Monster Crap: June 2011

Monster Crap Inductee: Sharktopus
No Subtitle Needed As The Title Speaks For Itself

2010

You all may remember the Academy Award honoring B-movie legend Roger Corman with an honorary Oscar. Hell, because of that accomplishment and the fact that I could say “Roger Corman got an Oscar”, I made October of last year Roger Corman Month and I had a whole list of Monster Crap worthy nominees that all came from the great man himself. I have had a lot to say about good ol’ Roger and his films, but the word that never comes to my mind is boring. No matter how bad these movies may be and how mad they may make me, it was never because I was bored. For several years now, he has had a working relationship with the SyFy Channel (formally the Sci-Fi Channel….it’s probably best I don’t rant on that whole crap) and has given them several SyFy Originals.

After the film Dinoshark (I will get into that one eventually), SyFy came to him about an idea called Sharktopus. Originally, Roger Corman didn’t want to do the film because even for him, he thought the idea was insane. But eventually he was talked into doing the idea when they thought about why a creature would exist (the whole black operations gene splicing idea). The monster was then created in pre-production and SyFy immediately decided to create buzz for this film by immediately treating it like it was going to be one of those B-movies. Most of the times, SyFy actually pushes their movies very seriously and for this one, they decided to do the exact opposite.

They then started casting and the big name they immediately got was a guy who had worked with Corman in Cyclops (another film I will one day review), Eric Roberts. When asked why he chose this film, Eric Roberts said the idea was so awesomely bad and that working on the film sounded so fun that he immediately signed on. They also got Declan O’Brien, who Roger Corman had previously worked with on Cyclops and liked his style of directing. Ralph Garman who did various voices for Seth McFarlane’s Family Guy, heard about this film and actually petitioned to get in the film. Well, he got his wish.

As you all damn well know, this was one of those rare films that as soon as I heard about it, I immediately wanted to induct this film. Hell, the reason it wasn’t on the 2010 GINO Award Poll was because it was sadly not out on DVD. But now it is and I am not waiting any longer to induct this film so consider this one of those rare and I mean RARE times where I don’t wait for a poll to induct this film. Furthermore……okay, I have to stop talking so let’s get into this rare treasure of Monster Crap goodness.

We begin with….

The Title Screen…………Damn, Not Wasting Time Here

After that, we get a small montage of the beautiful scenery in Santa Monica, California. After that, we see two women on the beach. One of them would rather text than go in the water. That’s my kind of person as I am not a fan of the beach myself. But her excuse is rather mind-boggling in that she doesn’t want to go because there are fish in there. Lady, fish are in almost every body of water and if they aren’t, you don’t want to be swimming in there yourself.

The other lady goes into the water, but we immediately notice that there is a shark nearby. Her texting friend notices the shark and calls out to her friend about the incoming fish. As her friends swims away, it seems as if she will not make before the shark attack, knowing the speed of a shark in the water. But the shark itself is grabbed by tentacles.

It is our Sharktopus as its shadowy figure is being controlled…..

Controlled by Nathan Sands and his team of Bluewater scientists. If you are wondering, Bluewater is a riff on Blackwater, which is a private mercenary group we have used in the Middle East. Anyway, we meet Nathan Sands, who is with Commander Cox showing him their Sharktopus creation in action. They call it S-11, but we will call it Sharktopus for this film. Basically this has been a black ops project to create the next Navy’s superweapon.

A speedboat comes by and Commander Cox wants Sharktopus to go near it. Bluewater thinks it is too dangerous, but Commander Cox is insistent that this happen if they want another penny from the Navy. Well, their control device is screwed up by the speed boat motor and before they can hit the switch to kill it, Sharktopus removes the device with its tentacles.

The Boat Itself Crashes

And Sharktopus Is On The Loose

Commander Cox immediately is outraged by Sharktopus going rogue (even though it was kind of his fault as if he didn’t cause the device to see Sharktopus in more action himself). Immediately, two guys hanging off a ship are killed by Sharktopus.

We immediately learned that Sharktopus is heading south and my south, we mean Mexico.

Puerto Vallarta, Mexico To Be Exact

We get another montage, this time of the fun that can be had in this resort town. Because of Sharktopus’ migratory instincts, the folks at Bluewater reason that Sharktopus is around there. One of the men, Santos, tells Nathan that he should hire an ex-employee, Andy Flynn to help in the search for Sharktopus. Nathan is against this because he didn’t like the man asking for a raise, but Santos is able to convince him to rehire the guy.

We immediately meet Andy, who is having fun at a pool with some tequila.

He immediately plays with some ladies when Santos shows up. Santos immediately tells him that he got Andy rehired, but Andy is reluctant until he is told Sharktopus escaped. Andy immediately agrees when he hears that.

Elsewhere we see a girl in a bikini with a metal detector.

Her metal detector helps her find a gold coin that was buried in the beach. Of course at that exact moment, an old guy sees the view of her ass.

That Old Man Of Course, Is Roger Corman Himself

As the old man is checking enjoying gawking at the woman’s ass, Sharktopus decides to play cock-blocker by dragging the girl to sea, in essence killing her.

But then again, what do you think Roger Corman here does. Call the cops??? Hell no…..Roger takes the gold coin she found and takes it for his own.

Did You Really Think The Man, Who It Was Said “Could Negotiate The Production Of A Film On A Pay Phone, Shoot The Film In The Booth, & Finance It With The Money In The Change Slot”, Would Do Anything Else In Said Situation?

Anyway, there is a meeting between Nathan, his daughter Nicole, and Andy. Andy is easily able to negotiate a high pay for his services as Nathan reluctantly agrees.

But Not Before Telling Andy That He Thinks The Guy Is A “Money-Grubbing Neanderthal”

I wish he had said, your job is so easy………a caveman could do it.

But Then He Would Have The Geico Caveman Wanting To Sue His Ass

Andy says to Nicole that she needs to get her stuff ready as they are going to the boat to meet Santos and take care of Sharktopus. At a bar in town, we meet a reporter Stacy Everheart and her cameraman Bones.

Wait……….I Know I’ve Seen That Cameraman Before…

Ah Crap…………It’s The Goatman From Epic Movie.

Back to the movie (and away from my nightmares), Stacy talks to Pez, a captain who says that he saw Sharktopus. Stacy is interested in the story and doesn’t believe Pez’s story that this was a joke as she knows the creature has already been spotted here and elsewhere. Stacy pays him to show her where he saw the creature and Pez reluctantly agrees.

Look At Him, Why Wouldn’t He Agree???

Meanwhile, two people are jogging.

I Should Add That The Woman In This Shot Is Roger Corman’s Daughter, Mary

They decide then to go bungee jumping. Mary originally wanted to do this stunt herself and her father was well, very reluctant. Luckily for him, things happened that prevented her from doing the bungee jumping and a stunt double did it in her place. The girl starts having fun bungee jumping and wants to do it again. However…..

Sharktopus Eats Her Like A Fish Would Eat The Lure Off A Fishing Pole

Andy thinks about hitting on the boss’ daughter Nicole and Santos tells him he will fail miserably.

She Is Rather Attractive, But Not Enough For Me To Risk My Ass To The Boss….Especially If Said Boss Has Martial Arts Training Like Eric Roberts Does. The Man Was In Best Of The Best After All.

Of course, he tries to hit on her and fails miserably.

On another boat, we meet Captain Jack and his assistant Stephie. Captain Jack is played by Ralph Garman, who like I said petitioned to be in this film. However, none of the audience is paying attention to him (in many people’s opinion) when his assistant is played by Miss USA 2004 Shandi Finnessey.

Yeah Ralph………….Everybody Is Probably Paying Attention To The Babe Next To You, To Listen To Anything Your Saying.

At least Captain Jack is a pirate radio host as he would be screwed in the television world with an assistant like that. Captain Jack talks a good game and disses the FCC for having his ass kicked out of America, but he secretly wishes he was back as one of his problems is with the sunshine. Stephie gets news of Sharktopus and tries to tell Captain Jack of this development, but our sunshine complainer brushes it off as false information.

A montage of bikini clad women brings us to our next scene with Stacy, Bones, and Pez. Pez shows them where he took the photo. Pez says the thing will show up again because octopi are very territorial and since this thing is half octopus, it will follow that trait.

Out in the water, Santos, Nicole, and Andy search for the freak. We immediately see that they are being followed by Nathan who has his own bigger boat. Santos and Nicole talk about how they brought two darts and each dart has enough tranquilizers to kill a bull shark, but because Sharktopus has a higher metabolism, it will only calm the beast. They have a signal of where Sharktopus is at, and of course, it is near the resorts.

Back at the shore, Stacy has an interview with Pez about the creature. Of course, Sharktopus can be seen by the camera crew and we go towards more montages: this time of people having fun at the beach. A yoga crew is at the beach and one of the women gets interrupted by a guy trying to hit on her, while getting his ball back. She throws the ball into the water and he goes after it. Of course Sharktopus shows up to kill the guy when he throws the ball back to his friend. The beast scares the onlookers who run away. Meanwhile Bones is getting the whole thing via his camera.

Sharktopus Then Kills The Friend Of The Guy Who Was Hitting On The Yoga Woman. We Also See The Glorious Terrible CG At Work.

It also kills the yoga lady with his pointy end of its tentacles. Oh I forgot to add that many of Sharktopus’ tentacles have pointy ends that he can use to stab people. A sunbathing woman also gets eaten by Sharktopus. Stacy, Pez, and Bones finally stop shooting and run as Sharktopus grabs their car.

Back on the boat, Nicole loses the signal to Sharktopus and Andy is rightfully upset. Andy wonders if they are chasing ghosts and Santos says he doesn’t think so as we see the bodies of victims from Sharktopus’ attack. They then go towards a big rock because as Nicole says, “octopi like big rocks”. On his boat, Nathan gets told by a subordinate that there is something on TV he needs to see. Apparently, it is Stacy’s news report about the attack. The subordinate tells Nathan that Commander Cox is calling. Nathan says patch him in, but first………get him “a great big enormous scotch”.

Hey I Understand, Sometimes I Need Booze To Get Through Some Of These Inductions Or To Wipe Any Memory I Have Of The Terrible Film

At another shore, Andy tells Nicole that there is something he hasn’t been told about what Sharktopus was doing. She doesn’t know what he is talking about and suggests that the damaged device is screwing with Sharktopus’ brain, but Andy suggests that Nathan did something to the creature. Nicole thinks that is preposterous because she would know if there was anything her dad did with the beast. Andy suggests that her father wanted Sharktopus to succeed at all costs and Nicole tells him that he isn’t being paid to suggest, he is being paid to do a job and if he can’t do that job, then Bluewater will find someone who can.

At the hotel, Stacy is being told she is being replaced by a bigger news personality to do the story. She is rightfully pissed that this story is being taken from her and she decides to go rogue in doing the story herself. She gets Pez to take them out to the coastline to get up close and personal shots of Sharktopus because if they do, the network would have to make them the leads.

Back with our main people, two divers and Andy go down to get Sharktopus. Nicole reminds him that the creature is not to be harmed and Andy says he has 300,000 reasons to bring the monster back in one piece. Back at the bigger boat, Commander Cox is browbeating Nathan for what has happened.

Commander Cox asks if Nathan is drinking and instead of hiding it, Eric Roberts proves how awesome he is as his character says hell yes he has been drinking and he explains that it is scotch. Cox tries to talk some more, but Nathan interrupts by saying that the navy wanted a killing machine and they got one.

Back to Andy and the divers, they don’t fair too well as Andy is the only one who makes it out alive. On another boat, we see Pez leading Stacy and Bones to where he thinks they will see the creature next. Nathan calls and when Nicole talks about how Sharktopus is killing at random, Nathan fesses up to saying he had the tech boys make some adjustments to its sub routines. Nicole is not happy about this and Nathan explains that the creature was a hunter, they needed a killer. When pressed if she is with him, Nicole says yes to her father.

When the main boat goes south, they see the other boat helmed by Pez. They try to get the boat to move and they won’t, Andy immediately shoots his gun in the air and that gets Pez’s attention. Pez tries to leave, but Stacy’s carelessness causes her to purposely throw the keys away. When Pez tries to grab the keys, Sharktopus drags him into the water and kills him afterwards.

Andy immediately shoots at Sharktopus despite Nicole being against this. Andy is able to get Sharktopus off the ship which saves Stacy and Bones. The Sharktopus goes towards another beach and we get a small montage. A bunch of jet skiers hassle a fishing boat and that pisses off the fisherman. The jet skiing guy smiles as the punks leave, but the guy gets killed.

That’s What You Get, Punk!!!

When the other two punks wonder where their friend went, they are also killed by Sharktopus. The fisherman and his wife can’t believe the carnage that they have seen. Back on the main boat, Nicole apologizes for the way she has treated Andy this whole time. She then tells Andy about what Nathan did to the creature. At a bar, Bones is upset over what happened as Stacy finds out about Bluewater. Stacy doesn’t seem broken up over the dead guy as she is more interested in the story.

Stephie gets more news on Sharktopus which Captain Jack still treats like crap, despite the fact that a major news organization has now released the story. He finally finds out this story is real the hard way.

Via Sharktopus Killing Him

Meanwhile, the fishing boat gets attacked and the husband and wife are killed.

Andy and Santos use chum to lure Sharktopus towards them. This works, but sadly Santos gets dragged under and killed.

With his best friend dead, Andy is now determined to kill the beast. They chase the beast towards another beach where Stacy and Bones happen to be. Andy uses Nicole’s phone to tell her father that the deal is off and Sharktopus is going to die now. Nathan tries to offer to raise his salary to a million dollars, but Andy says this is personal and no amount of money will change his mind. Nathan gets another call from Commander Cox who is pissed the monster has not been caught yet. Nathan immediately tells Cox to shut up and has his call cut off.

Sharktopus gets to the resort and kills some dancers while some idiots think that it is a great effect.

This Has Never Been A Great Effect

Andy comes into the place and starts shooting at the creature, but the bullets have no effect on Sharktopus as it leaves. While leaving themselves, Andy and Santos run into Nathan, who is with some mercenaries of his own. They plan on taking the beast alive, but Sharktopus has other plans. The two mercenaries are disposed of easily and Sharktopus goes after Nicole, but Nathan saves his daughter by sacrificing himself.

In his dying breath, Nathan reveals that they can still kill Sharktopus by using the computer and the interface dart to detonate its brain, but they need to be extremely close to it and it may take a few minutes. As Andy and Nicole leave to track the beast, they are interrupted by Stacy and Bones. Stacy wants an interview with Andy, but Andy doesn’t want one. He tells them that if they leave Bluewater and their names out of the story, they will get exclusive video of the destruction of Sharktopus.

At yet another resort, this time near the river…..Sharktopus attacks. This time he kills some more tourists and a mother and son are separated. Andy is told about the plan by Nicole and he decides to go with it because it is a better plan than no plan. When the mother asks for their help to find her son, he agrees. Stacy gets an attitude with Bones and since Stacy doesn’t care what happens as long as she gets her story, Bones quits. Andy is immediately able to reunite the kid with his mom. When Stacy tries to chase after Bones since the guy still has the camera, she sees her cameraman is pretty much dead.

The creature then attacks Stacy and let’s just say she won’t be covering any more new stories anymore.

Andy immediately shoots the creature with the interface dart and of course, Sharktopus is not pleased. Sharktopus grabs Andy as Nicole sets up her computer. All seems lost for Andy, but he struggles enough for Nicole to activate the kill switch and blow Sharktopus’ head off.

Nicole asks if Andy needs help, but Andy says he will be just fine. He says that thing better not jump out at them again, to which Nicole responds that only happens in the movies. And that ends our film.

SyFy promoted this film using Ralph Garman to play like a cheesy horror host for the film. The film was the most watched SyFy Original ever in the month of September, but it is not the most watched SyFy Original ever as Lake Placid 3 was able to gain that honor a few months before this film. Declan O’Brien (the director) is going on to do Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings (yes, there will be a fourth film of that series). Eric Roberts was on the Young & The Restless and of course there are a whole bunch of films he is attached to. Shandi Finnessey (who played Stephie) will be in another SyFy original Piranhaconda (not making that title up). Hector Jimenez will be in the sequel to the Piranha remake called Piranha 3DD.

This movie is the definition of cheese. With a title like that, you would be surprised if this film was anything else. The effects while cheesy go with the flow of the film. The dialogue is definitely terrible, but you can tell that everyone was having a hell of a time making this film, especially Eric Roberts. There is nothing more I can say about this film other than, it belongs on this site by name alone………and the result belongs in as well.

Now I actually have a bunch of stuff that will be happening next month. First of all, I am working on an induction with Sigma Fan for his Game Show Garbage that you will find out what it is about later.

Secondly I will be at my second ever horror convention in the Fright Night Film Fest, with main guests being John Carpenter and Henry Winkler (The Fonz). Hopefully, I will be able to meet CK and Uncle Bill, who will also be at said convention, and I plan to take some pictures for another episode of Seth’s Odyssey.

We will now transition from a film with bad effects, but entertaining………to our next induction, a film with bad effects…….but unlike the last film, this one will be BORING!!!