Monster Crap: February 2013

Monster Crap Inductee: The Oogieloves in The Big Balloon Adventure

Sometimes Even Movies For Kids Can Be Extremely Harmful

2012 GINO Award Winner

Well, it is that time of the year where we look back at what was terrible in the year prior and pick out the worst. Past winners have been the extremely funny in Thankskilling, but mostly extremely painful in 10,000 BC and Twilight: New Moon. We also had the Seltzer-Friedberg connection get this dubious honor three times with Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, and Vampires Suck. But last year was by far the most painful as I had to induct The Thing prequel and if you read that induction, you saw how drunk I needed to be get through that abomination prequel to my favorite movie of all time. I still consider it based on personal reasons, the worst movie I have ever inducted and I don’t know if that will change. Hell, I have that film to blame for the creation of NegaSeth.

This year, we have something unique as we will be looking at a film definitely not intended for me as it is the bane of almost all internet movie reviewers’ existence, kids’ films. Well, not really a bane of their existence as it is more of a nuisance that they just won’t review because they know it is not for them. And normally I wouldn't really want to touch this either, but I heard about the horrors of this film and considering that when I nominated it, it won in a fucking landslide……….this one has to be a bit different than the others. And thanks to the year I had to spend with my 4 year old nephew and just born this year, another nephew, I’m afraid I’m going to have to get used to watching films and shows that insult my intelligence (speaking of which, I am thankful that they are back home in Texas because I don’t think I would ever hear the end of it from my brother and his wife if my nephew got a hold of this film during this induction and loved it).

So yeah, with that all said………you know I have seen the horror and the insulting of intelligence that is shows like Dora The Explorer.

My Thoughts Exactly

How about those abominations The Wonder Pets finding a Pangaroo?

Yes, This Sadly Did Happen

How about the show about toys that come to life called Yo Gabba Gabba singing “Don’t Bite Your Friends”?

A Song So Cheesy They Made A T-Shirt Out Of It.

I’m Wondering If Those Guys Are Okay With Me Biting My Enemies. Hey, The Song Only Said I Shouldn't Bite My Friends.

Don’t even think about it, NegaSeth. Anyway, as you can guess……I don’t think much of kids shows these days. But they were mostly bad even in older days like Lamb Chops, Slim Goodbody, Superbook, The Wuzzles, The Banana Splits, and Bananas In Pajamas. Heck, go watch almost any Sid & Marty Kroft show that you liked as a kid, now and you’ll probably wonder how in the blue hell you liked this. I could go all day about this, but let’s cut to the chase. The makers of this film also were responsible for the American localization of a show that was popular about strange creatures that worshiped the sun, which had the face of a baby.

Yes, The Controversial Teletubbies (And By Controversial, I Mean Idiots With Too Much Time On Their Damn Hands Read Too Much Into What The Hell Was Going On)

Basically, kids shows are basically shows that parents have their kids watch so they will stay out of trouble. You may be asking why would adults subject themselves to this horror and if you are, I will just say “You have never had to look after a kid, have you?” Yes, it comes with the territory that if you care for a kid, you are going to suck it up and get through some crappy show or movie being a responsible adult and taking care of your sons or daughters or both.

But yeah, this is a kids film and I've seen mostly harmless stuff so let’s see why this movie is completely different from the others and we will see why this film ended up being the biggest box office bomb in history.

We get the Lionsgate logo before the film even begins.

Not Surprised One Bit Lionsgate Would Be Responsible For This

I Should Also Add That Kenn Viselman Was Not Only Behind The American Localization Of Teletubbies, But Also The American Localization Of Thomas The Tank Engine.

And before you can say anything, we meet the Oogieloves in Goobie (the green one), Zoozie (the yellow one), and Toofie (the purple one).

Goobie introduces himself by saying that he loves scientific things like physics and engineering, and he also likes pickles. Zoozie shows up and introduces herself by saying she is fluent in every single language, even animal. Toofie introduces himself by saying he likes to have as much fun as possible all the time. We also get piped in cheers from an imaginary child crowd when they say that they are the Oogieloves. Zoozie says that this is the most amazing movie ever as the three play music (Goobie on guitar, Zoozie on piano, and Toofie on drums).

But only for a quick few seconds as they then decide that we get to dance and sing.

They Dance Like The Bushwhackers, But This Image Is Telling Us The Oogieloves Want Us To Fight The Power.

Oh and we all get to jump up and down.

Is It A Wonder Why Many Parents Didn't Take Their Kids To See This. This Is Stuff That You Don’t Like Your Kids Don’t Do A Home Let Alone In Public.

By the way, we get told that whenever we see these butterflies, you need to get out of your seat.

You Also Want Your Kids To Sit Down In Theaters Yet This Film Wants Them To Do The Opposite.

Oh and when you see turtles, you must sit your ass down.

The Oogieloves then play their instruments as they want the kids to all get up and dance.

And Yes, Goobie Is Trying To Be Freaking Jimmi Hendrix With His Guitar, Of Course Without All The Drugs That Would Kill Mr. Hendrix.

Zoozie tries to play piano backwards

You get the sense that this whole thing is lip-synced as hell.

It’s Like Beyonce At The Super Bowl Or The President’s Inauguration

And mercifully, our kids can finally sit down and we can start the damn movie.

And Finally We Get The Opening Title Card

We go to the Oogieloves house where everyone’s sleeping and……..

AHHH AHHHH AHHHHH AHHHHHH AHHHHHHH

This piece of nightmare fuel is Windy Window and she is basically like the all-knowing being who watches over the Oogieloves. She wakes up the Oogieloves by singing, which two of them proceed to accidentally be fucking Nazis.

Oh You Thought I Was Kidding? Well, I’m Not.

We also meet the Oogieloves pet goldfish Ruffy.

Based On The Fact That This Fish Rarely Moves, I Think He Should Be Dead. But Sadly, He Is Alive And He Speaks.

Ruffy tries to say that it’s fun to swim or that’s all he does, which could fool us because he isn’t you know………SWIMMING! There isn’t even any water in that tank. Ruffy should be dried out and stinking really badly. We then meet Schluffy, who is a baby pillow.

Because Why The Hell Not

Schluffy is still sleeping, which is what he will be doing for most of this movie so get used to that image because this film shows us this several time. Of course today is Schluffy’s birthday (just go with it) and the Oogieloves can’t wait for the party they planned. They are of course waiting for J. Edgar with the present for Schluffy and Windy uses her magic powers to let them see where J. Edgar is. By the way to do this, you have to say “1, 2….1, 2, 3…….Windy Window, what do you see? 1, 2….1, 2, 3…Windy Window, please show me.”

By The Way, J. Edgar Is A Vacuum. Because…..Well, J. Edgar Hoover Existed And Hoover Is The Name Of A Company That Makes Vacuums. Isn’t That Just So Clever That You Just Want To Bash Your Head Into The Wall?

J. Edgar is singing about rolling forward and he has a pair of balloons. He almost runs into a bunch of animal puppets, but is thankfully able to stop before this movie introduces kids to the idea of road kill. Unfortunately, J. Edgar loses the balloons. J. Edgar then comes to the house to tell them the horrible news. When asked why he can’t get new balloons, J. Edgar says that those were the only “magical balloons” left in all of Lovelyloveville. Yes, that is what this town is called. Zoozie tells J. Edgar that the Oogieloves will find the balloons and be back in time for Schluffy’s surprise birthday party.

Goobie has GPS Walkie Talkies just for such an occasion.

J. Edgar thinks he should go with them, but the Oogieloves say that they will be a lot faster on their own so J. Edgar can stay with Windy and make sure Schluffy doesn’t wake up yet.

And judging by those blush marks, J. Edgar has a crush on Windy Window.

So yeah, even though it isn’t specifically said this way, a vacuum cleaner wants to fuck a window. Yeah, I see why people told me this movie would be like an acid trip. Hell, if I was in a state that legalized medical marijuana (I would qualify since I have multiple sclerosis), I would have been toking it up after thinking about that.

Anyway, that is the only reason J. Edgar agrees to stay so the Oogieloves are off to find the magical balloons, although if this was the real world………there would be no way those balloons would be found. But J. Edgar says that they must look after each other and be back on time, which they promise to do. The plan is for J. Edgar use Windy Window to show where each balloon is and then contact the Oogieloves via walkie talkie. Yeah, they do use that magic phrase from earlier so I won’t repeat and they find out that the first balloon is on a very tall tree.

They all try to get on their bikes, but J. Edgar says they all need to get dressed first. They do, but we learn that because Toofie hates belts his pants fall down all the time.

Now they want the kids watching to help them say “Goofy Toofie, pick up your pants”. That’s a running gag in this film which makes me think that with this and the whole vacuum wanting to fuck a mirror, that some depraved person I know would want to make a porno spoof out of this.

Hey, I Take Offense To That Good Sir.

Why would you take offense to that?

Because that would not happen as this movie did so poorly in the box office and is not really known.

And that’s your only reason why you wouldn’t make a porno spoof?

Of course……….what other reason would there be?

*Sigh*

Get the hell out of my induction, Porno Pete.

Back to the film at hand, they then dance about how J. Edgar makes his flapjacks.

And While They’re Dancing, I Can’t Help But See Windy Window Trying To Make Funny Faces.

Well, I guess whatever gets you through this pay check. They then eat the CGI flapjacks before going on their way. They head to the tree and see that it is tall. Toofie wants to climb up the tree to get it since he is a good climber, but with his pants falling down and seeing how high the tree is, the others say no to that idea. They see what looks like a teapot house in a tree, but Zoozie says that it is a tree-pot.

Thank You, Big G………..That Is Exactly What I Was Thinking When I Heard That

We then meet Jubilee Rounder, who lives in the house.

And Has Horrible Ponytail Curls

Of course, Jubilee likes square things, while the grandmother that she lives with loves round things. Jubilee invites them inside the house to help get their tree. By the way, the kids have to get out of their seats thanks to the butterflies and sing along with Jubilee “Lift your arms and lift your legs, and climb up to the top. That’s square.” Then the turtles have the kids sit down again as they enter the house. They tell Ruffy that they will be back, which the fish is fine with since he is a lover, not a climber, which they respond “Silly fish, trees are for kids”.

Even Godzilla Thinks Your Puns Are Stupid, And The Big G Did A Sliding Front Dropkick To Megalon That One Film. Stop Doing Them………Please

They then meet Dottie Rounder…

Or Cloris Leachman In A Wig And Looking For A Paycheck

After Dottie shows her love for circles in a song that they want kids to sing with, they talk about getting their balloon from the tree. Dottie doesn’t know if anyone can climb the tree, but they decide now is the time to let Toofie climb the tree. While I understand that he doesn’t as far as before, it’s still the same distance down if he falls. But what the hell do I know?

So Toofie climbs the tree and gets the balloon. Toofie then worries about climbing down, but the balloon starts talking and tells him to hold on.

Yep………..Magical Talking Balloons.

So Toofie jumps off the tree…………….and dies.

Just kidding, the balloon helps him float down to the bottom. The other Oogieloves congratulate Toofie on getting the first balloon when Toofie says the balloon talks, which Goobie says is scientifically impossible. Goobie, did you forget that this is a magical balloon? Have you ever seen a magical balloon? You can answer that two ways. One, you can say you have in which case, the magical balloon probably hated you being a smart ass; or two, you can say you haven’t which in that case, have a nice cup of Shut The Fuck Up because it’s considered magical for a reason….unless you think that J. Edgar got ripped off by some business man, which knowing J. Edgar, I could understand.

Toofie defends that the balloon talked, but Goobie sidesteps this situation by just saying that Toofie is a hero. The Oogieloves do their cheer over this first balloon and here is the cheer that will be done five freaking times (yeah, it will be done with each balloon).

Oogieloves: Snap Snap Snap, reach for the sky. Snap Snap Snap, twist ‘em side to side and sing Oogielove, Oogielove, O-o-o-o—Oogielove, Oooooooooooogielove!!

There, I just saved you five times of having to hear that terrible cheer. Jubilee gives the Oogieloves a round box as a present for Schluppy. They are happy when Toofie’s pants fall down again. J. Edgar after finding out the coordinates of the next window from Windy Window (who changes drapes every time we see her), using that song which will also be done five freaking times, tells the Oogieloves that the next balloon is at

Yep, Milky Marvin’s Milkshake Manor

Oh by the way, J. Edger has to use a specific chant to get that freaking walkie talkie to work and it’s “Testing Testing, Wam Bam Pow. Goobielove, can you hear me now?” Hey, that’s how they spell wham so don’t shoot the messenger.

The Oogieloves get to this milkshake stop, but find that the balloon is not where it is supposed to be. Zoozie asks two owls in English where Milky Marvin is and they respond with Hoo. Film, I know you can’t help yourself with the “Hoo/Who” gag, but you established that Zoozie can speak animal languages so yeah, a bit of a huge inconsistency there.

Anyway, they enter the place which looks like an old school 50s style milkshake shop, where everything here is done in a Moo pun. The Oogieloves find out where Milky Marvin is by………oh goddammit, Zoozie is now speaking cow to the cow. So yeah, Zoozie’s ability only works whenever the fucking writers need it to work. The cow reveals this to be Milky Marvin.

It’s Chazz Palminteri, Well Known For Playing Italian Gangsters. Everyone Here Is Gonna Get Whacked.

No, not really. He is Milky Marvin and he reveals through his Moo-gaphone (really..) that he is giving away the balloon as a prize to whoever here can finish their milkshake first. Chazz tries to talk like a 50s style performer. The Oogieloves try to plead that the balloon belongs to them, but Marvin says that Marvin already promised the balloon to the winner and he doesn’t break promises. The only way they can get it is by entering and winning the contest. But before we get that we have to have a fucking song sung horribly by Chazz. Chazz….I like you, but you sung this song horribly.

Anyway, they have milkshakes which are just the worst shit you can imagine. Now look, I remember the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have what would be disgusting flavors, but that was just them as the humans ate regular toppings. But in this film, the humans also have the disgusting concoctions. Examples to these pukish concoctions are Peppermint Broccoli Vanilla Rutabaga and Chocolate Pizza Macaroni & Beets. The only one who has some sanity is Goobie who will have a pickle mixture milkshake and I only say that because pickle milkshakes actually do fucking exist. Anyway, Ruffy the fish (who had the Peanut Butter Pumpernickel Pasta Plum Pudding with a pinch of Pepperoni milkshake) wins the milkshake contest, who by the way said before winning this that this sounds freaking disgusting.

Ruffy Does Say That He Could Use A Fish-tol Bismol Now

The Oogieloves get the second balloon and do that stupid cheer in celebration. Milky Marvin gives a milkshake he made special for Schluffy which is Banana Blueberry Bacon Chili. We then get same crap with Windy Window and J. Edgar, which reveals the next balloon to be at Lovelyloveville Airport with Rosebud Airlines.

The Oogieloves head to the airport where they meet Rosalie Rosebud.

Or As You May Know Her, Toni Braxton.

Anyway, the Oogieloves try to ask nicely for Ms. Rosebud to give them their balloon back which is a big mistake because as we all know recently, Toni don’t play that game. I mean seriously, this is the woman who charges her 9-year old and 11-year old 3 dollars a week for rent.

And as I expected, Rosebud says that she can’t bear to live without it, just like she can’t bear to live without her roses which she is allergic to (they cause her to sneeze). They ask if Ms. Rosebud sings, which causes Rosalie to change dresses and say that she definitely does.

Nice Of You To Wear That Kind Of Dress In A Movie Geared Towards Kids.

Rosalie then sings a song called Scratchy Sneezy Cough Cough. Afterwards, they say that Rosalie has a beautiful voice and they are basically sucking up to her (although they probably actually believe what they are saying). Rosalie thinks about giving the balloon back, but one of her sneezes causes her to lose it and it is now attached to the tail of the plane. Rosalie now that her plane can’t take off now and that she may have to cancel her tour.

I don’t know about physics, but I think that plane can easily take off with that balloon attached to it because that plane has more mass. Goobie eats a pickle (because he thinks better with those) and using Rosalie’s boa (which they take it off her so hard that she starts spinning) as well as stacking the luggage to make a trampoline, they are able to get the balloon back. Of course, Goobie needed us to chant “Higher Goobie Higher” so he could get the damn thing. Goobie then learns the balloons can talk because the balloon he has, does so. The Oogieloves do their freaking cheer and they say goodbye to Rosalie. But before they go, Rosalie gives them a gift they should give to Schluffy from her, which is a bouquet of roses.

Back at the house J. Edgar is spinning to calm his nerves because he is getting nervous about the Oogieloves not making it back in time. Also we find out what Schluffy is dreaming about.

Ah Dammit………Shluffy Is Having An Inception Dream, Which Means He Is Probably Dreaming Of Being In A Better Movie, Which I Would Rather Be Watching.

Anyway, through all the crap that we know is gonna be said, we find out along with the Oogieloves that the fourth balloon is….

On Top Of A Large Truck

The Oogieloves go to the truck stop where they meet a bird named Penelope and Bobby Wobbly.

Or Cary Elwes Acting Like A Cowboy And Definitely Is Acting Like He Knows What Movie He Is In, So He Is Going To Have Fun With His Character

Bobby Wobbly as you can guess….wobbles everywhere he goes. He is also the driver and owner of Bobby Wobbly’s Bubbles. He also has a very bad western accent.

They try to ask if they can get their balloon and Bobby Wobbly says that no one besides himself or Penelope is allowed to climb on his truck. By the way, this is his face when he asks if you like bubbles.

I’m Sure Cary Elwes Is Thinking “This Is Crap So I’m Going To Find Ways To Entertain Myself”

Bobby shows them to his shop and mentions that bubbles aren’t selling as well as they used to.

Or As The Nostalgia Critic Would Say “FUCKING BUBBLES!!”

When asks why he wobbles all over the place, Bobby says that it sure is more fun for him than not wobbling and then we have a song with Bobby Wobbly.

Yes, It’s Song Time.

And this is probably the most interesting part of the film, most definitely because Cary Elwes is hamming up the hell out of his performance.

Yes That Is Wesley From The Princess Bride, Robin Hood From Robin Hood: Men In Tights, And Dr. Gordon From The Saw Franchise……Riding A Toy Horse

Toofie loses his pants again so that stupid chant for him to pick up his pants is done. Zoozie is finally able to talk Penelope into trying to fly again and get the balloon with this chant of “You can do it. Just give it a try. Flap your wings and you will fly.” Oh and they do it in her language too.

And Of Course, She Succeeds.

So the Oogieloves have four balloons now and do there stupid ass cheer. Bobby Wobbly gives them a portable bubble machine as a gift for Schluffy and sadly no more Bobby Wobbly.

Through the usual crap, we find out that the fifth balloon is stuck to the top of the windmill.

They try to get there with their bikes, but a llama shakes her head and shows this sign.

They then think about running there, but the llama shakes her head again and shows this sign.

Zoozie tries to speak llama, but the llama looks at her and says that she speaks English. When they tell her that they need to get to the windowmill……….I mean windmill. Goddammit, this movie is even making me dumber. Anyway, when they tell her this, the llama tells them that they will have to ride El Sombrero. What is El Sombrero, you ask?

It’s A Giant Flying Sombrero.

And flying this “El Sombrero” is Lola and Lero Sombrero.

AKA Jamie Pressly And Christopher Lloyd (Who Is Probably Wishing He Was Still Bobby Wobbly (Yes, Christopher Lloyd Was Originally Supposed To Play Bobby Wobbly Before Cary Elwes Was Given The Role Instead)).

You may remember Christopher Lloyd as Doc Brown from the Back To The Future Series, but we here at Monster Crap will remember Jamie Pressley as starring in this film.

Lero speaks normally by hitting the bongos, except when he actually speaks English so Lola does most of the talking and how do they operate this flying sombrero?

Through Salsa Dancing…..Ole!

And Whatever The Hell Christopher Lloyd Is Doing

Even Jamie Pressly Can’t Keep A Straight Face Through This

They get to the windmill and the balloon is way too high for Toofie to climb. Lero then acts like a snake charmer and makes a tulip grow to a large size.

However Toofie is still unable to get the balloon so they need Ruffy to be thrown up to Toofie. Ruffy needs a kiss for good luck so Lola kisses the fish.

Bet You Never Thought You Would See Jamie Pressley Kiss A Fish When You First Started Reading This Induction

The fish is then thrown up to Toofie and even Ruffy is just too short so Goobie asks the viewers at home to chant “You can do it, Ruffy. You can do it.”

Hopefully This Will Suffice For My Involvement On This One

Anyway, Ruffy makes one final jump and catches the balloon.

Lero does his horn playing to bring the tulip down and we get one more freaking Oogieloves cheer. Lero and Lola give the Oogielives their bongos as a present for Schluffy.

Speaking of the little pillow, Schluffy is awake so the Oogieloves now will have to hurry. There is one more small hassle with the balloons blow away because of the massive wind.

Oh Please Tell Me We Don’t Have To Do This Nonsense All Over Again

No, because the balloons say that the only force that is stronger than the wind, is love.

Really, Oogieloves…..You Had To Rip Off The Happening With Your Bullshit Resolution.

Yes, thanks blowing kisses (which they want the viewers of this film to do as well) the balloons come back. Excuse me if I don’t cry bullshit. The Oogieloves come home just in time as Schluffy wants some fresh air. There the surprise birthday party for Schluffy begins as he gets all the presents.

The balloons sing a birthday song and then Windy shows all the celebrities in this film wishing Schluffy a happy birthday and giving him more gifts.

Schluffy talks gibberish and Toofie agrees with him that this is the best surprise birthday party ever. Oh and the Oogieloves do one last dance and mercifully, this film ends.

Well since this was just last year, I don’t have much aftermath from this film. We do know that Kenn Viselman had many disputes with Teletubbies creator Anne Wood because Wood would not allow Viselman to pursue a film adaptation of the Teletubbies show. He then said that after seeing Madea Goes To Jail in a theater, where he saw how African American people in the audience would shout out advice to the characters on screen, Viselman was partially inspired to create a children's film in the vein of Teletubbies with the interactive aspect, allowing the children to sing, dance, and respond to the characters on screen. Production of the film was actually completed in 2009, but the film sat on the shelf for 4 years because Viselman wanted to patent the film's method of providing visual cues and synchronizing house lights for a semi-interactive experience.

So how did all of his effort work out? Well, absolutely bad because despite the whole advertising of the film, even replacing August with Oogust when announcing its release date, the film had the biggest box office bomb of all-time beating out Delgo and Creature for that dubious honor. Ultimately the film would pass Delgo overall, but you will have to realize that Oogieloves played for 23 days in theaters while Delgo only played for 7. And the critics were not to kind to the film as well, the consensus saying "Although it may serve as a passing diversion for very young viewers, The Oogieloves fails to offer much more than several brightly colored examples of the worst stereotypes of modern children's entertainment.” All of Viselman’s efforts as it turned out, failed in a spectacular way. It even has two Razzie nominations for Worst Film and Worst Screen Ensemble.

So my overall thoughts on this film are this. Is it the worst film I have ever seen? The answer is no, not on a personal level nor a technical level. Is it deserving of reality of being the biggest box office bomb of all time? The answer to that question is yes as this film was done as nothing more than a straight-to-DVD film that somehow was released in theaters. I remember seeing the trailer for the film for the only time and I honestly thought that this would be just some crap they release direct to DVD and the film itself feels like something that should have never been in theaters. I've been with little kids and I have been with the parents of little kids so asking people to drive all the way to the theater and take their kids to see something this freaking annoying and something that will be guaranteed to make your theater experience with the kid a miserable one. This film is so freaking annoying that it more than deserves to be the 2012 GINO Award Winner and is in fact an embarrassment to all kid shows and films. However, you could possibly enjoy this film if you were baked off your fucking skull. But the only way I would recommend watching this is if you have an absolutely morbid curiosity to see how bad this film is.

Now that I am done with that crap, let’s see what the audience has for me next.

I’m afraid that is not going to happen.

Why is that?

Well for one, you fucking pissed me off last month by interrupting me and….

Is this going to be payback for that?

There you fucking go again. As I was about to say, I booked this next film to be your next induction a few days before the New Year. But thanks to your crap, you will be suffering throughout the summer starting in May and ending in September as I have found 5 films that will make you regret the day you pissed me off.

I see……well, I’ll worry about that when the time comes so what is the next film for me to induct.

Well….next month is March so what the hell do you think?

Well, It’s Back To The Pot Of Fool’s Gold For Me.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Seth & Mike's Impact Implosion for February 21, 2013 (The UK Tour Gets Fucked)

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Monster Crap Inductee: The Oogieloves in The Big Balloon Adventure (2012)