger.

As If He Didn’t Already.

Let’s go to the aftermath. Michael Pare (who is Matt Bishop) is still slumming it with bad movies and even worse, is still working with Uwe Boll on terrible films that will no doubt be inducted into Monster Crap in the future. Will Sanderson (who played Seed) has only been in one other film (a bit role in Revolutionary Road) after this. Almost everyone else has done not much that is notable besides several being in other Uwe Boll films except two people. Don S. Davis (who played Davis) died on June 29, 2008 of a heart attack.

But we will be seeing more of Jodelle Ferland on this site that spotlights bad movies involving monsters because besides being in Silent Hill (which will get inducted eventually), she worked with Boll again in Bloodrayne 2: Deliverance, and was the vampire Bree in Twilight: Eclipse. But she has done some good work as well as she made an appearance as Patience Buckner in The Cabin In The Woods, and does some good voice work like being the Little Sister in Bioshock 2, and was the tragic Agatha “Aggie” Prenderghast in ParaNorman.

Because Uwe Boll is the troll that we know him as, Seed 2: The New Breed is sadly in development, but he won’t be directing this one, but since he is producing it, you can bet your bottom dollar that it still will suck.

There really is not much more I can say that tells you that I despise this movie. In fact, this may shock a lot of you, but this film to me, is worse than The Thing prequel which makes it in my mind, the worst movie I have ever inducted into Monster Crap. There is no redeeming value to this movie whatsoever. And to those of you who say this isn’t supposed to be entertaining in your defense and is some means of art in your defense of this film, I have this to say.

Suppose you are doing a creative writing essay and you do something like this that basically says to the teacher who is grading this that you are a bad person for reading this whole thing and you can go fuck yourself. They are not going to give you an A. More than likely, you will fail and then get sent to the principal’s office for this crap and then get sent to a guidance counselor to deal with your shit. And then your parents will send you to a psychiatrist because you are clearly fucked in the head. You could argue what you are doing is art, but the truth is that you are one person who needs to get their head fixed.

Suppose you are in Art class and your art class is just a hand giving the middle finger. Now while you can claim that is “art”, you will get an F, your ass will be sent to the principal’s office, and depending on which school it is, you will either be suspended, expelled, and/or your parents are going to ground you for a long time.

Telling the audience to go fuck themselves isn’t art, people. It is repulsive dreck that someone made that shows that for some misguided reason, he is pissed off at the audience so he is going to show you that he can far worse than what you are criticizing him of. Anyone who does this type of crap needs to understand that this is not art and will never be accepted as art.

Now that is just my opinion, but the point is I will not accept this crap. If you send me any of this crap, I will tell you exactly what I will do with it. I will throw it in the trash where shit like that belongs. And if you even think about making this type of “Go fuck yourself” movie, I will tell you to take that idea….

Shine It Up Real Nicely, Turn That Sumbitch Sideways, And Stick It Straight Up Your Candy Ass!!!!!

Now that my rant is over (and I feel like one of those critics with a stick up their ass during the slasher movie genre), I would like to say to NegaSeth that your summer of torturing me is done and now, since October is the next induction, we are doing a special Roger Ebert induction.

What Do You Mean, We Are Done?

I meant exactly what I said, I won’t be doing any more of your choice crap for the rest of this year and until next summer, where if we look at our bet and what is currently going on, that won’t be happening either. You even try to force some shit on me and I will just say no. You can’t try to physically intimidate me, but that won’t work this time. I will kill you if you even try to beat me up because while you are obviously stronger than me, I am not above cheating and using a weapon to kill your roided up ass once and for all.

Well, fair point. I guess I will live up to my end of the bargain and not force anymore dreck upon you unless it is agreed upon by both of us.

Good…

Except for the stuff that I already booked well in advance for inductions because of special events. But don’t worry…they won’t be anything like this summer.

They better not be anything too awful.

Oh trust me, they are not that bad. I just wanted to pay you back for freaking being an asshole earlier this year and bottom line is, seeing you in such a rage because of one film. In fact, I think with your anger, you may have unknowingly made a second evil version of you with your anger at this.

What?

You don’t remember? I was created because of your anger for The Thing Prequel. But now that we have seen worse, there might be another one of me, worse than I could ever be thanks to your fury. But I’ll keep it away for now. It just will be my new threat in case you try to fight me.

Oh shit….

Oh shit…indeed. But enough postulating about the future, let’s see what the fans chose for your Roger Ebert Month induction?

*Looks it over*

Oh, I’m going to love this…

Just show it…

Damn…..Speaking of Remake Freddy Krueger

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Seth & Mike's Impact Implosion for September 26th, 2013

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Monster Crap Inductee: Seed (2007)