Monster Crap

Monster Crap Inductee: Chupacabra Terror (2005)

2012-01-28T12:52:00.000-08:00

Monster CrapInductee: Chupacabra Terror
The Legend May Be Real, But This Film Sure Isn’t

2005

Yes,I know you were expecting me to start off the New Year (which may be the lastyear according to some people) with the 2011 GINO Award winner and normally,you would be correct. However, the film that got the most votes has yet to comeout on DVD until January 31 and I refuse to own that film (personal reasons youwill find out when I induct it) so I have to wait 30 more days until I can getit on Netflix so it will be inducted in March. And that would leave me in abind if not for what happened with the Randomizer in November where it coughedout two moves and then I had to use the Randometer to pick The Fog remake. Solet’s induct the other piece of crap that was spit out……….this is ChupacabraTerror.

Nowif you are looking for much history behind this film, I am sad to say you willnot be getting much because like many SyFy Original Films, there isn’t muchhistory to it. It was originally called Chupacabra: Dark Seas and is directedby John Shephird, who directed a very bad Corey Haim film with Jim Varney andBridgette Nielson called Snowboard Academy.

Oneof the actresses in this film is Paula Shaw (who plays rich widow Mrs. Hartman)and she had a brief appearance in Freddy vs. Jason…

AsMrs. Voorhees

Butthe main star of this film is John Rhys Davies, who you may know as Gimli fromLord of the Rings.

Nowyou may be wondering how this film got a guy who had been in a James Bond film,an Indiana Jones movie, and the Lord of the Rings series……..well, the answer isJohn Rhys Davies is not very choosy about what films he does. For every greatfilm he has been in, he has been in many more low-budget, bottom of the barrelfilms. Don’t ask me why he does them, but he does.

Therest of the cast………….hasn’t done much so I guess we should get to this filmimmediately.

Westart this movie with….

WellDamn…………Opening Credits To Begin With.

Actually,I should really thank the film for that because I always do complain about manyof these films waiting for whatever reason to give us the opening title andcredits. It really is a pet peeve of mine when they don’t get that over withimmediately.

Anyway….weare in the jungles of Central America where a group of hunters led bycrytozoologist Dr. Pena.

Theyare hunting for of course……….the Chupacabra. Of course as bait, they have alive goat……since Chupacabra does mean “Goat Sucker”. Of course………..we know thisis the jungle because we see live animals from the jungles of Central America.

Ofcourse there is just one animal in this jungle that shouldn’t be there.

Thatis a meerkat and they are in deserts of AFRICA!!! You really have to try toscrew something like that up.

EspeciallySince Meerkat Manor Was Going To Debut Within A Few Months

I’mSure Even The Meerkat Is Like “What The Hell Am I Doing Here?”

Theythen pass by the skeleton of what I assume to be a man…….

Doesn’tHelp That It Looks Fake As Hell

Someguy breaks his leg and because Dr. Pena thinks this guy will slow him down, hetells the group to just leave him there.

Itis nightfall now….

AndMore Creatures To Say We Are In The Jungle.

Lookcrew, you are ready screwed up with that meerkat to tells us you are really inthe jungle. Yes, I know you filmed this at the Turks and Caicos Islands, whichare in Central America (which can be deemed as close), but you may as well havefilmed this at a backlot with that mistake.

Thegroup sets up their trap which involves the goat and a giant net. They hearsome strange noise and they get ready. Of course instead of the goat, theChupacabra decides to stealthily attack the hunters one by one.

Well,I Can’t Exactly Blame The Creature……….More Meat In Those Humans Than The DamnGoat.

Thehunters start firing with their guns and that ticks off Dr. Pena, who wantsthis creature alive. The hunters say to hell with that and continue firing,however the leader of the hunters is attacked by the Chupacabra and they happento be right under the net so Pena drops the net to capture the creature.

Penahas a perfect opportunity to tranquilize the creature and save the leader, buthe lets the creature kill him before tranquilizing it. The creature goes downand Dr. Pena has an insane look on his face.

IDon’t Know If He Is So Happy To Catch The Creature Or If He Is Planning OnRaping It Later.

Alright,I guess I have to say something about the leader of the hunters.

Whydo I have to say something? That’s because that is being played by Nils AllenStewart. He also played another character in a movie I inducted in the past.

Yep,It’s The Human Form Of Bo Abobo From The Horrible Double Dragon Movie

Alsohis son is Booboo Stewart from those Twilight movies. Moving on……..

Wetransition from the rape eyes of Dr. Pena to someone slicing cantaloupe with amachete.

AndWe Get Flamingoes.

AFederal Marshall named Lance Thompson passes through a gate and meets withcaptain of the cruise ship called the Regent Queen, Captain Randolph.

Lanceis at this cruise ship to investigate a series of robberies that have beenhappening at the Regent Queen. Apparently this person knew what they were doingbecause they managed to sabotage the entire video recording system. You know,if you’re this good of a thief………I’m sure you would know that being at the sameplace multiple times is not the best idea. But knowing this film, the thiefwill probably come back on the ship, just to get caught. Yeah, I’ve seen enoughof these movies to know what will happen.

Anyway,Lance asks to look at the vault so he can know what he is up against andRandolph sends his fellow officer Hamilton to show him to the vault.

Butbefore they leave, Lance asks Randolph if he is the same guy who commanded theHMS Sheppard in the Gulf War, to which Randolph confirms. Lance then says thathe was a US Marine during Operation Desert Heat, to which Randolph rememberswell, and the two shake hands. Apparently, Randolph risked his ship to savethose Marines and Randolph says the admiral didn’t appreciate his decision sohe was relieved. Lance says he heard about that and just mentions that Randolphis a hero to him and the men he served with. He also made himself a promisethat if he ever met Randolph, he would buy him a drink to show his gratitude.Randolph says to just catch the thief and he will call it even.

WhenHamilton and Lance leave, Randolph is met by his daughter, Jenny.

Sheasks who that was and Randolph says it is an old naval acquaintance.Afterwards, Jenny shows her dad that she got a small figurine of a Chupacabra.

HowIronic!!!!!!

Ofcourse, Jenny is the fitness trainer and this is basically a summer job for heras well as a vacation. Randolph says that Jenny should get ready for her nextclass, but before she leaves……she needs to keep her distance from the kitchenstaff.

MeanwhileDr. Pena is boarding this ship as well and has the cargo which houses theChupacabra, he tells one of the men running the cargo hold to store thissomewhere deep and cool. Somewhere that is locked, but also somewhere where itcan breathe. When the cargo men ask what is in there, he tells them to not askor tell and that there is more money in it for them once they get to theStates. Before setting sail, Randolph is told that everyone is on aboard plusone, which is Dr. Pena, to which Randolph says that it will be plus to sinceLance will be joining them as well. Yep, that means the thief is still onboard. We then see the crate holding the creature being put on board.

Inhis room, we see Dr. Pena put his tranquilizer gun in the room safe and laughsabout who will be laughing now since he caught the beast.

Theboat sets sell and we get a montage of several of the luxuries a cruise shiphas, like games, a pool, places to relax, a casino, and a place to exercise.That night in the cargo hold, the crew finally decides to get the crate in thearea specified by Dr. Pena. They wonder what Pena has in that crate and thendecide that they should find out. And they get rewarded for breaking the rules,by getting killed.

Wetransition to the dining room of the ship with a fruit set up in the way tolook like a monster.

Alsowe are introduced to other characters that will play a role in the film as theyjoin Captain Randolph, Lance, & Jenny for dinner.

WeHave Mrs. Hartman (With Her Dog Jeffrey) & Rick McGraw (Who Acts Like AFlamer)

Jennywants to talk to Lance about his past and of course, we find out that shedoesn’t sound British unlike her dad is because her mother grew up in theStates. When she asks what he does now, he lies and says that he is aninsurance salesman. Dr. Pena also shows up to greet the group and we see thatMrs. Hartman is very much a bitchy person.

Elsewhere,two members of the crew search the cargo hold to see if they were able to findthe missing money that was stolen earlier. They split up and let’s just say itdoesn’t end well for the gentlemen. He finds the Chupacabra eating on one ofthe remains, but is then caught and killed.

Thescreams are heard by the female crew member and she runs to help the guy.Unfortunately, she is too late and she also dies.

Inthe kitchen, we hear the waiter being demoted to scraping dishes and he is nothappy by this new development. In the dining room, Captain Randolph asked awaybecause there seems to be some issues going on. We then get some expositionabout the history of the Chupacabra from Dr. Pena, who says that he is acryptozoologist. We then see that Randolph was sent for because they found thebodies of the two crew members who were searching the cargo rooms, as well asthe two idiots who we know opened the crate.

Theymention that a wild animal must have killed these people and note the opencrate which happened to be a cage of some sort. Randolph has the area sealedoff and no one to know about this so a panic is not created. The crew armsthemselves and this does not go unnoticed by Dr. Pena, who is curious as towhat is going on. Randolph mentions that they are to be on the lookout for somekind of animal. Jenny and Dr. Pena come by and are immediately told to get backto their cabins. Randolph then tells Lance to send the two back to theircabins. Of course, Jenny now can suspect that Lance is not really an insurancesalesman.

Thecrew starts searching the ship while Lance escorts the two back to their cabin.When asked what is going on, Lance says that he is not at liberty to say, whichis okay with Dr. Pena as he decides to go back to his room as Lance leads Jennyto hers.

Ornot, as he decides to wait for the other two to leave before going on his ownto see what is going on.

Thesearch continues (complete with fake scares like laundry coming down thelaundry chute) until two people in the laundry room get killed by theChupacabra.

LightsOr Darks????

I’llTake Those Screams As Meaning Darks

Thecaptain & the rest of the crew are alerted by the attacks in the laundryroom as they come down to help out, while Dr. Pena follows. One of the men inthe laundry room comes out with his throat slashed and falls over dead.

TheChupacabra also comes out and is met by gunfire before the monster retreats.They think they have the doors closed before dumbass Dr. Pena makes sure one ofthe doors stays open.

OneOf Our Many Villains In This Film.

Whenthey see what is going on with the door, they wonder if the creature is stillin there so they can still trap it. Lance shows blood and says that it is notlikely. We then go to a stage show for some padding, but we also see the deathof some drunk couple about to make out at the hands of our Chupacabra, who hasno problem being a cock blocker.

NobodyHas Sex On My Vacation Cruise!!!!

Thecaptain gets on the PA system and announces that it is with deep regret he askall guests and non-essential crew members to stay in their cabins. Jenny comesto the captain and is wondering what is going on as she is tired of the sameold crap of being kept in the dark. Randolph relents and admits that someonelet a dangerous animal aboard the ship and it is now killing people. Dr. Penawants to talk to the captain, but Randolph and Lance have already left andJenny is all that is left. Jenny takes Pena to Randolph and Pena explains that itis the Chupacabra. We then see that Pena is a madman as despite all the deathson board this ship, he wants the creature to stay alive.

Meanwhile,two members of the kitchen staff decide to break curfew and drink some alcoholin the now empty casino. The dumbasses hear some noise and decide to go checkit out. I think you know what happens next.

TheyDie…..

Howeverthe last guy pulled the fire alarm before dying while Captain Randolph notifiesthe Navy that they have a potential terrorist on board the ship (yeah, he wassmart not to say what was really going on as no one would have believed him). Thefire alarm does help alert the crew as to where the creature is now.

Theyhead to the casino and hear noises near the register. Of course, it could bethe thief and not the monster, but hey……….why would the thief steal at a timelike th….

WellWhat Do You Know??? It’s The Damn Thief Who Just So Happens To Be Rick.

WhatA Twist!

Despitebeing caught red handed, Rick tries to proclaim his innocence……and nobody buysit. Randolph has Rick locked in his cabin. Navy SEALs show up wondering wherethe terrorist is…..and Randolph explains to them the real reason they werecalled as he shows them video footage of the Chupacabra. They immediatelyprepare to fight this monstrosity.

MeanwhileDr. Pena has his trap set up for the creature. Pena talks about how they needsomething to lure the creature in and it needs to have warm blood, then he getsan idea and leaves. He then talks to Captain Randolph and wants the Navy SEALsout of here because he believes they will kill the creature. Mrs. Hartman showsup, upset that she has to stay in her cabin since she believes Jeffrey needshis nightly walk. The two leave Mrs. Hartman in her room, but of course…..theold bat decides to ignore orders and goes out to give Jeffrey his walk.

Penatries to continue to persuade the Seals to lure the creature into the kitchen,but they won’t listen and one of them gets picked off by the creature.

Aftera scare with the one SEAL shooting while he is dying, the rest go after thecreature. They corner it into the garbage room and start firing when they thinkthey see movement. However, they seem to forget the obviously placed garbagechute that this creature can climb up.

Wego to a hallway where Mrs. Hartman is with Jeffrey, wondering what all thenoise is. Jeffrey runs off and she chases after him. Of course she passes byRick’s room and ignores Rick’s calls for help as he wants to get out of thatroom, probably so he can steal some more. However, Rick sees an air duct thatgives air conditioning to the rooms and escapes using that.

Jeffreyenters the casino room, but the Chupacabra is also in the room and it eatsJeffrey.

MMMMMM……………HOTDOG!!!!

Thereare many times where I am sad when an animal gets killed in films, this isn’tone of those times. Mrs. Hartman then enters the casino and after seeing theChupacabra eat Jeffrey, she screams and dies.

YouKnow With A Face Like That, The Chupacabra Might Think You Are Howard The Duck

MMMMMMM……………………DUCK!!!!!!!!!

AndThe End Result

Meanwhilethe leader of the SEALs is telling Randolph that he is assuming command of thesituation and he is ordering a complete evacuation of all guests. Jenny doesnot want to leave as she wants to help, but her dad gives her the job of makingsure everyone gets on the lifeboat safely. He even has Lance escort her to theboat. Randolph makes the same announcement on the PA system to abandon ship. Wethen see a montage of people abandoning the ship.

SuchA Shot Tells You They Really Are Not On A Ship. This Is Shark Attack 3 Level OfBad CGI.

AsLance escorts Jenny to the lifeboat, he is attacked by Dr. Pena using adefibrillator and Jenny is immediately taken captive.

Rickgoes through a bag and finds some jewelry, which he steals. He finds aconveniently wig and dress, which he decides to use as a disguise so he can getaway.

MeanwhileCaptain Randolph is told that his daughter is not on her lifeboat so he decidesto find out what is going on. They also find out that Rick escaped. Randolphthen goes down the hall and finds Lance coming to. Lance tells him that Penaattacked them and has kidnapped Jenny.

Wethen go to the kitchen where Pena has tied Jenny up and intends to use her asbait for his trap.

AllPena Needs Is A Top Hat, A Cape, & A Handlebar Mustache….And He Could Be ANew Version Of Snidely Whiplash

Jennystruggles to escape her binds as Pena goes to hide. When it looks like theChupacabra is about to eat Jenny, Randolph & Lance come in to save the dayby shooting at it. Pena is now mad that they have foiled his trap and has thenet dropped on Kenny just for shits and giggles, as he runs away. However hedoesn’t get far as the Chupacabra decides he is tired of Pena setting up trapsfor him.

Damn………ThisFilm Seems To Love Splattering Blood On Something When Someone Dies

TheSEALs chase off the Chupacabra as they follow.

Lancetries to get some information from a dying Pena on how to stop the creature,but Pena gives them nothing before he dies. More SEALs are killed as well.

CaptainRandolph, Jenny, & Lance decide to go to Pena’s room to see if he has anynotes on how to stop it. Rick in drag almost gets killed by the Chupacabra, butSEALs save him, who don’t even notice the man in drag. Rick tries to escapewith the bag of money that he had hid all this time, but is caught immediatelyby our three protagonists.

Despitethe smoking gun in his hand and the fact that he is in drag, Rickstill………….STILL proclaims his innocence. The navy tells its SEALs to pull outand wait for further orders from command. Of course because this has becomepersonal, the SEAL leader fakes having communication issues.

InPena’s room, they find notes that the doctor has tranquilizers in his safe thatcan immobilize the creature. Of course since the safe is locked, they need asafe cracker and since Rick is a thief, he is the one for that job. However,Rick will only agree to this if he is let go. They reluctantly agree and Rickopens the safe before leaving. The group decides they need to give this to theSEALs, but apparently their radio is gone.

TheSEALs run into McGraw who goes back for his money. He lies and says everyoneelse is dead. The SEALs escort him away but he forgot his bag. He lies onceagain by saying that he needs his bag as it has his medications. He is grabbedby the creature and is killed.

ShouldHave Learned When To Quit While He Was Ahead

Ourprotagonists find Rick dead and can’t believe that the idiot still went afterthe money. The three remaining SEALs see green blood and they know that theycan wound the creature.

OneSEAL Gets Taken Out In The Dark Corridors Of The Engine Room

Thecreature tends to his wounds as the SEAL looks at his entrails splattered allover the place.

Thecrew finds the second Navy SEAL dying as well and he tells them to get awaybefore he dies. They are cornered by the beast, but the final one, who just sohappens to be the leader, saves them by throwing a grenade at the creature toscare it off. He throws a second one and the engine room starts to react badly.A battle ensues in the engine room that is catching on fire and the SEALcatches on fire. He dies from the burns.

HeForgot To Stop, Drop, & Roll

Wethen have a battle between Jenny and the Chupacabra where Jenny uses her Tae Bomoves (it was mentioned but not really talked much about), to fight thecreature. Captain Randolph blasts the beast with some steam which really hurtsit. While attacking Lance, the Federal Marshall finally shoots the dart intothe creature’s neck………which kills it.

Waitno, it is still moving. Lance then decides to grab a electrical wire that hasbeen cut from the grenades, and electrocutes it till it dies.

Wait…..thatonly stuns it. The group runs out of the engine room, but the creature grabsCaptain Randolph. Jenny combats it with a fire extinguisher to knock thecreature off her dad. They lock the door and the engine room explodes, killingthe creature.

IGuess I Should Mention That The Boat At Night Looks Faker Than The CGIExplosion As The Boat At Night Was Also CGI.

Thethree jump out of the ship and are saved by a nearby rescue boat who happenedto see them jumping off the thing. They can only watch as The Regent Queensinks.

No………….IRefuse To Play “My Heart Will Go On” By Celine Dion While This Happens.

Jennyapologizes for the ship going down and asks her dad if he thinks they will givehim another one. Captain Randolph doesn’t think he will get another ship andthinks it is time for him to retire, write his memoirs, and spend time with thefamily. What……is everyone these days writing memoirs? Maybe, I should write myown memoirs. Yeah, I can see it now. A Memoir by Seth Drakin and I shall titleit “It Isn’t Going To Freaking Happen!!!” It might be a bestseller.

Theyall decide to have a drink when they get back on shore and thus, this movieends.

Sobefore we get to my opinion, let’s look at the aftermaths from this film. JohnRhys Davies is still doing these types of films so nothing new. Dylan Neal (whoplayed Lance) is doing TV series now. John Shepphird (the director) is doingJersey Shore Shark Attack, which is coming out this year and will probably bein my 2012 GINO nominees. But probably the biggest aftermath is Chelan Simmons(who played Jenny). She has been in several films these days and just 2 yearsago was one of the teenagers in Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, what I consider oneof the best films of 2011.

Sonow my opinion of the film and……….oh this film is bad. It has rather crappyeffects which make The Asylum look like Universal Studios. The effects areShark Attack 3 level of bad. The script is also terrible with the thiefproclaiming innocence no matter how red-handed he has been caught. However, theacting is actually pretty decent and is strongly helped by a strong performancein John Rhys Davies, who gives a very believable performance as anunderstandable, yet stern captain of a cruise ship. It really is a garbage filmthat is made less bad by its acting. So while this film does deserve to beinducted, it will be because of every other factor other than the actorsbecause the actors at least tried.

Nowit is time for me to go to the Randomizer for the next film to induct.

*Twofilms pop out of the Randomizer again*

Well,it seems that the Randomizer has popped out two films again. Should be poppingout one movie so I am wondering if the machine is almost broken……oh well. Iguess it is time for me to use the Randometer to find out which film is next.

Well, I At Least Have An Interesting Story For This One

Thursday Night AMP - 2012 Royal Rumble Pool

2012-01-28T08:27:00.001-08:00

Thursday Night AMP returns for a 2012 Royal Rumble Preview! Co-hosts Stevie J and Peter H are joined by Killa Kev to discuss the latest wrestling news. Tonight is the 2012 Royal Rumble Pool and we'll do a LIVE drawing tonight, so if you're in it tune in to find out what # you drew!

I also pop in for some TNA fun and to see that I drew the worst number in the Royal Rumble Pool. Ring The Bell will be returning next week with a new host, but same co-hosts.

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Monster Crap February 2012 Induction Poll

2012-01-20T18:07:00.000-08:00

As you know, the film that won the GINO Award for 2011 has not been released on DVD (Jan. 31) yet and will not be on Netflix until 30 days after that. So for this month, I moved my planned February induction Chupacabra Terror to January and there will be one of these polls for February. We have 10 films that I own and will induct the winner. So here we go....

Teenage Caveman (2002)

Worst Remake Of ARoger Corman Film…………..Ever

Bats (1999)

Is It Just Me Or DoThese Bats Suck Feces Instead Of Blood

War of the Worlds(2005)

To Coincide With TheSpielberg Borefest, Asylum Released Its Own Version Of This H.G. Wells Epic,Starring Soul Man

The Last Sentinel (2007)

Even The FanboysDelight Known As Katie Sackhoff And One Of My Favorite Voices In Actor Keith David Can Not Save Us From TheCrap & Boredom That Comes With A Movie Starring Don “The Dragon” Wilson.

Wing Commander (1999)

Sometimes Giving AnAdaptation To The Guy Who Created The Source Material Is Not The Right Move ToMake

Spider Woman: Death’s Web (2005)

A Not Known ThaiHorror Film That Should Have Never Been Made For Many Reasons

Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep (2006)

Jerry O’Connell’sBrother Stars In This Mess That Involves An Evil Entity That Squeezes AnythingThat Tries To Take Away Its Prize……….And Of Course, A Giant Octopus

The Invader (1997)

An Alien Tries ToImpregnate The Crazy Lady Who Tried To Be Catwoman In Tim Burton’s BatmanReturns. I Guess Beggars Can’t Be Choosers.

Graveyard Shift (1990)

Can I Take The Day OrSwing Shift Instead???

Return To Salem’s Lot (1987)

Great IdeaFolks…………………Let’s Return To Boredom

Voting ends January 28 at 12 am ET

Thursday Night AMP w/ Joe Gagne & IZW's Aaron Neil

2012-01-20T07:48:00.000-08:00

Thursday Night AMP returns for their second show of 2012! Co-hosts Stevie J and Peter H are joined by Killa Kev to discuss the latest wrestling news. Tonight's special guests are Joe Gagne from Joe vs. The World and the Funtime Pro Wrestling Arcade fame, along with IZW Champion Aaron Neil. We'll also update the post-season NFL Pick 'Em, and announce the prize for the 2012 AngryMarks Royal Rumble Pool!

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Thursday Night AMP - Planet Funkasaurus, ROH & Football Talk!

2012-01-15T11:07:00.000-08:00

Thursday Night AMP returns for their second show of 2012! Co-hosts Stevie J and Peter H are joined by Seth Drakin and Killa Kev to discuss the latest wrestling news. Special guests Ciara Reid joins us to talk ROH in Baltimore, we continue the post-season NFL Pick 'Em, and we can't forget to talk about The Funkasaurus From Planet Funk!

Ring The Bell will be on hiatus for a while so this will be where I show up for now.

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2011 GINO Awards Poll

2012-01-06T11:37:00.000-08:00

Well, its 2012 and its time to finally close out 2011 with the GINO Awards (which is the award for the worst movie (w/ monster(s) of the year). 2011 was a really bad year and because of so much crap deserving of being nominated.........there are 30 nominees this year which is alot (double last year's nominees). Here are the nominees.

Alvin & The Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

This Film Was BetterOff As Roadkill

Almighty Thor

The God OfThunder…..Uses Guns. Nuff Said

Battle: Los Angeles

For The First TimeEver, I Wanted To Just Grab The Camera & Tell It To Stay Still

Breaking Dawn Part 1

The Worst TwilightMovie Yet………….I Kid You Not

Children Of The Corn: Genesis

DimensionExtreme……..You Already Did Your Stupid Remake……….Please Give The Franchise ToSomeone Else

Chromeskull: Laid To Rest 2

I Liked The FirstLaid To Rest………..However, Terrible Acting & Changing The Formula To TheFilm Made Me Despise The Sequel

Creature

One Of The BiggestBox Office Bombs…..Why Was This In Theaters???

Dylan Dog: Dead of Night

More Like DylanDog: Dead On Arrival

Flesh Wounds

A Predator Rip-OffExcept The Characters Aren’t Awesome In Any Ways

Gnomeo & Juliet

An Insult ToWilliam Shakespeare’s Most Known Play

Hellraiser: Revelations

Like The NightmareOn Elm Street Remake Showed, Pinhead Should Be Played By Doug Bradley And NoOne Else

The Howling: Reborn

Why Did ThisFranchise Feel The Need To Rip-Off Twilight??

Hoodwinked Too: Hood vs. Evil

You WereHoodwinked………..If You Were Expecting A Good Film

Husk

This Film Needs ABrain

In The Name Of The King: Two Worlds

In Yet Another Uwe BollSequel……..Dolph Lundgren Shows He Was Just There For The Paycheck

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid

A Battle BetweenTwo Monsters Is Overshadowed By The Lousy Battle Between Two 80s Pop Stars WhoCan’t Act

Priest

What Had PotentialBecame A Mess Because Some Dumbass Decided They Needed To Cut The Hell Out OfThis Film

Quarantine 2

RABIES………………….DON’TWORK THAT WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Red Riding Hood

Movie………………..WhatBig Crap You Have

River of Darkness

Proving That WrestlingSadly Does Not Translate To Acting

Season Of The Witch

This Movie IsCursed With Being Extremely Boring

Shark Night

A PG-13 SharkAttack Movie With One Of The Dumbest Twists Ever

Skeleton Key 3: The Organ Trail

The OriginalSkeleton Key Did Not Need A Sequel Let Alone A Third Movie

Spy Kids: All The Time In The World

It’s Time ForRobert Rodriguez To Stop Doing Kids Movies

Super Shark

Uber-Low BudgetDirecting Legend Fred Olen Ray Does A Killer Shark Movie……..Not Much Else ToSay

Swamp Shark

Genetically AlteredShark Belongs More In The Sewers Than In A Swamp

The Thing

This UnoriginalPrequel Replaces Everything I Loved About The Original In This Insult To TheJohn Carpenter Classic

Vanishing on 7^th Street

An ExtremeDisappointment Of A Film, Considering It Had An Interesting Idea & A DecentMain Cast.

Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings

A “Prequel” ThatTries To Rip Off Hostel Too Much & Betrays The Continuity Of The Series.

Zookeeper

Should Have LockedThis Film In A Cage & Never Let It Out

Poll ends on January 14, 2012 at 12 AM

Thursday Night AMP - TNA Genesis 2012 Preview

2012-01-06T10:21:00.000-08:00

After taking a week off for the holidays, Thursday Night AMP returns for their first show of 2012! Co-hosts Stevie J and Peter H will discuss the latest wrestling news, preview TNA Genesis 2012 this Sunday, and wrap up a year's worth of NFL Pick 'Em results!

Show was started an hour late and I did not stay on too long. No Spoilers To The Rescue as I just am on to preview Genesis which is this Sunday.

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Thursday Night AMP for December 22, 2011

2011-12-24T17:50:00.000-08:00

Tonight on Thursday Night AMP, co-hosts Stevie J and Peter H will be joined by Seth Drakin to preview Friday's ROH Final Battle iPPV. We'll also talk about Impact Wrestling, discuss what happened at WWE TLC and do the weekly NFL Pick 'Em.

This will be the last Spoilers To The Rescue for 2011 as I spoil two episodes of Impact. So for now, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Also I wish you whatever denomination you have, a Happy one of those.

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Monster Crap Inductee: The Fog (2005)

2011-12-17T16:01:00.000-08:00

Monster CrapInductee: The Fog
One of The Worst Remakes Of All Time To Make It ToTheaters

2005

It’sbeen a long time coming, but I guess it is time that Monster Crap what hasexisted for the longest time, but until this generation has it become a plagueon society and any announcement of such has been met by all film fans the sameway: with their hands over their faces in shame. That thing is called theremake. It seems every generation, they talk about the lack of creativity withevery films these days, but sadly……….this 21^st century of films(while the trend of crap started in the late 90s technically) has been by farthe worst to the fact that nearly a third of the movies these days are remake.In fact, the word remake has these days been met with such hatred that whenasked if the film is a remake or not, they refuse and would rather use otherwords like “re-imagining”.

Yes,I Know Texas Chainsaw Massacre The Next Generation Was Considered By Some ARemake, But It Is Considered By Most A Sequel.

Becauseof that, today’s film will in fact be the first actual remake that will beinducted into Monster Crap. And boy, what a piece of crap we have. But let’stalk about the original.

In1980, one year after my favorite director of all time, John Carpenter,basically created the slasher genre with his epic, Halloween.

Whilethere are plenty who cite other films as the film that created the slasher(Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho or Bob Clark’s Black Christmas (both sadly havingcompletely crappy remakes)), Halloween was considered by most the first.Afterwards, the genre was piled by a number of slasher films like Friday The 13^th,Nightmare On Elm Street, etc. Hell, I’ve inducted a few. I mentioned TexasChainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, but I have also inducted many more.

Anyway,the film received great reviews by almost all of the critics and showed promisefor John Carpenter. He then followed that up with two TV movies beforereturning to the cinemas with The Fog. A film about supernatural ghosts whocome with a cursed fog to exact their revenge on a town for the crime committedagainst them 100 years ago by the founding fathers of the town, whosedescendants basically run it.

Whileconsidered not as good as Halloween, the film was also received positively bycritics. John Carpenter would continue to make great films that can beappreciated by all generations like his remake of The Thing from Another World(called simply “The Thing” (which is my favorite film of all time)), EscapeFrom New York, among others.

Soof course, it had to be remade. But with this being a remake, we need acompetent direc…….wait, I forgot that in this new remake craze, basicallyanyone could be hired to direct these films………so let’s get the director ofBlank Check.

IfThis Was A Video Review, You Could Definitely See Me Putting Both Hands Over MyFace In Shame.

Let’scontinue because not only did we decide that we should have Tom Welling (whowas just being considered big as Clark Kent in Smallville (which had been onfor a few seasons)) and Selma Blair (who would be remembered being in a kissingscene with Sarah Michelle Gellar in Cruel Intentions & being Liz Sherman inHellboy) would star in this film. So it’s time for me to review this piece ofcrap and yes, I’m not even going to pretend to be in this film fresh. I sawthis movie in the theaters for Christ sakes, so here we go………..

Webegin this scene with some footage of a guy screaming and a boat catching onfire. We also see a boat paddling away and a different guy catching on fire.But what is apparently most important is a bag falling into the water.

I’llTalk About Who Kenneth Walsh Is A Bit Later

Thescene ends with one of the men in the small boat getting dragged into the seaso basically, we only know that people were able to get away from a burningboat and a guy got dragged under. I know more will be explained later, but inthe original…..we got a campfire scene where a weary old man tells a bunch ofkids about what happened and basically set up the whole movie. We then moveto……….

ThanksMovie For Telling Us Where This Whole Movie Will Be Set At

Weare then introduced to radio DJ Stevie Wayne (played by Selma Blair) who is ata lighthouse on Antonio Island. Anyway, Stevie Wayne is basically a DJ who usesher voice to arouse men so they would continue to listen. Oh and today isapparently the day where a new statue will be unveiled which commemoratesAntonio Bay’s founders. For those of you wondering………there is apparently onecity on this entire island called Antonio Bay. And seeing as how this town is shown to be really not that big, eitherAntonio Island is rather small or there is a whole hell of a lot of the islandthat isn’t populated at all. Basically she reveals that one of the founders isher great-great grandfather.

Nowhere is the problem with Selma Blair. Selma is a very attractive young lady andall, she really doesn’t have the voice to be considered sultry and would arousemen in my mind. Her voice sounds more bored than seductive. Especially if youcompare that to the original Stevie Wayne Adrienne Barbeau…….who had a voicethat could really turn people on and she never sounded bored. As a guy who doessome radio myself (online radio), if you want your character to be the desireof every man despite not seeing your face, you need to go all out and wrap theaudience in with a really sultry voice and the original version pulled that offbetter than the newer version.

Butwe go to the mayor Tom Malone & Kathy Williams.

Iguess I should mention that Tom Malone was not in the original and is basicallyin this version to be the brother of Father Malone (who we will meet later).That is Kenneth Walsh and basically Kenneth Walsh at that time was just aroundto play assholes (he was really good at that). Hell, he was a huge jerk in TheDay After Tomorrow as the Vice President. We will get to Kathy Williams muchlater, but we get back to the film by noticing that Kathy is very upset thatanother person has the spyglass over her ancestor, who actually had it. TomMalone tries to tell her that it really doesn’t matter, but she wants to sendit back. However, Tom tells her that it is kind of too late to send it backsince the unveiling is tonight so Kathy instead tells Tom to send it back atthe end of the season so they can get it right.

HereWe See Kenneth Shaking His Head Wondering How He Was Convinced Into Being InAnother Over-Budgeted Piece Of Crap

Wethen meet our main character Nick Castle (played by Tom Welling).

I’mSorry Tom…………..But You Are No Nick Castle.

Especiallyconsidering that Nick Castle (yes, John Carpenter named the character after theguy who he had play Michael Myers for 99% of Halloween) was played by TomAtkins.

Yes,The Same Tom Atkins Who Would Later Be In Halloween 3

ButTom Atkins spoke and acted like a guy who was very good with the ladies and youcould believe as a leading man. Tom Welling, acts and speaks like anunconfident individual who you would guess would be brooding all the damn time,which was basically the same type of performance he gave for Clark Kent inSmallville. So yeah, I would rather have Tom Atkins than Tom Welling.

Anyway,Nick here (with the help of his first mate Spooner)….

AKAObligatory Black Comedic Sidekick

Theyare trying to sell these two fishermen who chartered their boat The Sea Grassabout the greatness of Antonio Bay and try to get some money for a good fishingexperience. They try to weigh the anchor, but the anchor gets caught. Thiscauses the ship to tip and thankfully, the two were able to avoid the shipcapsizing, but they lose some of the fish they catch, which definitely pissesoff the fishermen. But the bigger news as the film shows is that what theanchor was caught on was one of those bags that had personal belongings of thatship that caught on fire at the beginning.

Whenthey get the anchor up, the bag busts open.

Ohby the way during a conversation after the whole incident, we reveal that Nickhere had a relationship with Stevie Wayne. Spooner also reveals that this alsohappened while Nick was dating a girl named Elizabeth and wonders what happensif Stevie blabs, which Nick responds that Elizabeth is 3000 miles away. Nickdrives off and sees the new statue, and has a conversation with Kathy and Tom.Nick is upset that they are wasting that money on a statue instead of on themarina, which could use some fixing.

Thenwe get to meet our title character……..

TheFog……….

Andthis is where our biggest problem shows up………the fog is clearly CGI and bad CGIat that. In the original, the fog was a lot of smoke which while notfog…….could look more like fog and is in fact more eerie that well………..what wehave in this film.

Meanwhilewe have Machen, who is an old man who basically spends his days with his metaldetector, hoping to find something that is worth money.

Hefinds an old pocket watch and as he leaves, water washes away the seaweed whichwas covering the watch to also reveal….

AHand

Ofcourse, Machen never sees the hand so he leaves.

Elsewhere,we see a fisherman (who is Uncle Hank) go to the dock where he hears his dogsbarking and finds that one of his dogs has mysteriously died.

WhatHappened, You Ask? Well………This Movie I Guess Wants Us To Assume The Fog KilledIt Because This Whole Plot Point Is Never Brought Up Again

Nowwhile not as insulting as what I call Pointless Child Death (where they justkill a kid that is not built up or has no character……….just for cheap shock),killing a dog and having this guy bemoan this and then……..having it neverbrought up again, that is almost as offensive to me as a viewer.

Backon the road, Nick drives and sees a woman hitchhiking. He stops and how muchyou want to bet it is Elizabeth.

WhatA Shock…………..It Is.

Sheis of course played by Maggie Grace, who was at the time Shannon Rutherford inLost. I guess in some ways that is all well and good, but there is no way shewill be able to pull off the role as well as her predecessor…………Jamie LeeCurtis, who had just worked with Carpenter and gotten her big break the sameway with Halloween.

Yes,I Know Jamie Was Later On In Halloween: Resurrection.

Anyway,Jamie Lee Curtis was pretty big at that time so Maggie Grace, much like TomWelling and Selma Blair, is a huge step down from the original. Trust me, wewill have more disappointments when compared to the original.

Anyway,Elizabeth is back and she screws with Nick a little bit and mentions that shehasn’t been gone that long. Um…………you have been gone for 6 months withoutapparently telling anyone or writing anyone, that’s a pretty long time to begone and do all that. Now while my brother was deployed overseas away from hiswife and kid for nearly a year, he made damn sure to check in with them.Elizabeth, you fail!!!!!!

ButElizabeth shows Nick how grateful she is to be back with him by………..

ByMaking Out

Wethen go to the lighthouse to get more radio from Stevie Wayne.

OhBy The Way, While Her Voice Does Come Up In The Intro, This Is The First TimeWe Actually See Her

Shetalks about there being a low tide and mentions Dan The Weatherman. Now whileSelma acts like she is trying to be sultry on the radio, she does not seem tohave the voice to convince me so as much as Adrienne Barbeau did. Meanwhilesome music is playing and we see the Sea Grass out at sea where Spooner and hisfriend Sean have commandeered the boat so they can party with some young girls.

TheGirls Names Are Mandi & Jennifer (although Spooner initially calls herBrandi)

Wealso immediately find out that Sean is Nick’s cousin. This whole trip was donewithout Nick’s permission and when he finds out (via the ship not being whereit should be), he is not too happy, but what the hell can he do so he decidesto hang some more with Elizabeth. Now while Nick is finding this out, Elizabethhas a conversation with Machen who shows her the watch he found. When Elizabethtouches it, the watch mysteriously starts working.

Wehave a pointless scene where a bell with the name Elizabeth Dane on it startsringing mysteriously. Meanwhile, Stevie gets a call from Dan The Weatherman whotries to put the moves on her over the phone, but Stevie is not falling for it.

Anyway,Dan reveals why he really called and says that there is a fog bank that ismoving against the wind (which is very unusual) so Stevie reports it on theair.

Nowlet’s go back to Dan The Weatherman (who is played by Jonathon Young). Jonathonwas in a films beforehand with rather minor roles, but he is easily a far cryfrom Charles Cyphers, who played Dan O’Bannon (basically same character, butwith a last name. The full name being Carpenter using another guy he used towork with as a name for one of his characters (this time being the screenwriterwho worked with John in John Carpenter’s directorial debut Dark Star). CharlesCyphers, for Halloween fans out there, was Sheriff Bracket.

Backon the Sea Grass, Spooner, Sean, Mandi, & Jennifer talk about how theydon’t see the fog. Sean tries to start the engine, but it is dead and that iswhen of course they get attacked by………..

TheFog.....

Thefour see it coming and are completely terrified by it.

Thefog starts entering the city and through mysteriously breaking windows, theycause Nick and Elizabeth to stop the car. When they wonder what the hell justhappened, Father Malone shows up drunk as a skunk basically telling them thatthey are murderers and says the whole town is filled with murderers. When theyask Father Malone if he saw anything that caused the windows to be busted,Malone says that he saw nothing.

Timefor another moment where this version of The Fog proves it’s a poor remake withanother actor to actor comparison (which the original is always going to win).Father Malone in this version is played by Adrian Hough, who at this timebasically did TV and direct to TV work……..although he did voice Nightcrawler inthe 1990s X-Men cartoon. But other thanthat, there wasn’t much known about him. The original Father Malone was HalHolbrook, who had memorable roles as Abraham Lincoln in a TV miniserieschronically the life of the 16^th president, on stage as Mark Twain,and of course as the enigmatic “Deep Throat” in All The President’s Men.

Backto the movie, it is clear Father Malone is a drunk and the couple justbasically brushes him off.

Onthe boat, everything electronic on the boat breaks which freaks everyone out.Sounds are heard outside the boat and Spooner decides to investigate. He freakout as they see an old ship come out of the fog.

Hecalls Sean to come out and see this, but by the time Sean gets there, the boatis gone. This of course leaves the two ladies inside and they get killedby………something, as they get propelled through windows and are automaticallydead. Something shows up in the shadows of the fog inside the boat, but whenthe two guys wonder what it is……….a knife gets possessed and launches itselfinto Sean’s head.

Spoonergets even more scared as he watches Sean fall over and die. The ship getsenveloped by the fog and we hear Spooner scream, so we change scenes toElizabeth confronting her mother, who is Kathy Williams.

Andnow let’s get to the difference between the two films as far as therelationship between Elizabeth and Kathy goes. In this version, Elizabeth isKathy’s daughter. But in the original, Elizabeth is just a hitchhiker cominginto town who has no relation at all to Kathy. Of course I’m sure in thisversion that was done to play off the fact that the role of Elizabeth in theoriginal was played by Jamie Lee Curtis and the role of Kathy in the originalwas played by Jamie’s mom, Janet Leigh, who was a pretty big actress herselffrom Psycho.

Yes,I Know She Was Also In Night Of The Lepus.

Sobasically it already should be a given that the better performance was given inthe original, but let’s go ahead and look at who played Kathy in this version.Kathy was played by Sara Botsford, who was known at the time for being the leadin the TV series that went on for 5 seasons, E.N.G. Yep………it’s a double given onwho the better performance goes to.

Anyway,Elizabeth confronts Kathy, who is pretty much a bitch when it comes to yourdaughter coming home. Kathy wishes Elizabeth called first and she says thathouse isn’t a hotel. This pisses Elizabeth off who leaves and consoles herselfby going to Nick’s house and…….

AndHas Sex With Him In The Shower

Andno……..you will not be seeing Maggie Graces’ boobs because this film is PG-13after all………even though I am watching the supposed Unrated version of the filmthat was released on DVD. By the way, while the Unrated version is probablymore superior to the PG-13 theatrical cut………..it’s not by much as there aresome more effects, but the effects are still crap and basically the movie isjust made longer.

Thatnight, Elizabeth hears the sound of banging and is woken up by it, which inturn wakes up Nick. Elizabeth explains that she keeps seeing people burning andends up drowning in her dreams. She of course explains that she has been havingthem a lot so that is why she came home. He is able to calm her down by sayingthat they are only just dreams and of course, they go back to bed.

Thatnight, Elizabeth draws the symbol of a balance scale and looks it up on Googleto wonder what it means. When she finds a ship hallmark that looks like theweighing scale she was drawing, the computer goes on the fritz and the wordDane is shown.

Hopefully It Is Not Dane Cook

Thisgoes on for a few seconds before the computer just turns off. Suddenly shenotices wet footprints on the ceiling.

Lionel Ritchie Will Not Be Pleased

Shefollows the footprints into the living room and then hears banging at the door,which of course is being caused by a ghost club.

Ofcourse you can barely see the damn thing so you can blame crappy CGI, whichtrust me……..you will get more of.

Elizabeth goes to check on what it is, butnobody is there. She then heads towards the beach, while putting on a sweaterbecause she hears a voice calling her name. She is startled by Nick who comesup from behind to wonder what is going on. She basically doesn’t say anythingand the two head back inside.

Thenext day, a kid comes walking on the beach and finds a brush. The kid goes backto the house to show his mom, who just so happens to Stevie Wayne. We alsolearn the kid’s name is Andy. Andy wants to go back to the beach and Stevie allowsit, but only for 30 more minutes as she has to go to work early as today is abig day. Andy wants to go to work with her, but Stevie declines.

Elizabethrides her bike into town and sees the statue. She goes to the town hall andlooks up the symbol she saw on her computer.

Aprofessor comes by who explains that the symbol is for Prince William Island,an island that got rich quickly off trading before a leprosy outbreak killedhalf the town and the other half left by ship but never returned.

Meanwhile,Nick meets up with Stevie and we get more hints that they had something goingbefore Elizabeth came back into town. Nick gets a call about his ship notcoming back yet and he goes to get Elizabeth and take her with him, to find outwhat happened to the Sea Grass. Uncle Hank is about to call the coast guard,but Nick advises against it while saying the boat probably anchored up thechannel so he will go out and get it. He asks to use Hank’s boat, which Hankhas no problem with.

Thetwo find the boat and it appears to be abandoned. However, the two find Sean’sbody and also find the body of the two girls, which were hanging off the net.

Theyalso find Spooner, who is barely alive after being in the freezer.

Steviehears the news via the radio of her car. Back at the site, we see a screamingmother who is upset by the death of her daughter. Tom Malone asks Nick andElizabeth if Spooner said anything to them and both respond that he hasn’t saida word. The police ask if he wants them to arrest Spooner and when Nick askswhat for, Tom explains that Spooner is the prime suspect in the deaths of Sean,Jennifer, and Mandi. Also Hank shows up to tell Tom that the coast guard wantsto speak to him.

IShould Mention That Hank’s Face Looks Worse Every Time He Appears WhichSignifies That He Has Leprosy, Which Makes Me Wonder If This Is Supposed ToHave A Point, Why Would Hank Get It Other Than The Fact That His Dog DiedEarlier.

Tomgoes to leave, but before he does so……he tells Nick that when Spooner thawsout, he better have a damn good story about what happened. When everyoneleaves, Spooner tells Nick that “The fog killed them”. When Elizabeth asks whathe means, Nick reveals that he was able to take a camera away from the boatbefore the authorities could find it and he tells her to keep it for now.

Meanwhile,we see Stevie enter the lighthouse and begin her radio show. She finds a giftand sees that it is a webcam. When she sets it up, Dan is on the other lineasking her if she liked his gift, to which Stevie responds that if she wantedpeople to see her…she wouldn’t have gone to radio. Or……….maybe you are morecomfortable talking on the radio than in front of a camera, but that is just myexperience with the medium. Back at Nick’s charter house, Elizabeth is lookingat the footage from the camera. It pretty much confirms that Spooner did notkill the three others…………….so how much you want to bet this somehow gets lostand/or destroyed.

OfCourse…………..

Elizabethgets knocked out for a second, but is able to wake up before she drowns. Oh butshe gets caught in a freaking net.

Hey,I Caught Myself A Maggie Grace

Elizabethis able to get out of the net and when she goes to get back onto dry land, shefinds a journal that was hidden in the walls.

Backat the lighthouse, Stevie hears a strange noise that appears to be coming fromthe strange hairbrush that her son found. The brush then catches on fire.

ThisIs God………..Please Stop Making This Crappy Remake

Stevieimmediately grabs a fire extinguisher and puts out the fire. She then sees thatthe fire does not act like what a normal fire acts like and instead of burningeverything, it only burns marks onto the pieces of paper.

Stevieimmediately calls home and tells Andy to not go on the beach. Of course sincethe babysitter Connie, she does hear this conversation…

TooBusy Watching Jeopardy

Sowhen she asks what Stevie said, Andy lies and then asks to go onto the beach,which Connie is okay with.

Wethen get a shot that shows that the CGI Fog is coming back before we go to thechurch, Elizabeth looks for Father Malone. She of course finds him at thegraveyard drinking. Elizabeth shows Father Malone the diary and after a fewminutes, Father Malone tells her that she really should get off the island. Wethen get flashback footage to reveal that the ghost ship that we have seen inthe past was called the Elizabeth Dane.

Atthe hospital, the mayor grills Spooner about what happened on the boat whileNick watches. Elizabeth wants to speak with Nick, but Nick says now is not thebest time since it appears Spooner is in a lot of trouble. While waitingoutside, Elizabeth looks at Sean’s body and then turns away. When she goes overto look at the other bodies, Sean’s corpse awakens.

Itwalks over to Elizabeth and grabs her. It tells her “Blood for Blood” beforefalling over. Elizabeth is horrified and the noise sends out Tom and Nick, whoare confused by what happened.

Ata bar, Nick tries to calm Elizabeth down with some alcohol. Elizabeth doesn’tthink Nick believes her, but the guy actually makes good points by saying all thecrap that he is going through right now so what does she want him to do. Elizabeththen explains that it isn’t just her as Father Malone is planning on leavingthe island and she tells him that the footage shows that Spooner was innocent.When Nick asks her about the camera, she explains that she lost it, but showsthe diary that she found. They then look at the family photos where they wereliving in shacks before 1871 where the town miraculously appears, which makesthem wonder what happened to cause the town to be created in one year’s time.Another flashback shows up that shows the four founding fathers of the townspeaking to each other and agreeing on what they about to do (whatever thatis). They then sail out to sea and that is all of the flashback we get for now.

Backat the hospital, Spooner has escaped, which definitely does not help his casefor not committing the murders. We get another scene with Machen as he sees anentire table with chairs and dinnerware on the sand.

AppearsSomeone Wanted To Have A Candlelight Dinner On The Beach………How Romantic…

Ofcourse that moment is ruined by the chandelier that has also washed up onto thebeach.

Okay,Now This Is Strange

Machen’smetal detector then goes off as he finds an anchor held by a rope buried in thesand. Machen (wondering what is at the other end) goes out to see to see whatis at the other end. Of course this drags him underwater as the fog approaches.Of course, Andy sees this buffoonery and is now terrified.

PersonallyI Think Machen Just Lost To Darwin

Andythen tries to outrun the fog. And yet somehow Andy is able to get back into thehouse before the fog can get to him. Connie then closes the door behind Andyand they both see the fog surround the house with them inside as well as partsof the town. Meanwhile back at the lighthouse, Stevie gets news from Dan thatanother fog bank is coming into the area and it has already surrounded hispost. The power then goes out at Dan’s place, but the computer still works(which he chalks up to batteries). Dan then hears huge bangs on his door andDan decides to investigate, despite Stevie being against it. Dan goes outsideand of course, the fog gets him, but I blame it on Dan and here is why. Dandrops the oil lamp on himself and catches on fire. Then of course the fogthrows him throw him back inside, but the fire kills him.

Whilemore graphic and all in the unrated version, this scene is one of those momentswhere the alternate cut is a better version. And I don’t mean the theatricalcut of this scene, I mean the third alternate cut that didn’t make it totheaters or DVD. The scene shows the lamp being taken from Dan’s hands andfloating around him before being thrown at him. Yes, it may have been longer,but it would have made Dan look less like a dumbass because he didn’t drop thedamn thing on himself.

Stevieimmediately calls her own house and before she can say anything, the phone cutsout. Outside of the town center, Kathy is giving a speech about how this wholetown owes a debt of gratitude to the four men who founded Antonio Bay. Ofcourse the speech is cut short as power goes out throughout the town. Back toAndy and Connie, Connie tells Andy that they better close all the windows.While Connie is gone to close all the windows in Stevie’s room, Andy looks outand states that the fog wants them for some reason.

Backat the town center, we hear Kathy tell everyone that the lights should be backon soon while Nick & Elizabeth comment how it is strange to have a poweroutage at this time. However, Tom makes the ultimate decision that it is bestif everyone just went home. At the lighthouse, Stevie says that there is anemergency going on and she needs someone to check on her son. Nick hears thisand tells Elizabeth they need to head to the house. Oh and she does the line“There Is Something In The Fog” which if you have watched the original is avery memorable line and in this one, it is just jumbled in there with the restof her dialogue.

Steviethen immediately gets into her car and heads towards her house. While drivingthere, Elizabeth reads Nick the diary. She reveals a character named WilliamBlake who had a proposition for the town folks and that was to set up a colonyat the other side of the island. We see more flashback footage of the ElizabethDane and her crew

IWill Give This Film Small Credit In The Makeup For The People Suffering FromLeprosy Looks Very Good.

Backat the house, we see Connie washing the dishes when she notices smoke comingfrom the drain. Oh no, it’s this death. It’s the one death of the two deathsthat pissed me off with this film because they made no sense with the rest ofthe film. Here we go……..

Connielooks at the sink to figure out what is going on and a hand grabs her.

Shestruggles for a bit and the hand let’s go. Suddenly, her arm starts changingcolors and she rots into bones. Yes you heard me, she got touched to death.

IShould Also Add The CGI In This Transformation Is Atrocious

Theghosts in the fog don’t kill anyone like this again. They mostly just kill thepeople by possessing objects and using them for murder (although I guess youcould count the fucking dog as how they did this, but even then………you don’t seethis shit happen to the dog and the fog is definitely not even nearby when ithappens). This film is my second most offensive death because of how stupid itis done, but there is one more death that is worse and we will get to that craplater.

Meanwhile,Stevie (in her own car) has her car stop for some reason and her car getsengulfed into the fog bank.

Stevieis scared by the fog and suddenly, a truck comes by and knocks her off the roadand into the water.

NowI have never been in a crash with a truck and all, but my brother has had asmall car rear end into the SUV he was borrowing from my dad and while thesmall car got more damage, the SUV driver freaking noticed when the crash happened.This movie, the truck goes on its merry way as if nothing happens and we neversee this truck again.

Backto the film and we have Stevie wake up when the car is overflowing with waterand while she is trying to escape, we get our first shot of the CGI ghosts.

OhGod, That Is The Haunting Remake Levels Of Bad CGI

Stevieis able to escape thanks to a door that just so happened to be open and is ableto survive. Back at the house, Andy makes the gruesome discovery of Connie’s corpse.Andy runs into his room and locks the door. The fog enters the house and we seebanging on his door. But luckily for Andy, Nick has shown up and breaks awindow, allowing Andy to escape before the fog can get to him. But not beforewe see another crappy CGI ghost.

Dude,I Know This Movie Is Painful………..But This Will Be Over Very Soon

Theyget into the truck (not the one that ran Stevie down mind you) and escape. Wealso see Nick run over one of the ghosts.

EvenThese Ghosts Are Filled With Crap

Meanwhilewe see Spooner at the docks waiting for the ferry to get him off this islandand of course Father Malone is also there. Of course the ghost ship shows upand both of them decide to get the hell out of dodge. The truck that carriedNick, Elizabeth, and Andy runs into a conveniently placed boat that yes, wewill never talk about again.

Whilerecovering, Elizabeth has more dreams about the Elizabeth Dane and we see thefour founding fathers of Antonio Bay coming onto the ship. While Blake isreading the contract for the half of the island, one of the founding fathersdecides to pull a gun on Blake. They say to Blake that he will give them all ofthe gold and the Elizabeth Dane will escape with their wretched lives. Blake isupset with this betrayal.

WhenElizabeth wakes up, she is met by Nick and Andy. They meet Hank who is in fullleprosy mode and when they ask him to come with them, Hank says he can’tbecause he needs to find his dogs as they are all that he has left. Hank goesinto the fog and we hear a scream signifying his death. We do see that thereare ghosts in the fog and this causes the three to leave.

Theymeet Stevie, who is happy to see that her son is still alive. When they enterthe town hall, Elizabeth sees the statue and we see the flashback of all thathappens with the Elizabeth Dane. The founding fathers rob the Elizabeth Dane,lock the people into the cabins, and set the ship ablaze. The lepers are allburned to death and in some cases, drown.

Whenthat flashback is over, Nick, Elizabeth, Stevie, & Andy are all greeted byKathy and Tom. Spooner and Father Malone also join. There Elizabeth tells hermother and the mayor what the founding fathers did. Of course the two who haveprofited most by this town don’t see why they are suffering for the sins oftheir father and when Father Malone confirms the truth, Tom calls him a liar.Outside we see the ghosts have come.

Thebody of Hank is thrown through the window and Kathy is grabbed by the ghosts.Elizabeth screams and is held back by Nick. Everyone runs while Father Malonestays to face his fate.

OhTrust Me, This Is Going To Suck

Brokenglass surrounds Father Malone and stabs him.

Ohby the way, that last shot where you can see a little red signifying blood. Inthe theatrical PG-13 cut of the film, that red was missing. Apparently to get aPG-13 rating for this thing, impalement had to look like a ghosts going throughyou. I would also like to add for all of you who say “well, what about theoriginal?” the original was Rated R.

Anyway,Father Malone dies. The ghost comes in and grabs Tom and drags him all the wayto the graveyard.

OrForce Pushes Him All The Way There, Who Cares?

Onceat the graveyard, Tom sees that he is surrounded by all of the ghosts.

Tomis given the contract back by the ghost of Blake and it engulfs Tom in flames.

Soof course Tom is now dead, but here comes the last and worst death in themovie. Elizabeth is at the graveyard and we find out that Elizabeth is thereincarnation of Blake’s love. She goes over and kisses Blake and she becomes aghost herself.

Theghosts then all go away, leaving Nick heartbroken.

Doyou really want to know why this is stupid? Well, here it goes. In no (and Irepeat NO) other movie that I know of has a kiss transformed one person into aghost. We’ve see ghosts come out of a person during a kiss and the body dies orwhatever, but we have never see a person be human one moment……but after a kiss,turn into a fucking ghost. Do you want to know why? Because as far as matter isconcerned, IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE!!!! Bodies are always around and buried.Bodies don’t just evaporate into a fucking ghost.

Iremember watching this in the theater and this was months before I wasdiagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis so at the time, I really wasn’t the bestjudge of what was good so I was willing to forgive the whole Connie death, butthis……………….even at that point in my life, I said bullshit. That pissed me offmore than anything. So you want to know what made me hate thismovie……………..there is your moment.

InFact, This Scene Just Shows Them Smirking At Me, Knowing They Created ABullshit Death

Butthe movie isn’t over as after all of that, we see Stevie at her radio stationin the lighthouse (with her son there) trying to explain about what happened aspeople try to move on with their lives and warn us that this could happenagain. They don’t know why this happened and quite honestly, we as the audiencedon’t know why this happened.

Inthe original, the ship was sunk by a false fire (lit by the founding fathers)that they thought was the lighthouse (with the fog they couldn’t tell) and causedtheir ship to crash on the rocks. That was a 100 years ago and when the presenthit for the centennial, the ghosts come back to get their revenge.

Inthe remake, its 120 years after the boat was burned (which the fog only servedas a background for instead of being one of the reasons the ship sunk) so itmakes no sense to choose then other than………..the statue was being made,Elizabeth was coming back, and the Sea Grass’ anchor had opened the bags hidingthe remaining souvenirs from the ship. You see how basically just random allthat shit happening at the same time is. It’s basically the biggest ofcoincidences for the ghosts to show up.

Nowsince the movie is over, I guess we need to talk about the aftermath. For themovie itself, it got number one in the box office, but as many experts hadpointed out, with the money it made….it could be contributed to not many peoplegoing to the theaters that week. In fact, if this movie had opened a yearearlier at the same time and gotten the same money………..it would have finishedfifth.

Nowit is time for the aftermath of the actors. Tom Welling, with this crap andCheaper By The Dozen 2, proved that he was not a movie actor and was stuckdoing Smallville because no more movie acting gigs came his way. Maggie Gracewas screwed for a while by being stuck in Direct To DVD films before getting abig break by playing the kidnapped daughter of Liam Neeson’s character inTaken. Selma Blair has basically been stuck with the Hellboy franchise and notmuch else as far as big movies go.

Butsaddest of all would have to go to Debra Hill, who was the producer to thisfilm and worked a lot with John Carpenter in many of his films. A few monthsbefore this film was even released to theaters, Debra Hill lost her battle withcancer at the age of 54. She contributed to a film a year later directed byOliver Stone called World Trade Center, but this was the last film she was ableto work with John Carpenter as they both were producers for this film.

Nowlet’s talk about how god awful this remake is. The film suffers from manyproblems. The acting is horrible, mainly because the actors are basicallyyounger actors who were so miscast as replacements for the originals.Seriously, you look at the original cast, then look at this movie and justscratch your head as to what they were thinking. The script was abysmal,several times bringing things into the film only to be quickly dropped like itnever happened. The special effects are horrendous abominations compared to theoriginal. The original believed in a more “what you can’t see may be moreterrifying that what you can” while this version believed in a “showeverything” approach which rarely works. When people talk about how remakes areterrible these days and how they are ruining cinema, this is the poster childfor that logic and honestly you can see why.

Well,that is all for this year so I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy NewYear (and a merry whatever denomination you believe in at this time of). Joinme next year in January as we induct the GINO Award Winner which signifies theworst movie to come out this year.

Ring the Bell for December 13th - WWE Slammy Awards Reaction

2011-12-13T18:27:00.000-08:00

Ring The Bell takes a brief hiatus from it's hiatus, with a special recap of the 2011 WWE Raw Slammy Awards. Hosts Killa Kev and Seth Drakin are joined by AngryMarks WWE Raw Recapper Ian Clark to cover the show, SmackDown RunDown's Nickolye joins the fun, and we also have the return of Seth's TNA Spoilers to the Rescue!

While watching the pain that was Raw this week, we got the idea to tape Ring The Bell after Raw.

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Thursday Night AMP w/ Jon Harder & TNA Final Resolution

2011-12-12T22:13:00.000-08:00

Tonight on Thursday Night AMP, we'll be joined by special guest Jon Harder, a jack of all trades when it comes to indie wrestling and the start of his own The Hardway w/ Jon Harder podcast! Stevie J, Peter H and Mike Poulin will chat with him about breaking into pro wrestling, the NWA On Fire promotion he announces for, tips for other people looking to get into wrestling, and so much more! Believe it or not there's also a TNA Final Resolution PPV this Sunday so we'll discuss it, and as usual we'll do the weekly NFL Pick 'Em. Seth Drakin also makes an appearance to do TNA Spoilers To The Rescue

Sorry to have posted this late, but we had to move Spoilers To The Rescue to AMP because Killa Kev's work schedule put Ring The Bell on hiatus for December.

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Universal Studios Orlando Closing The Jaws Ride

2011-12-02T18:06:00.001-08:00

From Universal Studios Orlando Facebook

Hey fans, we want you to be the first to know… JAWS! and the Amity area will officially close on January 2 to make room for an exciting, NEW, experience we're planning for you.

We know you love JAWS! and we do too. It has been an amazing attraction and after terrorizing the waters of Amity here at Universal Orlando for 20 years, it's a VERY important part of our history. So, we've got a couple things planned to ensure we always remember and honor it. We know it's hard to say goodbye, but we can't express how EXCITED we are about the new, innovative & amazing experience we're going to be bringing you.

Being that I inducted Jaws: The Revenge onto Monster Crap and have mentioned that I loved Jaws, I felt the need to mention my thoughts on this. I went on the Jaws ride when I was very young and while most of the rides in Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida felt really fun to me, the Jaws ride in my mind was by far the weakest. So I am not too broken up that the ride is closing other than tradition (which the theme park has crapped on in the past by closing Back To The Future: The Ride, and Kongfrontation as well as changing the names of some of the rides like the Earthquake ride (which is now Disaster, A Major Motion Picture Starring You), however...........what really irritates me is the rumor going around is the reason is so the Harry Potter section can be expanded and Universal felt we need a ride based on this.

Now I know I have recieved some problems with Twilight fans for my hatred of the series (even though I have admitted that I did not mind the first film), but my problem is not with that. My main problem is just this one simple thing.

HOW THE HELL CAN YOU MAKE A RIDE BASED ON THE TWILIGHT SERIES???!!!!

I have sat through and watched most of these films (I am not going to a theater to sit through Breaking Dawn Part 1). There is nothing (and I mean NOTHING) in those movies that would make for any type of entertaining attraction at an amusement park.

I tried to talk with some people and while they agree with me as to "What the hell, Universal", I have had a few who have defended the change, saying Jaws is getting old as a franchise and that it isn't as memorable to kids these days as Twilight is.

Now I may have been an adult when the Twilight movies came out, but Jaws came out in 1975, nearly a decade before I was even born. Long before I had even seen the movie Jaws myself, I knew that Jaws was about a killer shark. It has kind of been written into pop culture that when Jaws comes up, you normally think about a shark. If the day comes when kids know what Twilight is, but don't know what Jaws is............I feel sorry for them and quite frankily, I don't want to be near them for fear that their lack of knowledge would rub off on me. I hope that day never comes.

But this event is really making me question the future of our civilization as far as pop culture goes.

The SmackDown RunDown for November 29 - LIVE Holiday SmackDown!

2011-12-02T03:28:00.001-08:00

Due to the special Tuesday live edition of WWE SmackDown on SyFy, our regular Tuesday night show Ring The Bell has been pre-empted for a special edition of The Smackdown Rundown Hosts Nickolye and King J are joined by Ciara and Mike Poulin to discuss tonight's show, and regular Ring the Bell contributor Seth Drakin calls in with his weekly TNA Spoilers to the Rescue. Was Daniel Bryan successful challenging Mark Henry? What did Mick Foley do as the host? Find out all of your answers here.

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Monster Crap: Frogs (1972)

2011-11-26T09:53:00.001-08:00

Monster CrapInductee: Frogs
Should Be Called Everything But The Frogs

1972

Well,it’s time for another nature-spoitation where filmmakers use a real lifeproblem as a way to make a monster with the reason for the monsters is humansare complete dumbasses. In the past we have had so many that I really can’tkeep count. But one thing we have never had is a “When Nature Strikes Back”film, which is a film showing that because of what asshole people…….creatures(not enlarged like usual) decide that they are going to kill us. Unfortunately,one of the reasons why is because like it or not, there aren’t that many outthere. In fact there is very few of those that I actually know of and one ofthe biggest problems with those is for the most part………..they are boring. Theonly one I know that without a shadow of a doubt is good………is a littleAustralian film called Long Weekend.

Thefilm we are doing today is probably one of the most well known of those typesof films in Frogs. And probably one of the reasons it is well known is becauseof the two leads. You have Ray Milland who won an Oscar for his role in TheLost Weekend. You had Sam Elliot, who at the time was well known for being inthe hit TV series Mission: Impossible. So you had a decentcast……….unfortunately, you didn’t have an interesting story so let’s get tothis very boring film.

Webegin this movie with Pickett Smith rowing through the swamps, takingphotographs of the wildlife there.

Ofcourse every time he takes a photo, a new part of the opening credits appear.

ByThe Third Picture, We Get Our Opening Title Card, Along With A Huge Close-Up OfA Frog (Or Toad, As You Will Learn Later)

Wealso have Pickett taking a few pictures of some trash that some asshole threwthere.

IThink I May Need To Go To The Hospital With How Many Times This Film HasAlready Tried To Hammer In Me That “We Are Bad For Polluting The Earth”

LordKnows I Suffered Enough Pollution Related Abuse From Captain Planet

Anyway,we go out to the lake where we see Clint and Karen Crockett on a speed boat.Clint is driving the boat while drunk so Of course they run into Pickett andknock him off his boat. Clint tries to apologize, but Pickett throws him offthe boat as a way of payback. Of course, Clint also gets back on the boat andwe have a scene where Karen offers to take Pickett back to the house to get afresh batch of clothes.

WeAlso Learn That Clint And Karen Are Brothers.

Pickettmentions that he lost valuable equipment and they apologize for that too. Wethen meet the rest of the men in the family.

TheWheelchair Bound Father Of Clint And Karen Named Jason Crockett, Along WithJason’s Nephew Michael Martindale

Michael’sFather And Jason’s Brother-In-Law Stuart Martindale

Jasonhas Stuart meet the three coming in half way so he can figure out what is goingon. During this scene, you immediately notice that some of so called frogs lookdifferent from others.

That’sBecause Some Are Bullfrogs And Some Are Cane Toads. That’s Right………..This MovieDoes Not Know The Difference Between A Frog And A Toad.

Ohand get used to a lot of croaking in this movie as it rarely stops. Jason tellsPickett that he noticed him out in the swamp and tells him that this is privateproperty, for which he has been intruding on. Pickett said he didn’t see thesign that said Private Property and reveals that he is a free-lancephotographer and is doing a pollution layout for an ecology magazine. They thenhint that they sent a guy named Grover out to look into the endless croaking ofthe frogs and he has not returned yet.

WellOf Course He Isn’t Back Yet……..Grover Is Hanging Out With The Rest Of HisSesame Street Friends.

Insidethe house that is a mansion, Pickett tries to call his editor, but strangelythe phone is not working right now. While talking about the phone being out, weare then introduced to Clint’s wife, Jenny

Karenthen introduces Pickett to her aunt and Jason’s sister Iris and the rest of thefamily, including Stuart's other son Ken and his black girlfriend, Bella Garrington

Andif you are expecting a Bella Swann joke, you can forget it because I would liketo forget I ever had to watch New Moon. We also learn that Iris has a hugeobsession with catching and collecting butterflies. Meanwhile while the two menare cleaning up, Clint shows Pickett his trophies he collected while being acollege athlete. More time with the frogs is spent and then we see Ken takingpictures of Bella, who is posing for the camera. They are interrupted by theservant Charles, who tells the two of them that Jason wishes them to show upfor the scheduled picnic.

Yes,the patriarch of this family Jason is very testy about scheduling. At thepicnic, Jason is upset that Clint and Jenny’s kids are 12 minutes late. Finallythe kids show up and their names are Jay and Tina.

Hmm……..TheSon’s Name Is Jay, I Might Have To Root For That Kid’s Survival.

Anyway,Jay reveals that he caught a giant bullfrog and when he shows it to the family,they freak out and Michael throws the frog away from the area. Jason tells thekids to sit at the table, but not before agreeing with Jay that it was a hugebullfrog. Jason then talks to Pickett about the strange number of frogs in thearea recently and their croaking not stopping. Pickett tries to say that itmight be just one of those summers where they overpopulate and says that theywill die out in a year. Jason reveals that his family is impatient and he wantsto get rid of the frogs now. Stuart suggests pouring oil into the area and tryto choke them off, but Pickett says that doing that will also hurt the rest ofthe wildlife as well. Jason also adds that it will make his home smell like arefinery so the answer to that suggestion is no. Jason then tells Pickett to dohim a favor and look around so he can get an honest report of the area so theycan find a way to deal with the noise. He also asks him to see if he can findGrover as he should have been back by now.

Pickettstarts looking over the area and he comes across two dead frogs which weresupposedly killed by a poison spray.

JustIn Case The Opening Segment Didn’t Tell You Enough How Bad These Polluters Are

Wealso see a dead lizard, a dead snake, a dead bird and hell, even a deadcentipede. However, Pickett also ends up finding an abandoned jeep that issupposedly Grover’s.

AndWe Find Grover Dead As Well

Bythe way to the actor who played Grover, playing dead isn’t as easy as you makeit out to be because playing dead doesn’t mean you can still breathe and….

AndYou Don’t Open Your Eyes……….

Thatnight, Bella has a drink with the maid of the house, Maybelle.

We May Need All The Alcohol We Can Drink To Get Through This Movie

Back at the dinner scene, we learn that Bellacan design dresses, the frogs are still annoying, and the Crocketts are havingissues paying more taxes. Privately, Pickett lets Jason know that he foundGrover dead. Jason is glad Pickett told him first and explains to him how it isimportant at this time to not tell the others. Jason explains that this weekwith his family is the one permanent thing he has left. He mentions how it isthe 4^th of July and the Crocketts have 4 birthdays in July so sincemost of them live elsewhere, they celebrate all of their birthdays by spendingone week together. He says it is tradition and that he plans to celebrate thissame thing for years, at this very same house. When they talk about what to doabout the body, they notice the frogs (and toads) trying to get into the house.

LetUs In…………..We Want To Celebrate Too….

Theythen hear screams and they find a snake hanging on the chandelier.

Jasoncomes in with a revolver and he shoots the snake dead.

Jasonthen has Charles throw it outside. Jason then has everyone sit at the table andeat. Later, Pickett tells Jason that something strange is going on with theanimals. Jason tells Pickett that he isn’t too bothered by what is going on andhe can get the state to spray the area with pesticide. When our photographer isagainst this idea because it will kill a lot of other animals to, Jason showshis uncaring side by saying that he believes man is master of the world. WhenPickett asks if that means man can’t live in harmony with nature, Jasonresponds by asking if he actually thinks that racket out there is harmonious.Pickett then throws out the idea that nature might be trying to get back athumans for all the woes we have caused, which Jason says is nonsense. Pickettfinally asks how do you explain what is going on, Jason responds that they justsit and wait.

Inthe bedroom, Jenny is complaining about her issues with the family and thinkingthat the family doesn’t like her. Jenny also complains about her husbanddrinking in that speedboat all day and all night. Clint tries to calm her downthat it is only a couple of weeks a year. Clint also says that Jason doesn’thave that long to live and that means a million dollars more to him so if theyplay their cards right, they might inherit a lot of profit. At the smallman-made pond, Karen and Pickett talk about what is going on.

Thenext day, the kids decide to be jerks and set up some firecrackers which scarethe animals. Iris decides to start chasing butterflies with her net. We alsosee a setting up of a relationship between Pickett and Karen. Clint decides toplay pillow fight on a log with Michael, much to Michael’s reluctance, and ofcourse Clint beats him. Pickett shows up and asks if he can do a little morereconnaissance of the island, maybe check the phone lines. However, Jason hasMichael check out the phone lines instead. Michael takes a rifle with him and atoolbox. While driving around, Michael then notices a bird and decides to shootit down with his rifle.

Michaeldecides to run towards what he shot and trips over a branch, shooting his ownleg in the process.

NowI’m no doctor and all, but that looks to me to be not bad enough that you can’tlimp it off and get back to the house. But of course in this world, that meansyou can’t freaking move at all. The situation is further compounded by spiders thatdrop moss on Michael, and it makes it even harder for Michael to move. Eventuallyone of the spiders drops onto Michael, and bites him……..which results inimmediate death. Afterwards, the spiders shoot out web to cover up his body.

Now,as you can imagine…………once again, I don’t have super intelligence on theseissues, but I do know a few things. One…..that gunshot wound to the lower legdoes not paralyze a person so he can crawl or maybe limp his way back to thevehicle. Two…..you can’t be grounded by moss no matter how thick it is.Three…..I believe those spiders are tarantulas and a bite from a tarantula can’t killyou. The best those bites can do his cause you to have spasms for several days.

*Listens in*

Wait, I am being told those are American Funnel Web spiders and those spiders can kill you within 15 minutes so nevermind.

Four…….no spider can make webs that quickly. So yeah, you can imagine me sayingthis death scene is stupid as hell. Oh and this is the first on screen deathscene………………45 minutes into a 91 minute movie. You could imagine most people whoaren’t as patient or have no reason to continue with this film would have quitwatching this film before even the first death occurred. But let’s moveon……….shall we?

Backat the mansion, Iris is talking to Ken about the plans and asks him to go intothe greenhouse to get some orchids. Her conversation is cut short when she seesa butterfly that is not part of her collection so she grabs her net and chasesafter it. Meanwhile, Clint wants to have another match with Ken, but Kenrefuses………despite persistence from Stuart. Back in the woods, we see Iris withher net trying to find the butterfly she saw. Ken enters the greenhouse and wesee all types of lizards enter like anoles, geckos, and even monitor lizards.

IncludingOne Monitor Lizard That Can Close Doors

Jasonwants to start the party games, but Michael, Iris, and Ken are all missing. Hesends Stuart to search for Iris and Karen to go back inside the house to see ifKen has come back. If he has, he tells Karen to tell Ken to get his ass outhere. Back at the greenhouse, the lizards start knocking over some canisters,including those with poison in them.

Kenthen decides to go check for what the gas is and of course starts coughing.Instead of I don’t know………holding his breath or covering his mouth and nosewith his shirt and head for the exit. Ken just stays in the greenhouse and endsup suffocating on the poison gas.

OhAnd By The Way, All Those Lizards Should Start Suffocating As Well Since PoisonGas Can Kill Them Too

Yep,nature is in fact striking back……….but only because the Crocketts are thebiggest bunch of idiots known to man. Pickett goes to check the greenhouse andfinds Ken dead with lizards on him. Here is the problem, the door was neveropened until Pickett opened it and when Ken was dying, the home greenhouse wascovered in poison so naturally, there still should be gas coming out of theplace. But no, when Pickett opens the door…………the place is clear.

PlusThe Only Thing That Died Of The Poisonous Gas Was Ken As All Of The Lizards AreStill Alive
Pickett tells everyone that Ken is dead, when everyone hears of the news………theydecide to go inside and not have the party games.

Wealso get some symbolism with the frogs (and toads) hoping all over the partytable.

Theidiocy continues as Iris starts almost chokes herself with a small piece ofmoss that she walked right into.

I Really Wish I Was Making This Shit Up

Butshe takes the moss off and continues going until she meets some snakes. Ishould add that this woman is so stupid that instead of going back where shecame, she goes another way and gets herself deeper in the woods……….to the pointthat she is basically surrounded by snakes. She also drops her net which isright next to a rattlesnake. This scene takes a while as she goes throughbushes, falls in water, and gets some leeches on her. She finally gets back towhere her net is and where the rattlesnake is. Now the normal thing to do issay screw the net and just try to escape. But because we have idiots here, shegoes to try and pick up the net. Surprise, surprise………….she gets bit by therattlesnake and falls dead.

Nowthe problem with falling over dead within seconds is no rattlesnake’s venom cankill you within seconds. At the least, it takes a few minutes to die from abite. I hate to keep deconstructing how stupid these deaths are, but with afilm so boring as this…….you are forced to find faults to keep yourselfentertained.

Oh and by the way, this was their second choice of how to kill Iris. Originally they wanted to kill Iris by having her drown in quicksand as she was trying to catch butterflies, but when it was shot......that scene was deemed too silly so they chose this. You can kind of see parts of the scene of her drowning in quicksand in the trailer. It is also shown in the poster I showed you.

Stuartthen is neck as he stumbles into a swamp and gets attacked by an alligator. Hedies, but that is not the problem with this scene as if you look very closely,you can see some black tape near the alligators mouth.

That’sRight Folks, He Is Being Killed By An Alligator Who Can’t Open His Jaws ToActually Kill Him.

Thereis a reason most movies use fake alligators for the attack scenes, even thereally low budget ones that make the fake alligators look like jokes. It’sbecause its more believable to be killed by a fake alligator than by a realalligator that can’t open its freaking jaws……..the instrument it uses to killyou.

Backat the mansion, several people want to leave because of Ken’s death; howeverJason is steadfast in keeping the party going. Jason then tells people thatjust because of one death, the party is not going to stop. Pickett comes in andcorrects Jason about it being two deaths as he reveals that Grover was alsokilled because and I quote Pickett here “he was hit by a snake”. Now I knowsomeone is going to say “don’t you mean ‘bit’?” Well, I have gone back so manytimes and he definitely said “he was hit by a snake”. So apparently accordingto Mr. Smith, snakes can commit hit and runs.

IGuess That Is How Snakes Roll

Anyway,the rest of the family wonders why they didn’t know about this and Jasonresponds that he didn’t feel it necessary for the family to know. Jason forbidsanyone to leave the island and of course Bella, Maybelle, and Charles disagree.Jason tells Clint to escort them off the island since they want to leave. Clintdoes so and notices that no one is even at the docks and that meat is cookingon the grill with no one around. Clint then tries to get back to the boat, butnotices that the line holding the boat has been cut and the boat is now in themiddle of the lake.

Backat the house, Jason wants something to eat and when Karen asks what he wants,he states that he wants what was scheduled on the menu. Yes……..senile old manin a wheelchair is still stubborn about his damn party. Maybe I am not oldenough to understand, but I think in a situation that you are not prepared for………..youhave to be flexible. Jenny takes some binoculars and decides to see what istaking Clint so long to get back.

Clinttries to use another boat to get back, but it won’t start as it needs the keysto start the ignition. Clint then decides to swim for the boat, and here iswhere we have one of the most logical deaths where there may be somestupidity……..but not as much as the others. No other boat is nearby and tryingto paddle your way with the big boat will also leave you open for attack aswell. Now here is where the stupid happens, he gets bit once but reaches theboat. However, he decides to not immediately jump into the boat and stays inthe water for a few more seconds which causes him to get bit a second time andat that point, he is dead by poison or drowning.

ShouldHave Immediately Gotten On The Boat, Dumbass

Nowhow I would have done this scene is he gets bitten once, then gets to the boat,gets on, and is immediately bitten by a snake that just so happened to be onthe boat. Clint tries to boat back to the island, but the venom kills himbefore he can get there. He may still die, but his character will be made to bea character we can get behind and be sad that he died.

Ofcourse the stupidity trumps that death as Jenny decides to go into the waterafter him. However, she doesn’t get very far before her feet are stuck in themud near the shore. Then a snapping turtle shows up and you can presume itkills her.

Now,I am no scientist here………..but the only way a snapping turtle can actually killsomeone is if they keep chomping on the legs until the victim falls over andthen it has two options: it goes for the jugular or drags her head into thewater and drown her. Yeah, this movie is getting to me when I am trying to makesense of how these animals kill their victims. But the bigger point is this. Wehave seen snakes, lizards, spiders, and hell……..ever freaking turtles killpeople, but we have not seen one frog (or toad) kill someone. And this movie iscalled Frogs. And if you look at the cover, it has a frog with a human arm inits mouth. Really false advertising here, guys. I haven’t seen this much falseadvertising in a poster since………..

Yeah………..ThatFilm

Althoughin this movie’s defense…….there are actual frogs in it while in Chopping Mall,there is no mechanical claw like that in it. So I guess Frogs gets a smallvictory.

Backat the house, Pickett gets some gasoline so he can ward off the frogs on theporch. However when Pickett gets on the porch, the frogs are all gone. The kidsare inside now and are wondering where their parents are. Karen tries to calmthe kids down by saying that their dad hasn’t come back from the lake and theirmother just went outside. Pickett tells Karen that he did not see Jenny outthere, which causes Tina to run looking for her. The two adults chase after thelittle girl and then they see the boat. Pickett says that the abandoned boatsettles it and they are leaving. After that, we get some horrible line readingfrom the little girl who looks like the actress would rather be anywhere elsebut shooting this movie.

Tina: Where Are They,Karen? Why Isn’t Daddy In The Boat?

Pickettcomes inside and tells Jason that they are all leaving, but Jason will havenone of it as he says “The Crocketts Are Staying”. They try to reason with theold man, but he will have none of it. He then tells Karen that if they want toleave…then leave, but he will be staying. The kids and Karen get prepared toleave as Pickett asks Jason if he will be alright. Jason snidely asks ifPickett is actually concerned about him and tells Pickett that he will be fine.Pickett asks if he can take a shotgun and Jason says he can take any he likes,but don’t bring it back.

Theyall start leaving and Karen tries one more time to get Jason to come with them,but the old man won’t even look at them anymore. Karen then tells the kids torace to the canoe, but watch out for the frogs. Here I would like to ask onesimple question: Why? Why should we watch out for the frogs when they have doneabsolutely nothing to warrant any fear? In fact, a better statement would befor them to watch out for anything moving except the frogs.

Whenthe escape party gets to the shore, they find Jenny’s body with crabs pickingat the remains.

Yes,Even Crabs Get On The Fun Of Doing More Than The Frogs.

Theymourn over her loss for a minute before they get on the canoe and paddle off.They get a few yards before the boat hits a snag. Pickett decides to take hisshirt off and go in the water to get them out.

DidI Mention That The Two Moments Of Sam Elliot Shirtless In This Film Was TheReason He Got The Lead Role In Lifeguard?

Wehave a close call where a snake tries to kill Pickett, but Pickett throws itaway before it can even bite him. He gets the boat off of the snag, gets backon the boat before anything can attack him, and they continue on their waytowards the mainland. They get to the docks and they also notice the place hasbeen abandoned. They also see that the messed up luggage of Bella, Maybelle,and Charles, which signifies that they met a cruel end. So yes, along with thestupid deaths, we also have plenty of deaths that are implied to have happenedoff-screen.

Theyget on what seems like an abandoned road and as luck would have it, a caractually stops by to pick them up.

Thedriver of the car also has a kid and they talk about how they haven’t seenanyone in miles and have saw and brought with them……….

AFROG (Actually A Toad)!!!! *Cue Dramatic Music*

Nownormally a movie would end after that little note, but this movie is different.It decides to tell us what happened to Jason. He quiets down his dog and thephone rings, when he answers it…..he gets no answer. He even explains thatthere can’t be any phone issues as the damn thing rang. So I am to assume herethat the frogs just called him and hung up.

TrembleAs The Frogs Make Prank Phone Calls!!!

Thefrogs break into the house and start jumping on our wheelchair boundcurmudgeon. With the site of the frogs and thinking that all the trophies ofdead animals he has, are looking at him……….Jason suffers a heart attack anddies.

WhatHappens To The Dog……………….We Will Never Know

Andmercifully our movie ends.

Nowthere is not much knowledge on how this movie did in the box office, but as faras critics go………..this movie received almost universally negative reviews. NowRay Milland would still have 13 more years of acting left in his life beforedying in 1986, but he didn’t have really any film of note and as he got older,the roles he got were smaller and smaller. Joan Van Ark (who played Karen)would go on to basically be a mainstay in TV with big roles in the TV seriesKnot’s Landing and in the soap opera The Young and the Restless. Adam Roarke(who played Clint) would do a lot of films as a biker before his death in 1996.Judy Pace (who played Bella) did a lot of Blaxploitation films and was one ofthe leading ladies in that genre.

Butthe main aftermath would be done by one Sam Elliott. As you may be aware, I amsure Sam has no regrets about doing this film as this film landed him a leadrole in a film called Lifeguard and has become one of Hollywood’s morerecognizable actors with his voice (although his signature mustache would comemuch later). In 1984, he married Katherine Ross and they are still married aswell as have a daughter.

KatherineRoss Was Very Attractive Back In Her Day

Sowe have a rarity in the films I induct in that a film just did nothing to harmthe actor’s career, but may have instead been a very good stepping stone to ahuge career in Hollywood. Even for a guy like myself who ridicules movies forthis site, it is very heartwarming for me to see that even bad movies can helpan actor’s career.

This film also had a bunch of issues. Many of the frogs and toads that were filmed in this movie actually escaped during production. Also add that with the fact that the Holiday Inn they were using refused to take in the poisonous snakes, spiders, and black scorpions they had (because what hotel would allow you to have a dangerous animal). I wonder how that conversation went.

Film Crew: Hey Holiday Inn, can you allow us to keep our pets that we are filming in your hotel.

Holiday Inn Employee: We are pet friendly so I'm sure we could help you. What kind of pets do you have?

Film Crew: Poisonous snakes, spiders, and black scorpions.

Holiday Inn Employee: Seriously???

Film Crew: Yeah

Holiday Inn Employee: Then Hell NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NowI guess it is time for my thoughts on the film. Despite very good acting jobsdone by both Ray Milland and Sam Elliott, this movie is very boring. Hell, allthe jokes that I made during the film were to keep myself from falling asleep.Besides the two leads, everyone else in this film……..is just there to be eitherpicked off or to waste space. The deaths are ridiculous as all hell and theerrors are too obvious to not mention.

Butthe biggest crime to this film is the so called villains. For a movie that sayswe are getting killer frogs, we do not get killer frogs. Instead the frogs arejust annoying and are just wasting space. I wasn’t kidding when I said thismovie should be titles Everything But Frogs as at least everything elseactually do something to cause someone’s death and not count on an old man toget a heart attack, and even with that they get help from the man imaginingthat all of his trophies have come back to life and are looking down on him(including a fish that makes…..dolphin noises?). If you want to watch films ofnature getting back at mankind for all of the wrongs we have committed, I wouldrecommend watch The Long Weekend or at the very least Day of the Animals (doneby Grizzly director William Girdler) because those are better films than this.

Nowit’s time for my Randomizer to decide what my next induction is and………well, itseems for the rare moment, the Randomizer has spit out two films. Well, timefor me to use the other function of the Randomizer called the Randomater whichis to randomly select which film is next. I will be inducting both films, butone will be inducted and due to January’s GINO Award, the next will be inFebruary. So let’s see which film won the Randomizer Randomator.

It’sOne Of The Worst Remakes Of All Time To Hit Theaters.

Thursday Night AMP Chats With Brent Albright & Talks Turkey!

2011-11-25T13:40:00.001-08:00

Tonight on Thursday Night AMP, it's time for the annual Golden Turkey Awards! Before that we talk to a special guest - independent wrestling star and former WWE talent Brent Albright, who wants everybody to check out IZW on GoFightLive. After that we nominate the angles and stories that are the biggest turkeys of 2011, then choose a Golden Turducken as the biggest fail of all!

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Ring the Bell for November 22nd, 2011

2011-11-23T18:32:00.001-08:00

Hosts Killa Kev, Seth Drakin, Mike Poulin and KingJ discuss all of the latest pro wrestling news from CHIKARA, WWE, TNA, ROH, and the indies!

Wasn't around for last week's show because I was at work and if you were worrying about it being permanent, don't because they changed my schedule so I am back on call because the contract my work needs to do doesn't require as many people as they had thought. So its back to normal for now.......

http://angrymarks.com/?ArticleID=16073

Monster Crap December Induction Poll

2011-11-18T16:24:00.001-08:00

Well, the induction of Frogs is almost complete and all that is left is to announce what I am inducting next and like usual........that is all up to you. As usual, we have 10 choices of films that I own and you get to decide which film will be the last induction before the 2011 GINO Award happens.

And the nominees are......

The Fog (2005)
Well Known For Being One Of The Worst Remakes Of All Time

Teenage Caveman (2002)
Worst Remake Of A Roger Corman Film.........................EVER!!!!

Bats (1999)
Is It Just Me Or Do These Bats Suck Feces Instead Of Blood

War Of The Worlds (2005)
To Coincide With The Spielberg Borefest, The Asylum Released Its Own Version Of This H.G. Wells Epic, Starring Soul Man

Chupacabra Terror (2005)
This Film Can Go Suck A Goat's Nut

The Last Sentinel (2007)
Even The Fanboys Delight Known As Katee Sackhoff And One Of My Favorite Voices In Actor Keith David Can Not Save Us From The Crap & Boredom That Comes With A Movie Starring Don "The Dragon" Wilson

Wing Commander (1999)
Sometimes Giving An Adaptation To The Guy Who Creates The Source Material Is Not The Right Move

Spider Woman: Death's Web (2005)
A Not Known Thai Horror Film That Should Never Be Known For Many Reasons

Kraken: Tentacles Of The Deep (2006)
Jerry O'Connell's Brother Stars In This Mess That Involves An Evil Entity That Squeezes Anything That Tries To Take Its Prize........And Of Course, A Giant Octopus

Night Shadow (2005)
I Always Feel Like...........A Werewolf's Watching Me And I Got No Privacy

Poll Closes November 26, 2011 at 12 AM

Ring the Bell for November 8th, 2011

2011-11-09T16:20:00.000-08:00

Host Killa Kev brings along Ciara, Nickolye, King J, Mike Poulin and Seth Drakin discuss Election Day, politics, a miserable WWE experience, TNA Impact Spoilers to the Rescue, and discuss the latest news in pro wrestling.

Sadly I do have to mention that I may not be around for next week's show because all of next week, I will be on the Night Shift at my new part-time job.

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Ring the Bell for November 1, 2011 w/ Jivin' Jimmy Capone

2011-11-03T14:01:00.000-07:00

Hosts Killa Kev, Ciara, King J, and Seth Drakin cover TNA Impact Spoilers to the Rescue, Mike Poulin interviews IWE and NWA On Fire star Jivin' Jimmy Capone and recaps Ring of Honor TV.

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Ring the Bell for October 25, 2011

2011-10-26T18:29:00.000-07:00

Hosts Killa Kev, King J, Mike Poulin and Seth Drakin review WWE Vengeance, discuss Monday's WWE Raw, recap Ring of Honor, review TNA Impact Spoilers to the Rescue, and discuss the latest news in pro wrestling.

I have two jobs now so I have to announce in late November, I may not be able to make the show all the time because while I love doing this show, these jobs I am doing do pay so to get to where I always have wanted to be in my life..........sacrifices must be made. I hope that is not the case, but you never know....... Now for this show, it isn't as long as the last one because we were able to actually stay on topic this time.

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Monster Crap Inductee: Dracula 3000 (2004)

2011-10-22T12:56:00.000-07:00

Monster CrapInductee: Dracula 3000

Dracula...............IN SPACE

2004

Kids………youremember when vampires were awesome.

….

Okay,I will admit………..I was never the biggest fan of vampire movies. Hell, one ofthe biggest “what the hell” moments I get is when I mention that I was not abig fan of Fright Night.

IDon’t Mean That Film…………Although I Think That Film Was A Joke.

Yeah,The Original.

Now,I am not saying I hated the film, but it just never got my interest at all. Butthat is neither here nor there; honestly…………I am merely mentioning that vampirefilms were never my cup of tea. But remember when they weren’t relegated tobeing met mostly by anyone with a Y chromosome with complete disgust.

I'm Looking At You, Sparkler

Withall the nonsense that has been out there, it feels like it has been so long agoalthough the first Twilight book was actually written in 2005. And before youeven go with the Anne Rice stuff, I would like to add that even Anne Rice keptseveral parts of the vampire lure in her world instead of do a complete 180 onthe crap like Stephanie Meyer did. Anyway, when not brooding over their owncurse (most vampires did that), they were being very savage for the most partin sucking people’s blood. Now the most synonymous of vampires is a guy by thename of Count Dracula.

Whetherit be the Classic version of Dracula in Bela Legosi, the Hammer films versionof Dracula in Christopher Lee, or my personal favorite….the 90s version of Draculain Gary Oldman, you say vampire and the first person you get is Dracula. So inthe late 90s, Wes Craven would produce and Patrick Lussier would direct aversion of Dracula called Dracula 2000. Now I’ll get to that film on a waylater induction because personally, I never could take that Dracula seriouslywhen the fucker looked he could be the lead singer of either Creed or Bush, butthat isn’t what we are talking about.

Insteadwe are talking about a film that looked to pass itself off as a sequel bycalling itself Dracula 3000, even though there was already an actual direct tovideo sequel called Dracula II: Ascension was released in 2003, one year beforethis travesty. They also decided that let’s do a brilliant idea that severalfilms have already done in putting this vampire in space……because I havealready mentioned in my Jason X induction on how well that works out.

Hell,Space Vampires Isn’t Even That New As Lifeforce Did It In 1985 & That WeWill Eventually Induct As Well One Day

Butnow we need to mention how I found out about this film. It was during myill-fated job working at Blockbuster that while I was stocking the shelves,this film caught my eye and since Blockbuster employees had some perks inrenting movies for free (I think it was one movie a week, but I can’tremember), I decided to rent this movie. So what made me remember this moviefor half a decade? Well, you are about to find out.

Hey,At Least A Production Company Is Completely Honest With Us That This Film IsFiction, Although The Idea Of This Movie Being Nonfiction Makes Me Laugh.

Westart off this film with credits…….long-ass opening credits, but no openingtitle just yet. Oh they are saving that so you can see Udo Kier basically justshow up to get his paycheck.

Actually,he is playing Captain Varda, who is on the Demeter, which has apparently beentaken over by some force. He has set the ship to self-destruct and is holding across with his eyes closed. However, when the countdown reaches one, theself-destruct mechanism has been overridden. He screams as we get our openingtitle card.

Dracula3000: Infinite Darkness? But My DVD Cover Just Has Dracula 3000. Oh Well……….I’mStill Calling it Dracula 3000 As There Is No Other Film With That Title.

Andyes, for those snobs out there………..I know that this spaceship being called theDemeter is actually a nod to the Russian ship that transported Dracula toLondon in Bram Stoker’s novel. You’re going to get of nods to the actualDracula story that are more hammer you in the head subtle than actuallysubtlety. This is actually one of the few times where actual subtlety is met.

Wealso get introduced to our crew first starting with our narrator CaptainAbraham Van Helsing.

Okay,That Isn’t Even Anywhere Close To Subtle.

Oh,but that isn’t the biggest problem I see here. Look down below at the years heserved in Special Forces and then look at when he was honorably discharged.Basically after he was honorably discharged, he served five more years in theSpecial Forces. I’m pretty sure that once you get discharged (honorably ordishonorably), you are done. I don’t think you get five more years.

Alsothat is Casper Van Dien, who this may actually be the first time I am doing afilm that this guy has been in. I find that actually surprising because thisguy has been in a load of stuff that I would consider Monster Crap and I am nowgetting into this guy. Basically, his biggest career move was in StarshipTroopers, which was meant to be extremely cheesy, a science fiction satire anda complete jab at those good old war-time propaganda films. It was enjoyable inmy mind although it is a very polarizing film. That was in 1997…….he fellpretty hard in terms of getting roles from then.

Hetalks about how his ship Mother-3 got a tip that a long lost ship the Demeterhas been found in the Carpathian system (like the Carpathian mountains, whereDracula’s Castle is supposed to be on) and Abe & his crew is trying to getto the ship first before the Confederation lays claim to it, the ship istheirs.

OhAnd Enjoy Loads Of Computer Screen Effects Because That Is How They DoBasically Everything Outside Of The Studio They Shot This Film.

Nextup we have Arthur Holmwood aka The Professor.

Yes,Another Bashing You In The Head Reference To The Dracula Book, But A RatherCrafty One As In Most Adaptations, Arthur Holmwood Is Left Out Of Them So MostPeople Wouldn’t Equate The Two…………But I Can.

Throughnarration, Abe says they would be in a better position if he actually knew halfthe things as he thinks he does. So yes, he is an egotistical geek or go aheadOgre……….

NERD!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry,I don’t think I will ever get over making that joke. It’s just so easy. Anyway,next up we have……..

ReallyMovie…………….MINA, As In MINA HARKER.

NowI know you are going to say “hey……..her name is Mina Murry, not Harker”. Well,here is the thing; Harker is the name she took from her husband JonathanHarker. Her maiden name is Mina Murry. So yeah, this movie is basically rippingoff characters and whole places from the Brom Stoker novel, but put it inSPACE!!!!

Sheis the navigator and as Abe mentions, she is not that good at her job.Next………..

FinallyA Name That Is Not From The Book.

Ilooked and there is no Reginald Parker in the Dracula book. The closest I gotis there is a Reggie Nalder and Kay Parker who are cast in the 1980 Draculaporn spoof, Dracula Sucks. But if I am putting more thought into this than theactual filmmakers and lord knows I don’t want Porno Pete showing up.

Heis of course played by Tiny Lister, who while I will always remember as Deebofrom the Friday series…..wrestling fans will remember him fighting Hulk Hoganas Zeus in No Holds Barred

DespiteThe Fact That No Holds Barred Flopped, Zeus Was Made An Actual Wrestler In TheWWF And It Was Worse. Hulk Hogan Also Gave Him A Call To Be In WCW As Z-GangstaWhen Hogan Was The Hot Name In WCW.

Hisnickname is Humvee and basically we will be calling him that through the restof this film. As Abe explains, he is basically all brawn and no brains. Theonly real good thing he contributes is he is hugely necessary in salvage jobs.Next up is……….

HolyCrap………We Have Gone Two Characters Without Any Dracula Reference.

Thereis definitely no Fransisco Brett in the Dracula book. I can’t even give you a“giving more thought than the filmmakers did” line. So yay……………original name.

Butthen that ends when you realize that it is fucking Coolio. Coolio was a rapperwho in the early 90s was very successful. The man actually got Grammies for hisgreat song, Gangsta’s Paradise…………which a parody by Weird Al Yankovic calledAmish Paradise caused a huge spat based on a misunderstanding between the two.His career in movies on the other hand, is a complete joke as he has two modes:Boring & Uncaring to Over-Acting & Mugging For The Camera. In thisfilm, he does the latter.

AsAbe says in his narration, 187 is basically a pothead who is only looking fordrugs and money to buy drugs. Finally, we have…….

So That’sThree Names Ripped Off The Book And Three New Original Names.

Ohand she is played by Erika Eleniak. Who is she, you might ask? Well, she is aformer playmate in 1989. Her main role was in 1989 where she was one of theoriginal lifeguards Shauni McClain, in the hit TV Series…..Baywatch.

Afterhaving a major film role in the Steven Seagal hit Under Seige, she leftBaywatch to try and capitalize on that success. Needless to say, it didn’t workout.

Anyway,this is her first mission despite being second in command (don’t ask how thatworks) and she is very abrasive.

Weare now in the ship and we see Mina looking around to find any crew. She thinksshe hears footsteps despite the ship being basically empty and she runs. Sheruns into Humvee who gives her a scare and somehow, got on the ship before shedid…….despite her being clearly the first one on the ship. Basically this wholescene was a fake-out and a complete waste of our time.

OhAnd We Keep Getting Interrupted By Random Video Log Of Captain Varda ExplainingWhat Is Happening On The Ship At That Time. It’s Really Annoying And The OnlyReason It Is There Is To Explain Away Some Questions With Even Worse Answers.

Anyway,we learn that other than being a complete moron with muscle, Humvee is also abully who is very confident about his penis size as in his response to Abe’squestion of if he is sure the oxygen level is 87%.

Humvee: Yeah I’msure……..as sure as my package is bigger than yours. You wanna come out here andfind out for yourself!!!

Theytake off the oxygen masks and Humvee fakes having breathing problems so he canforcibly kiss Mina. Humvee………..he also sexually harasses women.

Bigproblem here…..Humvee’s fake choking should actually be legit choking because 87% oxygenis not breathable air. An actual scientist would tell you that breathable airis 78% nitrogen and 21% oxygen, meaning that the people in this film should diequickly from too much oxygen.

Thecaptain tells Humvee to cut it out and Humvee speaks quietly that he is nevergoing to get any action. Despite how hilariously ugly Tiny Lister is, I amnever going to buy that his character hasn’t gotten laid even once………which iswhat we are supposed to believe in this film. Most of the crew meets in thehallway and Abe scolds Humvee again before realizing that 187 is missing.

CaptainVarda shows up again to reveal the problems that the ship has. Like that it isadrift in the Carpathian Galaxy and that their communicators only work halfwayin that they can receive messages, but they can’t send messages.

Wethen go to 187, who is smoking a bong.

Seems187 Is Experiencing His Own “Fantastic Voyage”

Abecalls him and tells him to get his ass onto the ship. 187 tries to ignore him,but is yelled at and he reluctantly comes down.

Themain group heads towards the control room and we get the tired old gag that thestairs in the room are not handicap accessible, which causes problems forArthur.

BecauseHe Is In A Wheelchair………

Humveeis forced to carry his ass down.

ByThe Honor Vested In Me, I Now Pronounce You Cripple & Meathead

Whenthey get to the control pad, 187 comes in and tells the crew that he hassomething they need to see. Abe, Humvee, and Aurora decide to follow 187 so hecan show them what he has found.

CaptainVarda shows up once again to explain some crap we already know like the shiphas gone to hell in a hand basket. Back in the control room, Mina gets a funnyfeeling and she tries to tell Arthur not to turn on the Demeter. He of coursedoesn’t listen to her because his brains are above funny feelings.

187then shows the crew that he has found a body basically drained of blood holdinga crucifix.

187is about to touch the body, but Aurora yells at him not to because this is acrime scene and nothing should be touched. Seeing the crucifix, 187 thinks thatit is a metal plus sign and also thinks the dead guy was into mathematics. Abethen reveals that it is a crucifix and Humvee explains that they banned those200 years ago. Arthur is able to get power on the ship.

Weget another message from Varda that while he has no control of navigation,something is moving them towards Earth. They head back to the control centerwhere Abe reveals that this ship may be worth 15 million credits. This makeseveryone excited except for Aurora, who wants them to leave the ship and thengive it to the proper authorities. This causes 187 and Humvee to laugh andHumvee to say that Aurora must be out of her mind. Aurora responds by…….

FlippingHim Off Using Her Pinky????

Seriously,you couldn’t get another take of this woman using her middle finger……..we arejust stuck with her using her pinky. Mina then goes to panic mode about what ifthey don’t make it back to Earth. I think I know how to handle this situation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYiv76qRCkA

Humveeand 187 are sent to do some recon to see if they can find anything else on thisship. While speaking, we learn more about 187’s smoking habit and the fact thatnow weed is legal and regulated. Back at the control bay, the Demeter decidesto eject Mother-3 from the landing bay which means the crew is now stuck on theDemeter with no way of escaping. Abe tells Arthur to figure out their situationwhile he go looks for the video log to see if they can explain what is goingon. When 187 and Humvee get to the cargo area, they find a bunch of coffinsbeing used as cargo.

NothingOdd Here….

187then decides that there might be some valuable stuff that is hidden in thesecoffins. He tries to open up one with a crowbar, but cuts himself while openingit. They find only sand in the casket and 187 tries to open another one.However, with his hand cut, he asks Humvee to assist him. Humvee does so bykicking open the next casket.

Moresand is in that coffin as well and Humvee leaves. Mina comes into to be more ofa bitch as she orders them to meet the professor. 187 decides to stay as hewants to open a few more because something has got to be in those caskets.However, while speaking……..blood falls into the sand of a casket.

Abefinds the captain’s quarters and looks at the tapes. We then see Varda explainthat they went to the planet Transylvania, which is a planet run byvampires…………….are you fucking serious??? We have a planet of vampires calledTransylvania. There are small nods to the story and then there are bash youover the skull references. This is one of those references that I don’t evenneed to explain to you because if you don’t get it………..I really do feel sorryfor you. But if you do, you will feel like I do and that this film just rapedyou up the ass with that reference. Basically, the crew of the Demeter has beenpaid well to transport these coffins somewhere else because the planetTransylvania is dying.

Suddenly,Abe hears a scream so the captain, Humvee, & Aurora find 187 in shock afterapparently being attacked. He also apparently has a broken leg.

WatchAs This Broken Leg With The Bone Coming Out Become A Huge None Factor In TheFuture

Theytake 187 out of the room and almost all of them have left except for Aurora,who stops because she hears something. This only pauses her for a second as sheheads out to join the rest of the crew. The crew sets 187 up on a pool tablethat is somehow conveniently there (even though we never saw it before). Arthurthen decides that the bone must be snapped back into place and since Humvee isthe strongest, he asks him to do it. However, Humvee does not feel comfortablein dealing with broken bones so he says he isn’t doing it. After a smalldebate, Aurora comes in and sets the leg back into place.

Ina hallway, Abe and Aurora have a conversation about what is going on. We alsoget the feeling that these two are more than just business partners, if youknow what I mean. Mina interferes and tells Abe that he is needed in the RecRoom. When Abe leaves, Mina goes to be a bigger bitch and basically accuse herof hiding information. Aurora says she isn’t hiding anything and that’s the endof that whole crap.

Abegoes to the Rec Room and meets with Arthur, who tells our captain that thereare bite marks on 187’s neck.

Whiletalking about who could have bitten him (which involves false information likethe bite marks are incisors, which they can’t because incisors are your twofront teeth and unless this vampire is Michael Strahan or WWE’s TheBoogeyman…..the length between teeth is impossible to be incisors. More thanlikely the teeth are canine teeth), 187 wakes up as a vampire.

Rememberwhen I mentioned Coolio decided to really over-act this role? Well, the momenthe turns into a vampire is when it is really noticeable.

IncludingA Moment Where He Acts Like A Child

187attacks both Abe and Arthur before Aurora shows up threatening him with a gun.187 has this line of dialogue.

187: Did I ever tellyou how many times I’d see you and want to ejaculate all over your bazonkas….All the times I stayed up, high as a kite, in a non-gravitational atmosphere,while I stroke my anaconda and dreamed about your snow-white ass.

Aurorathreatens to blow his “anaconda” to kingdom come if he takes another step and187 has this mocking face to make.

Oh,Coolio Over-Acting Is Rich Here

187then does every step with a phrase like this.

187: One….Betcha thatpussy’s sweeter than a honey bun.

Two….whenI’m through, I’m gonna pass you to the crew.
Three…..mightas well get down on your knees.

Aurorathen responds to his humor.

Aurora: Four…….you’regonna end up dead on the floor

Abetells Aurora to just shoot him, but our mugging vampire has one more thing to say.

187: Five…………ain’tnone of y’all bitches getting out here alive!!!!

Iwish he said this.

187: 1, 2, 3,4………..get your woman on the floor. Gotta, gotta get up to get down……..gotta,gotta get up to get down

Aurorathen starts shooting and what a shock, the bullets do nothing to him. Auroraruns away with 187 in hot pursuit. The alarm sounds and that alerts Humveeabout something going on. When Humvee comes to the Rec Room, they explain that187 is now up and is attacking the crew. They also explain that he’s afterAurora, but Arthur says that he wants to tittie fuck her first. Abe and Humveethen decide to chase after the 187 in hopes of helping Aurora.

When187 gets to the cargo hold, he meets our lead vampire…….Count Orlock

Wait………..Orlock??You Mean Our Vampire Is Called Orlock, Not Dracula? What The Fuck!! This MovieIs Called Dracula 3000. The Least You Could Do Is Have Freaking Count DraculaIn This Film.

Yes,I Know Orlock Was Another Name For Count Dracula When They Couldn’t Use TheName Count Dracula. But The Title Of Your Movie Is Called Dracula 3000, So AtThe Very Least…….You Could Call The Vampire Count Dracula.

When187 sees our count……..he starts acting like Renfield. You know what, I think Iknow how they got Coolio to do this film.

Movie Producer: Okay Mr. Coolio,we have a good role for you in a vampire movie.

Coolio: Okay………shoot.
Movie Producer: It’s called Dracula3000. It’s Dracula in space, although we don’t call him Dracula…….we call himOrlock.
Coolio: Man, that soundskinda stupid. But I am willing to listen so what role do you have.
Movie Producer: What we have isa character called 187 who likes to smoke a lot of weed.
Coolio: And……..
Movie Producer: And he is thefirst victim of the vampire attack.
*Coolioprepares to leave.*
Movie Producer: But he comesback as a vampire….
*Cooliostays.*
Coolio: Do I get tooveract and be like that guy who follows Dracula around?
Movie Producer: You mean,Renfield?
Coolio: Yeah, that cat.
Movie Producer: Well, we werelooking for a Renfield, but you playing him as well will let us have one lessactor to hire so……….I’d say we can do that.
Coolio: Ahyeah…….boy……..sign me up for that shit right now.

Andthere you have what I believe is how they got Coolio. Back to the movie, Orlocktells 187 to kill everyone on the ship and the humble servant goes to doexactly that. But not before overacting his way off camera.

EvenCount Orlock Is Amused By This Overacting.

Whilesearching for either of the two, Humvee still can’t believe that 187 has gonemad and tries to explain how 187 has a heart of gold, but Abe tells Humvee toshut up. We then see Aurora hiding and she runs into Orlock. Orlock tellsAurora that she is the most beautiful creature he has ever seen and introduceshimself. He then attempts to bite her and then we cut to the next scene.

Minais watching Arthur and being the dumb bitch that she is, goes into the hallwayand turns her back……..only to get grabbed by 187.

IHope You Die Slowly For Being Such A Horribly Written Character

Arthuris devastated in losing her and screams behind the door for the vampire to leaveher alone. When Abe and Humvee show up, he reveals that 187 got Mina. They thentell Arthur to stay where he is and they close the door on him. As the two mensearch the hallway, they bump into Aurora….who explains that while she didn’trun into 187, she did run into “him”. Of course while we know who she istalking about, but our characters don’t. They go back to Arthur, although hestarts shooting first out of anxiety. Aurora then gets everyone up to speed onwhat is going on.

Youknow, I think out of all the characters, the only one who is an okay characteris Captain Abe as he is a leader and acts normally. So as soon as I say that,he then has Aurora tied up on suspicion for being a vampire. Yeah, thiscomplete change in his character is not set up well and it just makes you getconfused. Abe then looks for bite marks on Aurora’s neck and even though hedidn’t find any, he is still suspicious of her and has Humvee guard her whilethey go start up the ship.

Meanwhile,Aurora tries to get Humvee to believe she is not a vampire, but Humvee isn’tbuying it. In the control deck, Arthur reveals that they can reroute the shipto the next nearby planet, but the name of the place I can’t hear because he istoo low and spoke fast with his response.

Backin the Rec Room, Aurora says that she needs to go to the bathroom; Humvee firstdoesn’t believe her and then tells her to just go right there.

TheLazy Eye Plus The Face He Makes When He Says That, Just Makes Me Laugh EveryTime.

Backin the control room, Arthur while looking up vampires reveals that Count Orlockis also known as Count Dracula. You should have called him that instead ofOrlock and not try to play your audience for fools. They also find the VanHelsing name and Arthur comes to believe that Orlock only wants Abe. Oh and Abedidn’t know anything about the whole Van Helsing crap. Look, I don’t care howfar in the future we are, his name is the same name as the legendary vampirekiller; first and last. Dracula is not going to be a book that is going to beforgotten by generations anytime soon. Having that as your name and knowingkids in school, this piece of shit would know that of the significance of hislast name. And the whole not knowing about Dracula in his time…………..reallymakes me question the education of our distant future.

Anyway,Abe tells Arthur to find him a way to kill this SOB………because in the future,they know about vampires, but they don’t know about Count Dracula…..oh sorry,Count Orlock. I miss the wacky antics of Coolio or the faces of Tiny Lister.

Thankfullythe next scene we go back to Humvee and Aurora where they appear to be having astaring contest.

OhAurora, You Really Don’t Want To Be Having A Staring Contest With A Guy With ALazy Eye, He Has A Huge Advantage Of Having Only One Good Eye Over Your Two SoLess Stress Will Come To His Eyes.

Aknock is heard at the door and it is 187, asking for Humvee to let him in. Heuses the old friend card and Humvee, not being the smartest knife in thedrawer, lets him in. 187 throws Humvee into the wall and goes after Aurora. Aurorayells for Abe and he comes. 187 chides Humvee by saying he can’t believe hefell for the friend card crap. 187 tries to bite Humvee’s neck, but Abedistracts him so the big man can throw our vampire off of him. Abe tries toshoot 187, but our vampiric servant says that they can’t kill him. But whilegoing on about his speech, Humvee basically uses a pool cue and jams it through187’s heart.

AhMan……..Now Half Of The Entertainment In This Film Is Dead

Afterthey deal with 187, Aurora asks to be let go since it is obvious that she isnot a vampire. Basically, she tries to calmly get their attention and thenyells about being untied. You know what, while I do not hate this scene, I justwish it was performed like Garry from John Carpenter’s The Thing.

IKnow You Gentlemen Have Been Through A Lot, But When You Find The Time, I’dRather Not Spend The Rest Of This Winter TIED TO THIS FUCKING COUCH!

That’smore like it. They still wonder why when this Orlock had his chance, why did henot bite her. She reveals that she is a cyborg who works for the NWC (Theynever explain what that is) as surveillance. Basically she is a spy bot. Abelaughs and tells Humvee to untie her. When Humvee questions his decision, Abesays that since she is a cyborg, she has no human blood so Orlock wants nothingto do with her.

Theygo to check on Arthur, but they only see his wheelchair. They get concerned,but are relieved to find that he was under the desk trying to fix things. Theytell Arthur that they killed 187 with a pool cue through the heart. Arthur thenreveals that is since it was wooden, they drove a stake through the heart whichis one of the ways to kill vampires. He then reveals that it has to be organicwood, not the synthetic wood product they are passing off as real these days.Will we ever see synthetic wood? Of course not, stop asking too much of thisdamn movie.

Healso reveals that crucifixes can drive vampires away, but what they really hateis sunlight. Abe then says that sunlight might be out of the question sincethey are in deep space. Aurora then reveals that there are twin suns in thearea so they can use that to kill the vampire. They then decide to look formore pool cues, but you can see that Abe is not happy with Aurora being acyborg. Aurora finds one and Abe breaks it into two so they can have twostakes. The two then head to the cargo bay, where they hope to kill Orlock.They try opening a few caskets, but only find sand.

Meanwhileback in the control room, we see that Arthur has become very paranoid about hislife since if trouble occurred, he couldn’t run (you know, with being unable towalk and all). Back in the cargo bay, Abe and Aurora open another casket andfind….

Mina

Yes,Mina is obviously now a vampire so of course they are forced to stake her inthe heart.

Thisdeath of course pisses off Orlock, who rises from his coffin. Abe tells Aurorato get Humvee and leave him to deal with the Count. Abe grabs a pool cue andconfronts Orlock, revealing himself as a Van Helsing. Aurora bangs on the doorand tries to get Humvee, but believing she might have changed…..Humvee doesn’tbelieve her when she says Van Helsing is in trouble….even though Arthur thinksshe might be telling the truth.

WithHumvee not listening, Aurora goes to the Captain’s room to grab a crucifix.Because Arthur keeps repeating his opinion that they are all going to die,Humvee leaves him alone because he would rather deal with Orlock than listen tohim anymore. Aurora runs into Humvee and tells him that Van Helsing needs helpin the cargo bay. Arthur then decides to leave the safety of the room to lookfor Humvee.

BadIdea As He Meets Up With Orlock

Arthurbegs for his life, but Orlock offers him a chance to walk forever as a vampireif he takes his hand. Arthur takes this offer because he wants to walk again.Unfortunately for him, a door is open and Orlock decides to leave before he canturn the cripple into a vampire.

Backin the cargo bay, Van Helsing crawls to the floor looking like he just got hisass kicked. Humvee and Aurora come in to help Van Helsing, but they find a bigsurprise.

AbeIs Now A Vampire

Abetries to bite Humvee, but Humvee is not one to go down easily. While the twotussle, Aurora grabs the stake from the heart of Mina. Aurora then uses thebroken cue to stab Abe in the heart, killing him.

Ofcourse taking the stake out of Mina’s heart was a bad idea because as you know,once the stake is out of that heart…………the vampire can live again.

IFear For The Future With These People Knowing Nothing About Vampires

SoMina attacks Aurora and of course that doesn’t last long as she keeps Mina atbay with a cross while Humvee stabs her in the heart with the piece that wasn’tattached to Abe’s heart.

Morewalking through hallways occur (yes, half of this movie involves people walkingthrough hallways). They go into the control room, which they are surprised isopen. They see Arthur slouched over his wheelchair.

He’sA Vampire………

Ofcourse they don’t know if he is or isn’t so Aurora decides to stab him with thecross anyway.

Thattakes care of vampire Arthur and when Humvee asks how she knew he was avampire, she says she didn’t. Bitch, what happened if he wasn’t a vampire, youknow what that would make you? Childs from my favorite movie of all time TheThing (1982), tell this bitch what that would make her.

MakesYou A Murderer, Don’t It?

Thatit does my good man…….that it does. So with what happened that whole scene withOrlock offering to turn Arthur and then running at the first sound of noisewas……………completely pointless. Orlock bursts out of his casket again.

YouKnow Orlock, If You Keep Blowing Up Those Casket Lids In Anger; You Aren’tGoing To Have Any Place To Sleep.

Orlocktries to attack the two, but they close the door on him……….which traps his arm.This is where I really do not like this portrayal of Dracula (sorry, Orlock).This vampire screams like a little bitch when his arm gets caught.

Apparently,Being The Last Vampire Means Screaming Like A Bitch

Orlockloses his arm when they close the door all the way and he screams about losinghis arm.

SadlyThis Is The Last We See Of Our Main Villain.

Wethen go to our final scene which shows Humvee and Aurora talking about theydon’t have enough control of the ship to turn around so the ship will go rightinto the sun, killing everyone. While bumming out that they are going to die,Aurora reveals that she was a pleasure bot before she was upgraded. Humveetalks about how he heard about those, but sadly (and tearfully in Humvee’scase), he never had enough credits. So because the two are going to die, Auroratakes pity on him and offers herself to him free of charge. Humvee’s responseis what all of us would probably say in the same situation.

Humvee: Ain’t gotta tellme twice.

Hethen picks her up over his shoulder and leaves the scene to supposedly makesweet love to the cyborg.

YouGo, Humvee……………

Wego through the ship and then get a scene of Captain Varda saying he is going tosacrifice the ship so this evil never gets to Earth. Then…..

ACGI Explosion

Andthen we get closing credits. But wait, we get one wacky scene with Humvee againsaying “That’s what I’m talking about” and then slapping Aurora’s ass while sheis still over his shoulder. And we end the movie.

Firstwe get to talk about the after effects of this film and………well. Not really muchto say with this cast. Casper Van Dien reprised his role his role as JohnnyRico in Starship Troopers 3: Marauders, Udo Kier still does small roles incheesy horror films so he can keep getting a paycheck (although he did getroles in the Halloween remake, Grindhouse, and Dario Argento’s Mother ofTears), but he also was cast as Regal Monk in this travesty.

TinyLister, who I really do like for his funny acting, has also been in a movie Iinducted.

Butthe big thing he did lately was he had a small scene in the huge hit, The DarkKnight

Yes,He Was The Prisoner On The Ferry Who Took The Switch To The Bomb Attached ToThe Other Ferry, & Threw It Into The Water.

Thismovie is………………….well, memorable to say the least. However, it is really bad andmakes huge mistakes that even any thinking man could see. The performance ofDracula (sorry, Orlock) is absolutely one of the worst. And several actorsplaying it straight next to this vampire is just pathetic. The references tothe book are just nauseating and the fact that because they need to explain tothe audience the whole vampire mythos, they make the characters incrediblystupid which makes the idea of people knowing squat in the future terrifies memore than this film.

Butthe most egregious fault of this film is the fact that a lot of the deaths andtransformations are done off-screen. I know with a lot of the turns, they aretrying to go with the whole “is he a vampire, isn’t he” well, but they go tothat well way too many times to the point that you really don’t care. It islike TNA doing the whole chaos behind the scenes story every week and itgetting old, but when WWE introduces chaos behind the scenes with CM Punk, itfelt new and fresh and when WWE started doing that once again too often, it gottiring. You don’t go to any well too many times because it gets old and tiring.

Theonly redeeming quality to this film is the overacting of Coolio (who knew hewas in a piece of shit) and the funny mannerisms of Tiny Lister, who even if hetakes the role seriously, could bring out his wacky faces to lighten the mood.Other than that, I say if you see this movie, you will remember it……………but notfondly. I know I won’t forget this movie and I have no desire to ever see itagain.

Well,since we have dealt with Dracula in Space, a monster that shoot death rainbows,midi-chlorians, a monstrous cross between a shark and an octopus, and ofcourse……..Max Headroom trying to terrify us, I wonder what is next for methanks to the Randomizer.

EvilFrogs………….Okay, I’ll Bite.

Ring the Bell for October 18th, 2011

2011-10-19T16:31:00.000-07:00

Hosts Killa Kev, Ciara, Mike Poulin and Seth Drakin review the AWE: Night of the Legends PPV from this weekend, discuss the rise and fall of Monday's WWE Raw, recap Ring of Honor and TNA Impact Spoilers to the Rescue, invent new TV shows for the WWE Network, and discuss the latest news in pro wrestling.

This really was a long episode because we had so much to talk about and we strayed away from the topic plenty of times. Also, if you might note I am more jolly than usual later on......I will admit that I downed an entire large bottle of alcoholic Apple Cider during the show so I might have been a bit hammered.

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Monster Crap November 2011 Induction

2011-10-14T09:41:00.000-07:00

With the Dracula 3000 induction almost completed, it is time once again for you the fans to decide which film I will induct next into the halls of Monster Crap for November of 2011. We have 10 films for you to vote on and here are the choices.

The Fog (2005)

Well Known For BeingOne Of The Worst Remakes Of All Time

Teenage Caveman (2002)

Worst Remake Of ARoger Corman Film…………..Ever

Bats (1999)

Is It Just Me Or DoThese Bats Suck Feces Instead Of Blood

War of the Worlds(2005)

To Coincide With TheSpielberg Borefest, Asylum Released Its Own Version Of This H.G. Wells Epic,Starring Soul Man

Chupacabra Terror (2005)

This Film Can Go SuckA Goat’s Nuts

Mortuary (2005)

Tobe Hooper GetsNominated For Monster Crap With A Film That May Be A Cure For Insomnia

The Last Sentinel (2007)

Even The FanboysDelight Known As Katie Sackhoff And One Of My Favorite Voices In Actor Keith David Can Not Save Us From TheCrap & Boredom That Comes With A Movie Starring Don “The Dragon” Wilson.

Frogs (1972)

Watch As Our TitularCreatures Do Just Absolutely Nothing Except Bark Orders To Other Animals In TheWar To Kill A Rich Family Who Just So Happens To Be Pissing Them

The Wasp Woman (1959)
Susan Cabot's Sad Story Includes Her Final Film Being Terrible

Wing Commander (1999)

Sometimes Giving AnAdaptation To The Guy Who Created The Source Material Is Not The Right Move ToMake

Ring the Bell for October 11th, 2011

2011-10-12T21:50:00.000-07:00

Hosts Killa Kev, Mike Poulin and Seth Drakin discuss the rise and fall of Monday's WWE Raw, recap Ring of Honor and TNA Impact Spoilers to the Rescue, and discuss the latest news in pro wrestling.

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Ring the Bell for Oct. 4th w/ 'The Human Anvil' Gino Martino

2011-10-05T09:33:00.000-07:00

Tonight Killa Kev and Mike Poulin run down TNA Impact Spoilers to the Rescue with Seth Drakin. Mike interviews Guinness World Record holder 'The Human Anvil' Gino Martino from IWE and NWA on Fire, discussing his upcoming matches as well as his appearances on Italian television and Stan Lee's Superhumans on History Channel. We're later joined by Ciara and King J to discuss WWE Hell in a Cell, Raw, and Ohio Valley Wrestling.

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Ring the Bell for September 27th, 2011

2011-09-30T19:56:00.000-07:00

Tonight's show has Ciara, Killa Kev, Xtreme Tony & Mike Poulin discussing the latest rumors and news from WWE, TNA, ROH & more! As always Seth Drakin gives us the weekly TNA Spoilers to the Rescue.

I apologize for being late......have been thinking of other things and I just forgot.

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Ring the Bell for September 20th - Ciara's Pre-Birthday Bash

2011-09-21T21:48:00.000-07:00

Tonight is Ciara's Pre Birthday Bash so be sure to stop in the chatroom and she'll be joined Killa Kev, Xtreme Tony & Mike Poulin to discuss the latest rumors and news from WWE, TNA, ROH & more! As always Seth Drakin gives us the weekly TNA Spoilers to the Rescue.

We had some big technical difficulties (we call it being "Right-Legged".............you'll get why) and as usual as well, I decide to heel it up a bit like I always do.

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