Monster Crap: November 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Halloween 3: Season Of The Witch
The Night No Halloween Fan Came Home……Happy

1982

Sometimes when doing Monster Crap, you have to induct movies that are very controversial in how fans see the films. This film is definitely no exception as many consider Halloween 3: Season Of The Witch one of the worst horror movies of all time. However, there are a lot of people who have spoken their love of this film and I am one of those people. However, I do understand all of the hate for this film as it did a move that would be end very badly.

Now before I say what that move was, I have to go into the history of the Halloween franchise.

In 1978, what started as a simple idea of a babysitter being stalked by a killer became so much more in the very good hands of director John Carpenter. John Carpenter decided instead of having a regular old serial killer, he would create a serial killer that would be seen as a supernatural force. That serial killer would be then named Michael Myers.

The storyline behind Michael Myers is that he was a normal everyday kid until one day on Halloween Night at the age of six; he would kill his older sister via a butcher knife in cold blood. Yes, there is no back-story to why he did it at all, he just did it. 15 years later, we would then be introduced to Michael Myers’ psychiatrist, Dr. Sam Loomis. As Sam would say later on…

Dr. Sam Loomis: I met him, fifteen years ago. I was told there was nothing left. No reason, no conscience, no understanding; even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, good or evil, right or wrong. I met this six-year old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face and, the blackest eyes…the devil’s eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized what was living behind that boy’s eyes was purely and simply…..evil.

Alas Michael Myers escapes and returns to his hometown of Haddonfield, Indiana where he would start killing teenagers. One teenager would survive this whole ordeal and that character would be Laurie Strode, who is saved when Dr. Loomis shoots Michael six times and he falls out of the second floor balcony. The ending would be one of the most memorable as when Dr. Loomis looks over the balcony; he sees that no one is there, indicating that Michael Myers is still alive. This film would become a huge hit and other than Psycho, would be considered one of the inspirations for almost all slasher films.

4 years later, despite major trepidation by John Carpenter, he would produce a sequel in which he decided not to direct. However, in the sequel….John Carpenter’s handiwork could be felt all through this sequel from the music to the atmosphere. The sequel would reveal that Laurie Strode was Michael Myers’s long lost younger sister. The sequel would also end all speculation of how the whole nightmare ended by killing off Michael Myers. No, there was no plan to resurrect him….Michael Myers was dead. Dr. Loomis takes his own life to kill the monster that was Michael Myers.

Now when time for there was to be a Halloween III, John Carpenter would have all of his fingerprints on this film again, but once again….he decided not to direct and instead gave that job to his good friend and associate, Tommy Lee Wallace. And what would be the controversial move made that would still scar people to this very day? They decided to do a completely new story. That’s right, no Laurie Strode, no Dr. Loomis, no Haddonfield, and most painful of all to those who hate this film, NO MICHAEL MYERS. The idea was that every Halloween, there would be a new Halloween with a completely different story, kind of like an anthology that would keep going and going. Truth be told, this was what caused John to really be reluctant to continue the Michael Myers storyline in Halloween 2 and quite frankly, I understand as Halloween 2 without Michael Myers would be a lot easier to swallow than Halloween 3 without Michael Myers. But enough with the back-story for now and let us get to the actual film.

We start this movie with the opening credits trying to with a puzzle that was created simply by your average computer that reveals itself to be…..

A Pumpkin...

Okay, I admit…it is definitely lazy of the opening credits, but it does have awesome music supplied by John Carpenter and Alan Howarth. Also while this pumpkin appears on the screen, it basically flashes white frequently as if this was on your old ass television. In Northern California…..

Damn It, I Wanted To Be In Southern California. Oh Well

We also find out it is October…

It then adds….

Jeez….This Movie Is Really Nice To People Who Read Very Slowly By Taking Its Sweet Ass Time Telling Us All Of This.

We then see a man running.

Is it Arnold Schwarzenegger from The Running Man?

No, It Is Just Some Old Man.

Of course, he is being chased by a car and of course, I have to make the following joke.

Grandpa Must Have Escaped From The Retirement Home Again.

The old man runs into a junkyard and eventually, he runs into a man in a suit.

Bahahahahahahaha!!!!

I’m sorry folks….I know this guy is supposed to be evil and all based on the music, but this guy looks like someone you would meet online trying to pose as a girl or someone who plays Dungeons and Dragons religiously.

Look, I Told You That I Want To Be Dungeon Master This Time

No…actually the nerd in the suit is trying to strangle the old man, but the old man grabs a chain that is hooked up to a barrier that is keeping a car still. The barrier is gone and now the car smashes the nerd between two cars while not killing the old man. Another guy in the suit gets out of the car chasing the old man and the old guy decides to run again. Oh yeah, I should add that he takes time to take a Halloween mask with him. Don’t know why yet, but he is probably a crazy old man so let’s just ignore it for now.

One hour later, we go to a gas station where we see a black guy watching the news. On the news, it reveals that someone has stolen one of the stones from Stonehenge nine months ago. Dear god, I can only think of one person who can be so good at stealing giant landmarks.

Carmen Sandiego and V.I.L.E. Strike Again! Someone Better Call The ACME Agency.

And of course just for shits and giggles while remembering a great TV show, I want you to click on this link before continuing the review.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vPywpcyUQg

Now back to the movie….after the news bit, we get the theme song from Silver Shamrock, a mask and toy making company, trying to get us to buy masks and prepare for the big Halloween giveaway.

http://content.ytmnd.com/content/2/5/7/257368193c9a4fa5dbc6c018210a17b2.wav

Just get used to that theme song now because you will be hearing it throughout the entire movie. I will admit though that the commercials are effective while annoying. Before the commercial can finish, lightning forces the power to go out. Our black guy hears noises also and decides to take a look. Now normally you know that this would mean a tragic end to our black chap, but this movie decides to keep him alive while having the old man jump out at him before the old man faints.

This Is A Horror Movie, Man. Get Out Before They Kill You.

He also warns the black guy that “they are coming”. The black man decides to be a Good Samaritan and take this old white man into the hospital. Meanwhile, we see that a guy in a suit sees all of this going on.

We then cut to a guy entering a house and asks if anyone is home. We then see kids go to hug him revealing that he is their father. Dad tries to give the kids masks for Halloween, but they reveal that Mom gave them Silver Shamrock masks while singing the theme song. The Mom basically decides to brag to the Dad by saying “Nice Try”. He asks the Mom how she has been before being called back to the hospital. While these two are arguing, we find out that the father is a doctor at the hospital and the two parents are divorced. We then find out that this guy is our main character and his name is Dr. Dan Challis. We also find out that….

OH MY GOD….It’s Tom Atkins!!!!!

If you don’t know who Tom Atkins is by now, I feel sorry for you because as far as horror movies go, Tom Atkins is one of the coolest guys to ever exist. Now when this film was released, he was only known as the guy who played Nick Castle in the original The Fog, directed by John Carpenter. However, he would have other awesome roles after this film later on….but Tom Atkins being in this film basically means no matter how much of an asshole he is, I already love this character.

Anyway, Dan comes into the hospital where they are now treating the old guy from earlier who was brought in by the black guy. This black gentleman is also very smart because soon after all of this happens, he decides to mostly disappear from this film. I guess he figured out that if he was actually a major character in this film, horror rules dictates that he dies. Smart move.

The old man awakes when he hears that damn Silver Shamrock commercial and tries to warn everyone that “they are going to kill us…..all of us”. He then drops the mask before passing out again and Dan is really curious about the mask. Meanwhile, we do figure out that the guy in the suit who saw the truck driving away followed them to the hospital. He sneaks into the hospital and while the nurse & doctor are away, he goes into the old man’s room. He covers the old man’s mouth so he won’t scream and pulls part of the man’s skull out near his nose.

Man In The Suit Wins………Fatality

Our assassin then decides to clean his hands off of the blood using the curtains before leaving. He runs into the nurse who yells at him that visiting hours are over. He then walks away while the nurse enters the room and screams. This gets the attention of Dan who goes to check on her. She tells him that a man in the suit just killed the old man and shows him where this assassin went. Dan goes after the assassin who enters his car. The assassin then pours gasoline on himself and lights a match, thus blowing himself and the car up.

Looks Like Our Assassin Is Now Extra Crispy…

Dan gives the same look that all of us would be thinking at this point.

What The Hell Just Happened???

Well Dan and everyone else, I know just the person to ask on this situation. He is also a gentleman who blew himself up. Achmed The Dead Terrorist, do you why all of this happened???

SILENCE……..I KILL YOU!!!!

Okay…..I guess he does not want to answer that question. Moving back to the movie, Dan tells the police what happened and gets even more curious about the whole mask and the old man’s last words to him. The next day, a young woman named Ellie comes in demanding to see her father. She sees the old man dead and cries, wondering why this all happened.

The next day, Dan talks to the Coroner’s assistant named Teddy. Surprisingly enough with that name, Teddy is actually a woman. And get used to it now because I don’t want you thinking thoughts that are untrue later on.

There, That Should Be Enough Proof That The Person Named Teddy He Is Talking To Is A Woman.

She tells Dan that they have no new evidence to support his curiosity on this case. She even mentions that the sheriff thinks the killer was on drugs. Dan doesn’t believe that for a second because the killer looked like a businessman and was very much in control of his actions. She then mentions that the guy had to be strong to pull a man’s skull apart. He finally convinces Teddy to look at this case because he has never seen anything like this and thinks something fishy is going on. Basically we can sense that Dan had a relationship with Teddy and we also reveal that Dan can be a bit of an alcoholic.

We then go to a bar the next day and see Dan drinking his problems away and since the television is on cartoons, he asks the bartender to change stations. Oh good because for a second there, I thought this guy would watch cartoons like Tommy Ward did in Zarkorr The Invader.

Yes, That Movie Still Has Left Me Some Mental Scars And Sadly, I Own The Damn Thing. That Is Definitely One Movie That I Would Have No Problem Getting Rid Of.

When the bartender changes the channel, we see what may possibly be the biggest kick to the balls of all the Michael Myers fans.

The First Two Halloween Movies Are Just Movies In This Movie.

I understand why some fans were pissed off because let’s be honest, you don’t do that to fans who went into this movie thinking and anticipating the sight of Michael Myers in this film because you were horrible at promoting that Michael would not be in this movie. But yeah, that is the only time you will see Michael Myers in this movie and to be honest, you were better off not showing him at all. Anyway after that trailer for Halloween, we get another damn Silver Shamrock commercial and even Dan is getting tired of it that he tells the bartender to change again. The bartender jokes with him about not having any Halloween spirit when in comes Ellie.

Ellie asks Dan if her father said anything to him before he died. He tries to lie to her at first by saying the old man told him to tell Ellie he loves her. She of course calls him a terrible liar, but thanks him for the considerate thought. She tries to leave, but he changes his story by telling her that he was holding onto a Halloween mask and was saying that “they were going to kill us all”. He says an hour later he is dead and he does not know what the hell is going on.

We then go to the old man’s store and through exposition, we then find out that the old man’s name was Harry and he just went to a town called Santa Mira to get some more Silver Shamrock masks. Dan and Ellie both deduce that something happened in Santa Mira that caused her father to be killed so they decide to go up to Santa Mira to figure out what happened. I should add that he lies to Linda to avoid taking the kids with him about a doctor’s meeting so I guess I can understand why some people think he is a horrible father. Oh yeah, I should also mention that when Dan and Ellie leave, the Silver Shamrock commercial plays yet again.

While driving, we learn this history of Santa Mira. It is an Irish town that used to be big in farming and grew up around a large dairy before a young Irishman named Conal Cochran bought the dairy and turned it into a toy factory. Ellie is dumbfounded that there are Irish Halloween masks. If only she knew the true meaning of Halloween, more on that later and how Halloween is very essential to Irish culture.

I Don’t Think There Is Anything That Needs To Be Said That This Sign Doesn’t Say.

The two stop off at a hotel where we learn that this town does not get too many visitors. They check themselves in as a married couple and lie that they are looking to buy property in the area so the town won’t watch them every second. Oh yes, and if you must know….everyone in this town has an Irish accent. While Ellie keeps the motel clerk busy, Dan looks at the hotel records and sees that Harry was in this hotel. He goes to tell Ellie this, but is nearly run over by some idiots in a Winnebago.

Yeah, I Still Stand By My Statement Of Them Being Idiots.

We are then introduced to Buddy Kupfer, his wife Betty, and their son “Little” Buddy Jr. We then find out that the family is here because Buddy sold more Silver Shamrock masks than anyone else and he is being rewarded with a tour of the Silver Shamrock factory. We then meet another woman named Marge Guttman, who is pissed as hell.

She is pissed because she has to stay at this hotel again because the factory got their orders mixed up. Inside their room, Dan tells Ellie that he checked and her father was here. Ellie wants to go into the factory now and find out what is going on, but Dan thinks that it is getting late and he needs a drink. He tells Ellie that maybe he should get another room. She tells him that it would be suspicious and then he bargains that he can sleep in the car. She then asks where does he want to sleep and he answers by saying that is a stupid question before kissing her and yes, they have sex.

I have to be honest here. Normally, I have a joke for this dialogue, but RoG, a gentleman who runs the website I-Mockery.com basically said it better than I could say it.

Man…I really want that to happen to me just to see what it’s like.

RoG: I can sleep in the car – it’d be a lot better than this floor anyway.

Woman I just met: But where do you want to sleep, RoG?

RoG: Did you not hear me? I just said I want to sleep in the car, you friggin’ slut?

Hey, you have your fantasy and I have mine…

Like I said, I could not make a better joke even if I tried. Anyway, we hear a voice over the speakers saying that it is six o’clock and curfew is now in effect. Just so you know who that voice is over the speakers, it is actually the voice of one Jamie Lee Curtis, who was the star of Halloween I & II as Laurie Strode so even Jamie Lee Curtis approved of the idea that the producers had in mind.

At night, we see that the streets are empty except for Dan leaving the store to get some beer. Wait, I don’t know if I remember curfew like I normally do, but doesn’t everyone who the curfew effects has to be off the streets by that time. Why is this guy not being arrested and why is the store owner not being arrested as well?

Dan runs into a bum who explains that he is here because the people at Silver Shamrock would not give him a job. He also threatens to burn the factory down on Halloween night. He then explains that he has heard some very strange rumors about the place. While in the town junkyard, he runs into more men in suits. He tries to tell them that he was only kidding about burning the factory down. Of course, the men in suits don’t believe him and decide to rip his head off.

At the motel, Ellie runs into Marge and Marge exposits that ever since the company did big business; the little guy has to stand in line. She gave up ordering by mail, but she hates having to deal with them in person so either way, she can’t win. Marge also says that the product has been slipping because while her 4-year old who was throwing the thing against the wall, the trademark should not have come right off so easily.

Dan calls Teddy from a motel and asks how her investigation is going. Teddy tells her that there was a major error and apparently car parts were mixed in with the ashes. Dan and Ellie decide to have sex again when Dan gets back to the room and well, I guess I should allow this fellow to return.

Yes It’s Our Good Friend, The Horny Owl.

In Marge’s room, she notices something on the trademark. It is a computer chip of some kind so instead of asking about this, she basically just decides to poke it with a hair needle and of course, a streak of electricity comes out and zaps her mouth off.

That’s What You Get For Playing With Things You Don’t Know About…

Oh yeah, and just to add to the creepiness of the fact that this computer chip can destroy you, we get another special ability.

It Can Create Bugs To Come Out Of You….Ewwwww

Ellie and Dan wake up to see that there are several cars outside Marge’s room. They find out that something must have happened to Marge and wonder what happened. The motel clerk tells them that Marge had an accident so they are taking her to the factory so she can get the best help there is. We then see a black car roll up and we finally meet Mr. Cochran.

Before I continue, Conal is played by Dan O’Herlihy, an actor who was once nominated for an Academy Award for Best Actor in 1954’s…

Robinson Crusoe

Funny little fact about Mr. O’Herlihy is that when he read the script to this movie, he hated it. However, he took the part of Mr. Cochran because it would entail his character to have an Irish accent. Now you may be thinking that an Irishman loves to do an Irish accent and as a man who is part Irish himself, that is very much true for most, if not all of us. However, some of us wont do it immediately because we want to do it very well. You see, we are very proud of our Irish heritage….maybe even too proud.

IRISH POWER!!!!!!

Anyway back to the movie, Conal is actually very nice to Dan and Ellie and assures them that the lady is going to get the best possible treatment. We then see Conal talk quietly to the men in suits on what happened and all they say is “Misfire”. Dan wants to keep asking questions, but Ellie decides that they don’t want to attract attention so they should just go back to their room. Dan reluctantly agrees and the car drives off. In the room, Dan wonders what they were talking about when they said misfire and Ellie suspects that something is going on here. Dan asks if she wants to leave and she says yes, but not before she finds out what happened to her father.

The next day (the day before Halloween), Dan decides to phone Teddy again to check up on what is going on. Teddy tells him that she is wondering if someone has been tampering with the ashes as there is nothing there to ever indicate that there was a body in the car at all. Dan then asks Teddy to also do some research on Conal Cochran. Teddy agrees, but she tells Dan that this is going to cost him some serious dinners when he gets back. Dan is of course, more than willing to pay that price. After Dan hangs up the phone, we go down to see that the phone has been….

BUGGED!!!!!

Dan and Ellie try to go to pick up Harry’s order, not knowing that they are being followed by a man in a suit. The female clerk tells the two that there must be some mistake as they have a piece of paper that says that Harry already picked up the order. The two try to leave, but bump into Kupfers. They of course are going to begin their tour of the factory which will be run by Mr. Cochran himself. Buddy asks if Dan and Ellie can come with them and Conal is okay with that as he was going to ask them to join. They agree to join and our tour begins.

We then get to see steps it takes to build a Silver Shamrock Halloween mask and this was all filmed at an actual Halloween mask factory so this is all legit mask making. It is actually a very good scene of how the factories make good Halloween masks. We then see some of Conal’s past toys as Buddy exposits about Conal being a genius in making a practical joke. We suddenly get what looks like finished masks and Little Buddy Jr. wants to have a pumpkin mask. Mr. Cochran however says that those masks still need the finishing touch, but he has a finished mask just for the kid.

When asked if they could see the final step taken to finish the masks, Conal declines, saying that part is a trade secret. When they continue on, he says that part of the inspection entails dangerous chemicals and he would not want to put anyone in any danger. Conal than invites Buddy and his family to have breakfast with him tomorrow as well as share his opinion on some of their sales material. Buddy is more than happy to accept Mr. Cochran’s generous offer. Mrs. Kupfer exposits to Ellie that Mr. Cochran is one of the richest men in America and he got that way by selling cheap gags and Halloween masks. Dan and Ellie decide to leave, but Ellie notices her father’s car in one of the garages. Ellie goes to check on it, but is blocked by one of the men in suits. The Kupfers and Mr. Cochran see all this and Conal then reminds them of his “trade secrets”. Everyone laughs while Conal then has a very serious look on his face when no one notices. Back at the motel room, Ellie explains that she wants to leave now and Dan agrees while saying its time to call in the marines. Dan then tells Ellie to pack and he will call the police.

Dan tries to use the motel phone, but of course…he can’t get his call completed and of course that damn Silver Shamrock commercial is played. Dan goes back to his room, but notices that Ellie is missing and the door is left wide open. Dan looks out his door and sees in horror that….

The Men In Suits Are On To His Scheme

The men in suits try to get into the hotel room, but Dan escapes by using the back window. He runs to the factory garage and sees that Ellie has been captured by the men in suits. Dan tries to use a pay phone, but the operator won’t let his call be completed. Dan then decides to break into the factory to see what is going on. Dan tries to be really stealth about sneaking into the place until he sees what he thinks is a woman knitting. He asks her where Ellie is, but the woman won’t answer. He tries to shake the woman, but all he gets his her head falling off. It is at this point we find out that the woman knitting is a robot. A guy in suit grabs Dan and throws him into some boxes. Dan tries to punch the man in the face, but nothing fazes him as he begins to crush our protagonist’s head with his bare hands. Dan then decides to punch at the stomach area and punches a hole into the man in a suit’s guts.

Sadly, He Does Not Say “I Am A Man” Before Punching Our Friend Like Superman Did In Superman At Earth’s End

The man in the suit bleeds yellow ooze and when Dan takes his hand out of the guy’s stomach, he sees that the men in suits are all…..

Robots

He is then captured by several more robots in suits and Mr. Cochran. Mr. Cochran talks about how clumsy that robot was and tells Dan that the woman knitting was a rare German piece made in Munich in 1785. Somehow, I doubt that is a fact. We can now tell that Mr. Cochran is crazy as when he sees Dan, he becomes his cordial old self. When asked where Ellie is, Conal jokes about her being Mrs. Smith and says that she is resting right now or so he believes. Dan tries to clean his hand of the yellow ooze as Conal says that it will be mourning soon. He has the robots take Challis with them as he is going to show them to his final processing room.

It is Halloween mourning now as Dan is taken to the elevator. While on the elevator, Conal reveals that the internal parts of the robots were quite easy to make and the skin was harder, but making the skin is kind of like making a Halloween mask to him. The robots even sneeze as Mr. Cochran asks Dan if they are convincing. He also says that they are loyal and obedient, unlike most human beings. When they go down the stairs, Cochran shows Dan the final processing room. The room is actually a laboratory tons of surveillance monitors in it and a giant rock in the middle.

The giant rock in the middle is revealed to be the stolen piece of Stonehenge and they are chipping pieces off of it to put him the trademarks of the masks.

Conal reveals that they had a time getting the piece here and says Dan wouldn’t believe him even if he told him how he got it here. As RoG says in his review for I-Mockery,

Now that’s brilliant writing; when an idea is so absurd that even you, the writer, can’t explain it, simply have one of your lead characters make a joke about it and then move on.

That is so true and if most writers went there, I would not complain about those impossible things as much. Anyway, Mr. Cochran reveals each rock on Stonehenge has a power to it. After showing Challis where Marge and Ellie are, Conal then decides that it is time to show a demonstration of what his evil plan is. The Kupfers are taken to a testing room under the assumption that Mr. Cochran wants them to take notes on his new commercial.

Buddy wonders why Silver Shamrock won’t take his orders for next year because he likes to work ahead and it’s as if they are not interested at all. Betty jokes that maybe they won’t have Halloween next year and Buddy sarcastically laughs her off. The television in the testing room tells the kid to put on his mask and he does and sits close to the TV despite his mom’s warning. A pumpkin is shown with the commercial telling them to watch the magic pumpkin.

As the parents are laughing, we see that the trademark is lighting up.

That Can’t Be Good

Suddenly we then see Buddy Jr. holding his hands while noises are being heard. Something is going on in the kid’s head and it is not anything good. Buiddy Jr. falls and his parents start noticing that something is wrong. What happens afterwards is Buddy Jr.’s head is now an exit for bugs and snakes. Betty supposedly dies from shock as Buddy tries to escape. The door is locked and Mr. Kupfer is trapped. A poisonous snake bites our #1 salesman and he dies.

Dan sees all this and has probably the only reaction to have on this.

The Look Of Pure Defeat At What He Has Just Seen

Dan is taken away as Mr. Cochran turns off the surveillance on the testing room. We then go back to town and see the Silver Shamrock commercial in full force. How many children will those insidious masks effect? Well, let’s find out.

Okay…..Kids Are Screwed

Back at the Coroner’s room, Teddy tries to call Dan, but gets no response. Teddy then calls the coroner saying she has something she would like him to look at.

Unfortunately For Her, She Has Been Tracked By A Robot In A Suit

Oh No…..He Has Found A Power Drill

Teddy puts the mechanical pieces together in her head and realizes that the dead assassin’s parts have been there all along. She tries to phone the sheriff, but the robot comes in and kills her with a drill.

Actually, there was supposed to be a more gory scene of the drill going through the head, but it looked to fake for them to keep and they had to use the far away shot and the sound effects instead.

It is 7:30 in Santa Mira and the streets are empty. But at the factory, we see Dan tied to a chair while Conal talks to him.

Dan asks him why he would do this. Conal laughs and says that Mr. Kupfer was right in that he loved a good joke. He says this is the best ever as it is a joke on the children.

I Think He Has Been Listening To The Comedian From The Watchmen Graphic Novel A Bit Too Much

Conal then gets serious and says that there is a better reason for what he is doing. I am going to let Mr. Cochran say this.

Conal: But there is a better reason…you don’t really know much about Halloween…you thought no further than the strange custom of having your children wearing masks and go out begging for candy. It was the start of the year in our old Celtic lands, and we’d been waiting…in our houses of wattles and clay. The barriers would be down, you see, between the real and the unreal, and the dead might be looking in…to sit by our fires of turf. Halloween…the festival of Samhain! The last great one took place three thousand years ago, when the hills ran red…with the blood of animals and children. It was part of our world….our craft. To us, it was a way of controlling our environment. It’s not so different now…it’s time again. In the end…we don’t decide these things, you know…the planets do. They’re in alignment, and it’s time again. The world’s going to change tonight, doctor, I’m glad you’ll be able to watch it. And…..Happy Halloween.

Most of that is actually true…well, except for the whole 3,000 years nonsense and the planets aligning. But I have to be honest, if I talked about the history of Halloween and its true meaning, I would be here all day. Just know that it was not always a custom of kids wearing costumes and going trick or treating.

Anyway, after that elegant speech made by Conal, he then puts a Silver Shamrock mask on Dan, turns on the television so he can watch the Horror-thon and leaves the room. Dan is able to escape by breaking the television and using of the broken pieces of glass to cut his bonds off. He eludes anyone realizing this by putting the mask over the camera while no one is looking. When someone sees that the mask is covering the camera, several men decide to investigate and when they see what happened, Conal tells some of his men to find him. Dan tries to call his wife about the masks and of course, she does not believe him. Dan then goes and frees Ellie. He then forms a plan of turning on the evil commercial and then going to the second floor with the trademarks.

He and Ellie are surrounded by the men in suits, but Dan then dumps all of the trademarks onto the people in the control room. That and the killer commercial playing cause the trademarks to activate, killing all of the robots.

And how does Mr. Cochran react to his plans being ruined? Well, he asks as if the best joke has been played on him as he just smiles and claps in approval of Dan and Ellie.

Well Done, Dan. Well Done.

The stolen piece of Stonehenge starts to light up as the computers create a circle of lasers.

The laser circle fires at Conal and he disintegrates with a smile on his face

The factory is destroyed as the two are able to escape and drive off.

Okay, I Was Hoping For A Better Fire Than This.

While driving back to town, Dan tries to figure out how to stop the commercial and the commercial plays on the radio. However, the commercial is able to trigger something in Ellie to attack Dan.

Dan has to weave off the road while throwing Ellie off the car. We then see Ellie’s arm and of course it is revealed what happened to Ellie.

The real Ellie was killed soon after she was captured and this Ellie is one of those robots that Conal created. Robo-Ellie tries to kill Dan, but Dan is able to fight her off with a tire iron. The arm also tries to kill him, but Dan throws it out of the car. Dan then looks at his watch and sees that there is only 5 minutes left. Dan is able to get to the gas station that we saw in the beginning of this film and tries to call the stations to get the commercial turned off. He is able to get two of the commercials cancelled, but the third channel still plays it and we end with Dan hopelessly trying to stop it. Actually, I probably should allow this part to play right here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fe_f4nKbZk4

And that ends what is probably my favorite of the Halloween sequels. Well, as you know….this gamble that everyone made did not pay off as people got pissed that Michael Myers was not in this film and sadly, I don’t blame them. With the tagline being “The Night No One Came Home” which plays off “The Night He (Michael Myers) Came Home”, you would expect Michael to be in it. It was also advertised as if Michael Myers was in the film. What should have happened was that if you said straight out to people before the film was released that Michael Myers is not in the film, people might be more receptive to it. Also, it should have probably been called Season of the Witch and have not been called Halloween 3 so no one would get confused.

Now onto what happened to our talent. Tom Atkins would still be able to get work and the first film that signaled his returned was a cult classic and his favorite film he ever did. He played Detective Ray Cameron in a movie that was finally released on DVD, Night of the Creeps and he said a whole bunch of lines that are quotable. However, most of you might know him as guilt ridden heroin smuggler Michael Hunsaker in this gem of a film.

Tommy Lee Wallace (the director) would stay good friends with John Carpenter and would get fame with a mini-series that a lot of people liked.

Sadly, two people from this film are no longer with us. Dan O’Herlihy (who played Conal Cochran) passed away in 2005. Also, Ralph Strait (who played Buddy Kupfer) died in 1992 of a heart attack.

Now while I say I do understand some of the hatred for this film, as a film…it is actually really good. Now while I may love Michael Myers and I won’t be an idiot in saying that this film is better than the original Halloween. I will say that this movie does actually have more to do with Halloween than the original Halloween. Maybe someday, more people will actually look at this film on its own and maybe appreciate it for what it is. Besides, having Michael Myers die in Halloween 2 was a better way to go than what happened to Michael Myers in the later sequels (Note: I do like Halloween 4…but the rest suck). Maybe the legacy of Michael Myers would be so much better than it is now (thanks a lot Moustapha and Malek). Oh yeah, and if you are asking me where are the monsters in this film. There are the robots, but more importantly….that goddamn commercial is a monster.

Well since the next induction will be in December, the holidays are coming and it will be a winter wonderland. I need a film that makes a mockery of this winter season, but I don’t want it to be a film that makes me pissed off or bored as hell. I need a film that will make me proud to be the writer of Monster Crap. So let’s see what film I have been given to make my year a good one.

That will do wonders for me.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanksgiving Day Thanks

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Halloween III: Season Of The Witch (1982)