Monster Crap: December 2012

Monster Crap Inductee: Decoys
Terrible Movies Can Leave Your Heart Very Cold

2004

It’s winter so you know what that means. It’s going to be very cold outside so what better movie to induct than a movie where you can freeze to death from the outside and freeze to death from the inside. Decoys is a 2004 film that debuted on the SyFy Channel (when they were called the Sci-Fi Channel) and it stars Corey Sevier (who played Timmy in that failed 90s reboot of Lassie). It also has Nicole Eggert (who played Jamie Powell in Charles in Charge & played Summer Quinn in Baywatch). Others include Meghan Ory (who was Sherry Woods in the bad Canadian TV series called Vampire High) and Richard Burgi (who was in soap operas and a villain named Deadly Nightshade in the failed TV series of the Flash). Since there really is not much to talk about with the production of this film, let’s get started and hopefully, it goes fast enough so that I can have a Happy Holidays without bad movies.

We begin on Halloween Day….

If There Are Fake Chuds In This Film, I Quit

Thankfully there are no Chuds in sight as instead we get this guy walk into a house that is set up for Halloween and we see with several kids that supposedly no one is home. He checks to see if anyone is home and when he sees a female figure walking around, he tries to knock on the door, but it is open so he enters. The first thing this guy notices is he can see his breath which means the place is freaking freezing. He then notices that it looks like whoever lives here is packing.

That Should Mean Something Is Going On, But I’m Sure This Guy Is Thinking “Hey…………Moving Sex”

Then he notices a guy watching static on the TV screen, but when he goes to talk to the guy.

He’s A Frozen Stiff.......And Apparently He Thinks You Look Horrible

At first, this random guy with no name thinks he is merely a decoration, but he soon sees that it’s a real frozen corpse and that isn’t the only frozen corpse here.

He freaks out and then looks to someone and asks what the hell is going on and then we go to credits.

One Of The Most Awkward Jump Cuts I Have Ever Seen And Yes, That’s Our Title Screen. Hope You Didn’t Break Your Neck From That Whiplash.

By the way, apparently that guy is notable for playing Jay Hogart from Degrassi: The Next Generation. I only say this so if there are any teen readers out there who watch this show, this will get you off my back because I don’t really watch that show.

Anyway, we are at a college during the winter (which if I know anything about college life, it’s that the semester is usually over by this point). There is also a banner to announce that they are having the 7^th Annual Ice Queen Contest. We then meet our main characters.

Luke & Roger

And Alex, Who Is A Fan Of Welding Things

Our main male characters are doing laundry and notice it is cold because some asshole left the window open. While drinking and doing the laundry, Luke meets two blond girls (who are cousins to each other, not our main characters) named Lilly & Constance.

It’s obvious that the two blondes are huge flirters. When they leave and Luke sees that they left a roll of quarters, he tries to go after them to return it. He enters and when he sees that they are coming, he decides to be a pervert by hiding in the closet. First of all douchebag, you should be waiting for them to come back and then you give them the roll of quarters. Secondly, you really are proving to be an unlikable SOB by being trying to be a peeping tom. And yeah, this was the guy who played Timmy in the failed 90s Lassie reboot

If I Had Known That Timmy Would Be This Much Of A Douche In The Future, I Would Have Left His Ass Down In That Well

While in the closet, Lilly talks about how she does not like that the men here are too distracted by their cleavage to have a conversation and wishes she was back with the men back home. Constance says that the men back home are all dead. We then find out that these aren’t two ordinary girls.

Yeah, They’re Aliens

The girls leave the room and then Luke leaves to tell his friend Roger about those ladies. Roger says that he has already met them and has gotten a date with Constance. Now Roger is also looking to score, but he is more likable because he has a reason for wanting to get laid so soon since he kind of has a heart condition that he needs to take pills for. Luke tries to warn Roger about the ladies, but Roger doesn’t believe him and chalks it up to Luke drinking five beers. Anyway, at a restraint, Luke, Roger, Alex, and their friend Gibby talk about what Luke saw.

Alex is actually willing to believe Luke since she likes him, but Gibby and Roger are not. Outside Luke wonders if the aliens came down here to invade and Alex tells him that she doesn’t believe that St. John’s College is on the top of the alien invasion list. And I would make the argument that because it isn’t an obvious target that it is the perfect choice to begin an invasion. I mean, I’ve seen Red Dawn.

Goddammit…………Not That Unnecessary Remake Because I Refuse To Put In Hard Cash To See Something That Will Be Sure To Piss Me Off

Yes, That One………..

Alex actually tries to get Luke to come with her to a Cronenberg Festival down at a nearby theater. If that were me, you know I would take that damn festival in a heartbeat. But this is Luke so he is doing the Sorority Party. At the party, Lilly tries to hit on Luke and asks to dance with him. Before Luke agrees, he sees a horrifying image.

Don’t Worry, Luke Is Just Seeing Things Because That Doesn’t Happen

While dancing, Lilly mentions the roll of quarters showing up in her closet and is wondering who brought her them. Luke of course plays dumb to this whole thing. The nomination of the Ice Queen from the sorority is announced by Bobby Johnson, who is captain of the hockey team.

The winner is Lilly, much to the chagrin of Constance.

Constance goes with Roger to get a drink and after the crowd asking for it, Lilly makes out with Bobby. Luke is not happy about this. Bobby dances with Lilly and they bump into Luke, who bumps into a girl and she is pissed because her Angora sweater got red liquid on it (which is a bitch to remove as all red liquids on shirts other than red are). Her friend calls Luke a loser and Bobby decides to be an ass and agrees, saying he should get his own date. Luke goes to leave, but then decides to punch Bobby in the mouth. He misses of course and hits that same girl he spilt red liquid on.

A fight commences and in the end, it is Bobby who emerges the victor because Luke keeps apologizing for what happened after knocking Bobby down. Luke leaves and Alex follows, trying to calm him down. Back at the party, Constance tries to make out with Roger in the bathroom, but Roger is very hesitant as he wants his first time to be special and romantic, not in the bathroom. Constance leaves and a girl comes in, who pukes in the sink. Lilly goes into the woods with Bobby and while they are having sex, Lilly sprouts out tentacles between her breasts, one goes down Bobby’s throat and freezes him to death from the inside.

All That Tentacle Hentai That Female Characters Have Had To Endure, Well Now The Shoe Is On The Other Foot.

Apparently, somehow Alex is able to hear this, but when asked by Luke, she plays dumb. Luke wakes up the next day to see Roger doing something that he thinks is masturbation, but thankfully it isn’t.

Yeah, He Was Trying To Open A Beer Bottle

Roger mentions that he heard about the fight last night and tells Luke to go for the kneecaps next time. You know what, in a film where almost everyone is a douchebag or a horn dog…..the only characters I like are Roger and Alex. Those two should hook up (Spoiler: They Don’t). Luke asks if Roger got any, but Roger says no because he actually wants to wait for the right moment. Luke and Roger have a heart to heart conversation about what happened yesterday and they both seem to genuinely be friends. There is a knock on the door and it is Detective Amanda Watts.

It’s apparent that Luke and Amanda had a romantic history together which bugs me for these reasons. Luke is supposed to be a freshman in college which would probably make him just 18. Amanda is a detective in the force and they don’t give that position to young people. The only thankful thing is Luke is still supposed to be a virgin, which means they didn’t sleep together because if they did…………..that would be statutory rape. Yeah, you can see why that is a little creepy that he had a relationship with a cop at such a young age, but then again………he says that if Roger tells anyone, he will kill them. So maybe something happened or didn’t, I don’t know…….but this is so wrong in my book.

Anyway, Amanda tells Luke that her partner Detective Kirk has questions for him so they have to go down to the station and what is this about?

Bobby’s Frozen Body Was Found

Anyway, Detective Kirk suspects Luke because of the fight that happened between the two.

At the autopsy, the coroner says that cause of death was being frozen to death, but it was from the inside outward instead of the opposite. Kirk has such an unknown problem with Luke that he keeps calling him puppy for some reason. Kirk then says that he bets his badge the kid did it and when he nails him, it will be his ticket. While leaving the police station, Luke sees the head of the sorority telling Lilly that she was lucky and if she got caught, it would look bad for all of them. Luke wonders what means and now suspects that the whole sorority is filled with a bunch of aliens. Luke goes to the hospital that is keeping Bobby’s frozen corpse and apparently the morgue is easy to get to because we see Luke easily able to get in there to see the corpse. He sees the sketch that believes something was forced down Bobby’s throat and suspects the aliens.

At the restaurant, Luke tells the others what he saw and Roger gives him (rightfully) shit about breaking into the morgue. Even now Alex is starting to tell him how insane he sounds with this whole alien thing. Gibby leaves because he has a date with Natasha. Roger tells Luke that tonight is the night for him and Constance. Alex says that with a death, Constance might not feel up to some nookie, which Roger says Constance feels that now is the perfect time for it, seeing how delicate life is. Luke then tells Roger that he can have the room tonight. The Ice Queen thing is tonight and Luke is going with Alex as his date, even though Alex says there is a guy she likes, but now isn’t the time.

At the dance tonight, Natasha gets news that she has been accepted into the sorority and they all jump around in happiness as only teen girls would do. Lilly enters and they all talk about how she is so brave for being here tonight despite Bobby’s death. By the way, Alex must be color blind because she says that Lilly is in a red dress, when it is clearly light blue. By the way, Luke’s idea to expose these aliens for who they are…….is to plant hidden cameras in the sorority house showers. Yeah……Alex, this guy is a pervert and I would back away. I would also call the freaking cops. I don’t care if he is actually right, he is doing this in creepy ways when there are better alternatives.

Alex reluctantly goes along with this plan and sets up the camera in the showers. He also set a camera up in his own room for when Roger supposedly has sex with Constance. Meanwhile, Natasha takes Gibby to the cemetery for them to have sex in one of the tombs. Of course, since Natasha is one of the aliens, Gibby is a dead man.

Back at the dance, Constance is jealous of Lilly for all the attention she is getting and since Roger is drunk, she decides to do something bold.

Yeah, Roger is definitely impressed. We then have a freaking talent show. One of the girls decides to impress with a flamethrower which scares the chicks who we know are aliens, of course giving Luke an idea about how to destroy them. The winner of the contest is announced as Lilly

Constance decides that tonight is not the night since Roger is hammered and has to be helped home by Alex while Luke goes with Lilly. Outside, Lilly shows Luke Orion’s Belt. Um…..if she is an alien, how would they know about Orion’s belt? Never mind…….let’s continue on because lord knows this movie isn’t going to say anything. They go back to Luke’s room and dance. They then make out (with Alex (who we knows likes Luke) watching through the hidden camera). Lilly senses the camera and causes it to glitch so Alex can’t see the alien stuff happen. Lilly, feeling betrayed, tries to kill Luke, but Luke is not killed thanks to the heat from a fire that just got lit, which causes her to reveal her true form.

Lilly runs away and Luke wonders if Alex saw any of that. Alex tells him about the camera glitching out which means that plan has gone tits up. He then looks at the shower cam and tries to show the evidence of the mark that says they are aliens, but Kirk doesn’t see it and believes that Luke is a pervert. Outside the police station, Luke confronts Amanda about leaving him. Luke…….Amanda is a cop who was an adult while you were 18, she would have gone to jail if the relationship was kept. But of course, she is supposed to be the one at fault for leaving him. Meanwhile, we see Constance and Roger having a conversation with Roger apologizing for getting hammered, which Constance forgives him and says she made the most of it, then cutting to scenes of her killing a guy.

Luke then figures out that since the aliens love the cold, they must hate the heat. Luke goes ballistic yelling at Alex and wrecking the room in an attempt to find some evidence. It gets so bad that even Roger tells Luke to knock it off. Luke sneaks into the sorority house……again. Meanwhile, Constance and Roger are making out, but Roger talks about Luke’s issues with believing this alien nonsense. Now normally an evil alien would just say Luke is crazy and continue on with killing Roger through sex, but this is different. Constance actually confesses to Roger that she is an alien.

No, I’m not making that up……..Constance admits to Roger that Luke is right about her. Constance then explains that all the men on her planet are dead so they need to find a way to keep her race going. She says that they sent a scout ahead to scout out this planet two years ago and she found that this race can breed their kind. Only problem is every time they try, the human dies because they are frozen and the alien spawn never becomes born so they keep trying until they can find a method to make the alien breeding process work. Because Constance admitted all of this, she now doesn’t want to have sex with Roger until they are able to perfect the breeding so Roger doesn’t become another casualty.

Here’s where it gets really interesting, Roger (despite knowing that he has a bad heart and that the possibility is really there that he could die) tells Constance to go through with it. Yes, Roger is willing to sacrifice himself so their species of alien can survive because he loves Constance so much. This is why I have said that Roger is my favorite character. He knows that he could die through this process because no one else has survived and he has a bad heart, but fuck it….he’s willing to risk it all so Constance can keep her alien race alive through breeding.

On the other hand, we have Luke tying up Lilly and threatening her with a blowtorch. Lilly keeps playing dumb and Luke insists with his interrogation tactics. This is why I fucking hate Luke despite the fact that he is right with the whole alien thing. The methods that he uses to figure this stuff out are downright sick and more than likely, he would grow up to be an abusive sexual predator. So yeah…………Roger can figure this stuff out with being upfront and caring while Luke is a complete dipshit. Roger may be a horn dog too, but he actually cares for others while the only person who Luke has shown any friendship with is Roger.

The Right Way To Go About Things

The Wrong Way To Go About Things

By the way, I should mention that these aliens don’t have belly buttons, something that Roger notices on Constance. Back at the interrogation, thankfully the sorority leader Vicki has a tennis racket and chases Luke out.

Of course now Luke believes that Vicki is one of the aliens too (maybe the scout Constance was talking to Roger about). Luke finds out that Constance is with Roger and races to save his friend because he believes Constance is going to kill him. Meanwhile Roger and Constance have sex despite Constance reluctance to go through with this. Luke barges in, but the two are all done and Roger is fine. However, stuff starts happening to Roger and Luke has Alex call 911 as the alien spawn comes out of Roger.

Luke chases Constance off and Roger is put in an ambulance with Luke. Sadly for Luke and sadly for all of us who have to continue watching this film, the most redeemable character in this film, Roger, dies in the truck.

The only thing I will say is that they handle Roger’s death very well because this is sad. Unfortunately Luke doesn’t handle it well. He is able to get Amanda to go along with them as they invade the sorority house while they are having male guests.

We do learn one thing.

Vicki Is Not An Alien (Let Alone An Alien Scout)

Now to bring on the senseless alien carnage that would not happen if Luke were more like Roger.

Yeah, Luke kills Natasha and Lilly (with bad puns like “The Belt of O-Fry-on) while Amanda kills an unknown alien that was just there. Constance runs away, but she is caught by Luke. Luke tries to fry her, but the flamethrower stops working so Constance starts kicking his ass. Constance is about to tentacle rape him (deservedly so), but Luke is sadly saved by Amanda.

Luke then grabs an axe and breaks open several steam pipes, which kills Constance.

Dammit

Now everything is fine and Luke is no longer a suspect since there are people to corroborate his story. Alex now comes in and it is now Alex and Luke who are a couple. The two go off to have the final romantic scene

Then the twist comes in and it turns out Alex was the alien scout as she has no belly button and it was she who was the one who killed all the guys before the opening credits.

And Luke finds out too late about this when Alex tentacle rapes him.

Yes!!! Yes!!! Yes!!! Yes!!! Yes!!!

And Silent Night is sung while this film ends.

There is actually a sequel to this film, but we will get to that next year. Corey Sevier (who played the dick that is Luke) has gone on to be in more films that will be inducted into this site. Stephenie von Pfetten (who played Lilly) has gone on to be Demeter in Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief. Elias Toufexis (who played the sympathetic Roger) has done more crappy films that will be on this site, but has also found a way into voice acting for video games. Richard Burgi (who played Detective Kirk) has been in a lot of stuff that I despise and some I will induct in the future. But the two people who may have come out of this the best were Kim Pourier, who that same year was the slutty character in the Dawn of the Dead remake and Meghan Ory became Little Red Riding Hood/Ruby in the hit series Once Upon A Time.

Now onto the moment you have all been waiting for, my opinion of this film. Yeah…………..this film is not that good. It has some good ideas that are poorly executed and the major flaw is the hero (even if he is right) does everything the wrong way that you don’t care that he is right, he deserves to fail. He’s not even an antihero in the way he does things. He is just an unlovable, perverted douchebag. And whatever dread you are supposed to feel about him being screwed at the end, is not there because you are actually happy to see it happen. You should not want to see your lead good guy die. I can deal with the CGI, which I have seen way worse. I can deal with the cliché characters (because they get killed). I can deal with a character that I like, getting killed because it does make me emotionally sad when he does. But don’t say that the guy who we are supposed to be rooting for, is a complete douche. It’s that simple.

Is that all, NegaSeth?

Yeah, That’s It. And Because It’s December & Next Month Will Be The Poll For The GINO Award Winner, I Don’t Have Anything So You Have A Sabbatical………For Now.

Thank you………and I wish every reader out there a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Ya Filthy Animals….

Friday, December 21, 2012

Seth & Mike's Impact Implosion for December 20, 2012 (Naptime at the Impact Zone)

Friday, December 14, 2012

Monster Crap Inductee: Decoys (2004)