Monster Crap: July 2013

Monster Crap: Land of the Lost
Universal Studios Is Telling Fans Of The Actual Land of the Lost To “Get Lost”

2009

In the 1970s, one of TV’s most creative creators Sid & Marty Croft gave us actually one of their most coherent and not crazy ideas in Land of the Lost. Land of the Lost was a simple story where a family get trapped in an alternate universe where dinosaurs still exist and are trying to find their way back home, with the help of a cave-man named Cha-Ka. Now while they are also trying to survive dinosaurs….

That Look Completely Fake

The Marshall family (Father Rick; teenagers Holly & Will) also has to deal with a race of lizard men called the Sleestak…

Even In Their Most Cohesive Work, Sid & Marty Kroft Still Have To Put Insane Stuff In It

This TV series was popular enough that in the 90s, the TV show was remade with better effects.

Although The T-Rex Has His Name Changed From Grumpy To Scarface & The Sleestak Look Extremely Different

There were also other differences like Cha-Ka being named Stink, a jungle girl named Christa (who was originally supposed to be a surviving Holly Marshall from the original series), a baby dinosaur named Tasha and a sorceress named Keela. The original series is on DVD while the 90s one is not and it probably won’t be. So because of the popularity of the series, a movie adaptation was made and a lot of people were looking forward to it…………until Will Ferrell was announced as the lead.

Will Ferrell was on Saturday Night Live from 1995 to 2002 and was a very popular actor at the time. He was even able to move his craft to movies with hits like Old School, Elf, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, and Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. However, Will Ferrell was basically the same type of character and sooner or later, his films were getting less popular with his last film before this, Step Brothers falling way short of expectations. And having more critical flops than darlings, he needed something to get himself back on the right foot.

So how did this film do? Well, since we are inducting it, the answer is not well. And since I have been holding back on doing this induction and because some of my fans are actually pitying me for doing this film (thanks NegaSeth, you gave me sympathy), we might as well get this over with as fast as possible.

Oh and if you are a fan of the 90s series (like I was), then tough luck as this is more about the 70s series, which is understandable as that was the original and more well known.

We begin this film with an astronaut in the jungle getting eaten by a T-Rex.

And if you are wondering what this scene means for the rest of this film.

Absolutely Nothing………….

Which is very problematic because in the real world, an astronaut disappearing on landing is kind of a big deal. So yeah, this character just padded it’s body count with a character who means nothing to the overall story and his disappearance would be a bigger thing than it is made in this film. But don’t worry, that is there whole body count with characters who mean absolutely nothing to the overall story.

And then we are followed up quickly with the title sequence.

We then go to somewhere you wouldn’t expect, The Today Show.

Well, It Might If They Were Talking About The Missing Astronaut, But As I Said Before, That Isn’t Happening.

But instead it is an interview by Matt Lauer to Dr. Rick Marshall, who is talking about the possibilities of time warps with his new book My Other Car Is A Time Machine and Matt Lauer decides to act all Jim Rome on his guest and be confrontational to him. In fact, Lauer straight out calls Marshall’s theories flawed and says that his fellow colleagues in the scientific community find his ideas flawed. When Rick tells Matt to give him an example, Matt quotes Stephen Hawking who called Rick Marshall’s ideas “nonsense”. Of course this pisses off Rick Marshall who calls the interview off because he told Matt that he didn’t want to talk about Hawking. Um Rick, if that is true, Matt Lauer wouldn’t have needed to bring up Stephen Hawking if you did not give him a bulls-eye by asking for an example of his critics. Of course Matt Lauer continues to say to his viewing audience to look for his book under the “I’m Out Of My Freaking Mind” department. Of course Rick runs at Matt on camera and starts attacking him with security trying to get Rick Marshall off of the host.

Matt Lauer Responds By Spraying Rick With A Fire Extinguisher

Three years later, Rick Marshall is seen talking about tachyons and how he plans to use them for his theory of time warps. He says that he has created a device that will not allow us to travel forward or backwards, but sideways into a parallel dimension. This is all played with “Dawn section of section of the tome poem “Also sprach Zarathustra” by Richard Strauss. Sadly instead of a lecture room as I am sure he was hoping he would be, he is doing all of this to middle school kids in an area of the La Brea Tar Pits.

Yes, He Is Stuck With A Low Level Job For His Theories, Which Should Not Be Surprising

He gets asked stupid questions by kids and of course because they are dumb with some talking about him crying in the bathroom before the show, he tells them all to leave. After the class leaves, a woman asks Rick if he ever tried to make the Tachyon Amplifier. He asks who she is and she says that she is Holly and she has studied all his work at Cambridge.

She of course thinks he is brilliant. Rick responds by saying that he did start, but he never finished. She tries to get him to finish it, but he says that his theories got him laughed out of mainstream science and he will not go through that ridicule again. She then shows him a fossil with an imprint of a lighter, which turns out to be Rick’s own lighter.

And because Rick is playing the same role he basically always plays as a man child, he first words in seeing that he might be right is “Captain Kirk’s Nipples”

Because of this, Dr. Marshall is found by Holly in his office in a food coma.

Anyway, it seems he stayed up all night finishing the Tachyon Amplifier.

But the thing has a major flaw in that it does play a show tune saying “God, I Hope I Get It”. He says that it is leftover data so it is stuck in the machine. Holly takes Rick with her to see if they can test this thing out in the field so they try to find an area with a lot of tachyon energy.

Of Course It Is At A Tourist Trap

But it is not abandoned as the owner is Will Stanton.

It’s Danny McBride From The HBO Series Eastbound & Down (Which Will Ferrell Frequently Collaborates On)

Will says that they need to buy 30 dollars of stuff and he will give them a deluxe tour of the Devil’s Canyon tourist trap. Those 30 bucks he says goes to a good cause which is his dream of building….

The Devil’s Canyon Resort & Casino

Will tries to hit on Holly and Holly threatens to drown him if he does any more hitting on again. It is obviously a piece of crap tour filled with fake stuff to give the cave some entertainment like a really fake lizardman.

Who Looks An Awful Lot Like A Sleestak. Could This Be Foreshadowing?

Rick starts his amplifier (with show tunes that Will hates) and suddenly an earthquake begins. The Tachyon Amplifier gets lost in the water during this so they cannot stop the earthquake. Suddenly, a hole forms and the three are sucked down inside it. Of course Rick has to act like how Will Ferrell always acts and screams out obviously thing like “We are going fast”.

And Close-Ups Of The Three Screaming

And then they fall into a time warp.

Let’s Do The Time Warp Again…….

They wake up in a desert and see a few relics thought lost in time.

And what are Rick’s words when asked if he realizes what it means by Holly. They are “Yes, it means Matt Lauer Can Suck It.” They start filming their voyage with Rick talking about their adventure. This dimension of course is where past, present, and future all meet and when asked how this happened by Will, he says his Tachyon Amplifier did this.

Then then meet two hairy people trying to execute another, but Rick and friends stops them. Will shows his lighter and says he has the power of fire. Of course Will burns himself and the two hairy men steal the lighter and leave, leaving behind the third. The third hairy person is of course Cha-Ka.

Of course Holly tries to introduce herself, but we get a lame gag where the Cha-Ka feels her breast.

Rick tries to take a look at the ankle, but Cha-Ka feels threatened and makes noises at him. Rick is insulted and chases Cha-Ka through the desert.

Of Course They Fall Into A Giant Sinkhole

That sinkhole sends them into caverns. They still have that whole issue and after Holly confirms to Cha-Ka that Rick is a “Habu”, he starts humping Rick’s leg.

The group then gets caught by the legs in vines.

You Would Normally Be Expecting Creatures To Come Out And Reveal They Did This Trap, But Nope…Apparently The Vines Did This On Their Own

They start hearing noises and well, okay you remember that astronaut scene from earlier, we get one mention of it.

The group then grab hands and try to swing over to the tree so they can get off of these vines. But the noises get louder and here is where we meet our T-Rex.

While This CGI Mess Was Better Than The 70s T-Rex, The 90s T-Rex Looks So Much Better

The T-Rex, named Grumpy, tries to eat them, but it bites the vines which cut the group loose. The chase begins through the woods

Which During This They Take A Picture For Scale Sizing

They use a bridge back in the cliff area to get over a gap and they think this gap will stop Grumpy because he has terrible depth perception and initially it does. But as Grumpy starts to leave, Rick loudly proclaims to the group that this T-Rex has the brain the size of a walnut. Oh and he even insults the Polish by saying “I mean forget about the Polish, ha, the T-Rex's were the real dummies of the world!" Yeah, I’m sure the Polish community will appreciate that line.

Can We Find Ivan Putski So He Can Polish Hammer This Asshole?

Grumpy stops when it hears that and decides that it wants to kill Rick as he jumps over the gap to continue the chase.

You Are So Fucking Dead, Rick Marshall!!!!

They finally are able to lose the mad dinosaur inside of a small cave which Grump cannot fit inside.

But He Does Hock A Loogie At Them

I guess you will all guess that Grumpy here is probably going to be the most likable character in this movie and you would all be correct. The fact that this film does not get is that in a lot of these true comedy movies, the best characters are the ones who despite all this wacky stuff that is going around them, they play it straight. The CGI T-Rex does not mug for the camera, he plays it like how a T-Rex would for the most part.

Anyway, Grumpy leaves after staring a hole into Rick Marshall. Of course, Will does something smart and decides to insult Grumpy from very far away by calling him a pussy when the T-Rex is nowhere to be even seen. They set up base camp inside a cave despite Will’s objections that bad stuff always happens in a cave. Holly says they must be the first people to ever set foot in this world (not true: that astronaut whose suit you saw was here before you. Add all those people who were in that plane and Viking boat and yeah, you are way behind on being the first people here). They hear a record being played and look to see…

Yeah, You Are So Behind On Being The First Person At This Place

Oh and Cha-Ka is dancing to the music. Rick then mentions how screwed they are.

That night, Rick talks about not wanting Cha-Ka to sleep in the cave tonight while Holly rips the legs off her pants so they become shorts. Rick tries to say he might have deserved the execution attempt and since Holly can speak monkey (that is what Rick calls it anyway), she gets some info from Cha-Ka that he is a prince in his own tribe and the victim of a treacherous plot to steal his throne. Oh and he was treated very harshly because he pooped in the village well. When Will tries to bar the cave, Rick stops him telling him they will draw attention to themselves if they do that. Will then mentions that they already drew the attention of a highly intelligent dinosaur, which Rick still dismisses this and says the T-Rex has the brain of a walnut. A loud noise happens and they go outside to see a walnut being left at the foot of their cave.

A Giant One At That

And you know who left that walnut.

Okay, I Think I Have An Image That I Can Use If I Ever Want To Tell Someone I Am Watching Them

Rick talks in his camera and says that with rations low, he has decided that if need be, they will cook and eat Cha-Ka. And he goes into so much specifics about eating Cha-Ka that even Hannibal Lecter would be like “You sir, are insane.” Anyway, Cha-Ka comes back with fruit that he says is okay to eat, of course what Cha-Ka really meant was eat the bugs that are in the fruit.

When Rick sees this, he screams like a child and wants the bugs off of him. Suddenly a bright light shines from outside the cave so they check what it could be. Rick gets a telepathic message from a lizard creature telling him to help him. Rick then goes to see if he can help the creature as he heads towards where the light came from, with the other three following him. Cha-Ka tries to get them away from the village they come upon, but they don’t listen. They look at the crystal in the center and Will gets the idea that this must be where the ancient ancestors hosted the Latin Grammys. He then says to imagine Santana hauling away this sucker home. Yeah, the Latin Grammies look the same as the American Grammies with it being a gold mini-record player trophy. He and Rick then touch the crystal and sing Cher’s “Believe”. And anyone would actually wonder why this movie gets the criticism of annoyance that it does.

Cha-Ka tries to get the group away from here, but the two male douchebags mistake his obviously saying of “Sarisataka” for “Chorizo Tacos”. They don’t know what that means, but we all do.

Maybe Since These People Are True Neanderthals, Cha-Ka Should Have Just Pointed To The Sign

Then the Sleestak show up.

They get surrounded, but are able to escape by entering the crystal by using lasers. There, they enter another dimension inside the crystal where they meet the lizard man that was being telepathic towards Rick.

He reveals himself to be an Altrusian named Enik (like a Sleestak, but with a different color) and says that he has been a prisoner in this crystal and says that he needs their help in stopping a madman known as The Zarn, who has conquered this world and plans on conquering others.

Enik says that The Zarn does not have one thing, a device to amplify the tachyons and use the full power of the crystals. So now they leave Enik on their quest to get the Tachyon particles so they can stop The Zarn from coming to Earth. Will is not a fan of this because a rule he lives by is to never trust a man in a tunic. Rick tries to make a plan to find it as douchetastic as possible with him making Will be on an air balloon to find it while Holly and Rick follow Will. They hear dinosaur noises, but Rick collected dinosaur urine (somehow) and believes by putting it on them, they will be safe. Rick even leads by example as he dumps urine all over himself.

And Yes, We Were Given Dino Dong Jokes Before This.

Oh and he even drinks some of this “dino urine”.

I’ve Got Nothing…..

But the other two decide to not be idiots and follow Cha-Ka instead. So while they are walking in the desert, he calls this whole thing the Bataan Death March.

I’m Sure Every Survivor Of The Bataan Death March That Is Still Alive Would Like To Collectively Say That “You Can Go Fuck Yourself”

We then see all this stuff that somehow got transported here.

Yeah, If This Stuff Really Got Transported To Another Dimension, People Would Very Much Notice

Anyway, an ice cream truck lands at that spot and the operator of this ice cream truck gets his arm ripped off by raptors.

Then Grump the T-Rex and a female Allosaurus come and start to fight over the food.

Rick then says that these dinosaurs are very territorial and nothing will distract them from this fight.

Then The Dinosaurs Notice Them And Say Screw That To This Small Meal And Go After The Bigger Meal, Which Is This Group.

The group splits up and Rick tries running a serpentine pattern because in his words, it will confuse the T-Rex. Of course, Grumpy looks at him like an idiot and rips his backpack off of him. Will then loudly asks Rick if he is ever is tired of being wrong, which Rick says yes. To get away from the Allosaurus, Rick uses the mannequin routine.

But Grumpy doesn’t fall for this routine and continues to chase Rick. Rick finally has a smart idea as he sees a tank of Nitrogen.

He uses that Nitrogen with a catapult to freeze the Allosaurus from the inside.

And then the Allosaurus explodes.

With the Allosaurus explosion, they find the Tachyon Amplifier.

And then a Pterodon grabs it.

After all of that, Rick Marshall just decides to sit in a car and give up.

Holly chastises him for giving up and gives him a speech about how she first heard about him through the YouTube video that her colleagues were laughing at, but she was not and was rather interested. She says she committed herself to her theories and for that, she got tossed out of Cambridge. Everyone had told her that for his theories, she threw her future away and she didn’t believe it until right now. Then she walks off to look for the Tachyon Amplifier. Will and Cha-Ka soon follow.

That night while Holly is writing notes in his book, Will confides in Cha-Ka that despite his attitude, he has been going about a six year dry spell (meaning six years of no sex). He talks (while Holly translates) that the women in his tribe are beautiful and carefree. They of course live with the foodists, and he misses them. They wait on all the men and serve all their needs. He says that as a prince of his tribe, he is served with a harem of 7,000 women.

Rick Marshall decides to rejoin the group and plays a song (which is actually the theme song of the 1974 show). Then we get the scene you probably have all scene in the trailer. First a big mosquito bites him and Rick doesn’t notices.

In fact, the bug gets so big that Rick starts to turn white and go weak and the mosquito leaves as Rick is still tired. Rick then faints to reveal that on his back, he has a giant bug on his back sucking out blood.

Rick tries to stay away and because of this, he eventually lays on his back which squashes the giant bug.

The next morning, Rick wakes up with his shirt off so we can see the giant bug bite on his back.

Seriously, That Is The Only Reason His Shirt Is Off

Rick then gives a speech about how they need to complete their mission because apparently the whole world is counting on them. Rick says they need to climb up the hill and they better to be ready. Of course then we cut to the next scene where everyone other than Rick is way ahead of him in climbing the mountain. They go to the top of the mountain and see that the Tachyon Amplifier’s show tunes is being use as music for the eggs. Rick dances his way through the eggs, which yes is as annoying as it stupid as it sounds.

Rick grabs the device which turns the music off and after that, the eggs start hatching because the music was actually being used as sleep music for the eggs. Rick then has to sing the theme so the babies go back to sleep and the group is able to escape with the Tachyon Amplifier. Oh and even Cha-Ka sings the whole song in full English and doesn’t do too bad. And yes, that is the only reason why Jorma Taconne, one of the guys from the Lonely Island and SNL, was given this part. Tell me I’m wrong.

They all celebrate by jumping into a pool that still has water, despite the fact that the pool since it probably has been there for a while, should be rather old at this point.

Cha-Ka grabs a fruit and offers it to Rick and Will, which the two accept and drink the juices out of. Of course it is revealed the fruit has narcotic properties and Cha-Ka joins in so the three get high and eventually pass out. Holly leaves the group and sees the crystal is nearby so she enters it alone. Rick, Will, and Cha-Ka have to deal with a giant crab.

Well, they would, but the crab ends up falling into a sinkhole which has a hot spring underneath. That roasts the crab and gives them the food they need because as you know from certain narcotics, you get hungry.

Oh and for some reason that is never explained, Will has a lemon slice that he soaks on the crab as they eat.

In the crystal that leads to a cave, she finds out the truth that The Zarn was not the bad guy and was actually the good guy, trying to protect the world from Enik, who is actually evil.

And The Zarn Has Been Dead This Whole Time

Holly tries to go warn the others, but gets grabbed by a Sleestak.

The next morning, Rick, Will, and Cha-Ka all wake up to realize that Holly has been missing and deduce with her backpack on the ground that the Sleestak have taken her. And when they enter the cave, they see two Sleestaks………..having sex.

Oh And They Shed Skin As An Orgasm. Okay Filmmakers, You Can Count This Up There With Shit I Did Not Need To Know.

They get to the temple and see Holly in a cage and about to be dumped into lava. I’m sure you are all wondering how do they enter without being detected.

They Use The Skins Of The Two Sleestak That Just Had Sex, As Costumes. There Are So Many Things Wrong With That Idea.

They then get out of their costume and find out that Enik destroyed an entire civilization and as punishment, he was locked up and made to wear a tunic to show his deceit. Will tells Rick that he told him that a guy with a tunic should not be trusted. Through some heroics, Rick and Will save Holly before she is dumped into the lava. Afterward, Holly gives Will a kiss to show that they are now a couple. This might be actually awkward because in the TV show you will remember, Will and Holly are brother and sister, and Rick is their father.

Holly thinks they might have the element of surprise, but Rick and Will say that they sent Cha-Ka to get Enik so that won’t happen. And then an evil laugh occurs and Enik has Cha-Ka prisoner and has the rest of the Sleestaks hypnotized by crystals backing him up. He says thanks to the Tachyon Amplifier, he can lead his army to conquer anywhere he chooses through any time and space. Then he says that he will begin with Earth. He says that when he is standing in the the cinders of their civilization, he will be sure to give Rick Marshall full scientific credit.

The Grumpy the T-Rex then shows up to attack Rick, but Rick says he will not run this time and he tells the other two to go. As a man child, Rick tells her that he doesn’t love her, she is ugly, and throws a rock at her so she will leave. Will follows, but before he does, he tells Will that in his bag he has some fireworks he can use as ammo just in case. Rick (channeling all of us) asks, “You had fireworks this whole time? There is literally a dozen situations where we could have used those.” He also says that he will follow him into any battle, but when Rick says how about now, he says he is going to have to say no on this one.

Rick Marshall then finds conveniently placed staff and tries to use that as a weapon, but Grumpy uses his tail to whack that out of his hands. Rick tries to use a roman candle onto the T-Rex with his lighter, but that is a dud so he throws his lighter down in frustration and the T-Rex stomps the lighter (call back to that fossil scene to way earlier in the film for some stupid reason). Rick then decides to pole vault at it and…..

And Gets Swallowed Whole By The T-Rex

Grumpy, feeling he has paid him back for that insult, leaves and Holly, Cha-Ka, and Will are left to deal with Enik and his mind controlled Sleestak. Holly starts using her belt as a weapon and while it is effective, there are just too many. Will tries to use Cha-Ka as a battering ram, but while effective, does not work either. But suddenly Rick comes back, riding Grumpy and attack the Sleestak and they are really effective.

What The…..How????

Oh and for a bigger insult, Will slides down Grumpy’s tail like Fred Flintstone did.

Fred Flintstone Is Not Amused

He then reveals to the rest that he went through the digestive system rather quickly and before being pooped out, he must have dislodged some sort of intestinal blockage. So yeah, our T-Rex here was only mad and wanting to kill Rick Marshall here because he had some sort of intestinal blockage. Bullshit!!!

They then enter the crystal to stop Enik. Rick fights with Enik when Will tries to interfere (he fails), one of the crystals breaks and Rick has to use Holly’s crystal necklace as a short-term replacement. Enik grabs Will and tries to use him as a hostage, but Will decides that he rather likes it here so he is staying, which negates the whole hostage thing. Enik pleads with Rick and Holly to let him go with them, but they refuse and leave through the portal.

Rick and Holly explain to Will’s assistant Ernie what happened and because Ernie is too lazy, he just says cool. Meanwhile, Cha-Ka leads Will to his village where they meet the females of his tribe.

Yeah, They Are Not Much Different.

But they do take a liking to Will so yes, his sacrifice was quite worth it to him.

Back on Earth, Rick Marshall shows back up on Matt Lauer and gloats about his accomplishments, which he has proof of by the way and sells his new book, which Matt Lauer has to say.

And Matt Lauer decides to attack Rick Marshall.

Doing Something That I Am Sure Every Person Wants To Do To Will Ferrell After Seeing This Film

We then get credits and whoever did the art for the credits I have to say “Bravo” to because it is very well done. But after that, there is one final scene and that is of the egg that Rick gave to Matt Lauer as a present, which is actually not a dinosaur egg.

It’s A Sleestak Egg, Attempting To Set Up A Sequel Which Will Never Happen.

And the film ends.

Now first, let’s explain why there will never be a sequel to this film and that answer is pretty simple. This film tanked at the box office, only making two-thirds the money that Universal expected it to make. And it really got a beatdown by Up (which was #2 after its second week) and the film that also came out at the same time, which finished #1, a film that wasn’t expected to do much in The Hangover. Yes, The Hangover made more money than the filmmakers were expecting and Land of the Lost made less money than they expected to make. Add to the critical reception being worse (nominated for several Razzies (which they won only one in Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off, or Sequel) and a 26 on Rotten Tomatoes). Even now, the president of Universal Studios admits “Land of the Lost was just crap. I mean, there is no excuse for it. The best intentions all went wrong.”

Many of the actors have thankfully had their previous works to fall back on (like Danny McBride (who played Will) with Eastbound & Down and Jorma Taccone (who played Cha-Ka) with The Lonely Island). Leonard Nimoy (who did the voice of The Zarn) still has his fame to go back to and was still in Star Trek: Into Darkness as Spock Prime. Also Will Ferrell has still been in and out of the box office as The Other Guys did well (it was the film that unseated Inception for #1), but The Campaign didn’t do as well as Will Ferrell films have done.

This film, well yeah…………it sucks. It is an insult to comedy and when the best character in the film is a CGI dinosaur, which the CGI was horrible in, you know you are in for a stinker. Will Ferrell basically plays the same character over and over again and at one point, it was funny, but now………that act has just gotten old. This film actually gets downright offensive at times. The film at times feels like they want to go into complete gross out humor, but they can’t because of the fact that it is PG-13 and considering this was based on a show that was aimed at kids, that is not a good thing. Just a failure at every aspect.

Well now that I am done with that train wreck, I wonder what film NegaSeth has that will be worse than this.

Oh The Next Film Is One That Has Been Asked For By The Fans For A Long Time. It Is One Of The Most Boring Monster Movies You Will Ever See And Not Even Horror Hostess Elvira Can Save The Boredom You Will Feel.

Aw crap……….I know what is next.

Yes!!! It Is Time For You To Suffer Boredom From Monstroid (aka Monster)!!!! Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Friday, July 26, 2013

Seth & Mike's Impact Implosion for July 25th, 2013 (Lawsuits?)

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Monster Crap Inductee: Land of the Lost (2009)