Saturday, September 13, 2014

Monster Crap Inductee: Lust For Frankenstein (1998)

Monster Crap Inductee: Lust For Frankenstein
Because Monsters Can Rape Trees Too



There Are Monsters In This Film!!! I Know This!!!

That wasn’t what the problem was. The problem is that after watching you, I am really questioning your sanity right now if you can actually watch this film more than once.

Well, technically you are watching this more than once too.

Only because as part of my inducting process, I have to. You made a choice to watch this more than once.

It’s porn…I have the insatiable need to watch it.

Okay, I am going to be showing you what is wrong with this film and hopefully, you will see the error in your ways of liking this film.

Anyway, this film is directed by famous Spanish schlock director Jess Franco and of course this is starring his girlfriend for many years and later wife, Lina Romay (despite the two having a more than 20 year age gap between them). It also stars Michelle Bauer (who was a film I have inducted in the past in Attack of 60 Foot Centerfolds) and also Amber Newman is in it, but as you’ll see, it is not as big of a role as the DVD cover makes you believe. In fact, you only see Michelle Bauer and Amber Newman on the cover and when you see Lina Romay in this film, you’ll also see why that is. And without further ado….let’s get to this film.

First we start off with this naked woman drenching herself with blood and acting like it is sexy.

Nevermind….it is just setting up for the DVD film company’s logo to show up.

It Also Tells Us To Visit Their Website, But The Website Has Been Since Changed To

Anyway, the actual films starts off with a naked woman in the shadows coming into a room with some rock music. And the opening title shows up.

Afterwards, we get a basic music video over stuff that happens in the film that make me wonder if this film really was made in the 1990s like everyone says it was or if it was actually made in the damn 1970s. Well, considering the age of some of the people in this film matching up with one way, I’ll tend to believe them that this was filmed in the 1990s.

We then get narration over this picture that basically describes where we are at when this film starts. Frankenstein is a name ripped from the bowels of hell and is a name which lives on in infamy. Basically out of all these curses, evils, and revenges, Frankenstein is just a misunderstood man who dedicated too much of his life to science and the supposed extension and creation of human life. His most precious creation though was his precious daughter Moira, who is plain and not as socially acceptable as other girls. They apparently shared despair in agony when her mother, the first baroness died when she was very young. Moira of course did not fare well after Frankenstein’s second marriage in Abigail as she suffered the sins and sodomies of her stepmother and her many secret lovers. It was of course Abigail’s unfaithfulness that drove Frankenstein to an early death and left Moira all alone. Feeling alone and unloved, Moira married poorly to the despicable Cyrus, the first person to ever tell her he loved her when all he loved was her father’s inheritance.

Having left so soon, Frankenstein learned that death did not visit too easily on him as he is stuck in the nether-regions between this life and the next. His spirit bore witness to the putrid, wasted wants of Abigail and to the tortured life that befell his daughter. To save his soul and the life of his daughter, Dr. Frankenstein has reached out from beyond the veil of death to awaken his upmost scientific creation and thus to awaken the one element now absent from the soul of poor Moira. He shall unleash…..The Lust Of Frankenstein.

Everybody Got That?

And then Moira awakens from her sleep.

For all of you wondering who this 44 year old woman is in no makeup, that is Lina Romay.

Yeah. I Guess You Can Say She Hasn’t Aged Well Since From She Looked Like Years Ago.

Also Moira here is going to be naked a lot so since her picture probably would turn people off to this film, that is why they stuck with Michelle Bauer and Amber Newman on the cover. As she goes to the kitchen of her apartment to get some coffee, she is visited by a long haired guy who is bleeding like a stuck pig.

Your Charles Manson Look-Alike Is Here

Actually, this is supposed to be the spirit of her father, Dr. Frankenstein. Okay, I must admit….the only time I have ever seen Dr. Frankenstein look like this was after he was in the North Pole and was dying while hunting down his creation, who killed his wife and ruined his life, none of which according to the narration has happened in this film.

Also It Was Very Nice Of Moira To Wear A Shirt Of Jess Franco’s Necronomicon (Succubus).
I Must Have That Shirt!

Anyway, the spirit of her father tells Moira that she must help him and then he disappears. But he still speaks about her finding his records so Moira does the sensible thing and plays music from her record player.

Dammit Moira, Not That Kind Of Record

Moira then leaves her apartment and is met by her husband Cyrus who she has apparently left and is trying to get back with her, telling her that he loves her.

This Guy Seems Sincere, But As The Narrator Has Said That He Is Despicable, He Must Be Lying.

He Must Be Despicable

Right you are, Daffy Duck. Anyway, Moira says that she hates him as she drives off. She of course heads to the Frankenstein Mansion where her stepmother lives.

Okay, Random Dog Stuck In A Cage That Belongs To A Tiger Or Lion.

Wouldn’t Do That To You, Maili.

Moira rings the bell from the gate and her stepmother answers from the upstairs window.

Abigail says that she can come in and has Mario, the gardener open the gate for her.

All Of Her Staff Is Shirtless And You Can Easily Guess Why Based On The Narration

He asks if he can help with the luggage, but Moira says she won’t be staying long. He informs her that Abigail is upstairs with Carlitos, the secretary. And guess what the secretary is doing?

Getting A Blowjob.

Moira comes in and like the complete slut that she is, Abigail doesn’t even care and continues what she is doing. Moira tries to kiss her on the cheek when asked for a kiss, but Abigail kisses her on the mouth and of course, Moira is not happy. Moira says she just came for something in the studio and Abigail mentions how she should stay the night and have some fun like the good old days. Yep, that pretty much implies that her stepmother had no problems having sex with her.

Moira goes to the studio and checks on the bird in the cage that is there. She also has to play music to hopefully drown out the sounds of sex going on elsewhere, but of course, this also means a music video where we see the dog barking at the camera in that crappy camera style and Dr. Frankenstein shows up again.

Dr. Frankenstein Has Obviously Never Heard Of Taking A Shower To Get Rid Of All That Blood On Him
He tells her that she must help him fight his enemies and to restore his good name. And spoiler for all of you now, she will never do that last part. He also says that he will tell her his secrets. We also get a scene through completely crappy tint where Moira as a younger person tried to kill her stepmother and ends up joining her to make a three-way with another guy, but that’s just a guess as we never know what the fuck is happening other than a young girl with a knife ending up joining two people to have sex. It looks like a shitty music video and I’m going to skip this as it has no point in the film otherwise.

Dr. Frankenstein also mentions that his mother’s death compelled him to create a new “Goddess”. Basically she is an artificial replacement and a creature that looks just like his ancestors, except that he created a monster…of love, not evil. However, Abigail refused to allow him to finish so he wants her to finish his creation of Goddess. Yep…that is exactly what the creature is called. Of course she is asleep and is waiting for blood to give her a lust for life.

And then out of a closet, we get the first introduction of Goddess.

Can’t Give You A Much Better Shot At This Time As She Is Naked And If I Tried, You Could See The Rest Of Her. And Then…I Would Have That 18 & Over Warning, Something I Am Hoping To Avoid.

Moira turns on the lights and awakens Goddess, who asks for her help. She tells her to open her shirt and gives her body a kiss.

Oh And She Also Has A Distorted Voice To Make Her Sound Unhuman.

Goddess says that she needs food aka Moira’s blood to give her a few minutes of strength. She also reveals that there is a tape with the doctor’s voice and that Moira should follow his orders. Do this and Goddess will be her slave.

Meanwhile, we see that Mario has joined Carlitos and Abigail in their sex and has added a whip as well. Dr. Frankenstein’s voice on the tape spirit reveal to Moira that blood will give her strength to teach his daughter. Basically she must have the blood of someone very young and alive. Then Moira and Goddess start making out. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. Moira answers it and it is the freaking gardener Mario, who decides he is not having fun being the whipper in the three-way and now feels like raping Moira.

Goddess Does Not Approve

Goddess appears and instead of being horrified by a woman who is obviously dead still alive, Mario decides that he wants to have sex with it. Of course, this gives Moira the opportunity to bludgeon him over the head with something.

Maybe A Wooden Shoe, I Don’t Know.

Goddess then wants to drain his blood and tells Moira that if she helps her, she will show her the ways to ecstasy in return. So she strips Mario down and transfuses his blood into Goddess.

Goddess then tells Moira to come to her and reveals that now Moira is Goddess’ mistress. Then the same song that has been playing before plays as Moira and Goddess have sex. I am not even bothering with this because I am not into necrophilia, which let’s face it, this completely is. Then with a blue tint, Moira goes to the beach with a box obviously containing Mario. She takes him out of the box and throws him into the sea, thus drowning the gardener.

As she heads back to the place, she is met by Abigail.

Abigail is looking for “her little gardener”. Moira says that he didn’t stay more than 5 minutes with her as he is not her type and he must be somewhere else. Then Moira goes to sleep and sees spinning Dr. Frankenstein.

You Spin Frankenstein Right Round, Baby. Right Round Like A Record, Baby. Right Round, Round, Round.

He basically tells her to erase the past and clear his name (all of which will never be done). Then in her dream, Moira opens the door to find her stepmother in a mask and in the nude getting oral sex from Carlitos and she masturbates seeing this. Abigail sees her doing this of course.

I See You, Peeping Tomi

And then she has Carlitos go and rape Moira.

Yes, Go And Rape My Step-Daughter.

Moira wakes up from this freaking nightmare and decides to look for Goddess, who has wondered off. And where does she find the monster?

Watching A Guy Chopping Wood And Humping A Tree

So yes, Goddess is raping a tree. Never thought you would see someone raping a tree instead of a tree raping someone. And what does Moira do? She helps Goddess

Poor Tree

Goddess gets it done and…

Even The Horny Owl Doesn’t Know What To Make Of This

And after raping a poor defenseless tree, Goddess decides to take a nap. Moira decides to go in her car and take a few phone calls about non-important things. After those phone calls, Moira sees her mother having fun and decides to investigate. And this time Abigail is not having sex.

But She Is Snorting Some Coke

And of course Carlito is there and Moira joins them. She also decides to snort some coke and they have a three-way sex scene. Goddess hears this and decides to investigate. The monster sees them having sex and is not amused so she snaps Carlitos neck.

Abigail gets up from her 69ing her own step-daughter to see Carlitos dead and is scared of the monster. Moira grabs the whip and starts Goddess for killing Carlitos, but Abigail is terrified of this scene and runs. Moira uses the whip to lasso Abigail’s neck, but Abigail falls off the rail and she ends up hanging herself.

Moira is not happy at accidentally killing her step-mother, but she quickly gets over it and checks on Goddess. She goes back to the lab and cleans Goddess’s wounds. Goddess reveals that her heart is full of love, but her brain is full of hate. Goddess wants Moira to kill her, but Moira refuses. Instead, Moira goes to a strip club and it is there we meet the stripper played by Amber Newman. I would show you scenes at the strip club, but the stripper is nude and well, she puts Moira’s head in her crotch. Definitely not appropriate stuff.

Moira decides to take the stripper home. There, the two start having sex.

Ah, the very attractive Amber Newman. I have seen her in such shows and films as an episode of Erotic Confessions, Lap Dancing, Pleasurecraft, Scandal: On The Other Side, Night Calls: The Movie Part 2, an episode of Passion Cove, Sex Files: Sexually Bewitched, Sex Files: Alien Erotica 2, Scandal: Lawful Entry, & Sexual Magic.

This was of course all a ruse as afterwards, Moira uses a needle to drug the stripper with a poison that kills her. Moira then drains her of all her blood and transfusing it into Goddess. Dr. Frankenstein’s spirit shows up to say that from now on, his daughter must take care of Goddess as there is nothing he can do for either of them now. After a small sex scene between Moira and the Goddess, they take the box containing the stripper’s body to the beach, take it out of the box, and dump it into the sea.

But there is one more thing to be taken care of. Cyrus shows up to the Frankenstein mansion and meets with Moira still saying that he loves her. Cyrus wonders where is Abigail and Moira admits something terrible has happened. He tries to get her to come back with him, but this was all a trap as Goddess comes in and kills Cyrus.

Moira is very happy to see that her husband is dead. She then has a dream about her younger version and Abigail coming in with a knife to kill her. But then she wakes up next to Goddess and the two snuggle together. Then Frankenstein shows up to say that he can never return to visit Moira, but that she has found a kind of love now and can be happy. Moira’s narration then says she hopes she never dreams those stupid things again. And it ends with this vision.

So let’s talk about the aftermath of this film. Michelle Bauer is still doing films and is in the Scream Queens documentary called Screaming in High Heels: The Rise & Fall of the Scream Queen Era, which was released in 2011. Amber Newman did some more softcore porn, but retired from it after her last film Passion Before Midnight in 2009 and she has since moved on to appearing sporadically in low budget horror films. Almost everyone else just didn’t do much else except for Jess Franco & Lina Romay. The two finally got married 2008 and did a few more films before Lina Romay died at the age of 57 in 2012. After her death, Jess Franco only survived for a year and a two months before he passed away at the age of 82. In his career, Jess has admitted that he has never made a film that he himself liked.

Well, thank god this film is over because I absolutely HATED this film. I really wanted to fast forward through the sex scenes and the cinematography is freaking atrocious. The acting is also pretty bad. I am thankful this summer is over because if I had to do another film like this, I would just quit.

So Pete, did I convince you of just how terrible this film is and that it should be immediately gone from your collection.

Nope, now give me the film back so I can put it back in my collection.

Well, that’s sad. Sad that I had to explain this to no avail and sad because I no longer have the film.


Yeah, I was so pissed off about this film that I chucked it into a nearby void.


Anybody lose some film called Lust For Frankenstein?

That film is mine! Thank god you found it. This guy just chucked it into a void.

Ah, so that’s why this film freaking hit me in the face.

Shit…oh well, at least I got something out of all of this.

What’s that?

I got to hit NegaSeth in the face with something. I have been wanting to do that ever since he made me induct Seed.

I’ll let that slide this time and say that I may have deserved that. But if you do it again, there will be payback.

Well, since you are back and I know that the Requests Month induction is next so tell me what it is.

Well, it seems the fans have given you one of the most legendarily bad films of all time. It is a film that this site should have showcased a long time ago, from a director this site should have showcased a long time ago.

So we’re finally doing it?

Yes, we are…

It’s Time For Plan 9

No comments:

Post a Comment