Seth & Mike's Impact Implosion for June 27th, 2013 (The Incredible Shrinking Suicide)

Well, this show pissed me off. Not because they completely botched it, but they did so enough to make me mad. For those of you who don't know (as you probably didn't see the Impact preview video if you don't know), Chris Sabin (who had since he returned talked about getting into the world title scene) had his chance to get a world title shot taken away from him by someone in the Suicide costume (that "wasn't the actual Suicide"). Oh and hint: while it may make a good match for Destination X, the revelation fucks both Chris Sabin and the Bound For Glory series. Also, we had the NEW Main Event Mafia looking like the Old Main Event Mafia and because of TNA not having any real threats for the tag titles, putting the champs in a feud with two jabronis. Now, there was some good, which is why I didn't give this a complete F, but there was enough stupidity to give this Impact a D. Also I am counting down the days until Tazz's contract expires because the sooner he is gone, the better the commentary will be. So if you want to know more, have a listen to the show.

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Monster Crap Inductee: Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe (19990)

Monster Crap Inductee: Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe
Kids, Always Avoid VD….

1990

You know, despite the fact that many pro wrestlers go into acting and a large majority of them fail spectacularly, it is a surprise that out of all 109 previous inductions, there have only been five movies that have even involved people who are or have been in the pro wrestling business. We had Bill Goldberg as a killer Santa Claus in Santa’s Slay; a man who should have worked as a slasher villain, but was screwed by the poor movie See No Evil in Kane (aka Glen Jacobs); one terrible movie with a woman who made a small appearance in wrestling with Amy Webber being in Transmorphers; a co-starring role for an actor who because of Hulk Hogan was made a pro wrestler with Tiny Lister being in Dracula 3000; and a cameo by a really lesser known wrestler named Sylvester Terkay in Evil Bong. But we are going to make it six with Jesse “The Body” Ventura. Who is he, you may ask?

Jesse Ventura was a famous pro wrestler who the boss of the WWE Vince McMahon himself has said he had big plans for, but unfortunately those plans went by the wayside when Jesse was forced to retire from pro wrestling when blood clots were found in his lungs. As Jesse has claimed, they were caused by his exposure to Agent Orange while he was fighting in Vietnam because yes, Jesse Ventura was also a former Navy Seal. He was basically relegated to the commentary station where he had great chemistry as the heel (aka bad guy) commentator to the owner of the company Vince McMahon, who at the time was the play by play guy and often sided with the baby-faces (aka good guys). Jesse also was in some movies and was very dependable as one of those guys who could be a character-actor alongside Arnold Schwarzenegger in both Predator and The Running Man. So of course in 1990 (after he had left WWE over a lawsuit), he was given his own starring role in Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe.

This film has gotten several requests by readers to induct and thanks to NegaSeth, I’m going to have to see why this was requested.

We begin with the opening credits and the opening title card.

Abraxas begins by asking us if we have ever been vaulted. He then tells us that it isn’t pretty and it involves reinforcement of skeletal and muscle structures by short wave eradiation and ozone layering to 0.23. He also tells us through dialogue with a computer that Sardacia is his home planet. Abraxas also tells us that he is a finder.

Apparently Abraxas Is Our Lord And Savior

He mentions that finders are supposed to renew their vows every 1,000 years and Abraxas here has renewed his nine times so he has been on the force for almost 10,000 years. His job is to find renegades who would destroy any life-forms and he can’t have any relationships while he is a finder. He then mentions that he is being sent to apprehend his ex-partner Secundus.

Then we cut to Abraxas chasing down Secundus in a snowy patch on Earth in a shoot-out. We then see people guiding Abraxas from space and we see a problem with this film.

It’s Way Too Goddamn Dark

Not since the days of Horror at Party Beach have I ever seen a movie this dark and the MST3K crew had to lighten that film up so we could see what was happening.

Apparently Secundus is trying to birth a Comater, who will solve the Anti-Life Equation, which they say cannot be allowed to happen. Oh and he has apparently re-engineered his body to be strong as hell and if he mates with a species, the Comater will be conceived. Also Abraxas has captured Secundus before so yeah, this is nothing new.

The gunfight on Earth continues. We even get internal dialogue from Secundus who says that Abraxas can’t possibly understand his motives as he only knows right and wrong. Secundus of course says the only thing that matters is power, the power to no longer be a victim of fate.

Yeah, The Only Thing You Can See Is Explosions

Anyway, the fight continues. Meanwhile in a car not far from here, a young man tries to get it on with a young woman, but she doesn’t want to. Secundus shows up and attacks, dragging the guy out of the car and taking the young woman with him. Secundus tries to stop him from this, but he gets run over. Of course because of this and the fact that Secundus is not good at driving, the car stalls and the young woman, whose name is Sonia escapes the car.

Secundus chases after her.

Finally……..A Halfway Decent Picture Of Secundus.

That is Sven-Ole Thorsen, an actor who at this time just did small parts in movies with Arnold Schwarzenegger in them. He was the hammer-wielding Thogrim in Conan The Barbarian (the original, not that piece of crap remake), the sympathetic bodyguard Sven in The Running Man, and the most memorable to me, a one second appearance as a Russian soldier who gets shot by Arnold while Arnold says “Knock Knock”. So yeah, he was really in movies because Arnold liked him. So yeah, despite the fact that he and Jesse Ventura (who was also in Predator) had no screen time together, the people thought it was logical for these two guys to be hero and villain in this movie just because they just so happened to be in the same movie.

Secundus catches up to her and proceeds to put his hand on her stomach.

And Because I Guess This Is Like Mating In Their Homeworld, This Gets Her Pregnant.

Abraxas then arrests Secundus, who apparently is also basically almost immortal. Secundus tries to have Abraxas join him by saying they can have it all and not be almost anything. He also knows Abraxas will be forced to kill the girl and he can’t do that. Abraxas for some reason we are not told at this time isn’t allowed to kill Secundus so Secundus is teleported away to a prison. Abraxas then goes to the girl he just glowing hand raped. Abraxas is then told to kill the female so she will not give birth to the Comater, but he can’t bring himself to do it and the Comater is born.

Oh and the dialogue between Abraxas and Secundus was somehow cut out of the DVD I have (which I will be throwing away because no one needs to be subjected to a DVD that does it cuts like the DVD has bugs in it) so I had to use the Rifftrax version to tell you what happened that this DVD just so happened to cut out.

Anyway, that mourning, Sonia heads back into town with her new alien baby. She goes to a bridge and thinks about ending it all for her and the baby, but decides not to.

Unfortunately when she gets home, her folks are not happy about her having a baby out of the blue and not knowing who the father is. Her parents of course, being the loving folks that they are, kick her out of the house. She goes to the registry and gets a birth certificate for her new son, who she has named Thomas, but the film will refer to him as Tommy.

Then we move to 5 years later. Sonia mentions that she and Tommy have a regular life except that Tommy has never spoken. She says that she loves him so much, but she fears that something terrible is going to happen to him. Meanwhile elsewhere, Secundus has escaped again and is heading for Earth. Jeez……..space prison is almost as bad as Arkham Asylum.

Well, I Say Almost

Abraxas gets flack because he didn’t kill the girl before she gave birth and now they know Secundus escaped to complete his mission of getting the Anti-Life Equation. Look, I know Abraxas didn’t follow orders and all, but even if he did, Secundus would have escaped to try again with his plans. If he is so desperate to succeed that he impregnates the first female he can find, he will do it again. At least you know which planet Secundus is going to this time. But of course, Abraxas defense isn’t that, but instead it’s “We didn’t know the child would become the Comater”. Oh yeah, and because Secundus is a former finder, he can’t be executed. And somehow this culture is ahead of us. Look, people of Sardacia, whenever someone decides not to be a “finder” anymore, that shouldn’t mean they retains the rights to be almost immortal. So anyway, Abraxas is sent to find Secundus and bring him in………..again. Oh and Abraxas must kill the child this time. We then go through wormholes.

I Think I Was In One Of Those When Me And Forgotten Sin Inducted Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker.

Oh and because of a wormhole malfunction, Abraxas lost all his weaponry so he is going at this alone. Nice job, guys. But the good news is Secundus also lost all his weapons.

Secundus Apparently Is The Predator

Bullshit…..

Yes, bullshit indeed. Of course, this re-entry causes Tommy to wake up. Sonia comes into to be surprised that Tommy is awake and we also learn that she has been called to the principal of Tommy’s school’s office.

Meanwhile Abraxas Acts Like The Melting Man When He Comes Out Of The Water, Screams And All. Maybe The Water Was Too Cold For Him.

Meanwhile, Sonia is at the principal’s office to talk about Tommy

I Should Mention That This Principal Looks A Lot Like Jim Belushi.

*Looks at the IMDB page*

What? It is Jim Belushi? What the hell is he doing in this film? Wait……..Jim Belushi as a Principal???

NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get Out While You Can!!!

Anyway, the principal questions Sonia about why he has not been speaking and Sonia thinks he is mute. Of course the reason the principal is asking all this question because he doesn’t want a mute kid in a “school for normal kids”. Oh yeah, and because of this, Tommy is getting bullied which is a problem to this principal. Oh Sonia calls him out on not disciplining the other kid and asks has he ever even thought of doing that, to which the principal says “No”. Okay, I was in school in 1990, and if you got caught bullying people then, after enough times (and if this principal is getting wind of this, it is enough times), then you would be sent to the principal’s office where you would face his verbal wrath and oh, was that something you didn’t want to receive. So how this guy, who doesn’t even think to tell the other kids to stop bullying him to stop, ever became principal is beside me.

Oh and that’s it for the principal. Back in the woods, Abraxas chases Secundus, who is trying to recharge his energy so he can take on Abraxas. Oh and this chase scene is accompanied by saxophone music.

No, Kenny G Had Nothing To Do With This Film

We get a fight scene between Abraxas and Secundus, and Abraxas gets his ass kicked. Look I’m sure you are asking why Jesse’s Abraxas is getting his ass kicked when Jesse Ventura is a former Navy Seal and pro wrestler, well his opponent is equally tough. Seriously, the guy who plays Secundus is a champion bodybuilder, a champion power lifter, and has a black belt in karate. That and if you add that in the film, Secundus has altered his biological structure so that his body is hard as hell, you can forgive Jesse Ventura for actually having trouble with this guy, but of course this was before Secundus got recharged so you have the right to complain.

Secundus then carjacks some campers and then Abraxas decides to grab hold of the roof.

Now, I'm Ready To Start Surfing

Secundus is able to get Abraxas off his car and drives away. Abraxas hitches a ride from the RV of the people who Secundus stole the SUV from. The people talk about how they are going to the police and Abraxas says that he is a police officer, although they note that he isn’t a local police officer with that attire. Abraxas then asks if there is a store to get some local attire. Secundus parks at a store and gets re-energized there. The guy who works at the store is pissed off that Secundus broke in, but Secundus and uses the attempted Anti-Life Equation test to blow his head off.

Toasty!!!

Secundus takes the guy’s coat and wears it. Back at the RV, one of the stupidest piece of dialogue ever spoken is spoken.

Father: So what makes you think you can locate my 4-by-4?

Abraxas: My box has VD, trust me.
Mother: Your what?
Abraxas: VD. Vibrational Detection.

I bet some scriptwriter made Jesse Ventura say this, thinking he was very funny and I bet Jesse just shook his head in disbelief. Anyway, the father thinks this might help them track Secundus and his car, but Abraxas says this.

Abraxas: No, members of our force were taught to avoid VD

Godzilla if you please….

Anyway, Abraxas gets out of the RV and decides to search for Secundus on foot.

Meanwhile at the granary that Sonia works at, the deputy of this small town tries to hit on her while talking about getting an alarm system for the place and fails big time. This cop is of course a deputy and while trying to follow the letter of the law, almost gets himself in trouble with a giant trucker whose forklift is a safety hazard, but the sheriff stops him and tells him to not cause too much trouble with small crimes and focus on the big ones because this is a small town. Meanwhile, Secundus kills some people in town hall and finds the identity of the Comater, Tommy.

Abraxas and the cops try to stop Secundus, but he has a hostage so they are forced to let him pass. Secundus lets go of the hostage, shoots a guy, and steals his bike with Abraxas is in hot pursuit on foot.

Oh And Now Abraxas Has Normal Clothing As Well

At school, some kids try to pick on Tommy (so I guess the principal didn’t do jack shit with that great advice Sonia gave him). Somehow, Tommy has psychic powers and makes the biggest of the bullies wet his pants. Later on, the big bully confronts Tommy about what he did and Tommy uses his psychic powers again to fling the kid into the toilet stall.

Sonia heads into her home, which is kept clean by her friend Betty. Sonia takes Tommy with her to the movies while Betty and her son watch TV at the house. Secundus breaks into the house and thinking that Betty’s son is Tommy, is about to test the Anti-Life Equation on him (which since he isn’t, would kill the kid), but Abraxas is there to save the day. A fight scene happens and since Secundus is at full power, Abraxas gets his ass kicked……..again. Oh and since this movie revolves around the Christmas season, probably should have done this film in December of 2014. Thanks a lot, NegaSeth.

Damn, I Forgot This Could Technically Be Considered A Christmas Movie

Sonia comes home (guess that was a quick movie) and sees that Abraxas has been stabbed. Oh and you can definitely bet that Sonia recognizes him from five years ago.

Oh Yeah, That’s So The Look Of Someone Who Recognizes Someone From The Past And Not The Look Of A Killer Or Victim In A Slasher Movie.

Anyway, she gives Abraxas grief about the past five years and she tries to punch Abraxas, but because Abraxas skin is also tough……..it hurts her. Abraxas tells her that they must leave before Secundus comes for them and Sonia agrees. Secundus is about to break into the granary where Sonia works, but some snot nosed punk kid tries to taunt him about his stupidity and gets run over by his own car that Secundus carjacks. So since Abraxas is “Guardian of the Universe”, that must make Secundus “Carjacker of the Universe”.

During a drive, we learn that Abraxas is driving them to Sonia’s good friend, Maxie’s house. Meanwhile, the head guy is getting pissed that Abraxas hasn’t done his duty yet and wants another finder sent down, but he can’t of course because the warp unit in that area is still having problems. At Maxie’s house, Abraxas has a conversation with Tommy and Abraxas is shirtless.

Get Out Of Here, Pedo Bear!!!

Abraxas tells the kid the story about what happened between him and Secundus. Sonia comes in and sends Tommy to bed. She and Abraxas talk about their lives and how they will protect Tommy from Secundus.

And then for some reason Secundus heads to a strip club. Look, I know that snot nosed kid mentioned women at a strip club, but he knows full well that Sonia is not a stripper and that she works at the granary so this scene is just here for some pointless tits and ass, which never happens so all that does happen is Secundus beats up some bouncers and leaves because as he should already know, Sonia is not here.

The voice box for Abraxas tries to tell him to kill Thomas because he is the Comater, but Abraxas threatens the machine that he will take her voice mode off if she keeps bugging him about that and now has to speak when spoken too. He then goes to the bathroom where Sonia is taking a shower, they see each other without their shirts and it is very awkward silence between the two as Abraxas leaves, the voice box reminding him that since he is a finder, he can’t have relationships with the female kind. They have a talk and when asked why Abraxas didn’t kill her, he tells Sonia that she was an innocent and he could never kill an innocent.

Meanwhile in the cop car, they find out that all the DNA evidence they have is not of this Earth. They visit Sonia at Maxie’s house and she hides Abraxas. They offer to assist her since they think she knows something about what is going on since the killer they are looking for did vandalize her apartment. Wait…………that was a house, not an apartment.  They say she can’t do this alone, to which Sonia says that she is not doing this alone and even if she told them, they wouldn’t believe her. After they leave, she kisses Abraxas who finds this action pleasant. Abraxas likes this so he does it to her.

Secundus heads to a diner where the two waitresses argue over who has to serve him since both are freaking scared of him. Secundus doesn’t understand what a menu is so he picks whatever the waitress points at when she tries to show him how to use a menu. Basically, he picked the whole breakfast section of the menu.

I’m Thinking He Should Be The Spokesman For Hungry Man Dinners As He Wants Them All.

After finding out that all the kids go to the same school, he leaves while eating the bill. The cops find him and try to arrest him, it doesn’t go well as the cops’ weapons don’t work, even when the deputy somehow is able to produce an Uzi.

What The…..

The deputy gets thrown into the car.

 

Secundus grabs the Uzi and shoots up the place before getting away by stealing the cop car.

While all of this is going on, Tommy decides to run away from home because he doesn’t want Secundus to hurt Abraxas, Sonia, or Maxie. Tommy runs to an old farm and decides to hide there. Luckily for him, Abraxas is able to find him and re-unites him with his mother, but he needs to talk to Tommy alone. Abraxas has a heart to heart conversation with Tommy about what makes him different and tries to assure that he is a good person who can learn to control his powers.

Meanwhile, Secundus goes to the school and takes a classroom hostage. Abraxas tells the cops that he knows where Secundus is and leads them to the school. Secundus makes his demands: give him the Comater or he will start killing the children. Tommy runs into the school despite Sonia trying to stop him. Tommy meets with Secundus who makes plans to get the Anti-Life Equation out of Tommy. He tries to do the test, but Abraxas stops him with a grey fire extinguisher. Secundus takes down Abraxas (again) and goes after Tommy. Secundus steals another car and is able to take Tommy to an abandoned factory. There, he tries to get Tommy to give him the Anti-Life Equation by taunting him until Tommy breaks down and explodes.

It seems Tommy is finished, but Abraxas intervenes. Secundus tells Abraxas that he is only delaying the inevitable because he can’t kill him thanks to that rule that no finder past or present can be executed. But Abraxas refuses to listen and a fight scene commences while Tommy’s powers are going haywire. Tommy then causes both men to be blown out of the building with Abraxas barely hanging on. Sonia comes in and calms Tommy down.

They try to leave the abandoned factory, but Secundus is still alive and still won’t give up. The final fight scene happens and for most of it, Abraxas is getting his ass kicked. Abraxas does eventually get the upper hand and despite the mandate that Abraxas can’t kill Secundus since Secundus was once a finder himself, Abraxas gives Secundus a taste of his own medicine and gives him the Anti-Life Equation test, which kills Secundus.

 

After all of that, command tries to get Abraxas to come back, but our hero decides to stay on Earth to watch over the Comater permanently, forfeiting his membership as a finder for disobeying a transport order. Abraxas asks to keep his voice box, which is left up to command. Command decides that they were wrong about Abraxas and let him keep the voice box. Abraxas, Sonia, and Tommy hug.

Abraxas tells the cops that when they write the report, they should scale it down to acceptable levels so you know, they won’t get laughed out of the force. Abraxas says that he is going to like living here as he gets in the car and heads home with Sonia and Tommy, which means Sonia gets to live Jay of Jay and Silent Bob’s ultimate dream.

She Gets To Be The First Human Being To Find A New Alien Life Form And Fuck It

And our movie ends with that.

Marjorie Bransfield (who played Sonia) married Jim Belushi a few months later which kind of makes more sense of why Jim Belushi made an appearance in this film. Jim Belushi has gone on to having a career. He was Charles Jackal in the only Michael Moore directed film that I like in Canadian Bacon; did voice work for several shows like Duckman, Gargoyles, Mighty Ducks cartoon, Hey Arnold!, Ahh! Real Monsters, as well as others; and his biggest role was the lead role in the show According to Jim.

Now let’s go to our two stars. First Sven-Ole Thorsen. His skills have been used many times in action movies, but his two most notable appearances to me were in a comedy and a drama. In the comedy department,

He Was Security Guard LaFours in Mallrats

And He Was Tygris Of Gaul in Gladiator

Now Jesse Ventura. I saved him for last because he did a lot. First he went to WCW as a commentator for a short time, but was fired by Eric Bischoff. Two stories are going around why that happened. One was he allegedly fell asleep during a WCW Worldwide TV taping and the other is that he was fired because Hulk Hogan was coming in (he and Hogan were once buddies, but at a certain point, they stopped liking each other). But before he went to WCW, he won a royalties lawsuit from WWE (then WWF) which gave him $801, 333. He also got into politics and became the mayor of Brooklyn Park in Minnesota. But his biggest impact was becoming the first wrestler to win a major political office when he became the Governor of Minnesota in 1998, which was a shocker because he was neither a Republican nor a Democrat.

However, he has become a bit paranoid and hosted a show called Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura, several going after the government for being secretly scheming which couldn’t be true. I mean, that would be like our president is a lying SOB who has people look at your phone records and has departments target groups that oppose them politically.

Oh Wait…………..

Anyway, let’s talk about this movie. It sucks and the DVD I was using is going in the trash. This film was why Jesse Ventura does not work in serious roles. He just doesn’t have those chops to be taken seriously. The whole inner monologue crap doesn’t work because people don’t want to hear every damn thought that comes through your head. This movie needed a lot of idiocy for stuff to happen (like the principal not thinking of telling the other kids to stop the bullying or the deputy being able to produce a freaking Uzi and not get in trouble for that). The acting from the supporting cast is not good and the dialogue is embarrassing. This movie belongs in the forgettable list because no one in their career is going to want to mention that they were in this film. But since that movie is done……

You Son of a Bitch!!!!

Oh, hi NegaSeth, what did I do this time.

You made me pissed that I didn’t save this for Christmas. Yet you failed to ever mention that that last week, Jesse Ventura announced that he wanted to run for president in 2016.

Oh, that….

Don’t “Oh, that” with me, I now have excellent reason to make this film an induction despite the fact that this took place in Christmas. Oh, I’m going to enjoy making you suffer through the next movie.

You said I was going to suffer through this movie yet while it was bad, it’s not going to be painful enough to be memorable.

Oh, but like I said, I’ve been giving you easy ones. Last one was worse than the X From Outer Space for you and my next film is going to be worse than the film you just inducted.

So what do you have in mind?

What are your thoughts on Will Farrell?

Sometimes he is good, most times he is annoying.

What are your thoughts on Sid & Marty Kroft?

Their stuff is confusing and definitely involved a lot of weed, but I did like……………wait, you aren’t doing what I think you are doing?

Oh I am, I so am……………

YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!

Seth & Mike's Impact Implosion for June 20th, 2013 (Return of the Mafia)

Well, it is official that the "New" Main Event Mafia are just like Old Main Event Mafia in my mind. This whole thing is very confusing to me. However, Impact this week was actually pretty good, just like last week thanks to most of the actual Bound For Glory series matches and the doing away with Eric Young and ODB as Knockouts Tag Team Champions (something that should have been dealt with months ago). So because you probably didn't watch this episode of Impact as the NBA Finals were at a Game 7, listen to the show because we will tell you what you missed because you are more of a basketball fan (which is understandable).

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Seth & Mike's Impact Implosion for June 13th, 2013 (Bound For Glory Series Selection Show)

Sorry for this show being posted late. I completely forgot about posting it. Now sorry for us not mentioning the subtitle of the episode, but we both forgot about that. I was going to post the Monster Crap induction of Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe, but I am up in Albany so that will have to wait until next week while I visit my grandparents. Anyway, thanks to all of you who chatted with me during my live tweets of this episode of Impact because that was really fun. So not much really to say about what happened with the actual episode behind the scenes because I did forget a lot of that so enjoy.

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Seth & Mike's Impact Implosion for June 6th, 2013 (Stairway To Hammer)

We had some technical difficulties airing this show live so if any problems with the show happen, that is why. Anyway, Impact was actually really good this week and of course we have one potential big money match being hinted at for Bound For Glory. Also the Bound For Glory series is back and this week and the next will determine who will qualify for those 12 spots (one already filled at Slammiversary by Gut Check Winner Jay Bradley). Also, we talk about the results to Slammiversary 2013 which is strange for us as neither of us bothered to watch the show so we based our opinions on what we have heard. So sit by your computer or whatever futuristic device you have and listen to us be loud when we talk about this week in TNA. Oh yeah, and TNA's new free agent is a pretty big acquisition although we both believe Bellator (an MMA organization) might get more than TNA.

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